It’s not that I hated sushi, but there were just too many reasons to not eat it. There are so many options out there in the realm of food so there was no reason for me to eat something that didn’t really capture me. I always got the tried and true things like a california roll or a spicy tuna roll when I went, so whats the use? Here are 5 things that I don’t miss about not eating sushi.

1. Raw fish
2. Seaweed
3. Parasites
4. Lack of spices
5. Pretentiousness

Not eating sushi is a double edged sword. Some people can’t comprehend why I don’t want to eat it. Here are 5 personal comments from people that I tell about how I don’t like eating sushi anymore.

1. Idiot
2. Yankee
3. Pussy
4. Patriot
5. Choice maker

*shrug*

Friend - I got the first season of 24 on DVD. I’m gonna start watching it tonight.

Me - I know something you should do instead that will be way more fun.

Friend - What’s that?

Me - Take a can of spaghetti-o’s and a can of beefaroni and put it in the dryer on high for like 7-8 hours. Just sit there and watch it.

Friend - Uhmmm..

Me - Cranberry sauce would work fine too. It just needs to be viscous.

Friend - Uhhh..

Me - Trust me bro I wouldn’t lie.

The other day I was minding my business on the bus and noticed a storage companys logo. It wouldn’t have meant much even 6 months ago but now all I can see is one thing. A dick, in a box.

Great Logo. Thanks to Storage Deluxe for the ROFFLES. Hopefully they won’t get mad.

p.s. - They talk about their storage spaces on the site as “units”. There is a special section on “picking a unit size”. The fun just don’t stop with Storage Deluxe.

Friend - I really don’t get bukkake at all. It seems so degrading.

Me - I personally don’t know why anyone would play hockey with books, but yeah i’m sure the books would fall apart.

“Hey man, i’m just saying it’s possible that whoever invented the Blue Razzberry flavor could in fact be color blind.”

I don’t know if you guys out there have huge balls like I do, but every once in a while I sit on one of my nuts. If you’re a girl, it’s a type of pain I can’t properly relay, but it is so intense it makes you want to puke. I was in a hurry at work and rushed to get back to my computer to finish an email, and I accidentally sat on my right testicle. I sat down with such force that I literally bounced off my nut and then landed in a compromised position on my desk chair. I yelled ow and stood up in the typical “I got hit in the nuts” pose.

Co-Worker - Are you ok??

Me - Yeah, just a cramp.

Co-Worker - A cramp down there?

Me - Yeah I got a strained epididymis.

Co-Worker - What?

Me - Yeah, I was born with huge testicles. Epididymis strain, look it up. *grabs balls*

Co-Worker - *walks away*

Watch your nuts kids or you’ll have to make up stories like this.