Airports are the best. Not the best in any scholarly type of way, but diversity wise. Flying on a plane is not restricted to just the rich, slutty or homosexual anymore. Flying is now a god-given right to all Americans. At least that’s what I’m assuming from my last airport experience.

My last airport experience was full of delays. I can’t complain about delays because my flight + delays is still about 5 times faster than any other way for me to get to where I’m going. It’s the least of all travel evils. So i’m sitting at the bar and i’m drinking a beer to pass the time (or get drunk), and someone sits next to me. Instantly a conversation starts.

Foreigner - Is that a Bud Light?

Me - No it’s a RedBull and Bacardi. Real good guess though.

Foreigner - That’s weird because it’s yellow like beer. How’s it going?

Me - I’m missing some great hockey and my flight is delayed 3 hours but other than that i’m ok. Just so you know in the future, ice in the glass usually means it’s not a beer.

Foreigner - I’m good, I had some great time off in Florida. I ate at the Outback Steakhouse a few times.

Me - Word, I was listening to music on my headphones and texting on my phone in case you didn’t notice. I’m not really in the mood to talk. I’m actually in the mood for not talking.

Foreigner - Yeah, i’m a Cardinals fan personally, i’m not one for the Mets.

Me - Oh, thanks for pointing out my hat and my choice of sports teams. I almost forgot who I liked and cheered for on a daily basis.

Foreigner - I’m a driver at UPS. I’ve been there 23 years and I have 6 weeks vacation as well as a 401k.

Me - Really? Did you already have Cerebral Palsy or did they give you that too?

Foreigner - Way before this I was a sales rep at a chalk company in Long Island.

Me - Interesting.

Foreigner - I am married with 4 kids now, 3 boys and a girl. The old wife can be a pain in the ass but it’s really everything I ever dreamed of.

Me - That’s nice. Everything I ever dreamed of is nothing i’ve experienced of because i’m not dead yet. I plan on dreaming everything I ever dreamed of as soon as i’m dead.

Foreigner - Blerrr federda bledeuysu derf fad erssa gerus.

Me - Yeah, I have my headphones on and I can’t really hear you. Nice talking to you though. Take care.

Foreigner - *Waves*

Getting older and talking to your parents candidly is awesome. Everytime I tell a story now about when I was a kid, my parents realize what kind of kid I really was. Every mystery my mom ever had has now been discovered. Why my friend puked at our all-star little league baseball game? Zima. The 6 dead birds in the backyard? BB Gun sniping from the basement. Where all the screens in our faucets went to? Marijuana. How that window really broke upstairs? Trying to shoot toothpaste out the window with a water balloon slingshot. Where did all those playboys go? Wait they already knew that.

I can’t get in trouble anymore and now it’s so much fun to tell the stories. Hopefully some day i’ll be able to tell the truth to all my ex-girlfriends but probably not. I would most likely still get murdered.

Do yourself a favor and tell your parents a story that you lied about when you were a kid. It’s really alot of fun. Just trust me.

147 Coronas, 129 Marlboro Lights, Fishing, Golf, unlimited Ocean breeze and a laptop. Just what I needed.

What I didn’t need is to see what the sun does to people who live in Florida. I know that the sun isn’t good for you, but I forgot that the sun will turn your face into a carrot colored first baseman’s mitt. I don’t think that it does anything good for your teeth either. They’re still alive so I guess that’s ok. Thank god I haven’t seen many of these people with their shirts off. That must be the thing to do if you live here. Just tan yourself until your skin turns into a cracked brittle post office style rubber band.

Florida is just what I needed. Thank god I don’t need it for any extended period of time.

I love this new social networking phenomenon. I really can’t get enough of it. I just signed up to Dickbook and I don’t have any friends besides my testicles Larry and Barry. If you want to be my friend, please message me on Dickbook. My profile name is “GinormousEnzyteLuvnLOLDongs”.

Thanks for the add Dick.

Flying Buttresses has to be the funniest architectural phrase ever. No, it is.

This is kinda self explanatory. Feel free to comment.

NYC has its ups and downs. There are great things about it, but then something can instantly negate it. Example.

I was walking down the street and in front of me are 3 very hot women with amazing asses. Tall, slender, hot asses in tight jeans. How can you fuck that up right? NYC has a way. 10 steps later I smell the most evil sewer stench to the point where if I look at their asses I just get an anti-boner thinking that it’s their asses that stink.

Yeah, NYC has its ups and downs.

I never thought I would like the show the Deadliest Catch. I turned it on once and thought to myself, this is pretty good. The next day comes and i’m like hey I wonder if there is some Deadliest Catch on. Hooked. Consider me Dead and Caught.

The show is sort of a problem though because every time I watch it I go to the fucking fish market and spend $35 on king crab legs. I spend $105 in three days watching the same damn episode. I don’t even think the season has started. I’m going to be lying dead in an alley when I can’t pay my rent next week. Thanks Deadliest Catch.

I love women. I really do. Forget the fact I ate 4 cupcakes in the shape of a cock an hour ago. I love women. I really do.

I know this isn’t Susan B. Anthony Day, but women’s suffrage has happened to an extent. We all know that you’re not treated as equally as you want. Equality isn’t nearly as equal as something like “==”, but it’s something. Women want to have real equality and you all know it.

Woman, you wanna be equal? Listen up woman.

Here’s a simple start. Make sure that the back of you is the equal to the front of you. Maybe this is a surprise but you don’t always look the same from behind as you do when you’re facing us. Long beautiful hair and a tight ass is great from behind, but horses do that too. Anyways, I like your shoes. Work that thing as hard as you can. Reality is coming for you and my snide comments don’t help a bit. My bad. The greatness wears off when you turn around and show us your pock marked ramp nose french lip turkey leather catchers mitt face. Ouch. It hurts me to say that but you know it’s true. Even Mike Tyson wouldn’t rape you.

