I’m gonna go have forced sex with this Rapefruit. I mean Grapefruit. Oops.

Well, spring is actually here. I know I forgot to actually bring it up. Sorry about that. With the coming of spring you know that the the newest can’t-live-without-hipster-fashion-douchebag accessory is right around the corner. Last year it was Vans slip on shoes and the year before that it was Aviator sunglasses. This year I am going to try to predict the fad before it happens. Here are my picks.

Slap Bracelets
Old Spice
Yellow Eyeshadow
Bowling Trophies
Being Gay
Anything Copper

Anyone have any can’t-live-without-hipster-fashion-douchebag accessory picks for this Summer? Put them in the comment section!

Lately i’ve been getting great comment spam. I gotta say that this one wins.

Name: rape | IP: 201.26.1.155

Pros and cons of rape.

This really makes my day to think that some fuck made a spambot that makes comments in my blog about the “Pros and cons of rape.” Not only is this really special, there is no website to backlink. Another great part about the comment spam, is that it talks about the “Pros” of rape. Last I checked, there were no “Pros” of rape. However, after further analysis, they may be referrring to the Professionals and Convivcts of rape instead of actual “Pros and cons”. This seems more logical, however we will never know.

Music is so hip I started managing acts. I think I have the newest Rap act this side of the street.

INTRODUCING THE RAP SCALLIONS!!!

They are the new Beatles I swear. Vegetables are the new insects.

Fight Club is one my my favorite movies. I remember first seeing it when it just came out on DVD. New release style. It wasn’t a hard thing to do. The hardest part was walking into Blockbuster. I find the movie immediately in the way only the way a Blockbuster New Release rack can do. 6 copies stacked on each other. I walk towards the counter and pick up some licorice gummy sweettart non-pereil snickers sour patch kids on the way. I hand the video concierge my Blockbuster card which hadn’t been used in at least 3 years. I look out the window as I pretend I don’t know anything about the card being invalid because the account is at least $80 in the hole. I’m good. She gives me the video and I leave with the boner she gave me. (For some reason Blockbuster girls are hot)

I get home. From the beginning of the movie I was hooked into subversiveness. It slowly became clear to me what I needed to do. Screw any company I can. Immediately.

I traded my Blockbuster membership for Fight Club. Fair trade. I encourage all you to do the same.

Eharmony totally sucks at business. They’re missing all the other letters in the alphabet. Way to get that market share. I mean, Google must already have GHarmony, so everything other than that.

National Geographic in HD aka NGCHD. I have been getting into it. Quite a bit. It’s 3:28 and it’s on now. I didn’t mean to promote the channel. I’m sorry.

Watch out for the commercials on National Geographic in HD aka NGCHD late at night. They target the sleep aid demographic with sleep aid drug commercials. I am freaking out because they just had an advertisement for Reuseable Heroin Mouthpiece Enema Syringes. Call your doctor, but not for this. It has disaster written all over it.

For the investor that is looking for an opportunity, please contact us for investor information. We are fully patended, trademarked and licensed brokers for this sorta product. Kinda.

I got a double pack of French Bread Pizza the other day. I haven’t had it in a while so I figured why the good reason (taste) not. I opened the package up and looked everywhere but my mind. Hoping just hoping that the foil coffin of microwave French Bread Pizza was somewhere around the same area. Turns out it wasn’t there and there are no microwave only instructions/foil coffins for French Bread Pizza anymore. Whattt?

It took about 2 seconds of thinking. Just enough time for me to think about my tongue. The worst burn I have ever had in the oral area came from a French Bread Pizza.

French Bread Pizza Burn Phenomenon

I remember it like it was yesterday. I burned my tongue really bad and it hurt. Badly. Badly as in 2nd degree burns. The cheese is as hot as napalm and the sauce is like hot sauce only not. The worst part is thinking of all the people it must have killed.

Never forget Microwave only French Bread Pizza because it should have been illegal in the first place. Silver coffins for life dogg.

The burn can’t be just me. I encourage you to think back to a moment where you have been orally burned. If you have a favorite, post it in the comment section. I am anxious to see this scientific experiment to get under way.

Have you been dissappointed with the comfort of your underwear? I’m not going to say that I have, but my brother down south could always use some more comfort. Long scraggly hair, real tall, huge balls and connected to myself. Trust me I trust him.

Not to change the subject but I am trying to sell something here. Haven’t we all asked for more real comfort down there no matter what sex we are? Be real. That old flapper could use some more comfort too.

That’s why I invented the World’s Most Comfortable Underwear for Everyone!

(Rough sketch)

As you may have guessed, the worlds first underwear with a giant vagina on it has now arrived. We don’t have pictures of the women’s model yet, but we do know it is the same as the one shown above with absolutely zero penis and another vagina. Taking pre-orders now.

There is no need to ask why it is more comfortable than your current pair. Put it on. Feel the rush of the World’s Most Comfortable Underwear for Everyone. I know I am right now.

I’m gonna share a story to let you know what kind of person (kid) I was. I think it was 6th grade and I was at my house unsupervised for the first summer ever. It was bliss. Video games, sports, bb guns and no parents.

