When someone hands you a glass and says “Do the Dew”, make sure you know what kind of Dew it is. It’s important because chugging Mountain Dewars is quite painful.

Bees are amazing creatures but, do you think that bees know that they’re going to die once they sting you? Supposedly it’s called a defense mechanism. I may not be all that smart, but what kind of defense mechanism kills you in the process? You sting and die or not sting and hope you don’t die. Doesn’t seem like there is much defense involved in that. It’s sort of like if someone has you hostage at gunpoint on the top of a building and you jump off so that he doesn’t shoot you.

I’d like to rescind my earlier statement about bees being amazing creatures.

I got my cat some treats today and it’s clear that they don’t write the descriptions for cats. This actually isn’t a bad idea since cats don’t actually have money or go shopping and can’t read. I guess the reasons are really endless. So basically my cat relies on me to get him treats if I feel like it. I’m fine with that but the problem is that I don’t know which one of these to get. They’re all named sophisticated nouns with these melodramatic catjectives which just confuse the fuck out of me. How am I supposed to know what my cat genuinely wants. He’s a fucking cat and he would probably eat anything out of my fridge if I let him. I finally narrow it down to the Purina “Whisker Lickin’s” brand. Here is a brief profile and my expert analysis of all of them.

Crunch Lovers
Selling Point - Tartar Control
Kill Shot - Super Crunchy
First off, I can’t tell if these are fucking treats or edible toothbrushes for cats. I don’t know who the hell buys these treats and thinks that they’re actually rewarding their cat? Tartar control? I don’t go out and get crest snickers bars or colgate runts. Matter of fact those sound god awful. Cats just don’t know any better and maybe that’s why they think this is a treat. This is not how my cat rolls. Next.

Tender Moments
Selling Point - Soft and Delicious
Kill Shot - Heavenly Taste
Heavenly taste? No shit. My cat will like that because he’s a good Christian. Duh. I honestly don’t know what kind of heavenly taste starts with the ingredients of animal liver flavor, wheat flour and corn gluten meal but these fuckers are soft and chewy. I imagine they’re like meat flavored mini special dark hershey’s. These sound good but there is one other so let’s check it out.

Dreamy Duos
Selling Point - Crunchy Outside with Soft Center
Kill Shot - Made in China
With a ripped off incorrect name, this is off to a really bad start. Everyone knows there is one dreamy duo and that is Hall and Oates. These look like kitty combos, crunchy outside and a soft middle. Ahh, so that’s why dreamy duos. The particular flavor i’m looking at is shrimp and tuna flavor. That’s a big plus in my book because I love both shrimp and tuna with only one exception. I like shrimp and tuna when it isn’t from China. I’m going to bet that my cat doesn’t want to die because some tard in a Chinese factory took a shit and didn’t wash his hands and got E-Coli on the whole batch.

This really wasn’t an hard decision to make, but I absolutely didn’t need to spend 5 minutes in the grocery store analyzing cat treats. The little fucker should be lucky he’s even getting them. So, cat treat manufacturer, if you’re reading, please make it easier on us. Make one cat brand of cat treats and call them “Delicious American Cat Treats.” That is, if you ever want me to buy them again.

I don’t know if any of you ever had a father, but mine taught me one of the best life lessons that one could teach to their young son. I’ll never forget it. He said..

“Son, don’t go messing up your baseball cards because I would be a millionaire if I hadn’t put them in the blender.”

So what ended up happening is that I had no choice but to take care of my baseball cards. Wise words that my dad probably meant about possesions in general and not cards. I went home recently and dug through sets upon sets of baseball cards just going “Wow, I wonder what these are worth.” I turned to ebay and started researching my cards. There is no better way to determine the value of something than to see the current value at Americas “I’m ready to throw this out” flea marketplace. The first card I looked up was a Ken Griffey Jr. Rated Rookie, the best card in the 1989 Donruss set and one of my most valuable cards. The card is modestly priced at $.01 with $2 shipping. A future hall of famer and class act baseball player. His rookie card is now selling for $.01. Approximately 30% of my retirement plan is now worth $.01.

I figure that this might be an anomaly. Maybe I have some more valuable cards out there, who knows. Let’s try the 1984 Mark McGuire rookie in the 1984 Topps set. This card is legendary for a couple reasons. One is that he’s on Team USA and the other is that he’s not a runway model for anabolic steroids inc. The card is now selling for $4.09 and $2 shipping. This was also 30% of my retirement.

As far as I can tell, my dad has an precise vision of the future by +/- 500,000%.

I got sick of looking up cards, so I started looking up the cases that they were in. Both of these cards are in polycarbonate cases that have actual screws in them to hold it together. I’m drunk so I fuck up the search and it suggests a few alternatives. I find not just the case, but a card and a screw down case as a package deal. Cool. It’s a Ryne Sandberg rookie card, in a screw down case for $.01 plus $1.99 shipping. One of the best second basemen of all time. Neither the case or the card is selling for more than a penny. Talk about appreciation. Way to go.

