I can’t tell what is racist anymore but I need to ask here.

Am I racist if I hate the entire human race?

If so, call me a racist.

I do however like the following races.
Seahorses
Salamanders
Lemurs
Kitties
Fishies
Horsies

Hopefully you are one of those. If not i’m sorry.

All the kids now are collecting Wheat Pennies. I used to collect them too. I would put them up my ass and a whole loaf of bread would come out.

Looking back, maybe that wasn’t bread.

Mario teaching typing is a great game. I’ve actually never played it, I’ve only warped to the end. Pipe style.

You got all these hot ass girls singing whatever shit they sing. Most of them are super hot. Shakira is one of them. Too bad everything she sings is crap. Maybe if she sang stuff that wasn’t crap I could think of more than just the monster dumps she must take.

Her hips don’t lie.

I don’t go to raves anymore because someone once took a shit in my Snoopy Snocone maker when I was on the dancefloor. I came back to the booth and made a Plurcone for a rave pal and they got E Coli then the cops came and I went to bed at 10am the next Sunday.

I can’t do that anymore. My ears still ring.

I have AIDS.
But my AIDS has cancer.
And my cancer has low self esteem.
It will work itself out.

So there are all these drugs out there that are for penis enhancement. We all know that the male ego is fragile, especially when it comes down to whats in your pants. My penis is about 6.5” when it’s in the “on” position. It gets up to 7” if you know how to work it, but i’m a single man so we will say 6.5”. I really don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of, but for the sake of all the other men out there with an letter sized envelope package in their pants, let me know how this makes you feel.

“My penis is 165,100,000,000 picometers.”

When you switch the measurement to something smaller, the number turns out much much bigger. Using anything in metric in the US will pretty much guarantee that they won’t know what it measures anyways. Saying that your penis is a billion of anything has to make you feel a little bit better. Even if it is 3”, you still get 72,600,000,000 picometers to work with.

Next time someone asks how big your dick is, tell them in picometers with a smile.

Sometimes I hear a song and her voice is beautiful and i’m like, “Oh man this chick must be so hot”. Then I watch Entertainment Tonight and realize how wrong I really am. I can only hope to never see that chick from Evanescence.

p.s. - I regret for using the phrase “American Idol” on here but my crush but Katharine McPhee is totally legit. She needs more talent in her throat if you know what i’m saying.

p.p.s. - I wish I wanted to write more about this. Encourage me.

I am blogging right now. Blogging from an Apple. No PC in sight, straight outta New Jersey.

These faggot ass computers actually work.

I didn’t know what a real stance on a political issue was until my friend who was a political major asked me. He goes “what is your stance on abortion?”. I thought firmly and deeply and laid down on my back and threw my legs in the air.

That’s my stance on abortion.

I want a world where I can run my favorite program Penis without Microsoft asking me if I want to update my drivers.

I have a story for the ages that i’ve never written down. I guess I shouldn’t write this but whatever.

I was going to a club in the city on a Thursday. It was a long running club night at a gay bar and it was the non gay night of the week. It was still pretty gay but there were mad girls there every week. They sort of turned a blind eye on drugs too. I won’t say the name of the place but let’s call it “Mlub Carchellas”. I was early20smth years old.

Somehow we end up at my parents house with a few of my friends, psyched to go to the club. We were stoned and needed a ride, so I asked my parents and they loaned me theirs. I get the keys and we get adjusted into the car and drive out of the fortress that is the small town city I live in. There are about 7 blocks to the edge of where I live, so it’s not a big deal if the cops are normal people. As soon as I pull off my street a cop gets behind me. There are 4 people in my parents car and there is a huge bag of crystal meth in my pocket. Foreseeing all this in the rear view I decide to put all this in my sock. By the time I get back up the cops has his lights on and we all have our crystal meth in our socks. We are all baked out of our minds and I pull over. The officer comes to the window.

Officer Dumbass - Where are you going?

Me - We are going downtown to Mlub Carchellas (cop hears “gay club”).

Office Dumbass - Why?

Me - To hear some music. Can I ask what I did?

Office Dumbass - I saw you bending down, what was that?

Me - I was adjusting the lumbar (I point to the lumbar cushion on my seat because my parents need it or something. I am glad it was there because I was putting some bad ass Crystal Meth in my sock.)

Office Dumbass - Oh, can I see your license?

Me - (I reached into my wallet and hand the officer a crisp clean $5 bill because i’m fucking stoned out of my gourd and somehow it makes sense)

Office Dumbass - What is this?

Me - Oh, uhm I dunno?

Office Dumbass - Well that doesn’t look good, does it?

