So I changed addresses the other day. Well, I moved but the USPS doesn’t have a “moving” form, just “change of address”. They told me I couldn’t change my address online and that I had to send in the mail form. I sent in the form and didn’t think much about it until now.

They sent me a confirmation that said “USPS Verification required, do not discard” on the envelope. I basically disregard most mail except letters from the IRS (They can and will fuck you). For some reason I opened it since it thought it was important to get my IRS mailings. Let me tell you, I opened it and it was as important as opening the Sunday circulars or pennysavers for all you rural folk. Sweet, sweet advertising. I will now give you the full list of ads/pamphlets/garbage that I got in the mail from a the USPS.

JCPenney, Geico, AT&T, DirecTV , Kmart, Chase Bank, Gamefly, Invisible Fence, Poland Spring, Vonage, Benjamin Moore, Earthlink, Eversafe, Secure Horizons, National Flood Insurance Program, New York Sports Club, Time Warner Cable, HP, Magazines.com, Checksunlimited.com, Artisticlabels.com, All Posters, People PC, Circuit City, Blinds to Go, Ikea, Globe Life and Accident Insurance Co., Home Depot.

Talk about vertical markets. I know that USPS is trying to maximize their money, but there are a ton of markets they missed out on. If the USPS is about to exploit every person underneath the mail system you might as well do it right. People are people and they will probably be interested in anything you send them. Go for the gold, send everything. Here are just a few of the companies that they missed.

Flowbee, Colt 45, Homeguillotine.com, How to Get Free Cheeseburgers at McDonalds, Expensive Hookers Inc., Ediblekittylitter.com, Refinance Your New Home That You Just Moved Into, Vegan Cheese Outlet, Any company starting with the letter A through Z if they give you some money, Tubgirl.com, Frankie P. Cheesewinkles Pleasure Factory.

Take note USPS, because I sure as hell could use some more things to throw out.

It’s a nice foot, isn’t it? I think I broke my foot but I never went to the hospital. This is the injustice of the American healthcare system. I have insurance but it’s too much of a pain in the ass (foot) to actually go to the hospital. Seriously, who has that much time?

I’m sure i’ll be fine. I can walk and I keep seeing these caveman commercials and they’re ok. They probably broke a foot or two and you know they don’t have modern medicine.

Also, what the hell is Geico?

It’s so windy in New York today that Chicago called me on my cellphone just to tell me that “You’re the man now dog”.

I also called myself and asked why the fuck I would ever publish this joke on my blog.

Original Message Follows:
————————

Customer Name: Jim Salmons
Customer Email: bullets@gmail.com
Subject: general info
Account Number:
Date: 09-24-2007 04:32
Comments: Is it ok to put a tv in a fishtank because i’m wondering if this is a good idea or not. There are no fish in there but there is somecoral if that matters. We may add fish in later but we’re not sure what kind we want to get. My one friend wants to get pirahnas but i’m sort of scared about the cat. Let me know if you have reccomended techniques it or can send a technician out to help. Thanks.

NY/NJ Support_NYC

Thank you, Mr. Jim Salmons, for your recent correspondence to Time
Warner Cable.

In reference to your inquiry, for safety purposes we do not suggest
placing your television set into a fish tank. We appreciate your
contacting us and if you have any more cable related questions please
feel free to contact us.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

If you have any additional questions or need future assistance, please contact us at support_nyc@twcable.com or call our 24 hour Customer Support Line at 212 or 718-358-0900.

Sincerely,

Time Warner Cable
Customer Support

They must really think that their customers are idiots. I gotta thank them for their kind professional response.

Feel free to contact them here.

Have you ever noticed someone’s TV on through their window? It’s not like you’re trying to spy on them, but its really easy to tell what they’re watching. Not necessarily the program, but the type of show that they’re watching. Here is a guide to illuminated TV window watching from a not in the room but I can still see some of it perspective.

