Everyone’s like hey I got Xbox 900 and Slaystation 8 lets play some games that look like my nightmares only more real. F that. Every time someone brings up home video games I think of my old Atari, C64 and original Nintendo. Yars Revenge, Combat, Indiana Jones, Beach Head, Summer Games, Tecmo Bowl, Kung Fu, Dusty Diamond’s All-Star Softball, The Legend of Kage, Master Chu and the Drunken Hu… The Classics. Sierra Network’s Kings Quest (Thanks Peasants Quest), Commander Keen or Wolfenstein 3D from the Tandy 3000 don’t even make me that randy. I realize i’m so old school that i’m just an old fuck who hates new games (or learning them, you make the call). I don’t have the slightest interest to play these new games let alone care about them for the simple fact that they don’t engage the core values of 8 bit graphics. You know, the graphics that will put hair on your chest. Parental subversiveness in the form of the breadcrust or whatever you didn’t want to eat as a child.
I am going to name the core values that are missing from today’s games to make everyone realize that i’m not old, the games are just too fucking stupid.
#1. Games with Sharks don’t exist, but Sharks still do - Jaws for Nintendo was a great game simply for the fact that you got to hunt down the robotic Shark that scared the living fuck out of you and prevented you from having fun in the water on any of your childhood vacations. There is nothing like picking up conch shells and shooting harpoons at Jaws when you lose power of the boat and can’t drop bombs on his ass. Serves him right for making you soak up more of the beach than the surf in Bermuda. Pure 8 bit revenge.
#2 All war games are looking down the barrel of a gun - Not every game was about lining up a Nazi or a Charlie with some analog dildo controller. You sick fucks. Let’s not forget the days when war was about trajectory and saving stick figures from collapsing under fire from some undetermined enemy. Or what about protecting your armored turret gun with people running at it unarmed. Sorry, they still had arms but no weapons. You kids don’t know a real digital threat when you see one. Well, other than your parents finding your myspace. Pussies.
#3 No one knows who the Amazon or Starman are - The Amazon and Starman would wipe out the WWF, yes the World Wildlife Federation and whatever (REAL) pussy wrestling organizations are out there today. WWF Backyard Jam and ECW Crossword Puzzle Mayhem don’t mean shit to me. Come on, get a little more cerebral, like they did with Nintendo Wrestling. If you’re digitally challenged, try out some of those old Malibu Barbie Colorforms. You can find them at your local Goodwill. They’re pretty sweet and will get the same point across. P.S. The Amazon v. Starman will literally break a Nintendo.
#4 You can’t die of dysentary without hacking the game or eating Taco Bell - I mean this one. Videogames need this reality. Now of days you can’t ride down a text-based Oregon Trail let alone die of dysentary. That is bunk. I know that there’s that Worlds of Winecraft or whatever where you can die from an overdose of Tannins. Who dies that way anymore? No one has the time or proper binary vineyard to do that. Wack. You wanna go for an adventure, play a game where you can type “Shoot da Ox” or “Take a Shit” to get something done. Not like the kind where you type “Rachel Ray” or “Watch Dr. Phil” kinda RPG’s that they got goin on today. Oregon Trail
#5 No stick? No joy. - This is self explanatory. Oh you got 17 buttons on there and it’s wireless? Where’s the damn stick? I’ve never heard of a Joy Analog. Actually I have (Adam and Eve). There’s nothing like cranking on an 8 direction stick of joy with a single button. Besides, the single button is better than all 17. You know why? The button does something. Just like all 17 of yours do.
Eat it bitches. Learn what a video game is.
