Money.
Oh how I love thee.
Let me count the ways.

One ripe banana.
Two bi-curious female hookers.
Three ounces of weed.
Four times with two bi-curious female hookers.
Five shots of Jamison.
Six Boddingtons.
Seven supersized with a Coke.
Eight balls of Coke.
Nine hours of gambling.
Ten year old Vietnamese women.
Eleven year old Catholic boys.
Twelve maids a milking.
Thirteen french cut cockrings.
Fourteen more Boddingtons.
Fifteen hour hangover.
Sixteen year Scotch.
Seventeen is legal in New York.
Eighteen is legal everywhere else.
Nineteen in Canada.
Twenty to life.
Blackjack.

Mailmen are funny, I mean, mailpeople. Mailmen is sexist which is a joke upon itself. We used to have this mailman who would come in and say hi but never really even look at us. He’d be like hey and we’d look up, but by that time he’s already turned around and bolted out the door. Yea, thanks guy. Not to mention they always eat at the same places and wear the same clothes. I dunno about you but I would probably flip out and kill people too.

So i’m thinking about how I just got over a case of Poison Ivy the other day. Man that shit rots. Last time I got it at least it was because I was getting a blowjob in the woods while I was camped out on the beach. Every time I looked at it after that I was like, you know what, that bj was worth it. If it was a handjob, prolly not. Anyways the point is I had it before so I identified it fairly quickly. I did my typical re-research and re-learned it’s caused by Urishol on the leaves. (Hey, I forget alot of shit) I must have got Urishol on my jeans while playing cowboys and indians on Fire Island. Ok so fine, we were playing run from the explosives. I didn’t get it til like 2 weeks later too. Next thing I know it’s like BAM! all over my leg. Poison fucking Ivy. Now, in case you haven’t ever had it, this motherfucking shit motherfucking itches like a motherfucking cocksucking motherfucker. So i’m thinking of things that aren’t associated with itching trying not to itch it. Mind over matter. Then it hits me. Let’s use Urishol to have fun. Here is a list of things that Urishol would be fun to put on.

Aerosmith Tickets
Tucks Medicated Pads
Tom’s of Maine Toothpaste
Seats at Nascar Events
Guns
Anything made by Von Dutch

This is only the tip of the iceberg. Put your poison ivy stories and or reccomendations for Urishol placement in the comment section. Or not.

Dear lord
Please give me a blowjob
A sloppy 2 hander
Just this one time
To cure my post drunkenness
If at all possible
Get me some Jolt Cola
Or maybe even a RedBull
And 16 Gallons of water
Because somewhere some Gummy Bears
Are stuck to a windshield
Thats what I feel like

I was thinking about the possibilities for names of kids when Paris Hilton and Paris Latsis get married. They really are endless. Here is what I was thinking..

Carl Junior
Mediawhore
Moneybags McGillicuddy
Nicoleritchiesucks
Iwannabea

These work best if she doesn’t change her name to Latsis.

Suggested entries please! That’s what the fucking comment section is for. You don’t have to register.

We’ll always have Paris.

I was going through my records and am noticing that I haven’t slept with any Playboy quality women. You know those women, the ones that you would gladly eat anything off their fuzzy love mound. Almost always blondes. You know, the ones you wanna take home and show Dad. The ones he used to wack off to. Anyways, I’ve never had one of those. Some that were close maybe. I can name at least 2 blonde strippers before they became strippers (sorry about your sis Skip). Maybe i’ve had a few Slots, Hustler, Lactating Preggo or Penthouse Letters quality, but again, no Playboy. I really gotta work on that. Maybe I should start by offering money. That seems like the first logical step. I think thats probably how Hugh Hefner did it. He’s not exactly Mr. Milky Way (or is it Universe). Meh, I can’t do that directly. It would be like buying a hooker. Hugh has such a bankroll and a mansion it’s like hes just being like a total sugar daddy. That shit seems harmless enough. With me I would go to the back of the paper and talk to as many girls as possible to see if I can find the one that actually sounds like the one in the ad. I suppose she would sound really dumb, but hey what do I know about this. I bet i’d start asking her word problems to see if shes only doing this to way her way through school. “Suzie gives $5 handjobs and $20 blowjobs under the bridge. How many handjobs and blowjobs would she have to give to buy a Dell Inspiron 5000 if her pimp takes 20%? *Cost of mouthwash and hand lotion excluded”. Something like that. I need a smart girl. If she was hooking to get another round of crack or smack I suppose it would be really obvious. And probably alot cheaper.

