Is it me or does Microsoft not know how to spell sink?

Also I haven’t heard shit about Microsoft hand towles or Microsoft liquid sope. I’d imagine the misspelling is rampant given the situation.

I’m only guessing that bookstores call it the “self help” section because studies showed it sells more books than the “you’re a loser” section.

22:23 bvllets> its been too long since i got a chain email
22:23 bvllets> those things were worthwhile, and useful from the perspective of a total dicktard - or parent
22:23 bvllets> i’d actually make a chain email now for the sake of sarcasm
22:23 bvllets> title it like “send this email to 1500 people and you won’t get aids”
22:23 bvllets> i’d do it but fuck that tho
22:23 bvllets> not that my goal was too big, but because if i said it
22:23 bvllets> they’d end up getting aids from a coyote
22:23 bvllets> and not in a good way
22:23 bvllets> not in an ok way either you sick fock

Judging by the timestamp I can type to myself like a motherfocker.

It’s 2:58 right now. I’m only up because i’m sick of lying in my bed not able to fall asleep. It’s been happening alot lately and it’s a total waste of time trying to go to bed when you just can’t. I don’t want to take sleeping pills or any of that shit because I know i’ll get addicted to them. Being awake or asleep isn’t supposed to be determined by a drug unless it’s some kinda blow, meth, caffeine, ma huang, nicotine, lipton, guarana, alcohol, physical exhaustion, vicotin, valium, benzodiazepine, opium, heroin or benadryl. I want to blame the tv on getting my mind active, but i’m sure it’s really all my fault. What ends up happening is I get in bed and I start thinking of the most ridiculous unimportant shit. This might be silly but then again i’m silly and you’re a fuck up so here goes. These are the things I think about when i’m lying in bed trying to go to sleep. They change on any given night.

What was that fish I caught that one time?
Man I need a fishing pole.
What kind of fishing pole had that chartreuse thread on the handle?
Man I love chartreuse.
I bet you could make a ruse in the form of a chart.
I’m gonna go to that fishing website tomorrow.
Do they deliver mail on jewish holidays?
Do jewish people fish?
What the hell does a gefilite fish look like?
Probably nothing like a San Jose Shark.
What hockey game is on tomorrow?
What am I gonna do Saturday?
What the hell day is it?
I should go to bed.
Why is my bed so nice?
Tempur-Pedic, that’s right.
What did I do to deserve this bed?
Deserve is such a virtuous word.
I probably paid some money for this mattress.
I should go to bed.
Wait how much was this mattress?
What the hell was that fish I caught that one time?

x 1000

I wish I had an off switch that wasn’t asphyxiation.

I wonder if I would get sued if I opened a chain of Kentucky Fried Turkey restaurants. They probably wouldn’t win though because my Kentucky Fried Corporate Lawyers restaurant is jam packed.

Not that this has anything to do with the above post but I didn’t win the lottery today. I probably should have bought a ticket but the way I see it the odds are the same even if I don’t.

Normally don’t talk about shit that I don’t make up but I just saw a great show. Who ever knew I could be entertained at Radio City by something besides leg kicking women named after a musical style that came to fruition many many years after they were named. That’s right, i’m talking about the Emoquettes.

If you don’t know Zach Galifianakis, Nick Swardson or Demetri Martin, i’m surprised you’re here. Click their links and check them out. They’re all like the Tom Brady’s of comedy. Actually I take that back. They’re not losers.

I wonder who uses 1800FLOWERS? I really don’t see how someone could possible want to send 1,800 flowers to another person.

Seems like overkill.

I’d have to say the mitsubishi outlander is not the most outlandish vehicle i’ve ever seen. They aren’t the only ones false naming their cars. Nothing that hummer has made resembles an actual hummer. At least as far as i’ve seen.

Today you should elbow someone in the ear and ask them if they’ve heard the el-bows sounds system.

Ok so you got these people putting graffiti in the subways. Sometimes they’re witty and sometimes they’re not. Let’s take a look at this one logically.