Green room, not so many flashes of light. - Football or maybe even Soccer if you think they’re foreign or gay. If it’s like January they might be watching the bermuda grass or amateur wheat channel so please don’t pass judgement.

Long bright white illuminated room with hardly any flashes. - Drama, probably Law and Order if they don’t have cable or Netflix. Law and Order SVU is a bit darker than most so don’t let that fool you.

Sudden flashes of misdirected red, white and blue light. - American Gladiators.

Subdued illumination with a peachy, chocolate or in peachy-chocolate color intertwining. - Most likely some sort of interracial porno, Dairy Queen instructional video or shetland pony documentary. It could also be the story of peach and chocolate, how peach and chocolate were forever satisfied; the E-Harmony story.

Black and dark. - The TV is probably off and they are not watching anything. What the hell is wrong with you?

Hope you found this informative. Please, spy on your neighbors. They may be terrorists or perverts. Either one is totally your business.

Today I was waiting in line to get a copy of Halo 3 when it totally occured to me that I don’t play video games. I just tend to follow all this hype so I got in line. It’s predicted that the gross sales just from tonight/tomorrow are going to be over 150 million so why the fuck wouldn’t I get in on that? I had to buy it. After deep thought and much waiting in line, I realized that I really just wanted to smoke a joint.

Tonight i’ll be selling weed in line at Best Buy. Gross weed sales are expected to be over 450 million in the first week before customers realize that digitally shooting their friends is only so cool before they barely concede to put the game away realizing they were supposed to be at work managing McDonalds in the mall a week ago.

Quitting Subway cold turkey doesn’t work because they have like ham, salami, sweet onion chicken teriyaki and some other shit.

Crave the wave where’s the beef eat fresh can you hear me now this is our country if you have an erection lasting more than four hours five for five buy one get one satisfaction guaranteed jesus christ yo queiro taco bell free breadsticks zero trespassing no hunting or trapping ain’t nothin like the real thing original gangster while they last no transfats may complicate pregnancy twenty one and over ten dollar cover get them while they last going out of business sale triple quarter pounder nothin but net gimme a break me off a piece of that kit kat sentence.

Yeah, that sums it up.

Friend #1 - Did you hear the joke about the religion that didn’t make any logical sense?

Friend #2 - No, but I heard that joke about every religion.

Now that the Canadian dollar is at par with our US dollar, i’m sure that the strip clubs here are going to be absolutely packed to the rim.

Hell yeah, right?

When someone asks you to wait a second, make sure you tell them that you are sick and tired of waiting seconds. Then promptly walk away.

See how far you can get before they say something. If they say something before you get at least 15 feet, promptly turn around and ask them for $5.

Let me know if any of that works. I’m curious.

“I’m not sexist or anything, but I think all college women should major in Supermarketing.”

Some of the ideas for shows that I see on TV during the course of the day aren’t anything special to me. They don’t hit me like 3 orifice porn or lawnmower accidents do. I know we can do better. I am positive that alot of America feels the same way I do about TV programming.

I started to think what my channel would be like if I was in charge of TV programming. I have to think my channel would rule, but my ideas would fall so far out of the normal realm that it would have a tough time surviving. I’m gonna throw some concepts by you, so let me know how you think I would do.

“Today show” would be replaced by the “yesterday show”.

A show like this I would actually need to be on. Basically I have no idea what is going on today. What I do most of today is try to remember what I did yesterday. Deciding what i’m going to do today is alot less interesting that remembering what actually happened last night. The yesterday show would be sitting on a couch for 8 hours smoking weed and actually trying to remember what I did (and didn’t do) last night.

“The paid advertisement channel”

If you feel like watching a paid advertisement, I think that you should be able to. Let’s keep them all on one channel just for this reason. Guaranteed to have at least a 2 hour rotation. We can call this the Ron Popeil channel for short.

“Reality shows” would be replaced by “unreality shows”.

