Here is, another reason that I’m a retard. Making my bed.

I never used to make my bed. Never meaning that I was never forced to make my bed in my childhood and never got into the habit. I know people that make their bed daily (No, seriously) and they’re like “Why don’t you make your bed?”. They know the answer. It’s because I don’t fucking do it. Well, it never really bothered me because making my bed is a pain in the ass. Who wants to stand at the side of their bed and spread their arms out horizontally across the sheets and fall into the bed to get the sheet to the other side? Then do that with the top blanket? No one. Maybe that’s because people don’t make their bed like I do. Maybe they stand at the side of their bed and flick the sheet into the air so it goes over to the other side without having to fall face first into the bed with your arms in the air. So yeah. That’s how they do it in case you’re wondering.

And that is another reason, that I ‘m a retard.

Like my second hit of crack, I couldn’t turn it down.

Fax Machines - Using paper effectively since they were invented.

Looking at my electric bill today I’d say we use about an 8-ball of power a month.

Give or take a gram.

Friend - Did you know that the toilets flush backwards in Australia?

Me - Did you know that you have no attention span? I asked you what we were going to eat.

You ever get one of those checkout people that has absolutely zero regard for your food when they throw it down the backstop into the bagging area? The person who chucks your fresh ripe apricots. The person who drops your carton of unbroken and carefully inspected eggs. The person who just doesn’t give a shit about what you’re buying.

I figured out a way to fuck with these people. They’re hard to forget and most people go to the same grocery store, so you can figure out who they are and when these people are working. When you have a cart full of groceries, go to the line next to them when you’re checking out. When your new cashier is scanning and putting your foodstuffs towards the bagging area, say hi to the cashier who had no disregard for your food the last time you went to the store. When she says hi back, immediately repeat as follows.

“Yeah i’m doing ok, i’m just glad that this cashier doesnt throw my food after she scans it like you do. Great weather outside isn’t it?”

I swear to god you will never have any problems with any of the cashiers throwing your food around.

I just wanted to let everyone know my favorite brands of birth control. Just in case you’re out there getting busy and wondering what works best.

Jizzinerhair
Cumonerface
Doitindabut
Whyontjablowme

Hopefully one of these brands will work good for you. They sure do the trick for me.

I was walking through the park the other day, and I accidentally tripped on a mushroom.

I had crabs for lunch the other day. After the fact I remembered I saw her on Deadliest Snatch. I wish I got her name. Who knows that else I ate.

A friend of mine asked me why all the Astronomers he knows are gay. I had to break it to him that i’ve seen the way that they look at Uranus.

Just here to let you in on a couple secrets. Ever try to celebrate the 4th of July without fireworks? Well as a white trash alumni, I have a few tricks that you can use to impress your Mother-in-Law/Sister. Just follow these simple steps to achieve the same effect as actually having fireworks.

Sparklers - Get Uncle Jimmy’s welding set and some Aluminum Foil. Weld as necessary.

M-80’s - Take a sledgehammer and put it through a CRT TV.

K-1000’s (Dynamite) - Get a bunch of CRT TV’s and a bunch of people with sledgehammers and put them all through the TV’s at the same time.

Jumping Jacks - Take a cigarette and put it in a model rocket engine. These are alot of fun. Trust me, my grandpa didn’t call them African-American chasers for nothing.

Bottle Rockets - Get yourself a 3” PVC pipe and a bunch of empty Miller bottles. Put some gas in the bottom of the PVC pipe. Drop a bottle in and toss a burning Marlboro in there. Voila, Rockets that are bottles.

Ladyfingers - Very hard to get unless you know some actual ladies.

Firecrackers (Black Cats) - Find a black cat and put a teaspoon of gunpowder in their ass. Finish it off with a wick. Light and enjoy.

Roman Candles - Buy a round trip ticket to Rome and take some candles. Bring them back and burn.

Smoke Bombs - Leave 3 months worth of lint in the dryer and put it on high as long as it goes.

Happy 4th folks!!!!

Dale Earnhardt the XXVII will win the Daytona 500 in 2945.

There will be as many contestants as you can hallucinate in the inagural LSD Freakout hosted at Bellevue Mental Hospital.

A Cyber-Aided Cryogenic Michael Jackson will win the Kid Diddler Invitational in 2097.

Someone I don’t know will win WebWimbledon, the world’s first real online tennis tournament dedicated to overweight nerds who live with their parents.

The last 4 people who care about Olympic Curling will give up on the sport. Oh, they’re also playing and will die on the ice. They all win. Nothing.

In 2010 someone will die a brutal death in the Octagon, formerly known as UFC.

Sunglasses, stupid hats, unnecessary attitudes, a bankroll of Yen and a sponsor for a random poker site with a stupid name will be manditory for entry in the World Series of Poker.

Basketball players realize that they are not throwing peaches, as the sport was originally intended.

There will be a draw between eighteen Jews in the Dradle Halfpipe championship in the X-Games. The winner will be decided by who has the funniest hat.

American Gladiators will actually have a purpose.

I’m all in.

I’m sorry but the computer ate my homework.

Dear Woman,

I noticed your face the other day and something occured to me. I noticed that you pulled out your eyebrows and then subsequently drew them all back on with a marker. I know i’m not an expert but I think you can just trim them correctly the first time.

Just trying to help,

bvllets

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an iphone.

Then you’re just straight up pissed.

Today I tried Jordan Almonds again today for the 432nd time. They still suck. I have come up with a few other names for them to get them up to speed with me.

Michael Jordan’s Almonds.
Just fucking give me some Almonds.
Jordan. One hell of a country.
Get rid of the fucking sugar and give me some fucking Almonds.
These blow fucking space nards.
Jordan Almonds. The candy choice of Hamas.
Get rid of the fucking flavorless fucking sugar and give me some fucking Almonds.
I’ve just eaten one now please hand me a napkin.

Seriously, thanks for wrecking Almonds.

Is it anal to have your tools set up by the dewey decimal system or is that just plain booksmart?

The best part about riding a train is the safety-warning announcements. The god damn conductor thinks he’s a pilot or something.

“In case there is a sudden loss of cabin pressure, take it easy.”

“We have approached our cruising altitude of sea level and we are going to turn off the fasten seatbelt lights. Also, Amtrak is seatbeltless for your convenience.”

“The landing gear has deployed. Attendants please prepare for stopping.”

“Thank you for flying Amtrak. Buh bye.”