bvllets: this guy just asked me if there is any discount for a sears retiree
jimmyonpoint: yea
jimmyonpoint: we have one
jimmyonpoint: its called
jimmyonpoint: buy something
jimmyonpoint: and let me know when it gets there
jimmyonpoint: and ill come to your house and kick you in the teeth
bvllets: hahahhaha
bvllets: $^@#%
jimmyonpoint:
bvllets: the thought of kicking this guy in the teeth is hilarious
bvllets: i don’t think he has any teeth though

Dudes I got a wicked surf report from Galveston Texas or somethin. They’re predicting multi rippers from the southcoastness. Get your boards and I totally think a wetsuit is for real good cause it’s cold. I’ve had too many bummers harshin’ my mellow like shunken nut bummers over the liquid. You know what I say, fuckem if they can’t rip a gnarley one. They’re nothin but wading pool poseurs. Whoah dude I forgot the report.

Galveston, TX - Lots of rippin breaks up to 77′ but the crowd is more Corona than Sam Adams. Once it hits it’s time for all the Mexicans who been too shamed to cross to break on through to the other side. Don’t expect any limes in the Coronas and don’t drink the water.

New Orleans, LA - Secrets have it that the Superdome is the place to be. French district is still full of totally gay homos so stay out of there. I heard Girls Gone Wild got so wild they started featuring all the residents left in the area. That alone is worth it. Expect 55′ swells and besides the curls, expect black people looting and white people finding.

Miami, FL - Get your hooker on dude we ain’t surfin here. Eggplantina Picante Cuervo is ready for you bro. Come see the place that Suge Knight shot himself in the probation a little bit ago. Surfin 32′ swell charms blow pop sweet liquid honies will get you far.

Hilton Head, SC - Totally white people drinking and looking like shit. Good place to take a shit though. Seriously I was into it. Maybe it was the hospitality. 14′ swells and the same dead black people washed up on shore that white people there throw into the ocean as always. Look out for the concrete feet!

Disko Bay, Greenland - Hard disco plays nonstop but not there. 2′ puffies and -47 degree water keeps the manliness at a vienna sausage type level(wink wink, you know what I mean dudes!). Seriously tho, stay away from this place if you’ve ever heard of some shit called a conversation or survival.

Bleachblonde, CA - Totally dude. Totally.

Now this is forreal. When Big Pimpin’ meant “I got a Fiero.” and a dimebag cost a dime. This guy is da fuckin man. No spinners, no subwoofers blasting indistinguishable lyrics, no black chicks shaking their asses and most importantly, no bling. All this guy needed was a Fiero, some air, some dirt, trusty levi’s, trusty cowboy hat, trusty boots, trusty denim jacket, trusty belt buckle, and a sense of trust. Fuckin A.

So i’m sitting here thinking why i’ve got a boner the size of a 30-06 rifle at work. I’ve done nothing to arouse myself so it’s really quite unecessary. Are there hot girls here? No. Am I looking at internet porn? No. Was I subconciously thinking about vaginas? Probably. Then it occurs to me how many things I may subconciously think about without actually having something like a boner to detect it. Maybe I need to get like a boner for those type of things. Then people could be like “Hey you got a Granola Boner. You must be thinking about Granola again.” That could be embarassing though because someone could be like “Hey you got an Andy Warhol boner. You must be thinking about Andy Warhol.” Since hes like gay and a guy thats kinda weird. I guess then i’d have to name it my Pop-Art boner.

Piece of mind - Vent about Buffalo to me. - $10

——————————————————————————–
Reply to: see below
Date: 2005-09-21, 12:33PM EDT

I am living in NYC and a transplant from Buffalo. I spent 25 years there and I know how much Buffalo sucks so I am offering a response and a re-assurance from someone who knows how much Buffalo sucks. Trust me it’s not you. Send me $10 Paypal and I will verify up and down how much Buffalo sucks. I can even tell you about sucky places to not go to and things to not do in Buffalo because they suck. Paypal me $10 at bullets@gmail.com for a fantastic response.
this is in or around NYC

no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

99008879

Effective Immediately - To all employees.

