If you’re gonna name your daughter that, she should at be composed of a leash with keys.

At least they got Alicia Dogs right.

Wii bowling is great. Unfortunately calling your friend Mr. Bowl Jangles in his living room is quite a bit greater.

Maybe they will make that a game. As the resident expert of my own blog and special specialist in the field of things, I think the idea totally has legs. At least 3 or 4 legs.

I have an idea to make a laptop you can use on the toilet. I’m calling it the Craptop. Just be lucky I didn’t just write about my sculpture of Beyonce that’s actually a functional bandsaw. Function and beauty, not unlike a toilet.

You’re prolly like wtf but I only wrote this down so I can sue the person who steals my idea.

YES THIS IS A CAPTAINS LOG.

You ever hear one of those songs that you know the lyrics to and you end up singing it, but you have no idea how you know them?

Actually from commercials for Arby’s. I checked.

You want to stop reading my blog.

Today I found a moth in my house and I decided to have a little fun with my cat. I let my cat play around with it for about 2 minutes before I stepped on it.

I wanted to play too.

I don’t know if any of you have ever wanted to get revenge on someone, but I certainly have. Revenge is a tricky thing for me and i’m not a huge dude, so I’m really afraid to do something stupid. What I’m not afraid to do is get revenge on someone via proxy. Proxy means it comes from another source so you’re not named directly. This means you can’t get named directly. I have discovered several means that you can seek revenge on another person by proxy. Out of all my means to get some revenge on someone in this manner, I have never found something as effective as what I found today.

Nobody wants guns on the streets, especially unlicensed ones. The police agree with me. 1-866-GUN-STOP is an anonymous hotline used to report people for having illegal unregistered weapons. 1-866-GUN-STOP is also a way to have someone you know be interrogated for having illegal unregistered weapons. I don’t know about you, but if someone pisses me off, there is a chance that they may have illegal unregistered weapons. How could they not? Anyone could have them.

p.s. Reporting a false incident is illegal. Anonymously reporting a non-incident is might be too. Please consult your local law system and use common sense. If you give them a name, i’d give them Lol Rosenberg.

Is a hard place to throw your weight around.

I just got back from a vacation on the beach. That’s why I haven’t written. You get into that beach bum mode and if wireless isn’t immediately accessable (right fucking there), i’m not going to be online.

We had a place on the beach. I mean like right on the shorefront so I could go on the patio and watch people on the beach walk by and do whatever. On the first day there wasn’t much going on except for some kids and a guy with a metal detector. Even though it was 11am, I immediately opened a bottle of beer and proceeded to down it. At 11:10 I opened another one and drank it. This went on about every ten minutes until I passed out at 1pm. I woke up at 6pm with an open raw almonds all over my chest and a cup full of bottlecaps. After finding my socks and my pants and my shirt I collected myself and figured out why I saved all these bottlecaps. I pulled the magic marker out of my bag and scribed “You Suck” on the bottom of each Corona bottlecap. I waited until about 11 o’clock and went out and buried them along the beach in front of my patio. I watched some more hockey and went tbed.

The next morning consisted of me making 3 filter bag coffees at 7am and letting them all sit in front of me. I normally don’t drink coffee but I didn’t want to fall asleep again or get up for more coffee so I had a table full of coffees. At about 9:30am the guy with the metal detector came out. About 5 minutes later he found the first bottlecap. He looked at it for about 15 seconds then put it in his pocket. Not even 5 minutes after that he found the next one and looked around. You could tell in his face he couldn’t believe it. I was in my patio about 100 feet away laughing my balls off on the inside. In almost exactly 5 minute intervals (I timed it) he found 6 more of my bottlecaps. I have never had so much fun by myself in my life. If there was anything I should have videotaped, it was that. Since he didn’t want to find them again he was keeping them in his pocket. The guy proceeded back to the beach and threw them all in the trash. He looked at them before he threw them in the garbage and shook his head. I did it again 4 days later only to watch him finding one and giving up.

I bet this was not how he planned to spend his retirement.

I don’t know if you believe me, but today I was reading the Bible. It’s really a magnificent book except there are diagrams. I need diagrams. They really make a book.

