Hey guys and girls. I know you’re all just as bored as I am. Somehow I just found my way to MeatScience.org, the international foundation dedicated to the Science of Meat. Not only is this awesome, but they have a section dedicated to Intercollegiate Meat Judging. Please please please fill out the form to enter your Meat judging team. The form is located here.

I’m so glad that Spike Lee is doing the documentary of New Orleans During Hurricane Katrina.

I’ll bet it won’t be biased. I’ll bet -$500.

That means you pay me $1000 when it’s biased. Come on, 2-1 odds is fair.

I would like to write some letters to address our neighbors all around the compass.

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,
What are you fucking all wearing leg casts? Who the hell doesnt bend their knees that much. It sounds like you’re fucking blacksmithing up there. This is not a racial remark. If it sounded like it, I apologize. But Seriously, bend your fucking knees when you walk.

Dear Neighbors of the East,
You really freaked me out when you tried to sell me your girlfriends old Gucci purse. It would have been alot easier for me to not dislike you if you didn’t parade around the town trying to pawn her purse, then try to dump it off at my house so I could “hold” it because she got home and you didn’t want to get busted selling her purse. Glad I made you go home. Sorry about that. Not really. At all.

Dear Neighbors of the West,
I really actually enjoy hearing the phrase “Fuck You”. Alot more than your average person, thats for sure. The problem, is that you say it every 4 seconds on Saturday mornings while wrestling each other into your appliances. I don’t care if that’s how you roll, I care. It’s not that I care, it’s that I really care. I know I can’t kick your ass, so I hope you both get other peoples mail.

Dear Neighbors of the South,
Suck it up, go fuck yourself and write a note like I did.

If Mr. Clean was real, would he want to

A. Clean.
B. Get high on his own product.
C. Work out a little more.
D. Have unprotected Anal Sex with multiple male partners.
E. All of the above.

The answer is obviously E.

I’ve come to the conclusion as to why there are only about 6 slots full of natural deodorant in the deodorant section at drug stores. You know what I mean, like Tom’s of Maine shit. Well, the reason why that is, it because it doesn’t work. It actually makes you smell worse. I’ve analyzed the components and broken it down for you as to why it doesn’t work.

Ingredients
Honeysuckle Rose - Great name, doesn’t deodorize.
Coriander Oil - Great in Belgian beers, doesn’t deodorize.
Lichen Extract - Grows on logs, doesn’t deodorize.
Calendula - This is actually a Marigold, and doesn’t deodorize.
Sage Extract - Has the active ingredient of Absinthe in it (thujone), doesn’t deodorize.
Lemongrass Oil - Great in Vietnamese food, doesn’t deodorize.

There you have it. I’m done with Science for the day.

Sometimes this place just simply amazes me. I was in S.S Pizzaria on Fulton St. today and saw a flyer for a local fair. It read.

“Come on down for some fun at the Fulton Center Plaza. There will be clowns, rides, games, raffles, prizes, music, food, hiv testing.”

I’m not even lying. How awesome is that. And in addition, below it, it said.

“Fun for the whole family.”

Not only is it fun, you can scare yourself shitless getting tested for hiv. So much fun.

I in no way want to be associated with this. At all. We can’t co-exist. Even virtually.

Myspace greatness.

One thing is great though, and that’s the song. Ain’t no doubt.

So they have this new show on TV called “Family Jewels” starring none other than Gene Simmons. Also joining the cast is the forever softcore, Shannon Tweed. Now I know it’s a “reality” show, but since Gene Simmons is in it, does that make it a “Sad Reality” show? Or maybe just a “Complete Loss of Reality Show”. Good luck with all this Gene. I’m sure you’ll have at least one woman viewer, who at a certain point will just decide to Valerie Solanas you.

Also see his classic radio interview transcript here.

Are croutons fresh or stale? I can’t tell.

When life gives you stale bread, have some fresh croutons instead.

So everyone remembers the person you can’t forget, Chris Farley. I know he was overweight and supposedly on some sort of Coke (drugs), but maybe there was an underlying issue that brought him down. Today I was watching Beverly Hills Ninja and I think that this may be the reason why he died. Not because it was his most active role ever, but that it sucked so bad he just decided to die. It’s really up in the air but there was definately an imaginary second shooter on a grassy knole.

What in the hell is this crap. A button that “closes” the door yet doesn’t really close the door or make it close any faster. Awesome. That’s what it is. Super awesome.

I was thinking that we should incorporate the idea more ambiguously. Instead of having a “Door Close” button, we should have a button that says “Nothing”. This way you press it and nothing happens. It’s the same principles as “Door Close” but more truthful.

I’m not one to settle for minor changes so we should also have a few other buttons.