Maybe this transition is already going down since the next taping of Joe Millionaire is rolling in Afghanistan, but reality shows need to stop getting so real. Absolute reality things like “immunity” and the “big brother challenges” are just getting a little too real for my tastes. Please mask my TV from such real things. What I want to start is an “unreality show” where people end up doing things like “getting jobs”, “staying warm”, and “making sure they have a BAC under .08 so they may legally operate a motor vehicle”. You know, unrealistic shit like that.

“Game shows” would be replaced by the “cuckoo clock channel”.

With the exception of The Price is Right and Jeopardy, all gameshows blow. Gameshows are complete time wasters, so I decided to replace it with something more stimulating, the cuckoo clock channel. This is a 30 minute or 1 hour block of a camera focused only on a cuckoo clock. You have to keep it on until the end to see what the cuckoo clock is going to do. I guarantee that it would be more entertaining and would get higher Nielsen ratings than any gameshow today. I guess it depends on the cuckoo clock though.

If you want me to have my own TV channel, make sure you write your local senator or whoever is in charge of that kind of shit. Let me know what you think of my channels and if you have an idea for a show, please write it in the comments!

WBVL - Turn on, tune in, pass out.

It’s hard having black friends. Well, at least having black friends that understand your sense of humor.

For instance, when you’re playing with something such as a clothesline, it’s not a good idea to tell your black friend to play with the other one so that you can use them in a “Race War with Dangling Looped Ropes”. They might not get that you’re an unintentionally insensitive completely unpolitically correct individual.

Next time just say you want to play a “Clothesline Speed Contest”.

Me - I’ve been thinking of getting a membership here at the gym. I need to get a little more upper body muscle. Maybe work on my chest, you know?

Trainer - We can get a routine going. Have you worked out before?

Me - A little bit, but that was a while ago. I forgot most of it.

Trainer - I see. Do you know how much you bench?

Me - Probably one of those wooden park ones. I don’t think I can lift one of those heavy ones in the subway or the metal ones at the bus stop.

Trainer - Huh?

Me - Ok fine, maybe I can only really do a chair press. I might have overestimated with the bench.

Trainer - Oh haha that’s not really what that means. It means how much you can lift over your head while laying on a bench.

Me - Ok so I guess I really haven’t worked out before.

Since my name is bvllets, I get alot of jokes about me “shooting blanks”. I’m not really amused at the futile pun they’ve just offered up, but what’s actually funny is when I ask them what it means. Ninety-eight percent of people will just look at you stupid for about 5 seconds before they even start to formulate what to say. It completely flips them into a defensive mode and you gotta just keep asking questions. It goes kinda like this.

Friend - That’s because bvllets is really shooting blanks! (Everyone Lol’s)

Me - Shooting blanks? What does that mean?

Friend - *Long Pause* What, shooting blanks?

Me - Yeah. What exactly does that mean?

Friend - It’s where you can’t get a girl pregnant cause your sperms dont swim.

Me - Are you sure that’s what it means? I would figure it would mean that i’m not shooting anything, not a mess with a bunch of lazy sperm in it. Think about what blanks actually are. You put them in a gun and they shoot nothing. You got a blank piece of paper. What’s on it? Nothing. Exactly.

Friend - *Another Long Pause* I guess it could be that too.

Me - You guess? What the fuck is this all about? How are you going to accuse me of something you’re not even sure what the fuck it is?

Friend - Ok fine, It could be either, they’re both technically blanks.

Me - So how do you suppose that would work? Let’s say you don’t shoot anything. Wouldn’t that hurt? Is it maybe going somewhere else in your body? Should I be worried? Should I see a doctor?

Friend - Dude, I was only kidding.

Me - Real funny dude. I could have something wrong with me and now you’re making tasteless jokes.

Friend - *Walks Away*

When they’re no longer in my sight, that’s when I start laughing. I win.