10 THIS HERE’S A STORY ‘BOUT BILLY JOE AND BOBBY SUE
20 TWO YOUNG LOVERS WITH NOTHIN’ BETTER TO DO
30 THAN SIT AROUND THE HOUSE, GET HIGH AND WATCH THE TUBE
40 AND HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY DECIDED TO CUT LOOSE
50 *ANOTHER INTERLUDE WITH MUSIC OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED*
60 THE HEADED DOWN TO OLD EL PASO
70 THAT’S WHERE THEY RAN INTO A GREAT BIG HASSLE
80 BILLY JOE SHOT A MAN WHILE ROBBING HIS CASTLE
900 BOBBY SUE TOOK THE MONEY AND RUN, OO, OO, OO
100 GO ON, TAKE THE MONEY AND
110 RUN

I can’t believe they never thought of this.

I always knew it as the 5 second rule because my families were clean. You know, the amount of time that you had to pick up something on the ground and eat it after you dropped it. I knew this kid who had a 33 second rule. Actually I think it was an any second rule. As long as it was 1 second over the amount of time it spent on the ground. God bless that kid. He died of ground AIDS.

Goddamn he was smart though.

10 GET ON BASE
20 STEAL THE BASE
30 GET TO THE NEXT BASE
40 GET TO THE NEXT BASE
50 IT’S CALLED HOME PLATE
60 RUN

You can buy your domains really cheap online from Godaddy. It’s not a secret that I go to GoThirdCousinRemoved for my domains. He’s younger, cheaper and won’t kick my ass when he gets drunk.

‘Dora the Good Woman’ is my latest cartoon. I swear I am not copying ‘Dora the Explorer’. She doesn’t talk and will only go to the grocery stores, do laundry and clean. Once you take the ‘Explorer’ part out it is totally more feasible, and watchable!

I heard it sucks and I do not want to get it.

Google Maps now has a “Street View” setting on it. It is really neat but I can’t wait to get that “Skateboard View” setting. I heard it was coming. I read it on some blog

I’m gonna thrash this city like a mother duuude.

Horoscopes are really good at making me fuck things up. I have something right in front of me and then i’m like, “Oh yeah I gotta remember to have perseverance about that unexpected opportunity around the corner since Venus is in line with my penis. I dunno, Maybe that was Uranus, but I still have to be on my toes.”

Did any of you know that in India they are scalping women for their hair to sell? Those women with the long manes. Even the horses were jealous up ’til then.

I heard this from a friend the other day and then it occured to me that the extension that was in her bag could be “Blood Hair”. As in “Blood Diamonds” but hair. Ok maybe only the bad ones get blood hair. Actually, I’m sure if do it right you don’t get any blood on it at all.

Russell Simmons you can sit down now.

Seriously this shit is pretty fucked up. Hide your Pugs from gay men.

If you missed the joke, click here.

I saw a copy of Gay Parent magazine on the street today. I was inclined to pick it up since i’m neither gay nor a parent. Maybe I could have a laugh. Just as I went to pick it up and had a flashback to my youth. Damn we sure had alot of Belts and Straight Parent magazines laying around the house.

Rage Against the Machine. They used to be my favorite band. That was 15 years ago since their first album came out and I was 14 years old. I would listen to it and just go nuts. Social injustice and teen angst were some combo. I’m 29 now. Yesterday I listened to them and all I can think about is now is what’s for dinner. I guess I really let that one slip away.

What did the Deaf Lepper say to Def Leppard? I’m your drummer.

I wonder if there are box seats in hell for personal injury lawyers that advertise. There really should be.

If Timmy has 4 buttplugs and a tub of boy butter and Tommy has 2 dildos and some mineral oil, exactly how gay are they?

For extra credit, where did their parents go wrong?

When I feel down, I have a sure fire cure. I go to the closest cemetary and lay down on top of a grave. Stare up at the sky and rip a huge fart. Then I start laughing about farting on dead people.

It really works. Try it sometime.

Do you think that Cockroach Man would be as popular as Spider Man? Probably not with superpowers like…

Able to scurry under anything at the flick of a light.
Able to survive an atomic bomb.
Able to worsen asthma symptoms.
Super creepy.

I guess i’ll stop writing that script now.

I saw this god awful anti-drug commercial the other day. It was a bunch of kids in school who put leeches on themselves cause everyone was doing it. Basically the peer pressure aspect was showing that if people thought it was cool, other people would do it. They called it “Slomming”. (Stick Leeches on me) What they did omit is that HIV can also be spread through the sharing of leeches. Which brings me to my first point.

Shouldn’t this have been a safe sex/HIV commercial? Way to go government. We all know you invented AIDS anyways.

I’m really short on money so I went Today I went on the street and tried to handle pans for money. I had a sauce pot and a frying pan and a pressure cooker. I started off in the subway station in Times Square and I handled all the pans inside out and no one gave me any money. I did get a box of Zatarain’s rice. There were some breakdancers kicking babies and they got all the money and attention. I went to Penn Station and Union Square and no one would give me money for handling pans. I touched every single part of them too. I even put the saucepot on my head and stood in the pressure cooker while I hit myself in the stomach with the frying pan. I don’t get it. Panhandling sure is hard.

One of the things you have to watch out for living in Brooklyn is getting jumped. I haven’t experienced it or seen it but I know it’s out there. I heard people on the subway talking about getting jumped the other day. The craziest shit is that the only place I see people jumping in Brooklyn is at the basketball courts. That must be where it happens. You’d think the cops would be smarter.