18 and 1 is great if you’re an indoor lacrosse team. Sorry Pats.

Not really.

I like to watch the show on the science channel that’s called “How it’s made”. Believe it or not they show how things are made. What pisses me off is that I can’t see the “babies” episode because I don’t have the enhanced adult entertainment package. They let me watch the “baywatch” and “oral surgery miracle disaster blessings for the less fortunate” episodes, but not the “babies” one. Don’t think i’m stupid. I know how to make “babies” but i’d still like to see that they’re doing it right. Our future depends on it and besides, we’d have no spank material. I’d have to watch for at least 20 minutes depending on how much I had to drink that night. Regardless of my alcohol comsumption, we can’t afford to be wrong about this kind of stuff. People need to see the science of making “babies”. We all have to make “babies” because that’s just how production is. The only exception is if you prefer making knuckle children or sore male rectums. After years of research I have found that napkins aren’t fertile and men are dudes and that ain’t cool. If you’re one of those, game off Garth. If you’re not, game on Wayne, game on.

I normally don’t win at Ping Pong but today I hit 2 different spectators in the face. My pretend apology made the game, set and match.

If you don’t think that’s winning, you haven’t ever done it.

If I really think about it, I can understand why spring break isn’t a big deal in Antarctica.

Probably as God intended.

I called my doctor the other day because I threw up blood. I was super scared. I transcripted our conversation for posterity.

Doctor – Hi, i’m Doctor Rasahanajanighandisinghanandanan, what seems to be the matter?

Me – Hi Dr. Rasahanajanighandisinghanandanan, i’m bvllets. You’ll be pleased to know i’m not worried about my erectal ability and that I threw up coagulated blood tonight. I’m really scared, do you think I have an ulcer or something?

Doctor – Sounds pretty serious, have you had anything happen like this before?

Me – I’ve puked, but not blood before.

Doctor – What have you done to change your diet?

Me – I don’t know if it’s my diet per-se, but I sacrificed a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and drank its blood a bit earlier this evening.

Doctor – I see your problem so i’m gonna prescribe you 250 mg/day of Stopdoingthat. It’s a wide spectum anti-action pill that has minimal side effects that happen. Take it once a day and stop doing that. Consequentially I think this will prevent you from throwing up congealed blood.

Me – Thanks Dr., I don’t know what i’d sacrifice with or without you. (My cat)

Doctors, gotta love ‘em. (Pay them to love you so that you can have to love them.)

I was talking to this girl at a bar yesterday. She was reading something from a book and writing in a notepad. I didn’t mean to pry but I had to ask what she was doing. She said the was doing some sort of Anthropology Archeology stuff and that she was studying human remains.

What I hate is when people lie to my face. She was clearly studying paper.

Stupid bitch.