Totally possible that going to the dentist was misappropriately explained as being the best vacation ever on May 27th 2008 because it was as they say; opposite day.

I’m at a party and this guy says he’s a “Psychic” for Fortune 500 companies. I wish I could remember where I put his card but he predicted to me verbally that I would lose it. Like everything else I touched, I lost it. It’s out of my hands now.

I’ve decided to go after that exact guy’s job. My job as going to sleep for a shift in a bed at those same Fortune 500 Companies with the new title “Reality Assurance Guy”. Wait no, “Director Vice President of Wake The Fuck Up Because I Changed Your Mind About Something That Wasn’t Important Because You Been Had, So I Will Just Keep The Money My Cellphone Number is 222-FUCK-YOU, Call Me”. That will work as a good safe job title and of course it’s easy to remember.

I’ll mail you my napkin paper resume. At some point at least I need to figure out how to load my Canon Bubblejet BJ100 with Napkin Paper. If you have it in 8.5 x 11 with a picnic type print put it on E-Bay and i’ll buy it now.

Thanks dude.

I was thinking of getting the Wiifit game but due to gas prices being so high, I couldn’t afford it.

I got the Wiifat instead. It’s a video game about eating food. You eat food and it plays itself. I’ve gained 38 lbs since Monday. Word up.

Shit is tons better than Sit Sit Revolution and you don’t even need to buy the Sitpad.

I guess you need to smoke cigarettes like a crack pipe to let you know you might be addicted to nicotine.

Hit that tobacco hell yeah.

I’m sure that smoking joints like they’re camels isn’t like saying you’re not addicted to nicotine either.

Don’t get me wrong. All’s fair in love and war.

If you don’t get it, you might want to google “merkin”.

I heard that if you get caught smoking weed in Iran, they cut your lungs out.

That’s just what I heard tho. Oh, and if you get caught hearing things, they will cut your ears off.

I recently saw a sign in my neighborhood that was for a security system. It was installed on a neighbors house so just out of fear I decided to get one put in my house. You can’t ever be too protective of your property, especially your paper towel collection (my paper towel collection).

The security company looked familiar. That company was ADD Security. I’ll never forget my first phone call with them.

Operator - Thanks for calling ADD Security. How can I help you?

Me - I’d like to have a security system installed.

Operator - That’s great where do you live?

Me - 123 Fake Street, NY, NY USA.

Operator - Cool, is there anything I can help you with?

Me - Yes, I need a security system installed at my house 123 Fake Street, NY,NY USA.

Operator - I forgot what you just said, what did you need again?

After about 10 minutes of this same loop I got him to put my address in the system and a security consultant came over to my house. He showed up and I went over my house and he was tenderly studying all the details of my humble abode. After approximately 7 times of him asking what my name was, he followed it up with “Isn’t it a gorgeous day out?”. I told him to just install the fucking thing and said i’d be on the couch if he needed me. He was eager to do it but he needed to know exactly what thing I was talking about. I pointed to his truck and he told me that it was his truck. I pointed 4 times more at the logo on his truck and he told me that it was his work.

Me - I know dude. Do your job, on my house.

Security Consultant - Ohhhhhh. Yeah ok. It’s a nice day out isn’t it?

He quickly got to work, but then promptly stopped to ask me what I thought of the weather outside. I locked myself in the bathroom until he slipped an invoice under the door. I signed it with some of my roommates guyliner (eyeliner for guys), he left and I hoped for the best. The best meaning that no one breaks into my house or if they do, I know that the police are immediately summoned. It’s a modest wish that a security company can do this for you. ADD Security didn’t think so. I left for work and about 20 minutes later I received a call to tell me something was happening at my house. Let me just patch this phone call through.

Phone Representative - Hello bvllets. We are calling to let you know that something is happening at your house and that I think we called someone and it’s probably all taken care of.

Me - Uhm, what do you mean somethings happening at my house? Do you know what it is?

Phone Representative - Somethings happening at your house? Are you having a party?

Me - No, there’s no party. I’m at work and you called me to tell me something is happening at my house. What exactly is happening at my house?

Phone Representative - Are you sure you don’t have a wrong number?

Me - What? You called me! Please let me know what’s happening at my house! Is there an indruder or something?

Phone Representative - I love that movie. Or maybe it wasn’t called The Intruder. Maybe i’m thinking about something else.

At this point i’m furious so I hang up and I call the cops myself. I told them that something is going on at my house and that ADD Security may have contacted them regarding it. They tell me that someone called them from ADD security and that they wanted to know if anyone wanted to go ride bikes. I told the police my name and address and they said that they would call me back when they got to my house. About 10 minutes later I got a call from the police telling me that the security system was triggered but only due to the fact that they installed it on the front screen door to my 6 unit apartment complex.

Believe me, I won’t ever be needing their services ever again.

I guess the reason I didn’t really like the movie The Fly is because I didn’t see him once on a pile of shit.

If you’re gonna name your daughter that, she should at be composed of a leash with keys.

At least they got Alicia Dogs right.

Wii bowling is great. Unfortunately calling your friend Mr. Bowl Jangles in his living room is quite a bit greater.

Maybe they will make that a game. As the resident expert of my own blog and special specialist in the field of things, I think the idea totally has legs. At least 3 or 4 legs.

I have an idea to make a laptop you can use on the toilet. I’m calling it the Craptop. Just be lucky I didn’t just write about my sculpture of Beyonce that’s actually a functional bandsaw. Function and beauty, not unlike a toilet.

You’re prolly like wtf but I only wrote this down so I can sue the person who steals my idea.

YES THIS IS A CAPTAINS LOG.

You ever hear one of those songs that you know the lyrics to and you end up singing it, but you have no idea how you know them?

Actually from commercials for Arby’s. I checked.

You want to stop reading my blog.

Today I found a moth in my house and I decided to have a little fun with my cat. I let my cat play around with it for about 2 minutes before I stepped on it.

I wanted to play too.

I don’t know if any of you have ever wanted to get revenge on someone, but I certainly have. Revenge is a tricky thing for me and i’m not a huge dude, so I’m really afraid to do something stupid. What I’m not afraid to do is get revenge on someone via proxy. Proxy means it comes from another source so you’re not named directly. This means you can’t get named directly. I have discovered several means that you can seek revenge on another person by proxy. Out of all my means to get some revenge on someone in this manner, I have never found something as effective as what I found today.

Nobody wants guns on the streets, especially unlicensed ones. The police agree with me. 1-866-GUN-STOP is an anonymous hotline used to report people for having illegal unregistered weapons. 1-866-GUN-STOP is also a way to have someone you know be interrogated for having illegal unregistered weapons. I don’t know about you, but if someone pisses me off, there is a chance that they may have illegal unregistered weapons. How could they not? Anyone could have them.

p.s. Reporting a false incident is illegal. Anonymously reporting a non-incident is might be too. Please consult your local law system and use common sense. If you give them a name, i’d give them Lol Rosenberg.

Is a hard place to throw your weight around.