Sniffing Adderall at work for recreational purposes will no longer be tolerated. Any employee caught Myspacing too much or talking on AIM while high out of their mind on Adderall will be terminated immediately. Employees caught doing actual work while high on Adderall will receive raises weekly.

This rule is only applicable to the employees who crush and sniff it.

Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Bvllets
Customer Service Manager

If a vadge queefs in the woods and no one hears it, did that vadge queef at all? From the elusive ptttfffthhhh to the royal squeeeeeeeak, these queefs may be more than just pussy farts. New scientific technology is breaking through the language of the queef. Microphones placed inside several vadges have recorded several queefs throughout a day. When placed in the supercomputer known as the pentium II MMX there are surprising conclusions in the realm of the vadge linguistics. A few examples are as follows.

PffffffTTthhhhzzzzz (repeat 4x) - Someone is servicing my cervix.
ZzzzzzzzzEEPROMS - I’m so horny and all I can think of are EEPROMS.
MXCMXVII - Roman Vaginals.
Sssshhheheeee - I am a lesbian. Hear me squeak.
Fffffffpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpfpthhhhhhhhhhhhwooooop - That tickles. (The fpfpfpfp is a sign of HPV.)
ErrrReeErrrReeWickyWicky - I am a wicked vaginal DJ.

Pay attention folks, those vaginas may be telling you more than just “i’m full of hot air”.

Ok so someone conned me into fantasy football with ESPN. I’m not totally complaining but the system fucked up this week. Dont ask me how.

The VP of it emailed me and I assumed everyone about the error. The message is as follows.

Dear Bvllets,

I want to let you know that everyone at ESPN.com shares your frustration with the early season technical problems with our Fantasy Football application. I appreciate very much that you have chosen to play Fantasy Football with us and we value our relationship with you - fan to fan.

I want to apologize to you for the problems we’ve had and assure you that we are doing everything in our power to solve them and provide an experience that the best, most passionate sports fans on the Web deserve.

Our aim is to have our Fantasy Football application operating normally for this Sunday’s games. We will be updating you on our progress and resolution.

Bvllets, again we appreciate that you are playing Fantasy Football with us and we will do everything possible to make this a terrific experience for you this season.

Sincerely,

John Kosner
Senior Vice President and General Manager

…….

So anyways. It was funny cause I don’t care. So I decided to have some fun. Don’t you know I would?

Here is my response.

Dear John,

I apologize about temporarily losing my first born son because of errors with your game. Shit happens. I trusted ESPN to come through with the best fantasy football system ever and made a wager that I guess I wasn’t ready to cash. So much that I ended up having to trade my first born son to an internet acquaintance for 16 weeks. At least the term ends at the end of the regular season and we agreed to have my son returned before the superbowl so we could both watch it. I had to cut it off there. Can’t give it all away. The only reason i’m worried truthfully is because the guy is a Vegan. He won’t feed my son anything but brown rice, broccoli and tofu because thats all he has. I dropped him off today and almost broke down into tears. If he turns my son into a scrublebug crumbbum I swear I might retaliate on not so ethical terms. Anyways, I hope that the system has become more secure as of late before I bet more than I can handle because honestly I don’t know how I am going to deal. I wish I had won his first born instead.

Sincerely,

Bvllets

……

I really wrote him with my real name. I hope he responds. It will be the next post.

Dear Court TV,

First of all I want to thank you for making the bag that I get my 60 cent Cinnamon Raisin bagel with butter more colorful and entertaining. I really don’t like your station but I would highly reccomend it to others who have no lives or really live for hot legal action. What I really didn’t like was how it made my bagel taste like newsprint. That honestly wasn’t so great. I suppose there are some people out there who like that sort of thing and if that’s the case, feel free to ignore me as the “isolated case” of dissatisfaction. If that’s how it really is and i’m in the wrong, at least start serving them with New York Post napkins for that extra newsprint flavor kick.

