Well. I like to share things here that I might not normally tell someone at a business meeting. Call me old fashioned. I usually tell some shocking tales without having to explain. Most of the times when I divulge information it’s more like, hey, this kid is crazy, but this time you might say i’m insane. Well, at least to tell you.

So I decided to bleach my hair again and nevermind that I look like a 4th rate Abba reject with a moustache now, I wanted to do it. So I mix up the bleach, typical salon style with oil powder creme bleach and 40 volume developer. I mix it up and I do a pretty damn good job getting it all in my hair and I clean up the mess. Then it sets in. That irritating burn/itch whatever it is that makes you so tempted to mess with your hair. So I grab a plastic knife and start itching the parts that are driving me nuts. After about 5 more minutes I decide I really can’t take it. I need something to take my mind off it. I’m going to wash it out. Wait, I can’t do that, it’ll be yellow. I got it. I’ll jerk off. So I rip off all my clothes and head for the bathroom and my trusty Curel. I throw on some random porn (at this point time was the crucial point, not what I was watching. I did need something though) and start going to town. Let me tell you, this is probably one of the weirdest and most exhilirating things i’ve ever done. Tingle tingle tingle, wank wank wank. My head is on fire and meanwhile i’m ripping my dick off trying to forget about the burn. A good 7 minutes later I finish and i’m ready to rape a Rhino. Instead I took a shower and washed the bleach out. In retrospect i’m trying to think of a more exhilirating time i’ve had when I was beating off. I can’t.

Share your most exhilirating beat off stories in the comment section. Try not to use exhilirating as much as I did.

There is a newer level of Dumpster Dianetics that I have found. I must spread the word of Tron’s 4th Great grandparents dogs sisters ex-lovers roofing contractors milkmaid through my blog.

Here are the levels.

1st level - You reach into a 4 day old plate of Lo Mein and get over your initial fears of Dumpster Dianetics.
Cost - $1000
2nd level - You reach into of the next day garbage from the Schermerhorn Street bingo hall in Brooklyn until you find chartreuse used up bingo marker.
Cost - $3000
3rd level - You must dig through the makeup tissues in the garbage in Kurt Loders dressing room in search of his soul. They wipe it off every time.
Cost - $5000
4th level - Dive onto a NYC MTA garbage train in search of a pair of red earmuffs that some crackhead thought were headphones.
Cost - $10000
5th level - Spelunking a Staten Island landfill for any reference of Estelle Getty from the Golden Girls.
Cost - $20000

You think this is crazy? Try real Scientology.

The sidearm cellphone. A necessary weapon of the middle class moderately techy white collar male. Please do continue to wear your cellphones on your side so I can pretend i’m someone else in front of you. Oh yes, I have a unique opportunity for you, you’re a businessman, hear me out. I don’t know if you heard, but there is a surplus of people from countries in Africa who have wealthy relatives that die and need some financial supports to transfer their money to a bank account here. I speak from experience. I’ve have had Chocolatiers, Oil Czars, Contractors and Maple Syrup CEO’s all contact me with about an average of $20 million dollars a day. This is the 21st Century and spam is important stuff. Again, I speak from experience here when I say there is a small fortune to be made in Africa. Please, comment or send us an email for a unique business opportunity that is opportunistic and ultimately unique.

Ok so the most recent thought that has been in my mind is this one. Who would win in a fight. Kraft Mac N Cheese or Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Don’t forget i’m not talking about White Cheddar Shells N Cheese here. That’s the undisputed heavyweight champion or the champion of undisputed heavyweights. I’m not sure which, but anyways. Coming in at 39 cents a box, in the cheap corner (store) is Kraft. Give it up for Kraft. In the gourmet corner, pricing in at an average of $1.99 a box is Vellllllveeettaaaaaaaaaaa. Let’s keep it clean guys.

Now for the always improper and asinine sports announcer commentary.

“Well Bill, I think that Kraft has what it takes to make it a dirty fight. Kraft has the natural ghetto skills and street cred to make it a moment in pugilist history. Like I said before Joe, Velveeta is a newcomer who is ready to take it to extremes. Never needing any ingredients, he is the essence of a fabulously extreme non-refrigerated ghetto meal.”

I’m predicting Velveeta in the 3rd round. Death by body blow.

Now folks, here is where I need your help. Who do you think would win? And how? Why?

Fucking comment.

So today i’m thinking really big and really outside the box. Literally, outside the box. What if you woke up Christmas morning and found all your presents wrapped in bacon. A tie for Dad, and a side of bacon. A vacuum for Mom cause Dad’s retarted, and a side of bacon. Little Billy gets a Sponge Bob with Clorox brand sponge, and a side of bacon. And lets not forget the dog. Lets face it, dogs don’t get a wide variety of gifts, so i’ll take a stab at what some family member brings your dog. A big old box of charcoal flavored Liv-a-Snaps. Because all dogs love charcoal. That meaty charcoaly taste. I mean he will have a box of dog treats and a side of bacon. Plus when you’re done, theres no messy gift wrap to clean up. Who loses in this one. This is like a total win win.