Actually i’m only dreaming about this. My sexual fantasies are better dreamt about. Who wants to ruin it. What i’m looking for is a girl who knows whats good for her. I mean I don’t want to have to hit her all the time.

I want to say sorry to all my ex’s here. I realized I sent it to at least one of them so I need to put in this apology. You were all beautiful in your own way, just not Playboy magazine quality.

Kids with t-shirts that rhyme with states need to be beat up, shoved in a trunk and dumped somewhere off the Taconic Parkway. Your “Gettin lucky in Kentucky” should be replaced “I fuckin sucky, My mom had sex with her cousin and had me in Kentucky”. That shit is not funny. At least you let the world know that you shop at www.bustedtees.com, the world’s leading source of T-shirt pollution. Seriously, if you want to show how much of a nimrod you are, buy one of these shirts. I need to know who you are before I start talking to you. Instead, you should buy one of my new signature brand state related T-shirts. They are below and of course, all feature a full outline of the state in discussion on the front.

“My brain is the size of a croissant, thats why I live in Vermont.”
“I live in Montana. Yea, right by Lousiana.”
“No one’s rich enough to have tasted champagne up here in Maine.”
“I drive a 1984 rusty piece of shit Toyota in North Dakota.”
“I did double anal to Charles Bronson in Wisconsin.”
“Gettin squamous cell carcinoma in Oklahoma.”

Man I had the weirdest dream last night. It was that my Aunt was a terrorist. The feds were interviewing me on my Aunt and i’m like uhm she’s a nice lady I see her at Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Yea sure, shes weird, she owns a Hostess store and she has 18 cats, whatever. Then the dream cuts to the Hostess store. Now i’m not sure if you out there are familiar with the Hostess store or the actual concept of what a Hostess store is. It’s basically a factory outlet for everything made by the Hostess company (Ho-Ho’s Twinkies, Suzy-Q’s, Ding-Dong’s, Fruit Pies, Snowballs and Donettes) only instead of getting the highest quality at the Hostess store, they give you like the 2-3 week old rejects at like 20% off. What a steal. Not to mention the quality ingredients like “Beef Fat” and “Sodium Caseinate” and “Artificial Flavors”. So anyways back to the story. The feds are going through my Aunts store and i’m standing there watching in horror as they’re accusing my Aunt of being a terrorist. These guys in SWAT team outfits are pulling racks of the food back looking for stuff. I’m sitting there going ok, where are the WMD’s or bombs or whatever terrorists have here. Then it dawns on me. Hostess is the terrorist organization. How else can you explain a company that sells nothing but poison? Then I woke up and took a piss.

If anyone has any Hostess nightmare stories. Please comment.