There is a lesson to be learned here but instead of telling you i’m going to announce that I’m accepting donations for my retirement. I will send you baseball cards. Send a self addressed envelope to

bvllets
1 Dejected Kid Lane
Hobbies Turned into Ridiculously Bad Investments, NY 00001
USA, North America
Earth, Milky Way Galaxy

Nobody can drink you under the table if you don’t have any furniture.

It’s possibly true, but seriously buy some furniture.

It’s really too bad that “Wheel in the sky” by Journey charted lower than “Rims on my donk is spinnin yo” by Nelly.

Nobody even cares about metaphors or stationary rims anymore. What a shame.

Dear guy who tapes the lettuce bags shut,

Have you ever eaten any of the product you’ve been taping? Iceberg lettuce or crunchy green water ball as it is known in the South. I know that you work with it, so there is a good possibility that you probably don’t eat it. Believe it or not, iceberg lettuce is actually decent, so I suggest you try it. It’s a novelty food, so eat it with a novelty dressing like “country” ranch dressing that was made in a factory in the “country”. I hate to be a dick (no I don’t), I really do (no), but you need to listen to me. I know you’re only trying to do your job as best you can, but seriously, let’s think about this for a minute. For fucks sake, pretend you’re actually me on this one.

You buy a head of lettuce wrapped in a plastic bag. You have no intention of eating the entire thing. You start to open the bag so you can enjoy the leafy goodness but it’s taped shut. You try to peel the tape back so that you can re-use the bag for when you put it away after you get a normal serving, but you realize after 2 minutes of precision opening that the piece of tape is 10” long and it’s fused to the bag like velcro that is more like permanent velcro with no velcro qualities whatsoever. You have to rip the bag into shreds and put it in the garbage. After novelty lettuce time you have to get a small black shopping bag so you can put it in the back of the fridge like a piece of some cadaver engineered to forget about forever. This procedure of ripping the bag and throwing it out is like buying a box of nerds candy, dumping the candy in your pocket and throwing out the box. What a great idea.

I hope you’re listening Mr. guy who tapes the lettuce bags shut, because i’m not threatening you. Feel free to do what you want. I’m just saying if I ever see piece of tape more than 3” long on the twisted end of a bag of iceberg lettuce, i’m going to buy arugula for the rest of my time on this earth.

Vegetably yours,

bvllets

If you were part of Voltron, you’d be the asshole.

Don’t act like you’re not gonna say it to one of your friends tomorrow.

Now accepting donations in the form of comments. Leave one.

You’ve probably all seen the video titled 2Girls1Cup. I mean, who hasn’t? Two girls shit into a cup and eat it. You knew that. It’s nothing shocking anymore.

You knew that and I feel for you. I really do. Unfortunately, it was your time to see something like that. It’s natural I think. Not to test your boundaries, but if you thought 2Girls1Cup was bad you should have seen 2Girls4Salamanders6PacksofKetchupand1RetardedStepUncle. Amazing love scene, but not realised well due to the amount of ketchup in places where it shouldn’t be. There are better. Well, I guess that 2Girls1Cup(Cup of Arsenic Remix) wasn’t good either. Maybe there aren’t any good remixes, i’ve only seen those two. If anyone knows of any good remixes of this, let me know.

It’s probably and/or definately not fair, but you will see some disgustingly shocking pornograraphy sometime in your life. Hopefully you don’t have to worry about actually enjoying it. Besides, it’s a small price to pay for the huge reward of knowing you genuinely don’t like it. Until then keep testing yourself, weirdo.

When your friend tells you that they are expecting a child, try to focus your congratulations on the gift of life and not the fact that your friend has a penis that works.

Congratulating his wife on her functional uterus isn’t a great idea either.

I have a sinus cold or an infection, so what I did it most normal people do and went to the drug store to get some Sudafed. So i’m walking through the store and I notice that alot of the drugs are missing from the shelf and replaced with cards that say to bring them to the counter so they can give them to you. I marvel for a minute at this new sight and think about how absolutely retarded of a system this is. They have zero space behind the counter and they have all this extra space on the shelves that is used to hold a bunch of flash cards. At this point i’m sick of Duane Reade so I go to the counter and she tells me that I need to show government ID to buy it. I instantly flash back to recalling how meth addicts are able to make meth from pseudoephedrine contained in normal everyday cough medicine. Of course, to make meth they have to get iodine too, but who cares about regulating that. The iodine market is untouchable. Great. So my ID is expired and Cunty McRetard wouldn’t sell it to me. This whole idea makes just so much sense because you may not have known, they don’t give ID to meth addicts. And i’m sure that Duane Reade has an intricate record keeping system for the ID’s of people who purchase pseudoephedrine. It has to be a database system or a something crazy just judging by the average 34 IQ capability of their employees.

