Whoever said “Money doesn’t grow on trees” probably didn’t own a cashew farm.

Woman - Your dick tastes like hand lotion.

Me - Well that’s weird.

This is actually what i’ve heard through the grapevine.

Jail reformation works. Michael Vick just this week learned to read when someone gave him a copy of Old Yeller.

He won $500 when he read and comprehended that Travis shot the dog.

I don’t think he’ll like Cujo so much.

“It’s nice but it’s needs a womans touch.”

thajimc - http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=2195399770&size=m

Bvllets - whoah

thajimc - took that at basilica notre dame

Bvllets - man id love to smoke a blunt in there

I don’t understand why no one has thought of this before. I’m sick of waiting for shit and I know you are too. Someone needs to start Wait Watchers. Wait Watchers is going to be a watchdog group that monitors time to do things and calls for action on taking that down. Since America is so impatient, I don’t see how this could possibly fail.

I originally thought of this because some things in my life just take too much time. I would start with my own personal agenda and then when I free up my own time, I could start working on other peoples issues. Here is a list of some of the things that take too much time.

Cooking a turkey
Crossword puzzles
Choosing a pair of underwear
Opening king crab
Listening to Aerosmith
Making money
Complex math
The last 2 minutes of a basketball game
Writing blog posts
Local news broadcasts
Buying anything at Target in Brooklyn

Wait Watchers won’t just make things shorter. Some things already are so short that you need to make them last a little longer. Here are a few of the things that we are going to make longer.

Lottery drawings
Sex
Deciding on ingredients for a burrito at Chipotle
Lunch breaks
Eating king crab
Nitrous oxide

So I guess that’s that. If you’re down to help me start Wait Watchers, drop me a comment.

I’m pretty good at logic. So good that I have actually figured out how many drinks it would take for me to bang Yoda. Yes that’s right, Yoda from Star Wars.

I’m at the bar and there is a 40 year old asian woman behind the bar. She is getting old to the point where older asian women start to look like Yoda. Right now she is cleaning the a bone from a drumstick chicken wing and i’m analyzing how drunk I would have to be to give her my bone. The answer is 14 drinks.

Ladies and gentlemen I would have to drink 14 drinks to bang Yoda.

Turns out if you watch A Clockwork Orange backwards, brainwashing seems really cool.

Plus you appreciate milk much more.

I got super drunk last night and I met this arab, Attabar Iwaswasted Andmaybehewaswasn’tarab.

We had a great talk.

Troika is basically Russian for threesome. The only reason that I included it is because I had a threesome the other day. It was me, some tater tots and some ketchup. I didn’t say it was sexual but I should have. I love tater tots.

The real reason i’m writing about threesomes is because on I saw 3 different types of Preparation-H in a drugstore window today. I’m not really sure why they would have 3 different types. I can understand there being 2, 1 for males and 1 for females. Actually if they’re a little more gangster, 1 could be for pimps, 1 for bitches and 1 for hoes. I doubt that Preparation-H is gangster so what I was thinking is that they would be some sort of neopolitan flavor blend; chocolate, strawberry and vanilla. It’s not out of line with the amount of a2m going on in this crazy world. Asses touch mouths all the time in the bedroom and don’t act like you haven’t. I would hope they’re all clear so when someone goes down south for a lick they don’t see a creamy red, white or brown coloring on your cinnamon ring.

Sometime I suppose i’ll swing back by the drugstore so that I can properly see what they are. I’d order them right now online but my girl is on Weight Watchers so I gotta check the nutritional values.

I was thinking that an amplified speaker cable playing Barbara Streisand music would be just as dangerous.

Even if the cable had shielding.

I bet if you figure out how to perform a self-abortion with a candy necklace, you would go down in history as being really, really crazy.

And maybe a little sweet too.

“I heard that they fry their hamburgers in lead ore. That’s why they’re so bad for you.”

“I read that McDonalds actually serves people in China.”

“Believe it or not, a lab analysis of a Chicken McNugget actually found no trace of Nugget. Or Mc, or Chicken.”

“Someone once told me that McDonald’s serves dog food in their dog food meals that they serve to people.”

I guess i’m sick of hearing about stuff like this.

Man, I can’t stand people who market toilet paper. Cottonelle? Give me a break. Eli Whitney didn’t enslave people to make toilet paper and we all know that. He invented the cotton gin to simply enslave people, not to make toilet paper with the end result. Besides, there isn’t any cotton in cottonelle. If that was the case, we would make clothes out of toilet paper.

This is the 21st century and we should be using a modern day assolution. If I use the suffix “elle” I will probably get sued because thats how the industry works. I guess I would have to use “ette” for my new modern waste of space invention; Rayonette. Rayonette will be the first toilet paper to not leave clumps of organic material on your ass. That’s my selling point. Sure there are some downsides. It’s not good for septic systems, it’s not good for the environment, it’s not good for your ass; whatever. It’s my idea and I love it. It will succeed.

If you think it won’t succeed, i’m going to go ahead and make Barbwirepes or Polyestyrosanitary Wipes. It’s my environment and I can destroy it if I want.

Everyone else does.

Happy New Yours Motherfucker.

This year i’ll be writing with triple the intensity. Best of luck to both of us.