Friend -That girl is hot man, I’d fuck her brains out.

Me -You like to assume alot of things, don’t you.

Somehow the second Basic Instinct movie came up today. It reminded me instantly of the original, which I had on tape almost immediately after it came out. I don’t remember where I got it, but I was 13 and I loved it. I specifically remember the interrogation scene where she uncrosses her legs and proceeds to show us her fish department (how can you forget, right). I remember this scene, not only from within the context of the movie, but from 4 years later when I watched my Mom throw my “blank” tape in the VCR to see if there was anything on it worth saving. As the VCR begins to play, I instantly recognize Sharon Stone’s beaver followed by a leg cross. Evidently that was where I had finished improperly touching myself. She looked at me mildly horrified and I reacted only as a young adult can when confronted with his early batin’ material by his Mother.

I laughed.

Take good care of your batin’ material kids. Someday this could happen to you.

I don’t have a bluetooth earpiece, so now I talk on the actual phone and just flip everyone off.

I would imagine they really do.

I got a veggie burger at this place today and it came with a pickle. I finished the burger and took a bite of the pickle. It tasted weird. I kept thinking, what the hell does this taste like? Oh uhm, it kinda tastes like piss. I put the pickle down and kept chewing before I realized that someone probably pissed in the pickles. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone has taken a piss in the pickles, but it’s the first time i’ve personally noticed. I spit out the Pissckle and handled as calmy as I could. I wiped my ass with a $20 bill, paid for the meal and calmly went on my way.

I ran out of names to call people, so, like I always do, I made something up.

Me - “Stop being such a spearcatcher and get me a beer.”

Friend - “I think you mean spearchucker.”

Me - “No I didn’t you fucking racist.”

Can’t we just say the ocean sounds like a seashell?

How come when you’re just finished with a blowjob and the girl is still working it, you have to tell her to stop cause it feels like you’re getting attacked by the tickle monster.

Life ain’t fair.

Today a new record was set. It was set as a human repeated a common quote/phrase.

Today a phrase was set into the record books. Today, A quote was said for the #5,000,000,000th time in recorded history. Today, let me share that quote with you. Today.

“I hate myself”

-Billy Cockdwarf
(artist, designer, stainer of wooden objects)

This is the first in a series of quotes that have broken the record barrier of spoken language. Look out for them.

Sometimes when I watch the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC), I get mad. Hitting is cool, but I think the wrestling is completely false. One male fighter gets taken down, spends an eternity on the ground; wrapped up with another man. Everyone knows all you have to do is fart or hit them in the dildy and then they let go of you. Get real.

I found the best thing ever today in the form of music. It is as follows..

ARTIST: Gangsta Fag
TITLE: America’s Worst Nightmare
LABEL: Snitch Records
GENRE: Hip-Hop
SOURCE: CD

I am not sure what exactly to hate about this the most. Let me at least list the things.

1. He is a rapper.
2. He is gay.
3. He is fat.
4. He is black.

What’s the general concensus here? Someone help me out on the right approach. I need to get this right.

Is a Blowjob the same as Blowing Jobs?

I had a Gecko once, but he ran away when I cancelled the policy.

I hope that when I get married, the priest isn’t nervous. Then again it might be hard to find someone who will do nuptuals when you’re doing it doggystyle to your about to be wife. You know how I roll.

First off, I hate fuckers who use handsfree adapters for their cellphones. It’s just really annoying to me. How do I know who you’re talking to? The funniest ones though, are the ones that are actually wired to the cellphone. Nice work on the handsfree guys. I have never, not once, seen someone use one of these fucking things without holding the microphone in their hand up to their mouth. Nothing says handsfree like using your hands. Nice job fuckers.

I saw this chick today with those pants that have a slogan across the ass. I’m not really against them because now you have an excuse to be staring at a girls ass, but today I saw something that bothered me. She had these sweatpants on that said “Pink” across the ass. Shouldn’t that be on the front? And shouldn’t “Brown” be on the back? Let’s be fair here. We know where the pink is. You’re not fooling anyone.

I went to a bar tonight. It’s right by my work so it’s in gay Manhattan aka Chelsea. It’s an Irish bar so the gay is repressed enough to make it seem straight. In the bathroom they have those ads that you look at when you’re going to take a piss and it was for some AIDS drug. I normally like my bars to not have ads for AIDS drugs, just based on principle. There was a picture of a guy standing next to a moped and it had all the warnings and dosage of the drug etc. Pretty straightforward. I then started to wonder if the guy actually knew that the stock photography he was photographed in was to be used in an advertisement for AIDS drugs. I can just imagine him walking down the street and someone recognizing him and saying, “Hey that’s the guy from the AIDS drugs ads!”. That’s gotta be embarassing for people to think you have AIDS when you really don’t. Sorry guy.

Anyways the bar has had other things go on in the bathroom, as cited here.

When I accidentally get a girl pregnant i’m probably going to freak out. I know this will probably happen at some time. It would be hard to have her have an abortion that would be my fault. I know that it’s really her choice. That’s why I have prepared myself for when she says she’s going to have my child. I will calmly tell her that I insist on naming the child. Whether it’s a boy or girl, their name will be “Jors”. Yes, that’s right. It will be pronounced “Yours”. Every time I see the child, I will say, “Hey! That’s Jors!”.

Just letting you ladies know what to expect.

Have you ever had Grandma Sickness? Whether it’s the smell of mothballs or dull accompaniment we have the solution.

Yes that’s right, Gramamine is made for before you get sick at Grandmas. Take two and call me in the morning.

This is in no way affiliated with Gram ‘a’ mine, the drug that lets you do your friends coke.

I turned on QVC last night for a quick laugh. I find the channel absolutely hilarious. Especially when they have those 120 pc knife sets that make great gifts. They are dead serious, but I have never known anyone in my life to need a knife, let alone 120 of them.

Anyways after the pitch, they go, “operators are standing by” which has to be a terrible working environment. The people answering the phones are standing and not sitting and they’re only by it, so they have to run over to get the phone when it rings.

Don’t work at QVC unless you’re going to be on the actual TV.