From our photo archives. He’s the A-Bomb yo. Physicizin and Scientizin n shit.

I smoke occasionally. Well over the last year it’s most of the time. I’m slowly not wanting to. I looked at my pack and theres 2 left. So I think, maybe I should smoke these and get it over with, but my body has no desire to fire one up. I think deep, you know, real deep. What’s the best thing to make me want to smoke? Coffee with French people? Nah, not tonight. Sex? Yea, but I don’t have a girlfriend and I don’t want to make it one of those $300 an hour nights. I know! I’ll beat off. So I did. And this cigarette is good. Maybe I can be a social smoker and only smoke after I beat off. Wait. Is that social? Maybe I can start a beat off nightclub and make it so. Not one of my best ideas but it’s rather innovative. I should stop writing about this. You people are going to think i’m a weirdo. Well, i’m gonna go shave my balls in hopes i’ll get laid someday.

What the fuck is up with Nacho Cheese. I look at it and it’s like uhm, I think i’m gonna puke. Then I get this sudden urge to taste it and I can’t stop dipping. 5 minutes into it I feel like i’m going to puke again. I guess thats what fat ugly bitches are like.

Has anyone had sex in space? I’m not totally sure but it seems fun. I bet those fuckers, I mean russians have done it. If I was on a space station I would sure as hell be hitting on ANY woman on there to try and get her pants off. Unless of course it was Christa McAuliffe. No ones gotta worry about that now though. And, that is of course if you can get any leverage. I imagine myself pumping my groin in anti-gravity and having the woman move at the same time and no one getting off. Wasted genital inertia. I think the only way possible is to grab your partner and go to warp factor thrust 7. Seriously. Think about how fun that would be. Just floating around and hitting it doggystyle 6 feet off the ‘ground’ upsidown in a space shuttle. What a Christmas card. Really the best part tho is the money shot. I would probably turn it into games though like measuring seminal velocity or illustrating shapes of the wad as it travels into the flux capacitor. I’m sure they use those. That may possibly be the only reason I want to go into space. Well, that and tang.

Anyone know where the Curel went?

Let me just describe my wedding. That is if i find a broad, I mean bride to accept me.

The priest will be a child molester.
White suits designed by Skidz.
All the white suits will be covered, well spattered in blood, just for effect. Real blood, none of that pussy skoal.
Emmit otters jug band will be playing.
The beer will flow like wine.
Aerosmith appetizers. I mean like, them diced up on some toasted bread.
Entrees by Pablo Escobar.
Obligatory Vomiting.
Gift registry at Toys ‘R’ Us. (Sorry I don’t know how to do a backwards R)
Photography by Andres Serrano.
Prizes for who brings the biggest idiot. If you’re married to them it doesn’t count.
Free adult diapers. ‘So much fun you could shit your pants. Here. Just in case.’
No Al-Qaida allowed.

Anyone who wants an invite, post a comment.

So im in the Hamptons and I think im in love. These people are so easy to make fun of. We were driving down the street and I guess we were supposed to be going somewhere. I was just happy to be in a car. I saw a Carvel and Cookie Puss dominated my grey. So all my friends are asking me where we should turn and all i’m saying is Cookie Puss. Pretty much not helpful, but I really wanted that brown face delight. I’m grabbing my balls and they’re like ask this lady. She starts to give us directions and well, let me give you the profile. 35, sorta fat but built, trying to be a runner, SHORT HAIR, butch face. They start to give her directions and i’m like HEY WHERES DYKEHAMPTON. I don’t know if she liked it but I laughed and she was useless from the get go. I mean if I was eating box all day I would want to try and run it off too. Anyways fuck that lez. The point of the post is I made fun of people simply by putting ‘Hampton’ at the end of the, well, I guess it was a slur. Let me give you a list of things I yelled out the window.

Hey boys wheres Faghampton?
Is this Vadgehampton? Sure looks like it.
Hi, i’m Tim Hampton. I own this place.
I think we’re in Shithampton.
Dude, who took a wrong turn at Cellulitehampton.
Holy Snatchampton! (the boobs were equally distracting, yea I mean naked broads)
OMFGimfinishedhampton.
Hey isn’t… hahah i had to close it the hot girl came out here. I don’t think I can expose this to her just yet.
Wait, what did I want to say.. oh yea
Seriously this is WeekendatBernieshampton. <3 Bernie.
I have reached my goal. I have seen Thirtydollarstoparkhampton.
Jesustittyfuckingchristhampton.

Not too bad. So easy. Please add your derogatory hampton cities in the comment section.