In the post after this, I was trying to type “heart attack” but I typo-ed it to “heart attach”.

My heart hasn’t attached to something in years. Fuck you keyboard, you’re a real asshole.

Fuck you too fingers.

I ordered Domino’s the other day. It wasn’t your ordinary Domino’s order. I got the 3 small pizzas with the unlimited toppings for $5.55 each. Ok, so it was your ordinary Domino’s order.

I ordered 8 toppings for the first pizza and it was somewhat ordinary – Extra Pepperoni, Extra Large Pepperoni, Extra Sausage, Bacon, Banana Peppers and Jalapenos. You might think that’s not 8 toppings, but the “Extra” function serves as an additional (x2) topping for a total of 2 toppings. So the second one I tried to put about 22 toppings on it and unfortunately it wouldn’t adhere to Domino’s quality standards. I didn’t know not-slop was a quality standard.

I got to thinking about unlimited toppings. While eating the pizza, and even before the first heart attack, I got around to singing about it. I slimmed it down to “Unlimmy Topps” and sung it over “Unskinny Bop” by Poison. This is totally fine because Poison doesn’t have any idea what “Unskinny Bop” even means. Let me write you the lyrics as I sing them.

What’s got you so jumpy?
Why can’t you sit still, yeah?
Like gasoline you wanna pump me.
And leave me when you get your fill, yeah.

Every time I touch ya, you get hot.
I want to make love and never stop.
Come up for air, push me to the floor.
What’s been going on in that head of yours?

Unlimmy Topps.
Just blows me away.
Unlimmy Top, Topps.
All night and day.
Unlimmy Top, Top, Top, Topps.
She just loves to plate.
Unlimmy Topps nothin’ more to say.

You look at me so funny.
Love bite got you acting oh so strange.
You got too many bees in your honey.
Am I just another word in your page, yeah, yeah.

Every time I touch ya, you get hot.
I want to make love and never stop.
Come up for air, push me to the floor.
What’s been going on in that head of yours.

You’re sayin’ my love wont do ya.
But that ain’t love written on your face.
Well honey I can see right through ya’.
Well see whose ridin’ who at the end of the race.

Unlimmy Topps.
Just blows me away.
Unlimmy Top, Topps.
All night and day.
Unlimmy Top, Top, Top, Topps.
She just loves to plate.
Unlimmy Topps nothin’ more to say.

Whats right?
Whats wrong?
Whats left?
What the hell is going on?

Well the answer is Unlimmy Topps. I swear if you sing the song you might crack up. Domino’s should contact me if they’re interested in promotion of their $5.55 Unlimmy Topps deal.

Let’s say you’re at a bar and you’re hungry for something that isn’t a complete meal, or as they call it, an “Appetizer”. As a general rule, I don’t eat something that is described as something that is going to activate my more hungry buttons. No, I am not trying to cheap out of the dinner menu, I’m just trying to half-satiate myself as I continue to get more drunk.

This is where Poppers come in.

Jalapeno Poppers are really a great go-to appetizer for your average beer drinking deep-fried food fan. I tend to fall into that category, but that doesn’t mean I don’t strive for something better. I want to make something better.

How?

I started with the base of the popper and that seemed to be cheese. I decided to scrap that idea and think that it was about jalapenos. The name gave me some hints at that. So now that I knew about the jalapenos, I could research the popper part. There must be something about a jalapeno that means you can popper it. It popped in my mind instantly. Poppers are small. Now that I have established what poppers should be, it was time to create what poppers could be.

Corn? Hamsters? Nope. Cherries.

Everyone loves popping a cherry. That’s why i’ve brought you my new deep fried Cherry Poppers. These are the first cherries that you can pop with your mouth. I guarantee you can’t pop a cherry with your mouth. Unless of course you’re popping one of my Cherry Poppers.

I’ll never forget my first time. Or any other time for that matter.

We’re working on a to go pack so that you can pop cherries wherever you want. We’re going to call them Travelin’ Wilcherries. Next time you wanna pop a cherry in your moms kitchen or in a gas station bathroom, we’ll have you covered.

Until next time, keep poppin’ them cherries.

I’m no expert but I think having one less testicle is actually an advantage for someone who professionally competes on a bike seat.

And he played it out like it’s some kind of disease. Livestrong? I think it’s called cheating you one nut wonder cheater.

I guess i’m totally full of shit if I tell you I only shit once a month.

Contrary to popular belief, 38 Specials song “So caught up in you, little girl” is not about a pedophile with a fishing hook penis.

People might think those Real Dolls are really expensive. My news to you is that you is that it’s going to cost you a whole lot more in beer every night trying to make her look cute.

Think people, think.

If you ate nothing but paper, do you think it would be acceptable to shit in a paper shredder?

I imagine that would pretty much be your toilet at that point. Especially if you were eating classified documents.

I keep telling people to watch out for my sensitive sides.

I’m a circle.

It’s really funny when people try to figure out how many sides are on a circle. If it’s not funny to you, give me a break. They’re just blonde women i’m trying to impress.

Natch.

If loose lips sink ships, why the fuck are submarines equipped with torpedoes?

CAPTAIN : Deploy Loose Lips.
SUBMARINE GUY ETC : Lips AHOY!!!11

No seriously. I wish I could say marijuana doesn’t help me blog. I sure didn’t just smoke none.

I’d hope that if you get caught with weed in Dubai, they’d be civil about it and cut your lungs off instead of your hands.

You definately need your hands.

I’d assume it’s that.

Regardless of medicinal philosophy, there has to be something more up to date than Jack Palances’ patented 6 shooter cure-all amputation.

I’m really sure that Spaghetti Western Medicine is way behind Eastern Medicine.

So I was on my way out of the house today and I found a football sized tape player in the garbage. I picked it up because I could use a random radio and I have alot of tapes. I felt that it was heavy so I tried to turn on the radio. I imagined there were batteries inside. There were batteries inside but they seemed to be dead. I opted to keep it with me on the way over to the bar. I figured it did still work since there was a fresh Perry Como tape in it. Not to mention that if someone was listening to Perry Como, they probably just died and their obituary survivors just cleaned the house and threw it out regardless of condition.

This is only part of the story. The real story happened when I filled it full of new batteries and it actually worked. Five dollars later I played Perry Como until it hit the end of the tape. That really pissed me off so I threw it into the East River.

You might wonder where this story is going. I sure don’t know why the fuck I’m writing it. I know it’s not human ashes or anything, but don’t let someone throw part of you into the East River. Even if it’s just an Emerson boom-box with one of your old Perry Como tapes in it. Obviously a disgrace to whoever died, but it’s still a compliment to Perry Como.

Prolly his 427th tape in the East River to date.

I made a transition today.
I bought some actual underwear.
Not like the tight whites.
Some blue low rider comfort Hanes.
It’s like a Greek beach in my pants.
Wha?
Why?
I’m sick of boxers.
I havent worn underwear since like uhm.
5th grade.
These are proving effective.
I have 90% more leg motion.
Plus I look like a retard.
Which I love.
You just didn’t wear underwear up to this point?
Technically they were boxer briefs.
Why the switch?
I’m trying to go a little lighter for the summer.
Plus it kills your kid roe.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I’m enjoying the support.
It’s like a hobbit is cupping me all day.
Like a summer camp for midgets.
Or hobbits.
Either that or i’m a real trendsetter.