I swear to god I just saw Condoleeza Rice at McDonalds. She was taking bites that made the cheeseburger look like an asscrack. She would bite into it and the gap in her teeth put a perfect line of cheeseburger down the middle. I bet eating chicken wings is easy for her. It sure looks like it worked for Michael Strahan. I should look into getting that done. I wonder who they went to for that.

Who am I kidding. It’s probably too expensive to go back in time and have fucked up teeth.

Ok then.

W.A.S.P. is musically the equal of George Thorogood and Jesus Christ having a child.

A really great concept.

Today on Spike TV, they had blindfold kickboxing. It is very clever, I must admit that. The only problem is with the cheaters. You can tell when the guys walk around with their face pointed to the sky to try to look out of the bottom of the blindfold. I keep it real like I always do, I thought outside the circle and found a silly amateur mistake. I call ‘em how I see em.

When doing a fighting event with people who aren’t supposed to see, please have the people who cannot see fight. No one likes a cheater and everyone likes seeing blind people get hurt. They never see it coming, because they can’t.

It’s that easy. Great Job.

One problem at a time folks. You heard it now.

America is sitting back waiting for the next Black Plague. People just sit there and watch while George W. Bush knits afghans over Baghdad. Fortunately this isn’t the real problem. It’s the new Black Plague that’s the problem. The new Black Plague is that I cannot download a piece of cheese to my mouth from the internet. Hello Verizon. Can you download me now?

In the laboratories of the worlds largest companies lies this solution although they will never admit it. It’s too radically cheesy. I plan to use MySpace to expose this new Black Plague. And get some orally downloaded cheese; maybe even Gouda.

Don’t sit back, fight it now, while you still can. Being proactive is the only way out. Join my MySpace fight at

Physically impossible ideas that I dream about that are guaranteed to not exist because they’re impossible is not the problem. You’re the problem. Maybe a problem and a half.

I think this says it all.

This can’t be just me. Ever watch a YouTube video that is funny or even not funny for 4 seconds and you decide, hey I should give this some time, something might happen. Then, nothing happens. The microsecond that you decide to leave, you log the time of the video and demand to nobody that you want that viewing time back. You realize you have had enough of YouTube and swear it off forever. Then someone sends you some douchebag video and it starts all over again.

If anyone is with me. I am starting a YouTube Douchebag Petition Guild. This will be a formal organization to remove all douchebag producers from YouTube. If you’re in with me, leave a comment. You CAN be involved. Also, if you have specific YouTube examples, please, put them in the comment section.

Power to the people has its flaws, especially when the people are douchebags.

That’s right; Lonelygirl14, Reh Dogg, OldFart2110, AssRaper69. You hear me loud and douche.

They always say that Dogs look like their owners. I have found other things to be true.

Dogs shit like their owners - This is true but it doesnt translate exactly to both parties shitting. The face when the dog shits is like the owners face when they talk. This is sorta rare but really easy to spot.

Dogs are fags like their owners - If the owner of the dog is holding their dogs leash like they would a dirty diaper, you know whats going on. Take another look at the dog. I will bet you it weighs under 5 pounds. (This does not apply to women)

Dogs smell like their owners - This is for the simple fact that when you touch a dog, you smell like a dog. Have you ever whiffed a dog that smells nice? Me too, but she was wasted and I wasn’t interested in seeing her the next day.

Dogs are rude like their owners - Hey there doggie, jump all over me. Don’t even bother asking. Don’t worry about it, your owners are fucksticks, just like you. You can’t help it.

Dogs hate cats like their owners - Seriously. Get a life guys. Hate squirrels or something. You know you want to.

Sorry. I love dogs, and their owners. I can’t not hate something. Non’t you call me a hater.

Thanks to hool for the photograph even though I didn’t ask. Thanks hool.

Hennessy, It’s hip-hop without the bullshit. It’ll get ya drunk tho.

Today while waiting at the 14th Street Station at 14th and 8th, someone asked me for directions to Christopher Street. The correct thing to say was, take this train one stop to West 4th and walk a few blocks North. Instead I turned to him and in my best Russian accent said “I dueana speick aenglesh”. He bought it and kept walking. I pretty much did it subconciously too.

I am going to do this from now on. I will keep you all updated.

Is it me or do these not exist in Brooklyn?

My farts smell like dead animals. This is supposed to happen to other people.

I hate you Jesus.

I got this friend, and he’s gay. I like him cause he gambles. Not like like, but you know what I mean. He’s got good stories most of the time cause he’s not that whimsical swishy fag type. Our dialog was as follows.

Me : So how was Atlantic City?

Gay : It was ok, I think when I averaged it out, it was like $18 a beer.

Me : With or without HIV?

Gay : Either way I lost money.

Me : Do you play Poker?

Gay : No that’s not really my game.

Me : Oh, I understand. You any good at Pokehim?

Gay : Yeah, I get ass all the time.

The term Black Ice is racist as fuck. From now on you should all say “Ice you can’t see but it’s really there.”. Either that or “Watermelon Ice”.

If you have a good substitute term/phrase for Black Ice, please put it in the comments section.

Today my cat told me,
That he likes Terra Blue Chips,
By eating the whole bag off the table when I was in the bathroom.