WTFisn’t there a specific lotion for masturbating? Straight up in the H&BA (Health & Beauty Aides, not Hand & Bone Aides) department of Walgreens or Eckerd or someshit. I mean seriously, this shit aint no secret. 21st century guys beat off with hand lotion, not Vaseline. Personally, I have found that Curel is the best. If I had a dollar for every time my ex was like “Your cock tastes like Curel” I’d be rolling in it. I’d play it off real good too like, “Nawh babe, I was just rolling around in a well lubricated lilac bush with my pants off.”. I have gone unscented since the lilac shenanigans of ‘03, but I was always tempted to use the stuff with CoQ 10 in it. I even picked it up and analyzed it once and then I realized hey CoQ on cock is pretty gay. Plus I think I have sensitive skin down there. Doesn’t everyone? No one wants to use that shit like Jergens and Vaseline intensive care. Everytime I use that shit I get handlotion on the floor and my pants and it’s impossible to get away with. Not to mention it falls down into your taint. My taint is moist enough mmkay. Aveeno is like having sex with a field full of oats and you gotta be careful cause I got the grainy kind once. Major ouch but it had to get done. Neutrogena makes my dick feel unworthy like most women i’m into so I figured it wasn’t the best lube to use for an easy fix. I imagined some super hot Norwegian Blonde that was way too gorgeous for me which was a problem cause then she’d leave me midstroke for some Greek Shipping Heir named Paris.

I guess all i’m trying to say here is make a lube that us men can count on for total handsexual gratification.

Anyone feel free to post your reccomendations for a Handsexual Gratification Aide.

We met on the beach
You washed up on the shore
A love so bold
No one could ignore
And then came the romance
That we always saw
At least then I knew
As I fixed your jaw
The nights by the fire
Couldn’t compare
To the blissful vacation
As I jizzed in your hair
I gave you a bath
As only I could
I lathered with love
And gave you it good
So we decided to marry
And our wedding movie
Was weekend at Bernies
I banged you on the gurney
Oh, and here are the cops
To take me on a journey
So I called my attorney
And everyones learning
That now i’m in jail
And it’s a cryin shame
Cause I never hurt you
While you were alive
I sure am gonna miss toting your dead bloated ass around

Ok so have you ever been in a situation where a certain type of flavored or scented condom could make or break you? I am seriously considering a few things to send to Trojan. Let me explain.

Folgers brand morning after condoms - They smell and taste like coffee to get them bitches up in the morning. I can even think of the proper usage for these. You’re hungover (obviously) and then there comes a time to where you officially need to wake the bitch up to give you head or make her realize that last night was just a ‘fad’ and its basically over. Imagine this scenario. You wake up, girl in your arm. Shes basically made your arm fall asleep and you need to do something quick. You reach in your pocket and pull out a Folgers brand. Follow me here, just like the commercial. You tear it open and HEADS START ROLLING. You could wake a grizzly from December hibernation with this shit. She wakes up and heres the kicker. It tastes like coffee and has caffeine. What else could she do but lick it like an Astro-pop. Depending on how big you are it could be like one of those blue/white/red pops but anyways I digress, you know how big I am and you know how people eat those. The only downside is you might get caught with a condom in your mouth or sucking your own dick. Neither of which would really be ‘good’ for most intents and purposes.

Hellmans brand lunchtime condoms - These are limited usage. Kinda like when you need to spread labia with the color, texture and size of sliced roast beef. Hey, everyone needs some kind of spread.

Simple green self disenfecting condoms - Well, I guess if you have sex with dirty hippies this could be cool. It shows you care about the environment and your penis. How thoughtful.

Bacon flavored condoms - Not that you need something extra to give a fat whore, but, this could come in handy if you’re into dogs or something. Also available as Beggin Strip Condoms.

Mentadent with whitening condoms - This is my favorite and let me tell you why. You can have 2 of these and ensure yourself 2 blowjobs as long as the girl sleeps over. I spose it would work for guys too for all my gay fans. Everyone knows how people have toothbrush problems. OMG I can’t use your toothbrush, it’s YOURS. Oh well if you want to brush your teeth let me put on this Mentadent condom and you can go to town. Sounds great right? I went a step further. The toothpaste doesn’t come out until after you blow your load. No one likes to brush with an empty toothbrush. Game, set, match. Gotta love brushing at night and the morning too! Don’t leave my house with a dirty mouth!

Maybe I got something here.

This is the official blog of bvllets, bullets, poolside, bullside, bullseye and pellets. Yes, thats me. Come in. Stay awhile. Stay forever!