The Real Rice Krispies.

The Real Cocoa Krispies.

No lie. This is how they intended it.

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I go to look at the time before i’m about to meet a girl, some dude steps in my way. I’m gonna call it “Clock Blocking” for lack of something better to call it. Why do these guys keep blocking my clock? Maybe they’re just trying to block my clock cause they’re jealous. Who knows. I mean, I sorta do have a big clock. That’s ok guys, I just have the girls look at my clock.

I think that someone must be slipping corn in my ass while i’m sleeping or something. It keeps coming out in my poop. Is there a corn fairy?

I went fishing in Pennsylvania this weekend. It was all good except for the tick episodes which I will write later. We went to this place on the side of the road and I took this picture because I found it so amazing.

So this is a sign at a place in Pennsylvania. Let me tell you what this place had. It was basically a hotel with an electronics store/restaurant/taco bell/clothier/barista/pizza hut/church thing in it. I wasn’t surprised in the Pennsylvania store model. We all know they also have a furrier and a custom drapery business in the back. Pennsylvania does it all. I was however surprised by the church. They broke the commandments of creating a church in Pennsylvania. Let me show you them.

1. Thou shalt not start thine Pennsylvania church ceremony at 1:15. This during thy devils hour.

This is obvious. Nobody but degenerates wake later than 12pm. Trust me, I wake up at 2 sometimes.

2. Thou shalt not build a church inside a restaurant. Churches should handle no appetites.

Who was ever hungry at church? That shit made me sick.

3. Thou shalt not go through thy effort of building a church inside a restaurant inside a truck stop.

Do I need to explain this one?

4. Thou shalt not advertise thine church on 8.5” x 11” sheets of paper printed off a bubble jet 590c from 1992 and taped to a window in a crooked fashion.

They didn’t handle the information age too well and this was recently outlawed. Who knows, maybe they were cool about mimiographs or photocopies before that. You know, handmade shit.

5. Thou shalt not place false methamphetamines within thine church for truck drivers to purchase to get thy jollies off.

Jesus wants all the meth and false meth to himself. Let him get it from his underground sources in Malaysia.

Yikes. This shit really exists. Anyone else know any rules this place might be breaking?

My friend called me and asked me if I was gonna be around for the Sopranos finale. I told him yeah and that I would be here with bells on. Then I wondered if maybe he was picturing me on the couch in some bondage leather reindeer straps with bells on them. Maybe with a gimp mask. I had to call him back and tell him I would be here with clothes on and no gimp mask.

This Sopranos better be good.

Lately I have been bombarded with energy saving commercials both on the subway and tv. Energy saving also means conserving fuel. I don’t drive but I gotta hear about this shit all the time. I remember hearing about the “Not buy gas day” on May 15th and thinking, Wow. You guys are douchebags. Point is that it has nothing to do with conservation and every dicktard that didn’t buy gas on the 15th, filled up on the 14th or 16th. I’m sure that had a huge effect on the world.

I do have another idea to conserve fuel. It’s a simple plan that I call “Outlawing Nascar”. This would have to save a shitload of fuel. They do what, like 500 laps around a fucking track multiplied by a whole bunch of retards in cars that get 2 mpg. Plus they gotta practice too. Nothing says high gas prices like rednecks burning gas driving in circles. It’s really a homerun idea to Outlaw Nascar. We won’t have to see these Nascar fuckwits wearing hats that say Home Depot or Tide with some random number on it. I don’t even need to bring up the jackets.

All in favor say “I live in the city”.

One of my favorite pastimes is calling PBS when they’re selling something (asking for money). I saw something today about Animusicals or something. It was basically like computer animation and some music over it. They were asking the modest price of $150 for 2 DVD’s and a mousepad. What a deal. So I called.

PBS - Hello, PBS.

Me - Yeah I saw this thing on Animusicals.

PBS - Yes, its a DVD set we have for sale.

Me - Cool. I see that it’s $150.

PBS - Yes, that’s for 2 DVD’s and the mousepad.

Me - Are you serious? That would be 2 DVD’s, that I can get for $30 new at a store, for $150. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the mousepad.

PBS - Well we kind of look at it as a contribution to PBS.

Me - A contribution for what? The freaking hour long commercials you run about buying this DVD?

PBS - We play other programmi-

Me - Yeah like commercials for Monty Python.

PBS - No I was referring to the original material that we play daily.

Me - Oh you mean the commercials for the Tote Bags. Actually I was wondering if there were any online specials or coupon codes for this.

PBS - No actually there aren’t.

Me - Ok, I’ll see if I can find it on Ebay. Thanks

PBS - But uhmm

The worst part is these guys are volunteers. At least I restricted myself to not swear at them. *shrug*

New from KFC, the Chicken Choker! If you can’t choke it, it ain’t Chicken.

Me - Hey man, how ya doin? Long time no see. You actually look like you lost some weight!

Stranger - I actually did lose some weight! How are you?

Me - I’m fine as always. Have you tried re-tracing your steps?