Oh shit I had no idea that Egg McMuffins caused cancer. I’ve eaten about 100 of them in my life so I better get checked out immediately. That must mean logically that extra large permanent markers with volatile organic compounds are good for you. You are so smart. I’ll have to remember that. Thanks for the tip Mr. Subway Graffiti Writer.

Wild Seeds could be a touchble heartbreaking teenage reality show about a coming of age airborn plant seed that is in search of its adopted mother.

Disclaimer: Yeah, so what, i’m watching the Discovery channel. I’m just saying that’s one of the many programs I could pitch to them if I actually had the seeds.

I guess if I was playing a video game about fighting, I would only pick a character in the form of a bison if there wasn’t another character with a special move called “Look out it’s a cliff”.

No not Claven.

Is Jameson Whiskey. My friend mit3 told me that.

Too bad they don’t make bullion.

I went to the city of Nice in France a couple of summers ago. Just basing it on how much money I spent, I probably would go to the city of Decent next time.

Must be the Ribeye of the Tiger.

I just wanted to you to know that if you’re playing letterswitch, switching the “w” and the “g” in “segway” is worth about 100,000 points.

That’s like kwyjibo scrabble value at least. Plus it makes total sense.

I really hope I don’t get diabetes because i’ll bet it’s at least 10x harder to find an Aspartame Momma.

Contains phenylalanine, may cause phenylketonuria. Who cares though because she just bought you a Porsche.

I gotta admit that I don’t like every band. Matter of fact, I like very few bands. What I like even less than the bands I don’t like are their fans. This led me to an idea. The idea is to re-sell tickets to shows of bands I don’t like. I know that most of the bands I don’t like are mainstream acts and that this sort of thing has been done very successfully already. The catch is that i’m going to sell the tickets for face value.

You might wonder how i’m going to make money off the whole thing. That’s a very valid question, but I also never said I was going to be making money. The benefit to me is very simple. I am going to wipe my ass with every ticket I sell. Value to me in this situation isn’t in making money, it’s in the fact that people will probably handle the tickets i’ve wiped my ass with. Here are a few of the tickets i’m thinking of. These are known as “Prime Wipers”

1) Womens College Basketball
2) Lillith Fair
3) The Rectum Monologues
4) Aerosmith
5) Keoki
6) Butthole Surfers (I like them but it’s funny.)

You might wonder where the value is for me. The value is that i’m selling the tickets to douchebags so they can do what they would normally do with tickets. Let me tell you the scenarios i’m banking on. Here are a few possible scenarios for my tickets.

1) Ticket buyer gives a ticket to his mother which she puts in a photo album with her son’s baby pictures.
2) Ticket buyer cuts up rails of cocaine with butt wiped concert tickets.
3) Butt Ticket buyer gives a butt ticket to her butt mother which she puts in a photo album with her butt daughter’s baby pictures.
4) Ticket buyer realizes he’s really into anal sex with men after smelling his floor seats for Kanye West.
5) Ticket buyer puts tickets in his mouth while looking for his wallet.
6) Ticket buyer accidentally goes to a Doo Doo Brown concert.

Be on the lookout for butt tickets. Know your seller.

You know how it’s Ash Wednesday right? That’s right. This is the day that they take an ashtray of some old smoked up Marlb dust and wipe it on your forehead. This is to signify that you are no better than cigarette ashes in the eyes of God. In addition to this, it also signifies the beginning of Lent which is Latin for “Dad’s finally sober for a reasonable length of time”.

I have an idea that hopefully will revolutionize Ash Wednesday.

The Logod!

Introducing the first Ash Wednesday ash smudging accessory to incorporate the visibility of a major brand with the all knowing power of God! With this particular model, you can let everyone know you love Nike and God! Christina Ricci sure does! She for one won’t let a forehead like that go to waste with an ordinary ash smudge.

And kids, don’t forget to ask for these by name at your local church!

They say we’re overfishing Tuna at an alarming rate. I still say were doing a hell of alot better than if cats were in charge.