I just got back from a vacation on the beach. That’s why I haven’t written. You get into that beach bum mode and if wireless isn’t immediately accessable (right fucking there), i’m not going to be online.

We had a place on the beach. I mean like right on the shorefront so I could go on the patio and watch people on the beach walk by and do whatever. On the first day there wasn’t much going on except for some kids and a guy with a metal detector. Even though it was 11am, I immediately opened a bottle of beer and proceeded to down it. At 11:10 I opened another one and drank it. This went on about every ten minutes until I passed out at 1pm. I woke up at 6pm with an open raw almonds all over my chest and a cup full of bottlecaps. After finding my socks and my pants and my shirt I collected myself and figured out why I saved all these bottlecaps. I pulled the magic marker out of my bag and scribed “You Suck” on the bottom of each Corona bottlecap. I waited until about 11 o’clock and went out and buried them along the beach in front of my patio. I watched some more hockey and went tbed.

The next morning consisted of me making 3 filter bag coffees at 7am and letting them all sit in front of me. I normally don’t drink coffee but I didn’t want to fall asleep again or get up for more coffee so I had a table full of coffees. At about 9:30am the guy with the metal detector came out. About 5 minutes later he found the first bottlecap. He looked at it for about 15 seconds then put it in his pocket. Not even 5 minutes after that he found the next one and looked around. You could tell in his face he couldn’t believe it. I was in my patio about 100 feet away laughing my balls off on the inside. In almost exactly 5 minute intervals (I timed it) he found 6 more of my bottlecaps. I have never had so much fun by myself in my life. If there was anything I should have videotaped, it was that. Since he didn’t want to find them again he was keeping them in his pocket. The guy proceeded back to the beach and threw them all in the trash. He looked at them before he threw them in the garbage and shook his head. I did it again 4 days later only to watch him finding one and giving up.

I bet this was not how he planned to spend his retirement.

I don’t know if you believe me, but today I was reading the Bible. It’s really a magnificent book except there are diagrams. I need diagrams. They really make a book.

I got to the part about Deuteronomy and I laughed cause it made me think of “Neuteronomy”. That is a system of laws of neutering if it did indeed exist. I got bored of reading so I started flipping through it. I ended up finding a kids meal in there. I didn’t really have any idea they had a menu section, let alone one devoted to kids. The page looked something like this.

Rape - free
Sodomy - free
Forgiveness from Jesus and a pederast - priceless

It might only be in the New Testament though.

Bullet points of why I totally love reading magazines now of days.

•Advertisements for things I can’t afford.
•Ease of locating and reading the table of contents.
•Numberless pages.
•Multiple fragrance folds for colognes that some fuckface wears.
•Enough subscription cards for everyone on the subway. (Transfers included)
•Non-recyclable glossy cardstock and paper.
•Newsstand prices.

Can’t get enough of those fucking periodicals.

Again, I call them how I see em.

As far as i’m concerned.