First on the list is the “Princess Bride” button. It’s not really that awesome but if you want to watch a movie just to see Andre the Giant, it’s wonderful.

Besides that button is something more awesome. It’s called the “Karate Kid” button. Not only is this super gay, it’s super gay. Ralph Macchio is the biggest doucheblog ever. By doucheblogs I mean people who are douchebags and blog. Kinda like me.

I just looked him up on imdb and this is what it said. What the fackeng hell.

“Handsomely featured, Italian-American actor with boyish looks that initially… (show more)”

Show more? There’s nothing to show. He has boyish looks like my ass has black walnuts. Not alot, if any. I’m so glad I looked it up because he was also in (Please finish your drink or food, as not to choke) “Chicken Soup for the Soul”. Chicken soup is not only not good for the soul, it’s good for not being good about goodness of being not good. Spiritually.

In short, Ralph Macchio has the same pull as a button on an elevator that says “Door Close”.

Ever try to explain a song to someone by singing the sounds or lyrics to someone? Yea, I like electronic music and sometimes it straight up makes me sound retarted when I try to explain a song to someone. For instance.

The Six Flags song - Doot doot doot doot doot douut douut doot doot doot doot douut douut doot dit dit dit doot diit diit doot dit dit dit doot diit diit. And repeat.

Yea. This works really well typing. I’m sure you would have guessed its the Six Flags song. Let me try a few others.

Anything by Benny Benassi - Breeeareoow Brrreeeeearerroow Dooj Dooj Dooj Dooj BRerereeerereaaroowww BRRrEeeEEAAERRRRr OWW Dooj Tiss Dooj Tiss Dooj Tiss Dooj Tiss

Some song on a sampler that my friend Zuk gave me - boteleydetelyeayshmetelaynoodle Eyyyy boteleydetelyeayshmetelaynoodle

The stuff without vocals makes you feel exceptionally retarted. Here are a few of my favorite vocal ones.

The bodyguard by Whitney Houston - And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii will always love yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuooooooooeuuuuuuuuuuuuueeee-
eeeuuuuuuoooooooooooooooooooo (You can hear her take a hit of crack in the background)

Then theres Blinded by the light by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band - Blliiinded by the lightttt. Red roped like a doucher in the rumor inna night. Blinded by the light is the most misheard song of all time. Check it out here. Blinded by the light misheard lyrics

Suggest something.

I have a couple new ideas for Google in their process of World Domination.

GFeltch - An automated program that sucks the jizz out of your ass digitally. The advantage over YahooFeltch is that there aren’t any Yahoos. And you’re allowed to use it on yourself.

GHeroin - Get fucked up on digital heroin. Never before has heroin been so clean with GHeroin.

GFerriswheel - A free ferris wheel that subjects you to random ads. They spin you right round baby right round like a Google player right right round round.

GAntiflagburner - Run GAntiflagburner to reverse effects of burning a national flag. Works on all flags except the UN one. That ones totally gay.

GInsultSomeoneWhoWasACrazyMurdererAndHopefullyNotGetKilled- This one protects you when you blog about someone who recently killed someone then commited suicide and several felonies who was your former local deli owner who seemed nice. You then probably insulted them and their family found your writings on Google and wanted to kill you but somehow they didn’t track you down. This program protects you. I’ve used this one before. Great App. A++

From the makers of the Dental Tetherball court comes a new invention. Introducing the Penis Bobsled.

Ever wanted to make your Penis its own 4 man team that you can take Bobsleding? Wish no more. The Penis Bobsled let’s you do exactly that. Pretend that you’re the size of 4 men all on your own.

They also make a Jamaican version but it won’t fit on the screen.

Happy Bobsledding.

I just had a new business idea that I think could really get me rolling in the green. I would hold peoples Marijuana for them. I’m sure there are a few million stoners out there who get fried out of their gourd and think that aliens or cops are out to get them (and their weed). I could always pull that age old excuse if I was ever to get caught too. “It’s not mine officer.” I would have people sign some sort of waiver that says “I hereby solemnly swear to baby jesus and his associates that the marijuana in bvllets’ bedroom is not actually his.” Signed; whoever gave me the weed. I mean this would be a great venture because I would definately pinch out of it but between you and I, I won’t touch yours, just everyone elses.

I got this from wikipedia. It must be true.

“In November, ” Truly Madly Deeply” became their third U.S. release, shooting up to blow Elton John. By the end of 1997, Darren and Daniel had become international stars.”

I love to hate Aerosmith.
I know nothing about Blur.
I can recite Interpol songs with an amazing 65% lyrical accuracy.
Peaches rocks the house.
Jack had a groove.
Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs.

You know what we need.
Is one nice 110 degree day.
So that all the homeless end up dead.
Homeless fricassee.