I’m a firm believer that when you write something and there are two identical words next to each other, that it’s grammatically fucked up and you need to rewrite it. Like when you write

“We did make the choice to kind of hurt compatibility, and customers have let us know that that was very painful.” - Steve Ballmer of Microsoft

In the sentence you have “that that” in it. I think it really should be replaced with “that it”. It just looks and sounds better.

I do have an exception to this. Only when the following happens.

You are trying to a homosexual to pick up a bundle of sticks (Get that faggot, faggot.)

While it is even more improper to have the same word 3 times in a row, I also have an exception to that.

You’re a male cat speaking to another very weak male cat and you want to tell him you are looking to find some cat vagina (I’m going to get some pussy pussy, pussy.)

I haven’t come across the situation where a word has shown 4 times in a row, but I still am using drugs so that could happen.

All those 976 number late night party line tv ads would probably be more accurate if they were a service for bad acting. Either that or insincere testimonials.

Let’s get some truth in advertising for once. I’ll call when you decide to tell me it’s the ultimate loser hotline.

You know life goes on when you start seeing those top 40 music compilations on tv shift from bands you never knew to bands you know only douchebags like.

Every time I order a “fuzzy navel” I have to close my eyes and forget having sex the first fourteen times.

Whoops. She never came either but I did bruise her spleen twice.

I learned the hard way.

I believe the demographic of the average padded toilet seat owner to be as follows.

Purveyor of comfort.
Enjoys time alone in small ventilated rooms.
Uncomfortable with the feeling of a cold rear lower body.
Looks up to their grandmothers bathroom sensibility.
Takes longer shits, both in volume and time.
Overweight.
Does not mind whooshing noises upon mounting toilet.
Genuinely likes sticking to things.
Wants a permanent visual record of all toilet seat collateral damage. (Poo scars)
Is not like me.

I don’t get them either.

I guess that when you’re in the Navy, it’s very easy to tell who exactly the Navy seals are.

It’s hard to hide fresh herring in your bag, let alone a beach ball.

It’s only a matter of time before there is a band named the Flintstones Vitamins as a viral marketing channel for Flintstones Vitamins.

I’d check it out. Flintstones Viralmins are delicious.

Sometimes I hang out with some friends that are gay. What always ends up happening is me making terrible gay jokes in their presence. I don’t really give a shit if you like dudes or having sex with food or whatever, but i’m going to be funny about things that are relative. No coffee lover likes jokes about how funny exotic imported cameilla sinensis is because it yields a much better beverage when it’s soaked in some hot water. Regardless of how much you don’t understand that last joke yet, I don’t care. The actual funny part here is me and exploiting your lack of grey matter. (Or my underestimate of your grey matter.)

So i’m hangin’ with a gay friend of mine on a public rooftop and I tell him that it’s a great place to cruise. He laughed, but as soon as it was over I asked him is the term “crusin’ for a bruisin’” happened because some homosexual made some bad decisions. It really does make sense. The way I picture it is that some guy whipped his cock out and asked another unknown human of the same species if he wanted any veinerschnitzel (Yes, I said vein). After that I imagined some straight guy came over and beat the hell out of him. That, is cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

I’m up to have you put some rebuttals in the comment section. If you dare make a joke about my veinerschnitzel in your rebuttal i’m gonna bruise your cruise.

So i’m up late watching the TV show Cops for no apparent reason. It’s a really, really depressing show but there was a commercial that I think will make me watching this show worthwhile. There’s humor in everything and the commercial was for Cash4Gold.

That’s right, Cash4Gold.com. The site basically sends you an insured envelope to send your gold to them and they send you money in return. I don’t know if this is a modern form of thievery or just plain ol’ fashioned American capitalism. Who knows how the whole thing works, but i’m determined to find out. I just ordered the “Return Pak” that they have you send your gold to them with. I plan on doing the following.

Pyrite isn’t a household name. Not that it should be but iron disulfide isn’t your everyday thing. Pyrite is more commonly known as fools gold. Believe it or not I actually have a small hunk of pyrite. Believe it or not I am going to mail it to them. Believe it or not I have no idea how this is going to pan out, but believe it or not I can make this extremely funny. I’ll be posting all correspondence here believe it or not. Stay tuned. Believe it or not.

I wonder if they are going to believe it or not?

They should really allow genetic engineering to take its course. Not the course of scientists doing things for the sake of research. I’m talking about the course of allowing people to genetically engineer things in their home for a purpose. This might seem silly but I really have something in mind. I want to engineer squid that can do my dishes. Makes sense to me. They have tons of arms, love water and like moving around. Besides, they look clean enough and I have a ton of dishes.

I swear it’s not cause I love Calimari al Palmolivo but it certainly would be more efficient.

I love it when people say that someone’s “heart is in the right place.”

Of course it is dude, they’re not dead. If you want to get into it, all of their body parts are in the right place.

First off, this is an ad for Chase Bank and it is at a station in the NYC subway system. You probably can’t read what it says on the right but it is some graffiti. Not your tagging type graffiti which is similar to animals urinating on things to mark their territory. This type of graffiti is basically people trying to show their sharp wit in the form of words. I’ll read to you what it says.

“JUST LIKE A PIMP : Sell your soul to the bank with the biggest advert budget.”

Everyone knows that in order to open up a bank account, you have to sell your soul. That’s probably the most obvious thing here. That’s why it first struck me as being intelligent. Forget that they have the most ATM locations, and that it realistically could save you potentially $20-30 in fees in a month if your check is direct deposited. Since they wrote this on the ad, they obviously did their research to see what their advertisement budget was compared to every other bank. I’m impressed that they could do all this research underground while waiting for a train and get it right. Great work.

Oh yeah, and pimps use banks.

Before you go writing some stupid fucking shit on an ad, at least think of what you’re writing. Before you huff the marker.