I just had a real Funny Moment. My Mom doesn’t have a blog and doesn’t know what a blog is. Shes on MySpace but i’m not her friend. She can’t figure out how to spell my name. That’s right kids, i’m on Myspace now. It’s http://www.myspace.com/noi’mnot

It takes alot to say this but I have to give props to my Mom for my first post. She was the one who got me on the train of Curel pour Masterbation. Not pour, but the French one. Yes, it means for. The point is that I owe her for my choice of Masturbation lubricants. Thanks Mom, Dad used Motor Oil. That would be weird.

There is nothing better than eating at a 16” square table with a complete stranger at a Subway. Not only can you actually hear the other person chew, but you can actually smell their breath. Tres fantastique.

My friend sent me this mp3 of a voice mail from about 5 years ago. I guess I smoked weed alot.

Mary Jane

Eviction Court is sweet. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Basically what happens is you get called to go into this place called court. Well, if you didn’t know, court is a sweet place. They have tennis courts, a pool, gold foyers, humanity and not humanity.

I went there today. I thought it was going to take a while but it took about 14.5 seconds. It actually took me longer to absorb all the help material there, which I think was a scam. It was so fast that if I wasn’t smart I wouldn’t have even gone. Which i’m sure that showing up was a better idea. Wait I can’t even write this anymore.

Pay your rent kids.

I was going thru some Nipsey Russell information on the internet. God bless the information age. I was intrigued because I saw him on The Match Game on the Game Show Network. I dunno. I like the show because it’s fun to try and guess how many drinks they all had in the dressing room. Gotta thank my Stepdad for showing me what’s up.

It didn’t come to me at first but it made me remember that I wanted to name things every so often when I think of what i’d do with a Time Machine if I had one. There will be more to follow and maybe even become its own category. I’m going to try to keep all these posts to one thing so let’s have at it.

If I had a time machine, I would immediately go and see Nipsey Russell’s Kwanzaa Explosion. I don’t know anything about Kwanzaa and I love Nipsey Russell so why the hell not. Seems veritable enough by the excerpt.

“Ground Zero presents the 4th annual performance of Nipsey Russell’s Kwanzaa Explosion. It’s Christmas morning in the Ground Zero house. The pajama-clad troupe rises early to open presents and share in flashback memories that reveal sketches of Christmas shows past, present, and future. Think of it as the Zoom kids meet Dickens on an acid-laced Andy Williams Christmas special.”

Sold. I’m going. Wait, there’s something else. What’s that?

“There is a 2-drink minimum at each performance.”

I’ll take 2 tickets then.

Nipsey, if you’re reading this, please bring it back this year because I don’t really have a time machine.

I love the fact that technology is rising with our needs as we need it. Especially our needs to monitor stuff that we need to.You know you can trust it. Technology doesn’t lie or get drunk so it’s more reliable than my own data. I can’t wait to have a reader to let me know how many times I swear a day. Or fart. Or shit. Or shit and fart.

Technology rules. Embrace it.

Every so often I use some domain tools which offer their crap and whatnot. Today I found this awesome one.

Domains for Sale
Domain Price
BioPlagaRisM.com $750.00

$750 would probably be an ok price IF THEY FUCKING SPELLED PLAGIARISM RIGHT.

That’s right folks. You can do anything if you put your wallet into it.

This is what George W. Bush said some time ago which I can’t remember. He flew from a spaceship onto a battleship and with his flambuoyant yellow vest (Think about flambuoyant for a second then proceed.) he said “MISHEN ACOMPLISHDT”.

This has drawn alot of contraversy from major news sources. All criticism needs to end. I know what he said and if none of you are intelligent enough to figure it out, he said it in Farsi.

MISHEN = I like
ACOMPLISHDT = Donuts alot

That’s right, all he said was “I like donuts alot.” How can you prove that wrong. You can’t. He just Ich’s bin’s ein Berlinner’s.

If you’re courteous enough to run an Air Conditioner in a 55 degree night in the fall, please make sure it doesnt smell like a 28 day old rotten turkey carcass with dog shit on it. Thanks.

The United States Association of America.

That’d be funny if it existed.

Heres something that no one really ever knows about sex. Their thrust count. Most people know how long they have sex, but not how many times you thrusted. That’s the focus of this post. If I was to guess, and this is up for interpretation, would be somewhere between 15 and 20 million. Ok thats a boldface lie. Something like 300 and 400. That’s really a guess.

Now for the fun part. Go out and buy a pedometer. You know, the things that keep count of your strides when you walk. Usually you’re supposed to keep this on your body somewhere for it to really work, but I guess you can probably put it under your mattress (You sly dog). Just so long as it gets some movement. Now go have sex with someone. Record your findings. Then put them in the comment section.

This is a legitimate ongoing social social experiment and I do not want tainted data. There are a few rules.

1. Don’t fucking lie.

2. If you have done Cocaine, please specify that cause that’s not your real score. That’s your High Score. Alcohol is fine and completely expected.

3. If this is Hate Sex, please let us know. We will half the data.

4. If you’re gay please keep it to yourself. I know, I know. I said taint before. Hilarious.

Happy Thrusting!

So there was a shooting yesterday at an Amish School where he systematically shot all the girls in class. This is whats known as “The Long Tail” of School Shootings.

I don’t condone this. That guy was sick. Just observing.

Seems that Derek Jeter has contracted some sort of STD that is yet to be identified. He is out for at least 3-4 Weeks. This means that Alex Rodriguez, Bobby Abreu and Robinson Cano will be out with him as well. What a tragedy.

America’s best Country Music compilation “Three Crosses” now has slashed prices that you can only get on the TV. Made for TV offers they call them. That’s right it’s $9.99 on TV instead of $17.99. Glad I didn’t buy it in the store. I didn’t see any Crosses in there anyways.

The History Channel is good for all sorts of things.

Turns out that early on in the Sears catalog there used to be hypodermic needles for sale. What a great idea. The largest mail order catalog at that time gives every bumfuck farmer and crumbbum access to needles. They prolly took 40-46 Weeks to get though. I mean, judging by the times I get shit from companies today.

So that’s the formula for freedom.