So what did I do? I went and bought some meth with no ID around the corner. I’m higher than fuck and my sinuses are wide open. Fuck the system. Do the same.

I got the Hamburger Slammer catalog today (I think it’s like Hammacher Schlemmer, but my version is more fun), which is full of all those neat inventions that you will buy and immediately regret and retire to your closet/shed/ebay. Well, either you retire them or you break them as soon as you get them.

I don’t really see the difference between that and the Skymall catalog, but as one wise friend informed me, airplanes, specifically American Airlines are probably a factor. There are a million things in this catalog, literally. They have everything from invisible dog fences to pearl necklace removers to invisible jetskis that are capable of working in large scale lakes made of kool-aid. I got about 6 pages in before I got to something I thought might be useful. Maybe not to me, but to someone.

The Original Shovelscooper

Do you live in a place where it snows and you need to move that snow? Do you have a dog that shits on the ground? Our creative scientist laboratory inventor people have gone back in time to come up with an invention that already exists and figured out that you can actually use it for multiple things. Yes, that’s right you can shovel snow and pick up dog shit with this amazing Shovelscooper. Made of pure stainless dan steel, this steely dan made shovelscooper will never be “reelin in the years” doin that “dirty work” that used to take twice as long. Don’t be fooled by imitators, this is the original imitation Shovelscooper.

*Not to be used for stones, gravel, grain, dead babies, ash, dead baby ashes or as a living room baseball bat. See p.21 - so says the catalog. I say go for it.

I heard this new term for hooking up with girls on Myspace called “Spaceholing”.

They got it all wrong. It should be called “Douchebragging”.

If this made you uncomfortable, try Facebook. I haven’t figured out what to call you yet.

If you go to a feminist restaurant, don’t ever ask to see a Menu.

Unless you want your coffee pissed in, ask for a “Personu” instead.

You better be ok with Joan Valdez coffee.

I don’t know much about kidnapping nor do I really think about it all that much, but after today I know if I ever do it, that person will certainly be in a wheelchair.

It just seems so much easier given my size and enthusiasm about the whole idea.

I’ve been getting pissed off lately that there aren’t enough wishing wells to help me get the things done that I can’t accomplish on my own. It’s not that there aren’t enough wishing wells, it’s that there aren’t enough wells period. I don’t even know if there is a “well” let alone a “wishing well” anywhere in NYC. Point is, I don’t give a shit if it’s lucky for someone, I just need to throw some change away and hope that it’s good luck. My philosophy is that if the money I had in my hand is now gone, it’s destined to be something I can make a wish on. Fuck a well.

I tried to solve my wishing well problem by throwing some change. It wasn’t in a well and it wasn’t in a sewer. I tossed a quarter on a roof. The first time I did it I made a wish. I’m not gonna tell you what that first wish was but it almost came true. I looked for unknown factors that may have lead my wish astray. Maybe the roof wasn’t high enough so I threw it on a 4th story and it still didn’t get the job done. At least not yet. As a last resort I tried a new tactic. It goes a little like this.

I threw my change at a homeless person as hard as I could. It didn’t matter if he was sleeping or standing, he enjoyed it. I threw all my change as hard as I could at this homeless dude’s head and you know what? My wish came true. What was my wish? It was a wish of hitting a homeless guy in the head with a bunch of change.

Good luck and happy wishing.

I usually don’t get scared about anything, not even death. I guess I might get scared of a slow death like any human being, but not death itself.

The other day I had a problem that scared me so bad that I had to go see a doctor. If you must know it was an abnormal brown lump on my right asscheek that wasn’t a mole. It was brown, slightly bumpy and quite large, so I really felt like I had to get some medical attention. I arrived at the doctor’s office and they forwarded me immediately to an examination room. While I was waiting I got nervous and started to heat up and sweat profusely. My entire life flashed in front of me as I gave myself my own blood pressure and stole a few bottles of betadine and xylocaine. Finally the doctor arrived and tried to give me my blood pressure but I told him I already took it and that it was fine. Once I said syphgmomanometer he finally believed me. He asked me what the problem was and then asked me to drop me my pants. He laughed profusely at which point I bugged out. I couldn’t believe that he was serious so I yelled at him “What the fuck is so FUCKING funny?!?!”.

He apologized about the laughter and said he saw alot of brown the asked if I shit my pants. I told him there was no way it was possible so he smelled my ass and immediately grabbed at my cancer. It didn’t hurt so I looked back, but before that could happen he told me that everything was gonna be ok. I was informed that I had a snackccident and sat on a raisinette. He said I could go. I believed him. Theatre seating is a son of a bitch.

Me - So anyways doc, can I have some xanax?

Doc - Yeah, I think you need it.

This is actually a PSA. Double check your skin cancer because you might have had a snackccident.

If I was to have to define the type of vinegar that collects in my genital region, it would definately be ballsamic.

Calvin went on a trip to Brussels in Belgium. He sent me a picture.

Looks like he’s having a great time.