Me - No, actually it doesnt. (I handed him my license and he gave me back my $5 thinking it was a cheap bribe)

Officer Dumbass goes back to his car and runs my license but in the meantime i’m in my car and my friends are telling me that I am the dumbest person in the world. All I can do is tell my friends they’re right and listen to them list off the drugs they all have in their socks. I think I heard someone in the backseat say they would blow Jesus to get away this one time. Truth is I gave Office r Dumbass the $5 because it was the cost to get in the club. I have no idea why I gave it to him. I was stoned. Office Dumbass comes back for the final round..

Officer Dumbass - Ok have a good night. (He hands me my license)

Me - Thanks officer, take care.

He goes back to his car as we try to contain our excitement. He drives away as we sit in the car decompressing. I push the petal to the metal and we drive into the darkness doing rails of Crystal Meth in celebration. And that’s how I tried to bribe a cop with $5. I think I really put him in his place.

*Crystal Meth is actually bad but we we’re doing it. Stay away from it kids : /

I wasn’t a huge reader in school but I did like those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I guess it was the dynamic that kept me reading them. I had a ton of those and the Audubon nature guides. That was my library.

I’d love to grab a Choose Your Own Adventure book and read it now but there isn’t enough adult material in there. I have been thinking of creating a series of books to really suit my lifestyle in an adult manner. I think that I am going to make my own line of books called “‘Bate Your Own Adventure”. It would go a little something like this.

Pg. 22 excerpt - You are trapped in a cave, there are a bunch of Penthouse and Slots magazines. The light is dim and the mood is just right. You have one of the following options.

If you would like to ‘Bate in the cave into a jizz frenzy, turn to page 45.

If you would like to leave the cave and not look at porno magazines, close the book.

Then on page 45 it would have a place to blow your load for when you give the book to the Goodwill. Then it would say you won. If you closed the book it would have the Salvador Dali sketch titled “Hitler masturbating in the desert” to make you think about your decision.

I like it already.

Nothing like the park for tennis and hot Moms. If you’re looking to score with a hot Mom, here is what you do.

You walk up to her, and look her squarely in the face. Make sure your tennis headband is on straight so you can absorb a punch if need be. No one wants a Momcussion. Point at the child with your finger and open your mouth as to make words come out in the following fashion.

“So you like sex?”

I forgot to say, plant your feel firmly in case she is single and wants to blow you on the spot.

And that’s how you have fun at the park, along with your tennis rackets and a nice set of balls.

Instead of cops having police batons in Union Square, they now have shillelaghs. Hopefully protestors won’t be so uppity anymore.

I know that you’re old. I know that you don’t know how to use a cell phone that well. I know you don’t turn it on your cell phone most of the time. I know you only have it for emergencies. I know it’s the cheapest one they make and you have the cheapest plan. I understand all this completely. I do however have one question.

When are you going to learn your own fucking cell phone number?

For some reason, you old fucking people always say “I don’t know I don’t ever call myself”. I should hope not, that’s fucking psycho. Somehow you aren’t able to have the same capacity for your cell phone number that you have for your home phone number. They are both phones, they both have the same amount of numbers and they both are yours. Fucking get with it ok? I’m sick of giving you slack on this.

I have been going out of my way lately to use the word “Ostracized” just so I can say it incorrectly as “Ostrich Sized”. I say it vehemently so when i’m wrong, the person will have no choice but to tell me that i’m saying it wrong.

Me - I don’t know about you but I really can’t stand how the media has spun people who use Windows as being behind in technology and behind the curve. I am really sick of getting Ostrich Sized by perspective employers.

Mac User - Well, it’s true, isn’t it?

Me - Being Ostrich Sized? Yeah I get Ostrich Sized by you guys all the time!

Mac User - Uhm, are you saying Ostrich Sized?

Me - Yeah, you know when they look at you and they Ostrich Size you to make you feel smaller than you really are. It’s belittling and I just can’t take it anymore.

Mac User - Dude, it’s Ostracized, not Ostrich Sized.

Me - Are you saying that you’re better than me?

Mac User - At least I have a firm grasp on the English language.

Me - At least I have a firm grasp of the computer.

Who’s great idea was it to name a job hiring site Monster.com? I’m obviously not saying that they aren’t successful but i’m really not seeing the name reflect into a portal for hiring respectable professionals.

My boss - We’re looking to take on an additional accountant, any idea where we should look?

Me - I don’t know, maybe you can try Craig’s List.

My boss - Well, what about Monster?

Me - What about SerialRapist or MassMurderer?

My boss - Craig’s List it is.

Am I getting older or just getting worse at making excuses? It’s hard to tell.

Just to add to my NYC post, today I realized that I haven’t been taking advantage of everything the city has to offer. From now on I will be sticking myself with dirty needles that I find on the street, just to make sure i’m getting the complete “New York City Experience”. I might try to re-use a couple of the rubbers I find by the train tracks. You never know what good things that could bring you. I mean the woman, not the rubbers.