I can’t sum this all up as well as I want to so i’m gonna leave it alone for you to scream in your bedroom by yourself. Enjoy it, but it’s your equality thats on the line.

Rosetta Stone has to be the most helpful language recognition software that is out there. After years of trying to understand my cat, I finally broke down and bought Rosetta Stone for Meows (Cat) .

After a few lessons, I started to understand what my cat was saying, vaguely. He sounded different. I wasn’t sure why until I went to “ICanHasCheeseburger.com”. The pictures of the cats had text that didn’t look translated properly. Either that or that they are horribly retarded. I went back to Rosetta Stone for Cats and noticed that it was all wrong.Take a look.

Lulz M Clean now? That doesn’t even make sense. I plugged this puppy(kitty) into Rosetta Stone and this is what came out.

Yeah. This is more like it. You knew he wasn’t mispelling lulz or m and he was still pissed about getting a bath. You know it.

Second prime example. Check it.

You think a cat has ever played Street Fighter? You better think Alley Fighter, maybe, if he’s outdoor. Cat Fighter is also an option. It’s not about where you’re from though, always remember that. This is what mr. cat was really saying

Don’t think that a cat is not on the internet however. Believe it or not, Bordom.net is what he was really saying. It’s a great website and I think you know this (Or maybe not).

But seriously, there are a few more, just to prove my point. Wait in scroll for this one. Scroll now.

I R Like Saten? I am thinking that the person who wrote this was a Satan worshipper, but the fact is, if he was a Satan worshipper, this cat would be in a picture next to this kid in a Deicide shirt on a charred makeshift crucifix behind a set of traintracks in my hometown. Everyone knows that.

Here’s what the cat really meant.

The cat meant nothing but the most sober of thoughts. Isn’t it obvious? The kitteh likes satiny things! Next time you’re gonna take this picture, make sure you get some real satin an save the actor some hardships. You know what he liked cause he asked for it. That and some bagels. Don’t ever forget.

One more example, just for good measure.

Are you serious? Do you think even cats have a translation of thirst? They say meow when they’re thirsty, yeah, but that does not mean they really mean the word thirsty. Look.

Mountain Dew is what they drink. You can probably see that on your own. It doesn’t need to translate that hard because when your cat is home alone, he turns on the tv watches it. Dew the dew dood.

I’m sorry I didn’t find this before. This isn’t just bullshit. It’s for real.

Got any real cat translations? Put your ideas in the comment section. I’m here to teach you.

Vegetable problems have problems. No doubt. I am shocked to find this, but I only did so because of the fact that I am hunting for problems with vegetables. Don’t be blindsided to think that vegetables are the answer to all world problems.

It’s not like I had to look hard. I thought to myself, what’s wrong with vegetables? They’re full of water, vitamins and fiber. What am I missing? Ohhh… Stickers! All vegetables and fruits have stickers on them. What about the stickers? What kind of problems can they cause?

So I ate 457 stickers from the vegetables at the grocery store because thats all they had. It wasn’t the best idea i’ve ever had. I got home and immediately I didn’t feel right. I went to the bathroom where I passed out on the toilet. Sixteen hours later I shit 2 full plastic logs. It looked like a Del Monte flea market.

There are problems with vegetables. Eat your meat.

Here are a few tracks i’ve been listening to lately.

Anna Nicole - Yo dat’s my baby (Larry Birkhead Remix)
Alberto Gonzales - I didn’t do nothin (Subpoena dub)
Pacman Jones - No Football (At least not this year)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Letem go (British Sailors Re-work)

Download em. They’re all really good.

Don Imus is a straight haired honkey.

Please, please suspend me for that racist comment because we’re all turning into total pussies. Oh and by the way I hate those spic salmon nigger lawyer danish jew faggot chilean doctor labrador cracker barrel lesbian dildo rocket scientist over-the-top salt enthusiasts. Seriously.

I don’t know about you guys, but there is nothing I look forward to more than “Shark Week”. Nevermind, I take that back. I get really excited about “Giraffe Week”.

I don’t know about you guys, but there is nothing I look forward to more than “Giraffe Week”. Nevermind, I take that back. I get really excited about “Giraffe Month”.

If I ever die, I want to make sure that I have a last wish. I have to think my last wish would be this. I would write something in an envelope, seal it and write the instructions on the front. The front would say.

“Please read the contents of this letter at my funeral. Please have someone who I have never met read this at the funeral to save the emotions of the ones I care about most.”

Then I would die and at the funeral, someone I never met is reading my last wish. He would get up to the mic and read the following.

“I’m a fucking douchebag and my Mom fucks goats for a living.”

Boy, I sure hope that guy has a sense of humor. That’s only if I die though.

I was watching the Discovery Channel series “Planet Earth”. It’s incredible. The desert episode starts out with the Gobi Desert that is frozen most of the year. I thought nice and hard about it and how bad a “Frozen Desert” must be to live in. Then I added an s to desert and thought about how delicious Snickers Ice Cream bars are. I’m still undecided on the phrase. I’ll let you know.

I didn’t really have to think this one out at all, but it was one of the best April Fools things i’ve ever done. I walked down the hall and took the Eviction posession notice that read “Property of Landlord - US Marshall” off my neighbors door and put it on the same apartment exactly 1 floor down. I don’t know what happened but they must have shit their pants thinking that they got evicted for no reason at all. April fools.