I’m sorry to say this, but I had to find a new street bagel guy. Sorry bagel guy. I’m sure he doesn’t care though, they’re 60 cent bagels.

Sincerely,

bvllets

Please wait for a site operator to respond.
You are now chatting with ‘Jenni’
Jenni: Hello. Thank you for using Yellow Transportation’s web site. How may I help you?
you: Hi Jenni
you: I need to track a shipment
Jenni: Hello
Jenni: What is the pro #
you: The tracking number is 4
Jenni: The tracking # will be 9 digits
you: OK it must be 000000004

Try it out yourself. http://www.myyellow.com and click on the “Live Chat” in the top right hand corner. The shit rules. Post yours in the comment section.

bvllets> so a spick, a jew, an irishman, a chink, a jap, a monk, abraham lincoln, a nigger, a wop, a jew, a priest, a jew, a priest, a jew, a nigger, a jew, a jew and a jew walk into a bar.
bvllets> the jew says,
bvllets> L’CHAIM!
bvllets> and they all don’t say it, just the jews do!
spiziegal> lol
spiziegal> ohh yeah
spiziegal> OHH YEAH

Roiders (New Orleans,LA) - Reports have been spewing in that proper moral naming etiquette rules have shifted on the Superdome. Processes are underway with petitions to have the names changed and local opinion supports it 106%. Judge Makin Guplawsathisowndiscretion post on stupidblog.com that he will not let the processions proceed. Hindering procession proceedings has processesed its own processions in wasted processing of precious processions precious to the process. Priceless but not effective enough. Names have been submitted for the panel to review. Our anonymous inside reporter Al Merle Williams III of 134 6th Ave, Apt 214, NY, NY 10025 has gathered a few names. Submitted has been ‘Stupidome’, ‘Plan F dome’ and ‘Fuck you bitch you ain’t my baby’s Daddy and I don’t care what everyone thinks i’m a raw ass bitch(dome)”. Most of the complaining came not after Hurricane Katrina passed but after Lil Jeroen and the Mid Side boys stopped performing their Unplugged set in row 14 of the home teams end zone. They prompted all acts and even Boullion B’Gouda Cheese to cancel future performances, now and forever in a dome named after Superman. Rumors are that Neptune will buy the city for a few million sand dollars so no one is quite worried yet. As scary as this is, consider it well organized. Neptune, the sunken Trump has faith that the city can be encased in glass and shit for permanent use. Lets hope he’s not a terrorist.

Wanted in New Orleans

——————————————————————————–
Reply to: anon-94995197@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-09-02, 10:15AM CDT

In light of hurricane Katrina, we are looking for someone in the New Orleans area with approximately 400,000 gallons of Mr Bubble that they would like to donate. Let’s turn this negative into a positive. In addition to the Mr Bubble, we are also in need of a 250hp gas powered mixer to get the bubbles going. This will help provide relief where New Orleans needs it most.

Serious inquiries only.

Robert
Bubbles not Food Inc.
New Orleans, LA

this is in or around New Orleans

no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

94995197

Dear Ebay,

Please stop sending me emails about your promotions, sales, ideas and hot fashionable shoes for women by Manolo Blahnik. It’s becoming a problem for me to resist your monetary love. I don’t mean to sound defensive, but I don’t want to sell everything I have right now. I know sometime it will be right. I know I teased you with high priced goods but those days are over. I’ve moved and the truth is I needed the money to move. It’s wasn’t cocaine; yet. I’m still waiting for my first time until i’m married. I need to keep these with me for at least another few nights of drinking, I mean, housewarming parties. Ok so it’s true I should probably pick up the boxes, but the parties are too much fun. I love your apartment! Thanks. It’s uhm not ours. Somewhat proud of renting can’t you tell. So then we’re supposed to pay rent for this place. What a joke! We don’t own it! Which is why I might need to sell some high valued goods again. Really, free bold and thumbnail views are about the best features of Ebay but really, please, stop sending them. I don’t need to be selling my $270 Mink and PVC Roberto Cavalli Codpiece anytime soon.

Ornamentally Horticulturally Yours,

bvllets