It was a balmy wednesday and we were watching MTV (when it was good). We noticed 2 men in suits walking on the sidewalk and them turning onto my driveway. They rang the doorbell and probably saw us if not just heard the tv and us. We answer “Nobody’s home” and hope that they leave. Instead they ask to “Just talk” and insist that they can help us. They will not leave. This continues about 4 times before I suggest that we spray them with my Super Soaker 200 from the top window. For those of you not familiar with this aqua weapon, this has 2 bottles on top for water and one bottle in the back for air. It was the AK-47 of waterguns. Here.

So we decided to take it upstairs but the gun is empty. Since there were 2 bottles I gave one to my friend and he took it into the bathroom while I took mine to the kitchen. I thought to myself, “These guys are real assholes praying on unsupervised kids, I should put some bleach in there”. So I put about a quarter cup of bleach in there and filled the rest up with hot water. My friend comes back and he hands me his bottle. It’s warm and smells like piss. I don’t question it. We go to the second floor which is about 10 feet up but almost on top of the front door. I rip open the window and turn up the sash, my Super Soaker swelling with a great big mass of piss and bleach. I take aim and unload on them like my grandfather taught me to do with nazis and asians. It hits both of their lapels almost simultaneously as intended by my choice of nozzle action. Total moneyshot. They walk away distinctively with the pride only a jesus freak could have.

At this point i’m laughing my ass off in my parents room with a squirtgun filled with bleach and piss. I say to my friend, “Hey did you piss in that”? He tells me that he filled it up to about half. I then tell him I put bleach in mine. Evidently bleach is alot less cool than piss because he started to get mad. Since we were kids, he goes right back to an approving look. We high 5 each other and go back to watching TV. Eyes tearing from laughter I wash out my Super Soaker 200 for the day and wait for Mom to come home. I think that’s when I first fell in love with Summer.

I was watching the weather channel and “Rock me like a Hurricane” has now been downgraded to “Rock me like a Tropical Storm”.

That’s good news. That song was dangerous.

Why don’t we make the Ocean a Wireless Hotspot? I am going to be going to Florida soon and I can’t be fishing on a sandbar without being able to blog.

Here it is folks. March Madness in the form of the NAACP Final Four. Below is the downloadable PDF (Click the image)

JPG Alternative here

In the comment section, make your speculation of the tournament and especially who you think will win. Don’t forget to put your email address because I will be giving a prize to the winner. YOU MUST PICK ONLY ONE WINNER. That doesn’t mean you cant pick favorites as well.

May the best win.

I cracked a version of MS Works 2001 today and I impressed my damn self. I needed to make a spreadsheet of how many times I went to the store and didn’t buy something made by Amy’s Organic Kitchen. I downloaded the software and then it asked me for a Serial. I went to the Cheerios website and they didn’t have one for MS Works 2001. It was dissappointing. I knew at that moment that I had to go to the Cookie Crisp website cause they were the renegade Serial company. As far as I know they stole the chips from the bank that had chocolate chips as currency. I went to their website and they had it. I booted up the Cookie Crisp Serial Code Generator and it worked. The Microsoft Prompt tells me to enter it, so I typed in “Wheat, Sugar, Cookies and Chips”. It unlocked and my productivity has since skyrocketed.

Today I was walking down Lexington and there were tanks of liquid Nitrogen on the sidewalk. I stopped at the corner and touched some of the frost on the outside from the condensation/sublimation of the Nitrogen coming out. I was just kinda flicking it off, killing time for the light to change. I caught the attention of 3 large women. They didn’t notice the tanks until I started playing with them. One woman decided it was time to talk about the subject. Here’s how it went down.

“Ooohhh look they got them tanks of them liquid Nitrogens on the street. That’s dangerous isn’t it? Next thing you know we go off an bomb another country cause the damn USA is all fucked up in the head like that. How can that not be terrorism? ”

I gotta tell you, this was the most fucked up twisted conversation bit i’ve ever heard in New York City. Not only did they jump from random thought to random thought, the two women with her agreed and said “mhmmm” while she was saying it. I stared back and gave her a the best slanted eyebrow I could. It didn’t phase her.

For the trivia of the post, please put whatever race you think these women were in the comment section. The winner gets something awesome.

Daylight Savings Time made me lose track of when I know what time it is. That’s because it changes. Today I experienced a mindblowing DST realization, again.

Fuck its 7:07!
God damn it, it’s 9:43!
God damn it, this is a calculator.
The time is 55378008.

If you don’t get the joke, blow me.

The only thing I learned at church was how to sleep with my eyes open and my head in a normal position. Please don’t tell my Dad.

You know these stupid fucks that wear those fur hats with the sides that fold up and shit? I hate the hats and I hate the people that wear them. There’s this guy in front of me on the train and he’s got one the size of a motherfucking basketball. I’m going to punch him in the face now. BBL.

I saw this picture today with a guy who had his balls in his ass. He was bent over and he took his scrot and balls and just popped them in his ass and kept them there. With his 2 eggs in there, it was kind of like some sort of perverted incubator. (I think the image was called “Sackhole”. I would have named it “NutButt”, but that’s just me.) There is nothing in this world to make you think that this is acceptable behavior for an Adult Male. This is where my theory comes in.

Balls in Ass Theory by bvllets

If you put your balls in your ass, you are fucked up somewhere.

If anyone does this or can explain to me how this is acceptable behavior, please comment. I’m intrigued.