Me - Yeah, i’m not feeling so well. To tell you the truth i’ve been shitting all night long.

Friend - Really? Do you feel sick?

Me - Not so much. I do feel a little dehydrated but not really nauseous.

Friend - Do you think it was something you ate?

Me - I guess it could have been the Jalapeno Poopers I ate last night.

Friend - Heh. Yeah ok.

Me - Well it was either that or the Kentucky Fried Shittin.

Friend - You’re an asshole.

I love how technology is moving us into the 21st Century with appliances that are simply more helpful. I really do. There are so many advances that provide a better life for all of us. There is one invention that I really can’t live without. You probably know exactly what i’m going to say, and you’re right; the automatic no-touch faucet.

I don’t know anything that is more convenient for washing your hands than a faucet that has no distinct on/off switch or temperature control. I personally love 3 second bursts of 180 degree water. I can get my hands wet, get soap on them, wash them and rinse them off in 47 consecutive on/off cycles. Talk about helpful. Sometimes if i’m drunk, it’ll take me 10 cycles, and i’ll have second degree burns on my hands. It’s not a bad tradeoff to shave 3 minutes off my handwashing time. Especially if I can help someone else save on their water bill.

I can only hope these timesavers are installed at my next apartment.

I’m watching the Mets game and as I turned it on they said the Carlos Delgado has 2 foul balls.

I’m sure the same thing can be said for most heterosexual males during any sporting event.

Broken computer = no posts.

I’ll write more once it’s fixed.

Some of my friends and I go out to the woods in Northeast Pennsylvania by the Delaware Water Gap to fish and professionally drink. We may or may not eat mushrooms. Even i’m not totally sure on that one. A day of sitting around that area leads one to wonder why we’re not seeing Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) all over the place. There has to be an explanation because everyone knows how substantial the Bigfoot population was in the Delaware Water Gap about 10 years ago. We tried to think if it could be politics, economics, human expansion, coyotes or some sort of virus that caused Bigfoot’s decline. 12 beers and 15 marlboros later, mit3 finally threw it out there.

“I think Bigfoot can auto-fellate.”

I didn’t realize how concise that statement was at that moment. I thought to myself, this is must be why we have never seen them in person. Bigfoot has no reason to seek out a Mrs. Bigfoot to plant his seed because he’s having fun getting off by himself. Has anyone ever seen a baby Bigfoot? When he’s not foraging for food or appearing in movies, he simply sits in a soft patch of pinetrees, puts his legs behind his head and blows himself into oblivion. Incidentally, it would also explain the strange noises I hear in the woods at night.

I gotta thank mit3 for the terseness of his statement. It really shined a great light on the dilemma that is the extinction of Bigfoot.

Me - Jock Jams was way more than just something people listened to. Jock Jams was like, a movement.

Friend - Really? You think so?

Me - Most certainly. It was so far ahead of it’s time and it inspired all those other compilations to come out that were geared at a specific demographic. I dunno about you but i’d call that a movement.

Friend - Wouldn’t it have a name? I mean, what kind of movement?

Me - Probably bowel.

Sorry I haven’t been publishing lately. I’m at my parents house in Buffalo drinking box wine and watching the incontinent dog have his way with the rug. I’ll be back with something funny soon.

American Express
PO Box 31525
Salt Lake City, UT 84131
Reference: 2007225 19 34253 USD

Dear bvllets:

Thank you for your recent application for JetBlue Card from American Express. We do value your desire to establish a relationship with us. We regret that we are unable to approve your request for the following reason(s):

Your credit is fucking shitty.

Thank you,

American Express

Hispanic Heritage Month starts September 15th. Get ready.

I’m gonna refrain from making the joke that they’re too lazy to start it on September 1st.

Like I said i’m gonna refrain from making that joke. They start Shark Week on an off day so I understand.

A very wise woman once told me how to drink.

Friend - As long as you don’t use it as a crutch, it’s ok.

Me - I’ve been using it as an electric wheelchair so we’re all good.

I’ve been thinking about writing a sitcom/series/show/screenplay. I have a couple ideas kicking around which you might really hate. That’s why i’m going to tell you about them. Here goes.

Screenplay Title #1
“Armless Joe”
Armless Joe is a show about a guy who had his arms cut off in a freak home guillotine accident. He cut them off on two seperate occasions while testing out his innovative inverted backyard guillotine. Joe works at Costco and operates a forklift. He kills or mames someone weekly with the forklift at Costco (That’s pretty believeable, right?). Joe’s biggest dilemma in his life is his cronic athletes foot. He has to itch his feet so bad he walks around and asks people to scratch his feet. He meets a girl who is a podiatrist and loves to scratch his feet. He instantly falls in love with her but she is really into CBT (Cock & Ball Torture). Armless Joe really loves his junk but is willing to take some pain for someone to itch his feet. The show is based on the push/pull needs of a loving relationship.

