There is almost nothing funnier than watching a 3 legged male dog try to balance on 2 legs to piss on something. Try and see it sometime.

I seriously fucking thought that Santana’s “Oye come ova” meant “Oh yea come over”. I still don’t know what it means, but I’m definately done singing in Spanish.

The new Killers album is great. My favorite two singles are as follows. “Hey let’s suck” and “Turn this shit off”.

No really, the album is great.

So today on my trek to work, something awesome happened. I got off the train and proceeded to walk through the rotary turnstyle. You know the ones with all the horizontal bars thats like a revolving door. Well I push on the thing pretty hard and I hear a loud thud. I look down and I cranked this homeless guy in the face with one of the bars. Like right below his eye. He was sleeping with his head on a empty box of PBR’s. I started laughing my ass off and that got him mad. It was ok though because homeless people really aren’t good at moving fast. C-ya Fuckface!

Get me on.
Get me there.
Get me off.
Get me off again.

Seriously, my ads rule. They’re revolving and I dont have much control over them, but I still love them. I saw one the other day that was like..

HEY LOOKING FOR A BI-CURIOUS JEWISH ANDROID CAMEL JOCKEY? LOOK NO FURTHER! CLICK HERE!

Then I pretty much laughed and looked at the next one.

DON’T THINK FOR YOURSELF. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO 50 CENTS!

Seriously, click on my ads. I could use it, but only if you’re really into them.

I have proved today that TV is real. There is no diffence. How do I know? The actual food at KFC makes me want to shit my pants as much as the food pictured in the commercials do. Chew on that for an hour.

Since i’ve been so broke lately, I haven’t had much to do. That’s why I came up with the new game called Pancreas Hammer. Basically, it’s like this. You and a friend get a bunch of sugared candy, a syringe, some insulin and a hammer. The candy should be something with a hell of alot of glucose in it. I personally prefer Swedish Fish or Sour Patch kids. You both eat approximately 12 ozs. of the candy and then you face each other. With the flat end of the hammer, you hit your friend in the Pancreas as hard as you can. If you feel fine, do the same to them. You basically repeat until someones Pancreas fails and they need insulin. First person who needs insulin loses. Try it out.

If you live in New York City or go there occasionally, i’m sure you’ve had a New York Style slice of cheese pizza. Since these are a little more minimal on the flavor than most other cities pizzas, they give out extra condiments to put on the cheese slice to make it more satiating. There are 6 common condiments.

Parmesan Cheese - A must.
Crushed Red Peppers - A little goes a long way. Especially when it comes out your ass.
Italian Seasoning - Not a whole lot of flavor. I do it for the look really.
Garlic Powder - Load it on. Just load it on.
Black Pepper - I have no idea.
Salt - Some sick fuck decided pizza wasn’t salty enough.

The condiments are placed by the napkins and straws n shit. Pretty much where you’d find ketchup at a french fry saloon. What really has been getting to me lately are the people who order a slice or two, then take the condiments to their table like they own them. It’s complete and utter disregard for the system of putting on a fucking topping and leaving it for someone else to use. Why the fuck do you think you own the damn condiments? Put it on, leave it there. It’s totally fucking simple.

If you do this and someone walks up and grabs the garlic powder and says “Excuse me, do you own this?”, rest assured it’s me.

So today i’m listening to the radio at work. Really enjoying it and not knowing why. There aren’t any commercials. Oh it’s because of 9-11 so they’re not going to play commercials on the radio. I get it. Completely.

And this is how we celebrate 9-11 in New York City, 5 years later.

I heard arsenic is the new myspace.