I was filling out a questionnaire the other day and it had a section on it that said “Favorite Philosopher”. After a little bit of thinking I wrote down “Clay”, just to be different.

Everyone else says fucking Plato.

It’s quite confusing that Short Wave Radio is actually a “Medium”.

By the name you’d probably think it was a “Short”.

The other day someone asked me to listen to the exhaust on their car while they revved the engine. They asked me what I thought of it.

I told them it sounded like an “egregious waste of fuel”.

“Fuck yeah! Egregious as all hell!” they said, spending over $200 in gas in the process. Lemme guess, you laughed and cried like I did. But only ’cause you laughed so hard. Like I did.

Gasolols is more like it.

Due to unforeseen problems, the Competitive Eating League for Fishtank Fish (CELFF) has been cancelled. Unfortunately the contestants have all had to be flushed because of compulsive overeating.

We here at the CELFF apologize to the the many fish that lost their lives competing and of course, our complete lack of foresight.

We were only thinking of our CELFF.

What’s the difference between masturbation and cock shiatsu?

For me, about 10 beers.

First it started off with his moustache. No one will ever be able to wear the toothbrush shaped moustache because that real asshole, Adolf Hitler wore it. The stigma of that will last on and on forever.

Now again, he wrecks a perfectly good idea for me. Because of Hitler, kids suffering from ADD will have nowhere to go for the summer.

Concentration Camp is closed until further notice.

If you’re an unemployed hooker and you’re looking to go to a new madam, I’ll bet you don’t ask if they have any openings that they need to fill.

You probably don’t ask if they have any positions available either.

I recently got some Percocets for a lovely injury that I sustained. I can’t really walk, but don’t worry I stole a wheelchair from the hospital. Percocets are great but sometimes other people want to eat them. I need them. That’s why I stuck a few in my nose and then blew them back into the container in front of everyone.

Yeap, they’re all still there.

So today I was reading a story about how Youssif, a 5 year olf Iraqi boy was burned by some masked men in Iraq. CNN.com says he is recovering here in America and is learning English. It’s really a sad story. I felt like cheering him up so I wrote in the comments “Someone get this kid some hookers” and pressed submit. It was as that time that I immediately thought, what the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so ignorant? I gotta think before I press that submit button.

Everyone knows that hookers his age are called prostitots.

I never understood how you could arrest someone for graffitiing a drawbridge.

They really need to clarify these things with terrible names.

It’s a proven wikipedia fact that for centuries men have wanted to have sex with limbless women who wear prosthetics. Revolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I present to you my newest, most disabled idea yet.

Prosthitutes

Now disabled amputees and disasters are available to the public for paid sex, guaranteed to be there as fast as they can. Judging from the legless woman in the commercial that was running a marathon, i’d say pretty fast. Don’t be fooled by fake tits or transexual, those aren’t prosthetics. I’m sure you don’t have alot to say but, our slogan is “Get ‘em there, rip it off, get it on.”

Give us a call 1-800-FAKE-LEG.