Since that Coors Fuck post, I have been thinkin. We really need some truth in advertising all over the place. Especially in mottos. One company comes to mind instantly. UPS. I swear they have broken and lost more shit than any shipping company ever. Take it from someone who monitors shipments. I have come up with 11 new mottos for UPS so that they can get back on track and gain integrity in the eye of the customer.

I think that these reflect their true skill. Who knows, maybe they will commission these.

Coors Light should stop sponsoring things like football. That’s not really something that wouldn’t exist without Coors Light. It’s not really truth in advertising. Coors Light should sponsor things like Sobriety or Diarrhea. This way people know what they’re in for.

I stumbled upon this website today Since Sliced Bread and absolutely had to post. It’s supposedly an idea engine but it’s basically a place for pussies to bicker and disagree. My post mostly deals with the best way to end the political seperation in America. That and pussies who are afraid to die.

Check out my post here.
Bvllets’ Final Solution

This one is great. I was quick to review.
Total Homo

Feel free to review mine or even register a few ideas of your own. Place the links in the comment section. Evidently you can win some money or some shit, but I still think that I will win.

Enjoy!

Man, we eat some crazy shit. I don’t mean like Blooming Onions or Moons over My Hammy or anything like that. I mean Ox Tails, Mortadella, Tripe, Chicken Gizzards and shit like that. The meat spectrum, but which end of the meat spectrum I can’t tell. I walked into the meat department last night literally staring at the prepackaged shit. I live in a somewhat unsavory part of Brooklyn and they have some weird shit down here. I swear I stared at the Chicken Feet for at least 5 minutes. I started grabbing different packs but the best deal I saw was 11 feet for $1.58. A real steal when you’re after Chicken Feet, but not matching pairs of Chicken Feet. So like, what exactly do you do with these, eat them? WTF. I think there are much better uses than cooking and or eating them. Here are a few suggested uses for Chicken Feet.

Chicken Feet Awareness Propaganda - Slap one of these on your antenna of your car for a real treat. Show how much you love chicken and their feet. This could be the real Chicken Feet awareness ribbon.

Retail Clothing Store security – Instead of those metal tags, slap a few Chicken Feet around the collar. No one is gonna steal shit with a Chicken Foot or 3 on it. If you really don’t think that will work you can have a dog at the exit and he can tell you what’s being stolen. If dogs eat shit I’m sure that they’ll eat a Chicken Foot.

Safe Throwing Stars – Keep them in your belt like any urban ninja who doesn’t want to get caught with illegal weapons. Go ahead, toss one at your friends or your enemies. I’m sure you will find that it will work on just about anyone. Maybe even draw some blood. Just don’t throw them at dogs.

Ground breaking Sex toys – Get the edge on local and international deviants by using Chicken Feet in the bedroom. Shove one up her ass or your own for some serious excitement. This has been known to shake up even the best relationships so you can be assured that this will work, even for you.

Hilarious prosthetics – Instead of the medical community giving hardly laughable fake body parts and hooks to people who lose limbs, start attaching hilarious Chicken Feet! They say laughter is the best medicine for anything so let’s start by attaching them to people who need a laugh most! Not for use on peg leg Pirates.

End all replacement for Methadone – There needs to be something to stop this. I am purely speculating here but I think that if you say that you’re going to replace Methadone with Chicken feet dipped in Heroin you might get less people who ask for it. Hell, they might even get off drugs too.

I saw a jukebox that works on credit card swipes now. That’s gotta be the easiest thing to use a stolen credit card on. I’m gonna remember that next time I find a credit card I’m going there and charging thousands of dollars in credit to the machine. That’s gotta be so awesome to have your card stolen and then have a Four Thousand dollar charge for a jukebox on the card. It’s also gotta be the easiest thing to explain in case of fraud. Or legit I spose. Maybe I should do it with mine just for kicks. Be like,

Mastercard – “We appreciate your quick response to your credit card being stolen. We are here to serve you. It seems someone placed some large charges on your card last night including a large charge from an internet jukebox at TGI Friday’s. It was $4,000.”

Me - “You mean to tell me, someone played 8,000 songs on my dime at TGI Friday’s last night?” (Of course that’s where this god awful creation is.)

Mastercard – “That is correct Bvllets. It seems you or someone also played Eddie Money on an average of 40% of the time. Do you like Eddie Money?”

