Annoying stains in your oven? Try using gasoline! The octane breaks down cooked on grime to leave your oven sparkling fresh. Afterwards turn it on for some post cleaning fun.

Problems with hiccups? Try putting a loaded gun in your mouth and counting backwards from 10! It works everytime!

Can’t keep your pets off the furniture? Try cutting their legs off! The makeup of their paws also double as a great backscratchers when you’re done!

Can’t get over your fear of heights? Eat an entire Pointsetta plant! You will completely forget about it!

Can’t remember things when you need to? Tie a string to one of your fingers as tight as you can and leave it for days. Once you notice your black dead finger you will instantly be reminded of what you wanted to remind yourself of.

Run out of tampons? Try not using them for some good old fashioned fun!

Sick of paying full price for a Turkey on Thanksgiving? Go to the dog pound and get yourself some sort of Labrador! It’s cheap, easy and your family members won’t ever know the difference!

Doggie doo doo a problem around your lawn? Try sauteeing it in used motor oil and serving it with shallots! Scooping has never been so delightful, or tasty!

Can’t make it to work on time? Break your leg in 16 places and you won’t have to worry about it for at least 3 months!

Can’t get it up? Try not doing so much fucking blow!

People forgetting you all the time? Try carving Slayer into your arm with a razor blade! People will think you’re a huge Slayer fan! No one forgets a Slayer fan!

Irritating smells lingering around your house? Try taking the dead hookers in the closet outside! Even dead whores need fresh air! (Try keeping them out of plain view)

Toilet brush not cutting it? Use your roommates toothbrush! The results are always better with someone elses brush!

Oh princess. I remember it like it was yesterday. Nothing could stop me. It hurts me; I mean, really hurts me when you say I was cheating by warping to level 3 after stage 1-2. I had to run ON TOP OF THE GOD DAMN SCREEN! I nearly lost my head! Stop being so blind! Nevermind the 112 extra lives I got on those stairs by jumping on a flying turtle shell repeatedly. It could have been worse! I could have thrown my hands in the air like I had no idea what was going on and jumped halfway up the screen and disappeared on you! With no lives! Seriously, I needed those for the water level! I couldn’t breathe! FUCK! That’s not the point. All I was after was you. Why don’t you listen? Neither fire nor brimstone nor little crawly things shaped like penis heads nor turtles with wings could stop me. Coins coins coins! It’s all you say now of days. Where did all those extra coins go? I told you honey. I BOUGHT LIFE INSURANCE SO WE COULD BOTH BE HAPPY! After all the bukkake, protein shakes, lazer tag, rape and torture by Bowser and you can’t even thank me for saving you! I’m a plumber for christ sake! You think anyone else thanks me? FORGET ABOUT LUIGI! NO WERE NOT GAY! He lays pipe, I lay pipe, why do you think we’re gay? Yea so what we hang out alot in the shop! Install a camera if you care so damn much! I HAVEN’T CHANGED! LISTEN! I SAVED YOU! Sorry I can’t be all about saving you when you’re safe at home and already saved! Ok fine. How about this. I remember when you used to be able to jump and fly! Even with a turnip on your head! I don’t see that shit anymore! Not even in the bedroom! Yea? So I had a raccoon tail once. So what! It was a phase babe. I only busted it out sometimes, and not for just anybody. I know I used to be able to fly too. IT WAS TEMPORARY! So was the firepower too! I thought you knew! We gotta stop arguing about the past. Please. Babe? No. Look at me! Thats better. Babe, just take me back. Please. I got this mushroom in my hand and I swear this one last time i’ll be a big man and wipe the slate clean.

Why did I always jerk off in my parents livingroom? I’m actually here right now. It’s been awhile but I think that the old pornos that I first got off to happened right here and this is my ballsack mecca. The first place I ever busted a nut. Fuckin bad pron too. Some weird shit I found in my parents attic/crawl space er whatever it was. It was like some 80’s glitter porn (I know what you’re thinking but it was a straight porn) then there was this scene where this guy painted his face like he was dracula and had sex with these halfmuffs. Like I said it was the 80’s where muffs weren’t huge but they weren’t exactly Brazilian either. Halfmuffs. I remember I think I got busted once. My stepdad came in and I had my pants undone and I swear I think the porn was playing. I really freaked out there. I won’t be so gullible to think that going to the store always takes 30 minutes and that I can get a quick one in. Well, that and the fact that I don’t live here anymore so theres no need to beat off here. Ballsack mecca.

Love is never having to say you’re horny.

Nothing is better than ordering from a Brooklyn Dunkin Donuts operated by African Americans. It is the only place where I can go to have the same question about my cream and sugar coffee asked to me 8 times. Cream and sugar usually means it has cream and sugar in it. Not there. It means ask me 8 times about what I want in my coffee. It would be acceptable but there are only really 2 things that can be added to coffee so it’s like, hey, ask me no more than 2 questions. The worst part was that I had to help out a cop. I don’t generally like cops but the person behind the counter was so oblivious to the menu that she had no idea what was going on. I forgot to tell you she was the manager. I then made the mistake of ordering a sausage and egg croissant which took me 15 minutes to get and was almost frozen. I bit into it and almost choked on insanity. This guy assembled the cold egg, sausage and cheese croissant and proceeded to hand wrap it and hand it to me. No heat at all. I swear he had too many paint chip flavored iced coffees. It was crazy.

15 minutes later I shit my brains out in some apartment we were looking at renting that had toilet paper. I’m not sure how the broker really took it when I closed the door and came out 5 minutes later. Who cares the apartment sucked. There was a home HIV test box on the floor which I can’t say wanted to make me live there.