I cant go anywhere without waxing my morning wood.
It’s a unique morning tree.
And I get nervous.

They really should add a serious drug usage questionaire for myspace users. This way all the same drug users can get together and get down. I’m sick of seeing my stupid crackwhore friend message all these stupid methaddicts. It’s like mixing embers and fire.

Also, I need to see a STD questionaire.

How many people on myspace have AIDS?

I have no idea. Someone let me know.

I know that on IMDB there is a section that has has “goof” for every movie. You know, those fuck-ups that are like, “In scene 3 when Gerard Depardieu looks at the wall, he doesnt realize that he’s looking at a wall.” These are the ones where people just look too deep into something. So i’m on IMDB and i’m looking at Howard the Duck and I can’t help but notice that the goofs are an active link for the movie. So someone went through the effort to analyze the movie with a talking duck who is trying to save the world from an alien invader. Seems fair enough. I do have one goof to add to it though.

“Revealing Mistakes - HOWARD IS ACTUALLY A FUCKING TALKING HUMANOID DUCK”

Finally! The 100% stimulant nasal spray! It’s a miracle of science! Never before has this been attempted and realized to its full potential.

Blonase contains nothing but the finest Cocaine Hydrochloride to solve your allergy problems. Hell, they can be real life problems. You can even lose weight! Blonase gets to your inner nasals and cuts through the bullshit. See the real inner you.

*May cause Erectile Dysfunction.
**May cause a sudden intense need to shit.
***May cause diarrhea of the mouth.
****May make you think going to the art gallery at 10am on no sleep is a great idea.
*****May cause people to question your authenticity.
******May make you seem cooler than normal.
*******May make you think you’re Darryl Strawberry.
********May make you hate yourself.

Look what I found under Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids on Wikipedia. Check the last one.

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Origins

Fat Albert first appeared in Cosby’s stand-up comedy routine “Buck Buck,” as recorded on his 1967 album Revenge. The stories were based upon Cosby’s tales about growing up in the inner city of Philadelphia. In 1969, Cosby and veteran animator Ken Mundie brought Fat Albert to animation in a one-shot prime-time special entitled Hey, Hey, Hey, It’s Fat Albert.

The special, which aired on NBC, was a hybrid of live-action and animation. The music for the special (and later the series) was written and performed by jazz pianist/keyboardist Herbie Hancock in 1969 and was released on the Warner Bros. album Fat Albert Rotunda.

The producers anticipated NBC to bring Fat Albert to Saturday mornings, but they refused because the series was too educational [1]. So, Bill Cosby and a new production company, Filmation Associates, took the property to CBS.

The series, now titled Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, premiered on September 9, 1972 on CBS for a 12-year run. It also spent a few more months in first-run syndication in 1984. Several prime-time holiday specials featuring the characters were also produced. Like most animated series at the time, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids contained a laugh track.

The Fat Albert Gang’s character images were primarily created by the artist Randy Hollar with the assistance of one-time Disney animator Michelle McKinney, under the direction of Ken Brown.

Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids is also slang for taking a huge crap where some intermingle and some don’t. The idea for the show came to Bill Cosby when he half crapped on the toilet and half in the water.
[edit]

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From what I read, this has to be true. Check out the screen capture here.

I’m opening soon evidently.

I heard someone telling Mother jokes today. They weren’t good or anything and I really feel that Mother jokes should just die. That’s probably never going to happen, but I have a good idea how to slow them down. Below are 2 Mother jokes that really should shut someone right the fuck up. I think they’re great and I hope you do too.

Testing. Testing.

***Ahhem.

“Your Mother is so stupid, you’re a fucking retard.”

Makes sense since they’re the offspring of their Mother. That usually should end any oncoming Mother jokes. Look out for a punch in the face maybe. If so, duck the punch and drop that nigga. Then I also came up with another one. Remember to choose your battles wisely.

“Your Mother is such a dyke, you’re gay.”

Now this is just a great insult. It doesn’t really work on gay dudes though. Hopefully you wouldn’t be telling Mother jokes to a gay dude either, thats just too easy. You can always do a good old Dad joke with the same punchline. Don’t forget to substitute “dyke” with “flaming ‘mo”. You can say “you get fucked in the ass at Motel 6.” instead of “you’re gay.” if you feel good about it.

If you have any alt-Mother jokes, comment. If it’s clean or stupid, don’t even bother. I’ve got no time for every Mother.

A little sidenote - Luomo’s track, “The Present Lover” just came on. In the song they have a lyric that says “I’m the present, true lover…” It almost sounds like the Title of this post. “I’m the present, two mothers…”. Anyways, go listen to Luomo.

I heard theyre hiring a new manager for Great White.
Knowledge of a drummer a plus.
Interest in pyrotechnics a minus.
EOE.

You ever have one of those big garbage days? Today, my beef bayonet is huge. Same with my goolies. I think it’s the weather or the humidity or something. Does anyone know why this happens? I tried looking it up on the internet but I didn’t get many savory results. It’s kinda hard to search for as well. I mean, what would you type in? Anyways, put that in the comment section.

So anways, today is big garbage day. Because my garbage is big. This won’t be puttting this out on the curb though. Sorry ladies.

[20:55] bvllets: man
[20:55] bvllets: i just had a great idea
[20:56] bvllets: you know how kids dont like to eat
[20:56] bvllets: and they give them prizes
[20:56] mit3: yes?
[20:56] bvllets: all you have to do is give away fireworks with a kids meal
[20:56] bvllets: kids will not stop eating.
[20:56] bvllets: i mean lunchables with a firecracker
[20:56] bvllets: black snakes and combos
[20:57] bvllets: k1000 and a burrito
[20:57] bvllets: endless i tell you
[20:57] mit3: just because you were a pyromeniacal youngster doesn’t mean all kids are.
[20:57] mit3: some kids like books.
[20:57] mit3: others like bumblebees
[20:57] ber: no im pretty sure all kids are
[20:57] bvllets: all kids are
[20:57] bvllets: i knew from the first time i lit carbuerator cleaner on fire
[20:57] bvllets: and it sprayed flames 11 feet.

Today, again, I saw Yoko Ono for the 472nd time. Maybe there are imposters

And again, I heard the worst South American panflute rendition of “Willow’s Theme” on the subway.

More to follow.

I need to find a blind person so that I could hand them a kite and then tell them to hold my pet bird for a second. Then just walk away and see what happens. It’s either that or just avoid them completely.

When you have roommates.
Buying paper towels goes unnoticed.
But toilet paper.
Wooh boy.

Recently Governor Pataki passed a law that drawing Swastikas and/or Burning Crosses a felony. Drawing both may be a double felony, i’m not totally sure, someone else can try that one out. A Burning Swastika probably isn’t a good idea either. I guess that i’m going to be going to jail at some point in the near future for the tanks I drew with Swastikas in Kindergarten. I think I drew some of them backwards, so i’m going to have my lawyer look it up for me. If anyone wants to send me some going to jail gifts, hit me up and i’ll let you know where to send them.

Today, just pretend that penthouse letters was actually written by women. You know it’s not.