Me – “Well, me and Eddie have sort of this love-hate relationship, well; I guess I like him. Is still wasn’t me last night. Wow. 3,200 Eddie Money songs. Was anything else charged?”

Mastercard – “Seems you, or someone, bought a fully loaded Lamborghini Diablo, 2 tickets to a place listed as Paradise, and some charge for $3000 at the White Coffee Boutique. Was that you?”

Me – “(Shifts into 5th gear) *sniffle* Nope, not me. Must have been those guys at Friday’s. Hold on, I’m about to pass this poor person.”

Mastercard – “Is that 2 tickets to Paradise playing in the background? I thought you said you didn’t like Eddie Money.”

Me – “I said he’s ok and it’s on the radio. Are we done here? *sniffle*”

Mastercard – “I suppose this phone call is over but one of our specialists is going to contact you to investigate further.”

Me – “No worries, I will be on vacation with my girlfriend though. Let me give you my number in Paradise. It’s *sniffle* 305-423-4243.”

Mastercard – “Uhmmm.”

Me – “You’re breaking up. Have your investigator call me.”

Mastercard – “Thanks for using Mastercard. If there is anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

Me – “I’ll just use the card instead. Thanks.”

Mastercard – “I thought you said you didn’t have it.”

Me – “Like I said, we’re breaking up. *sniffle* Later.”

What a bunch of shit Lay’s potato chips motto/slogan of “Betcha can’t eat just one” is. It’s more like “Betcha can’t not not eat the whole fucking bag in 10 minutes and not not feel like you didn’t eat a thing.” And WTFis up with that apostrophe. Oh, Herman Lay. His chips. Thanks Google. Herman is the first inventor of the continuous potato chip maker. How lovely. I am going to thank Herman Lay on behalf of America because America’s lard asses have no idea who you are. What a great invention. The continuous potato chip maker. I found his bio online and here are a few of Herman’s accomplishments.

1939 - Fluffs,” later called BAKEN-ETS® Fried Pork Skins, is among the products incorporated into the Frito Company snack line-up when its founder, C.E. Doolin, purchases a small pork skin business and a plant.

–Thank you Frito Lay for simplifying Fluffs into BAKEN-ETS® Fried Pork Skins because it’s way easier to say and totally more appetizing. The problem I have with BAKEN-ETS® Fried Pork Skins is that anytime anyone can start a business with the words “Small” “Pork” and “Skin” without “Dog food” into the M.O. of the company, some law must have been broken somewhere. Someone look into that. Please.

1944 - The H.W. Lay Company changes its product name to LAY’S® Potato Chips and becomes one of the first snack food companies to advertise on television. The commercial features the debut of the company’s first spokesman in the form of a cartoon character, Oscar, the Happy Potato.

–Oscar!! The Happy Potato! What a success! Where is Oscar to take his award? Oh, he’s been dead 50 years? My bad. Maybe they named the Oscars after him in his memoriam.

1957 - Grocers participate in the first annual FRITOS® Pie promotion, in which display space is devoted to ingredients used in the recipe - FRITOS® Corn Chips, FRITOS® Chili, onions, and cheese!

–Not only do we have to thank Frito-Lay for making everyone fat and complicating everyone’s vobabulary, but we also have to thank them for making dessert with just as much cholesterol as the main course.

1959 - Vice President Richard Nixon takes FRITOS® brand Corn Chips to Nikita Krushchev in Russia.

–Nothing to set up the cold war even more than bringing over a fried bag of shit to the foreign Prime Minister.

1966 - DORITOS® Tortilla Chips is introduced nationally. Literally translated into Spanish, “doritos” means “little bits of gold.”

–Not that I know a whole lot but “little bits of gold” translated means Goldschlager. In every language.

1969 - FUNYUNS® Onion Flavored Rings is introduced.

–Yeah. Thanks ALOT.

1979 - FRITO-LAY’S® yearly sales exceed $1 billion.

–Good for you.

1987 - FRITO-LAY®, a pioneer in the use of hand-held computers, distributes them to its route sales representatives to better manage products, routes, and customers; nationwide implementation is completed in July 1988.

–”A pioneer in hand-held computers.” Why in the fuck didn’t I see hand-held computer chips? Pioneer my ass. Commodore, Texas instruments and IBM ruled that year.

1993- The national launch of WAVY-LAY’S™ Potato Chips, a new wavy-cut potato chip, occurs in Super Bowl XXVIII with a cameo by former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle.