I got to the part about Deuteronomy and I laughed cause it made me think of “Neuteronomy”. That is a system of laws of neutering if it did indeed exist. I got bored of reading so I started flipping through it. I ended up finding a kids meal in there. I didn’t really have any idea they had a menu section, let alone one devoted to kids. The page looked something like this.

Rape - free
Sodomy - free
Forgiveness from Jesus and a pederast - priceless

It might only be in the New Testament though.

Bullet points of why I totally love reading magazines now of days.

•Advertisements for things I can’t afford.
•Ease of locating and reading the table of contents.
•Numberless pages.
•Multiple fragrance folds for colognes that some fuckface wears.
•Enough subscription cards for everyone on the subway. (Transfers included)
•Non-recyclable glossy cardstock and paper.
•Newsstand prices.

Can’t get enough of those fucking periodicals.

Again, I call them how I see em.

As far as i’m concerned.

I’m a firm believer that when you write something and there are two identical words next to each other, that it’s grammatically fucked up and you need to rewrite it. Like when you write

“We did make the choice to kind of hurt compatibility, and customers have let us know that that was very painful.” - Steve Ballmer of Microsoft

In the sentence you have “that that” in it. I think it really should be replaced with “that it”. It just looks and sounds better.

I do have an exception to this. Only when the following happens.

You are trying to a homosexual to pick up a bundle of sticks (Get that faggot, faggot.)

While it is even more improper to have the same word 3 times in a row, I also have an exception to that.

You’re a male cat speaking to another very weak male cat and you want to tell him you are looking to find some cat vagina (I’m going to get some pussy pussy, pussy.)

I haven’t come across the situation where a word has shown 4 times in a row, but I still am using drugs so that could happen.

All those 976 number late night party line tv ads would probably be more accurate if they were a service for bad acting. Either that or insincere testimonials.

Let’s get some truth in advertising for once. I’ll call when you decide to tell me it’s the ultimate loser hotline.

You know life goes on when you start seeing those top 40 music compilations on tv shift from bands you never knew to bands you know only douchebags like.

Every time I order a “fuzzy navel” I have to close my eyes and forget having sex the first fourteen times.

Whoops. She never came either but I did bruise her spleen twice.

I learned the hard way.

I believe the demographic of the average padded toilet seat owner to be as follows.

Purveyor of comfort.
Enjoys time alone in small ventilated rooms.
Uncomfortable with the feeling of a cold rear lower body.
Looks up to their grandmothers bathroom sensibility.
Takes longer shits, both in volume and time.
Overweight.
Does not mind whooshing noises upon mounting toilet.
Genuinely likes sticking to things.
Wants a permanent visual record of all toilet seat collateral damage. (Poo scars)
Is not like me.

I don’t get them either.

I guess that when you’re in the Navy, it’s very easy to tell who exactly the Navy seals are.

It’s hard to hide fresh herring in your bag, let alone a beach ball.

It’s only a matter of time before there is a band named the Flintstones Vitamins as a viral marketing channel for Flintstones Vitamins.

I’d check it out. Flintstones Viralmins are delicious.

Sometimes I hang out with some friends that are gay. What always ends up happening is me making terrible gay jokes in their presence. I don’t really give a shit if you like dudes or having sex with food or whatever, but i’m going to be funny about things that are relative. No coffee lover likes jokes about how funny exotic imported cameilla sinensis is because it yields a much better beverage when it’s soaked in some hot water. Regardless of how much you don’t understand that last joke yet, I don’t care. The actual funny part here is me and exploiting your lack of grey matter. (Or my underestimate of your grey matter.)

So i’m hangin’ with a gay friend of mine on a public rooftop and I tell him that it’s a great place to cruise. He laughed, but as soon as it was over I asked him is the term “crusin’ for a bruisin’” happened because some homosexual made some bad decisions. It really does make sense. The way I picture it is that some guy whipped his cock out and asked another unknown human of the same species if he wanted any veinerschnitzel (Yes, I said vein). After that I imagined some straight guy came over and beat the hell out of him. That, is cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

I’m up to have you put some rebuttals in the comment section. If you dare make a joke about my veinerschnitzel in your rebuttal i’m gonna bruise your cruise.