Screenplay Title #2
“The Plant Show”
This is a show involving real plants and their quest to get some water. The entire show focuses on plants that can’t move and they never get any water. I suppose we can just use a picture of some plants and hold that frame for as long as it takes.

Screenplay Title #3
“Rower Pangers”
An interdimensional being named Zordon chooses five teenagers with attitude to morph into powerful warriors drawn from the spirit of dinosaurs, protecting the world from the forces of space witch Rita Repulsa with the use of their giant transforming robots, known as Zords.

Well, let me know which one of these is your favorite. If you think that “Rower Pangers” is similar to “Power Rangers”, you’re way off.

Michael Vick? Michael Dick is more like it. I seriously hope he gets jailtime.

Whoopsie. I’m not really a messy person, but I do occasionally spill stuff on my clothes. Here are a couple of helpful stain tips that I have learned over the years.

Oil - Dip the entire item of clothing in oil. You will not notice the oil stain any longer. Try to use the same oil that was spilled. Like, if you spill some salad dressing on your sweater, you might wanna use canola oil and not your dad’s old 50 gallon drum of used 10W-30.

Wine - Try drinking beer or vodka next time. And not be such a fucking lush. Trust me, that’s how wine gets spilled.

Grass - Turn the clothing inside out and put it back on. It’s like Kriss Kross but different. Stains gone!

Coffee - Take a few Xanax before you drink your coffee there Mr. Jitters. I have no idea about getting out coffee stains, but shit Xanax are really good anyways. Take a few Xanax right now actually.

Salt - Are you kidding me? Salt doesn’t stain. Put it in the washer dicktard.

Ketchup - Roll some french fries around on the stain and then eat the fries. It’s not a bad idea to use a little bit of salt and/or vinegar. The stain will still be there but you will be significantly less hungry. Follow it up with a burger and a beer.

Blood - Cut a hole in the item of clothing and say you were stabbed. If someone asks you who stabbed you, say “I did” and then cross your eyes when you look at them. No one’s gonna really care about the stain.

Mustard - Take a little bit more mustard and make the stain into a circle. Now get a bleach pen or white out and draw an amoeba around the stain. Color in the outline, but leave the mustard stain. Voila! Now you have a sunny side up egg and no stain. Everyone loves eggs.

Urine/Feces - Uhm, are you my grandmother?

Hope this helps. Good luck with those stains.

I can’t believe they never did an Albert Einstein - Real men of genius commercial.

Talk about oversight.

A Friend and I were walking through Fort Greene park the other day and there were a few girls in the park playing around with actual swords. A bit odd, yes.

Friend - Yo bvllets, check it out those chicks are swallowing swords over there!

Me - No dude, look at their shirts. They say Blowjob University. It must be an offsite or some sponsored event they’re doing. Besides, I don’t see any “swallowing”.

Friend - Oh. Let’s go watch!

Me - Sho’ nuff!

So I decided to shave my head yesterday. I gave up my glorious skater cut for a nice cue ball pretty much on a whim. I had a picture on my college id from like 2000 when I had a shaved head, so I sorta knew what I was gonna look like. A shaved head on the same person doesn’t really change over the years in case you didn’t know. Unless you take brain steroids.

The problem with shaving your head is that everyone thinks that something is wrong. Imagine something major is going on in your life that you’re afraid to talk about, so you shave your head to get it all out there. Evidently you can’t just shave your head. Here are a few conversations i’ve had lately.

Conversation #1 - The Workplace

Co-Worker - So why did you do it?

Me - You tell me. Cancer, AIDS or both?

Co-Worker - Whoah, you’re crazy.

Me - It’s cancer you asshole.

Conversation #2 - The Apartment

Roommate - Whoah dude, why’d you do that?

Me - We just got evicted so I sold all my hair. Oh by the way your clippers are broken.

Roommate - We got evicted???

Me - Well just me, from the Fantastic Sams web forum.

Conversation #3 - The local deli

Worker - Hey guy! You shaved your head. Why?

Me - Remember how I bought a case of beer last night?

Worker - Uh oh, what happened.

Me - Some fucking bonafide indians came and scalped me for it. They might have been mexicans but that’s besides the point. Actually they all kinda looked like you. *squints*

Worker - I assure you it wasn’t me.

Me - Don’t mind me, I can see you have some righteous Telemundo on the TV there. I’ll let you go.

I think that if you named your kid Dad, things would probably get a little out of control. Probably not as out of control as if you named him Turkeybaster or something though.

Yesterday I had to put my cat to sleep. He wasn’t a cheap cat and i’ve had him for a few years so it’s kinda hard on me.

The good news is he is awake today.

If a butterfly lands on your toast, would you really be that upset?