–Whooooah shit. Coming out with the big guns here who can’t even say fucking Potato right. HILARIOUS! Is that what these things are? They’re so WAVY™ I can’t even tell anymore! This feels like a Dead™ show!

1997 - Frito-Lay purchases CRACKER JACK® brand from Borden. Sailor Jack and his dog, Bingo, have saluted every Cracker Jack package since 1918.

–FRITO-LAY’S® finally said fuck the pussy shit and went straight out for Crack Cocaine. Taste the revolution. Everyone knows the real Sailor Jack and his dog, Bingo left in the merger. They knew it was their time when they started turning the prizes into stickers that you can’t open and jokes with the punchline door already opened. That and they were only allowed as many peanuts per package as testicles on the two.

1998 - FRITO-LAY’S® line of WOW!® products made with Olean®, including low fat or fat-free versions of DORITOS®, RUFFLES®, LAY’S® and TOSTITOS® snack chips, is launched nationally.

–I can’t hate on them. This is a genuine accomplishment. They just forgot to add “Oily Discharge” to it. Sorry guys, i’m a real stickler when it comes to synthetic oil coming out my ass.

2000 - CHEETOS® X’S and O’S™ Snacks becomes the first time a snack chip product contains two shapes in one bag!

2001 - CHEETOS® MYSTERY COLORZ™ X’s and O’s™ Snacks offers all the cheesy taste of CHEETOS® while magically changing from orange to green or blue when eaten!

–Now here is where it gets good. In the year 2000 was the first time there were only 2 shapes in one bag. Now I don’t know about you, but this is totally why I want to eat CHEETOS®. PRINGLES® have only one shape and LAY’S® have infinity. GENIUS®!!!!! Who the hell came up with that idea? Someone give them a Purple Heart. Not only did they feel that was satisfactory for an innovation at FRITO-LAY® for an entire year, the next year needed to be all about a breakthrough change on their brand new product! I can see it now. “Let’s make the new exclusive CHEETOS® only 2 shape snack change colors in your mouth!” Then the whole board room just goes with it. My whole problem with this is that the focus has gone all about snacking to “Hey lets make our product stupid and even dumber this year! Go Team!” Fuck you.

The rest isn’t really that funny. Its mostly about a company focused on products they can have Jared from SUBWAY® can endorse. Well, that and trying to make the company look not so bad for making everyone fat in the first place. Imagine Tobacco companies advertising cigarettes are bad and taking the good stuff out of them. Hey, thats pretty close.

Put your fucking comments in the comment section.

Well, after sending an e-mail I realized this is my 1 year anniversary of moving to NYC. It’s been good. Except for the hate mail and comments i’ve been getting on here but I suppose they were well deserved. Definately well deserved, i’m an asshole. This place teaches you things, thats for sure.

**********I’ve learned

-How to go to bed at 10am.
–How to wake up at 6pm.
—How expensive drugs really can be given the wrong location. ECKERD SUCKS!
—-How to check the calendar to see if it’s a holiday before you go all the fucking way crosstown to the bank in Chelsea with no money so you don’t have to walk all the way back to Brooklyn.
—–What it feels like to walk from Chelsea to Brooklyn.
——How to fill up a DVR by recording mass amounts of stuff to i’ll never watch. Sealab 2something20something on Cartoon Network in 15 minute episodes makes it seem to take double the amount of space when it’s full.

**********Amazing realizations *like woah

-Finding out CSI isn’t a bad show because youve actually filled up the DVR with stuff you’ll never watch because it’s too hard to erase them. It’s easier when you don’t have to change the channel.
–Not to not let your friends from home bring Old World Style Super Mightys because when you’re hammered and half passed out they’ll brush your teeth with them and put their girlfriends shoe on you. Oh yea, and take pictures of it.
(Old World style is Meat, Lettuce and cheese because in the old world they only threw tomatoes for bad performances and public hangings or had festivals with them. Plus I don’t like them.)
—It’s never a good idea to whistle the song from the movie Broken Flowers walking by an angry black man you’re paying no attention to because he will hunt you down a dark street and threaten to kick your ass in front of your girlfriend and call you a racist. Really embarassing.
—-Don’t talk to strangers about business ideas when you’re wasted because they’ll leave you voicemails in terrible dialect about things you can’t remember and that they’re going back to Romania for a week and a half and how you really need to call them back because their uncle has something you talked about and needs to talk to you immediately.
—–Dipping french fries in bourbon is actually quite tasty.
——Not to tell a girl you just picked up off the train and went back to her house with that her cat is going to die because you definately won’t get any.
——-Not to pick up girls on the train because they spend lots of money for treatment on their cat that is going to die.
——–Not to go to Movida.
———You can’t have too many friends.