Stranger - I’m not sure what you mean.

Me - To find that weight you lost!

Stranger - Oh you. You’re so funny.

Me - No seriously, you look like you joined the Ethiopian cross country team. You look a sun-fried worm on the sidewalk. What the fuck man. Eat a cheeseburger there boney.

Stranger -Uhmmm. Who the fuck are you?

Me - Just some guy who sees you as an emaciated douchebag.

Stranger - Hey man! Fuck you! *walks away*

Me - Yesssss *snickers*

To this day I have never met someone who is still a Toys ‘R’ Us kid. Everyone is all grown up.

What a load of shit that commercial was.

Bill the great is an alcoholic at a place we go to. The question is… where is he from? Riverside? Long Island City? no.. well maybe, but what about Cennunctah? South Philly? The truth is he is from everywhere, and he wears it on his houndstooth sleeve.

He carries himself with the weight of a Myers bottle of rum and has no regard for his handshake strength. He crushes peoples hands while he cries inside; he’s a lawyer. Some kind of legit real-estate lawyer. He obviously knows what he’s doing.. thats evident.. by day. By night, the clouds part, the sun recesses and things become bi-dimensional. You genuinely feel like you have something to learn from this man, but all you can render is “Wow, what a complete waste of carbon”. Let’s sample an actual conversation with the magnet.

Bill - Hurrsbs wherueue from?

Party - We’re from Buffalo, originally Buffalo.

Bill - BAFFILO. *rigorous handshake (2nd instance)* THEY GOT THE CHICKEN. I bet a buffalo would brahhhahrihiharha

Party - Really? *looks at a companion* You’re right about that, poultry is our main beef.

Bill - Beeaf? You meant like Beaf?

Party - Yeah, where exactly are you from?

Bill - RIVERRRSIDDDDDEEEEEEEE, off teh queen-e-bkln-st. I HATE A HOUSE. Sinatra, ITS NOT JUST A STREET IN EASTERN MAINE.

Party - Awwwww man, that is CUH-RAY-ZEE. I’m gonna go have a quick smoke, don’t follow me.

Bill - Crazay? I used to breed cantelopes in Jewrheuaselm for tannins.

Party - I don’t know what to think but can we have some space?

{ stage direction : bill stumbles in place like a down syndrome patient with a concussion }

Bill - WHERE AM I FROM? *attempts to handshake*

Party - *politely avoids handshake* Riverside, I think. But what are you doing here, riverside is so far away?

Bill - Sebatical. I’m a lawyer, i know people.

Party - People? I’m confused. People of the earth or otherwise?

Bill - NaAh theywer freum Stanten isllands.

Party - I don’t know if I can handle this pain

Bill - I ;M FREUSM RIVERSAIDE *crushing handshake*

Party - Yo I know. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bill - MYEArs Ruem. I’m a lauwyear frueam Seaside. Are you a n Asshoel?

{ stage: bill looks at the bartender as if she/he just traded his first born for a cornish hen }

Bill - STAY WITH YOUR FREINDS

Party - My friends pretty much stay with me. I’ve never had an instance of a friend running off, especially when i’m talking with you.

Bill - arGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ‘RE IM FROM *missed handshake*

Party - Bill i don’t know what you’re after, but i’m not sellin’ it.

{ *third eye blind comes on }

{ *bouncer rumbles over to disrupt bills’ tirade }

Party - Looks like its the end of the road for ya’ Bill…

Bill - Fieurget yousassses. DONEY U KNOEW WHwaure i’em frueam? Steamside!

Party - You have alot of knowledge, some of it is here, some of it is there, but I want it all; away from me.

Bill - *starts to cry*

{this is where shit gets for REAL}

Party - Listen man, its cool — i’m just here chatting with you, we’re talkin bullshit, but you have alot to say.

Bill - ARhghh FERIINS stifck with it or else. If yuuu — THAT AIN”T RUNM

Party - oh man, this dood is all sorts of done

Bill - Buhh..

{bouncer slowly clothlines bill, in a loving manner, and escorts him towards 14th street}

Party - What a fucking terd bergler.

So that’s how the bill saga ends.

…until we see him again for the first time, at the bar, 2 days after tomarrow.

Never, under any circumstances, say to a girl “I want to get in your pampers”.

It’s just not right.

What’s worse than garbage?

French garbage!

Trust me, i’ve been there. That place doesn’t smell all that great.

Whoops.

I’m not one to sleep around. Mostly cause no one wants to sleep with me. The other day I had an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I was at the movies with this girl and we were taking it to the next level. I didn’t have any condoms, but I did have a couple of empty Slim Jim wrappers so I threw my junk in there and slipped it in ‘er. After about 5 minutes, I came into the Slim Jim wrapper and I paid her the $10 I owed her and she was on her way. Later that night I felt a burning on my John Pipe and that’s when I realized I had the STD known as “The Snap”. Never kids, never snap into a Slim Jim with your genitals. I know she likes that beefy, juicy taste but use a Doritos bag instead.