I can’t help but feel cliches being outdated. Some of these fuckin things that stuck in people’s heads to keep saying are absolutely ridiculous. I felt the need to revamp some of our favorite old cliches so that they’re hip, and in time with today’s recycled phrasical needs.

“Can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.”
….is now
“Can’t make edamame without killing some soybeans.”

“Different strokes for different folks.”
….is now
“Different sores for different whores.”

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”
….is now
“A nickel saved is a penny earned.”

“You’re a stick in the mud!”
….is now
“You’re an cop in a chat room full of pedophiles!”

“He’s green with envy.”
….is now
“Why y’all hatin’ in pantone 363C Solid Coat.”

“Between a rock and a hard place.”
….is now
“You’re arrested in Guantanamo Bay with no formal charges.”

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”
….is now
“Stuff that in your vaporizer and get the essences of it!”

“Faster than a speeding bullet.”
….is now
“Faster than the MicroMachines guy on a full boot of meth.”

“Theres plenty more fish in the sea.”
….is now
“Theres plenty more AIDS victims in Africa.”

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
….is now
“You can’t teach Donald Trump how to comb his hair.”

“Hotter than a three pecked goat in a field full of nannies.”
….is now
“Flimsier than a coatrack on a Sunday afternoon at Lambau.”

“Like the pot calling the kettle black.”
….is now
“Like Ricky Williams calling Bob Marley a pothead.”

“Let’s touch base on this again.”
….is now
“Let’s touch each others penises sometime.”

“Out like a fat kid in dodgeball.”
….is now
“Out like a Sheryl Swoopes in the WNBA.”

“Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.”
….is now
“Don’t throw out the Lactating Preggos Weekly with the jizzrag.”

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.”
….is now
“It’s not fun and games until someone on Jackass loses an eye.”

“Put a fork in me, I’m done.”
….is now
“Put a fork in me, I’m Harriet Miers.”

If any of you have any cliches you’d like to re-do. Please put them in the comment section.

How do you go about telling your friend that they have a MySpace problem? Oops I guess I just told you.

There is some really beautiful online poetry these days. I have found a few excerpts from undiscovered artists out on the web. Some of the most Avant Garde writers seem to be the biggest unknowns. Rare structure and prose found only when sought out. Most of these are from Umami Tsunami.

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Summary - Native Americans have been harassed by Regular Americans for years. They even wrote the sportsbook about it. Only through Online Internet Casinos have they been bewitchingly able to afford houses with excellent rose gardens.

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Summary - This is more of a warning poem. I think it may have been written under the influence of PCP. It basically states Geriatric sight will allow you to see seventeen-inch ecstacies on every hand. Do not crave upholstery under any circumstances.

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Summary - This is my favorite one for obvious reasons. All you need to know is to reflect on that last line. “Save my modem is when major packets family incest stories.” Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

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Summary- This is a tough one. I think that they are advising not to buy Ambien but I am not totally sure.

Ok so obviously those are all done by someone in a computer lab trying to create a sort of spam Madlib(s). These really are great. Once we let Technology take control of bad algorithms, nothing will make sense, and thats funny.

But seriously, that whore at Umami Tsunami needs to check the comments on her blog. There isn’t one from a real person and thats a fact. She must love the automated attention.

If anyone has any other great online poetry, please do post it in the comment section.