My leg hair is a consistent length and the same goes for my arms and shit. Why does it only grow so short?

I have a theory that elves or fairies come into my room and cut my arm and leg hair while listening to Debbie Gibson.

Is that really so far fetched? Elves and fairies love that bitch.

And people think i’m crazy.

I just found out that people search for ‘Laugh Now Cry Later’ on the overture search platform 1294 times a month. That means overall it’s probably closer to 4000 times a month.

God help us if people are actually getting these tattoos.

Why do we still have brooms? Didn’t vacuums take care of that?

Dear Lowenbrau,

I don’t know where you’re from but I really like the way you look. You have very nice curves and pretty color scheme. I must admit that. I just had to open you. I just had to get inside you and find out for myself what you felt like. You hit my tongue like runoff from a boiler that was made in 1858 but not used since 1963.

I’m not saying anything about your hygiene but you weren’t so fresh. I’d recommend some rephresh if you have a vagina since it controls vaginal ph quite well. I’m going to assume you’re a dude and spit you out on my living room floor.

Don’t take this to heart but i’m not going to ever touch you again. Don’t even think of booty calling me. Well, maybe if i’m already drunk.

Love,

bvllets

I went out to a club the other day but it felt like more like a softball bat with bottle service.

Do I have the right to complain?

As I was taking a shit today, I realized I was short for time so I brushed my teeth while I was on the toilet. It really wasn’t a good idea because I had to get up to get water to rinse out the toothpaste, but it’s the thought that counts.

There are so many activities that are restricted to the bathroom for either hygenic or logistic reasons. I figured out a few new ways to cut some time and combine activities in the bathroom. Try some of these for a unique experience.

Brushing your teeth while showering.
Shaving while showering. (You probably need a shower mirror to do a decent job.)
Shitting while shaving. (See above parentheses.)
Tweezing your unibrow and refilling the toilet paper. (Once in a blue moon.)
Shaving your balls while flossing. (Electric razors/clippers only. Seriously who bics their junk?)
Combing your hair and pissing. (Degree of difficulty extreme.)
Popping zits and jerking off. (Degree of difficulty very hard if you don’t have zits.)
Taking out your contacts while trimming your moustache. (The sharper the scissors the better.)

Public bathrooms a plus.

If you have any other ideas

I stand corrected. I was wrong when I walked into your apartment and said:

Oh man it reeks like incest in here.

I really meant “incense”. How was I supposed to know your family was so tight?

It’s hilarious when you see people reading romance novels. Today I saw two women reading the same romance novel on the train. I thought to myself that it was actually pretty sad, but funny. I’m guessing they both wanted a threesome or polygamous arrangement with Fabio.

These are novels for a reason. They’re fictional narratives of people that you will never meet because they’re too busy reading romance novels. When you’re not reading romance novels, you’re bitching about men at your fondue/sex toy/tupperware parties. And you wonder why you can’t meet a man who is “sensitive” and has “feelings”.

Ladies, I have a cure for you. Learn to find the beauty in beer, sporting events and hot dogs/nachos. You want romance? I just told you where to get it. It’s not in Danielle Steel novels. She would never know because she’s too busy writing romance novels. Trust me on this one. You want to have a hot date? Buy some baseball tickets and bring your bankroll.

I’m available Friday and Sunday next week. Arena football is a no go.

How come everyone is all shocked when I ask them if they’re coming to my surprise birthday party?

I meant surprise for you. I know you won’t remember. It’s not for another 3 months.

If you’re having trouble with high blood sugar levels, try disabling cookies on your web browser.

I suppose Pitbull fighting wouldn’t be so bad so long as you ate the dog that lost.

“That girl is probably so tight you need a Dickhorn just to get inside her.”

I think that eventually I will just lose it. I pretty know exactly when it’s going to be. I’ll be in Duane Reade in 2022, buying razor blades.

I made the mistake of buying the Gilette Fusion Power, so now razor blades cost me $14.99 for 4 blades. Let’s figure this out. The blades will wear out in about a month, so that’s 1 pack a month for a total of $179.88 for year. Given the current rate of increase of the amount of blades on a razor, 15 years from now, they will have 27 blades. In 15 years, 27 blade razor cartridges will cost $27.33 each for a grand total for $71.99 for a pack of 3 razors. These will wear out in a month for a grand total of $863.88 for a year.

15 years from now, I will break down in a Duane Reade. I will open a pack of Gilette Vingt-Sept Electromagnetic Radiating razor blades and proceed to slit my wrists. I get blood all over the package and they can’t sell it, which means I win; and die. Cleanup on aisle 6.

Can you imagine the beards on homeless people in the year 2022? I can barely afford to shave now.

Someone the other day brought up that they had a cleaning lady for their house. I started telling them that I just don’t trust someone in my house but then I instantly realized that it wasn’t the core reason. I think if I had a cleaning lady I would start throwing leftover pizza and food behind the couch. Here would be a typical conversation.

Friend -What should I do with the watermelon rinds and chicken bones?

Me - Put them under the rug for the cleaning lady. Duh.

Yeah, I do have some black friends.

So I tend to dress pretty well and i’m into fashion. I read some fashion magazines and pay attention to what’s going on in the fashion world. Some of the stuff for the Spring/Summer collections were very different. Different from itself in alot of ways. However, there were 2 things that were common and consistent for both the Men’s and Women’s collections. Here is where I let you know the 2 biggest fashion tips this year. You wanna look good all you gotta do is be pretty and skinny.

You heard it here first.

I heard the new Harry Potter book ends with the reader getting a life.

Do they have anonymous support groups for people who sniff sharpies? Cause I think they would totally get along with my White-Out sniffers anonymous group.

Your statements
1. I know you think you have beautiful feet.
2. I know you like to wear flip flops and sandals in public.
3. I know it’s not illegal.

My rebuttal
1. A bunion and a shrimp shaped pinky toe do not make a beautiful foot. Besides, beautiful foot is an oxymoron.
2. Shoes really do look better on you.
3. Maybe, but it should be.

You know what they say in my neighborhood.

Mi souped up 1987 Toyota Supra y su souped up 1987 Toyota Supra.

Formulas can have errors because they aren’t just mathematical things. They are also things you nurse your baby or sick bird/rabbit/assorted varmint you found. I don’t necessarily look for formula on normal trips to the store. If I feel like a baby, maybe i’ll keep an eye out for them. I was unaware that there are different types of formula. There is Soy, Ethanol, Breast, 10W-30 and Hypo Allergenic varietals for your baby’s need. Only one of these really stuck out to me and that was the Hypo Allergenic version. Shouldn’t all babies be nursed with Hypo Allergenic formula? I really can’t remember the last time when a mother wished an allergic reaction on her baby.

Now that’s marketing.