And thats about it folks. Party at Radio City Hall Musical tonight for the awards! Stay tuned for comments about other things i’ve learned in the comment section. Feel free to post your last years worth of things you’ve learned. Pre-Fall reflectionism. Or at least share your Jewish New Years resolutions. Thanks!

I really love it when I get an email that says it’s from a husband and wife. ie.

Dear bvllets,

We would appreciate it if you were less funny or would at least shut the hell up. We can’t seem to keep our urine in our bladders.

Sincerely,

Angie & Bob Davis

Like Angie and Bob both sat down and compiled their thoughts and wrote a joint email telling me how funny I am. I can see it now.

“Hey Angie, you know, I was thinkin that bvllets guy sure is funny and I keep pissing myself. We should write him an email.”
“Oh Bob, you’re so right. I keep pissing down my leg every time I read his blog too. He also makes my vagina as moist as a fresh Better Crocker cake. Let’s do it!”
“Oh Angie, you’re so cute when you talk about your moist Betty Crocker Vadge.”

The thing I can’t really figure out is if Bob and Angie typed alternate words, letters or collabrated sentences over many drafts. How convenient that they both feel the same way. I would hate to create a rift in the family.

People, I don’t care if you’re married or not. You’re 2 seperate people no matter how much til death do us part crap you believe. The thing is, i’m onto this tactic. I always know it’s the wife whos writing it. How weak. What husband is going to put his wife on there if hes making the argument? Let me think, uhm, zero.

Let’s make a proposition banning wives who use their husbands name gratuitously for argumental purposes from voting. Anyone who can’t make an arguement themselves shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Mysoginstic? Prolly a little. Do I care? Not really.

Thoughts?

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While eating my Nissin Chicken Cup Noodles (Evidently they’re just Cup Noodles and not Cup of or Cup O’ Noodles. You’d think with a budget to put an advertisement in Times Square they’d at least get someone to help them out with some grammar.) and i’m watching these little Freeze Dried Vegetables float around. Appetizing yes, but it reminds me of a story. Here goes.

A good friend of mine worked at a record store for about 9 months or so. Christmas was coming up and love was in the air. On his last day he worked before Xmas, his boss (The owner) called him into his office and proceeded to give him a present. This is what will go down as the worst Christmas present in history. He gave him an 8 oz container of freeze dried peas, corn, carrots, tomatoes and bell peppers and said Merry Christmas. The guy was Indian, but still. That’s just fucking wrong. I think you’re better off giving nothing at all. What’s even more fucked up it is when I search Google for it, the first result for the product is at a Bird Food website. No lie, here it is.

This is the copy from the bird feed site, and I quote.

“These crunchy, delightful snacks are a healthy addition to your bird`s diet. Harvest fresh vegetables are quickly freeze-dried, preserving their luscious flavors and nutrients. Completely natural…absolutely nothing added. Includes carrots, corn, peas, tomatoes and bell peppers.”

Thats fucked up right? The only other comparison I can think of for worst Christmas present was my other friend who got Gravy Master from his Grandmother but he’s been getting that every year so it’s more of a tradition than something fucked up. I mean, who doesn’t want Gravy Master year after year? She’s wise beyond her years.

Post your worst Christmas present story in the comment section. Either that or your list for Santa

Scott Norwood

I am a Buffalo Bills fan. A true sickness. The Buffalo Bills sucked very bad yesterday and I guess that I completely expected it, but I never want to think it. Thats what it’s like being a Buffalo Bills fan. It all started with one moment with one player. You know him by name, Scott Norwood. Scott Norwood really only let us down that once, but it was enough to let us all down forever and understand that this is our place. Scott Norwood sucks balls. I am making this image in memoriam to Scott Norwood. My hopes are that it will reach somewhere near the top of the google image search for all to see. This is my testament.

Feel free to track the placement of my image on Google images here:
Scott Norwood Google Image Search Results

Feel free to do your own hate image for whatever or whomever ails you in the comment section. I am sure that there is someone you can do it to. Feel free to post a comment with your email address and I can help you create/host the image as long as it’s worthy of merit.