I’m here to tell you that our favorite Police Academian, Steve Guttenberg is dead. Our sympathies go out to his family and friends.

Wait no, scrap that. He’s just a really good actor.

But seriously, just tell someone that Steve Guttenberg died today. If they tell one person then you’ve done your job for the day.

A word needs to be said about Duerags.

Their practicality as headwear apparel speaks for itself, I’d really like to talk about something else. I’d like to exclaim vehemently how when I see someone wearing a Duerag, how I am so proud of that person. Its that feeling you get, when you’re like “I’m just so incredibly glad that person is the same species as I am”. You stop short of walking up and hugging them for fear of contracting cultural syphilis, though.

Is Jameson Whiskey. My friend mit3 told me that.

Too bad they don’t make bullion.

Some of my friends and I go out to the woods in Northeast Pennsylvania by the Delaware Water Gap to fish and professionally drink. We may or may not eat mushrooms. Even i’m not totally sure on that one. A day of sitting around that area leads one to wonder why we’re not seeing Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) all over the place. There has to be an explanation because everyone knows how substantial the Bigfoot population was in the Delaware Water Gap about 10 years ago. We tried to think if it could be politics, economics, human expansion, coyotes or some sort of virus that caused Bigfoot’s decline. 12 beers and 15 marlboros later, mit3 finally threw it out there.

“I think Bigfoot can auto-fellate.”

I didn’t realize how concise that statement was at that moment. I thought to myself, this is must be why we have never seen them in person. Bigfoot has no reason to seek out a Mrs. Bigfoot to plant his seed because he’s having fun getting off by himself. Has anyone ever seen a baby Bigfoot? When he’s not foraging for food or appearing in movies, he simply sits in a soft patch of pinetrees, puts his legs behind his head and blows himself into oblivion. Incidentally, it would also explain the strange noises I hear in the woods at night.

I gotta thank mit3 for the terseness of his statement. It really shined a great light on the dilemma that is the extinction of Bigfoot.

Bill the great is an alcoholic at a place we go to. The question is… where is he from? Riverside? Long Island City? no.. well maybe, but what about Cennunctah? South Philly? The truth is he is from everywhere, and he wears it on his houndstooth sleeve.

He carries himself with the weight of a Myers bottle of rum and has no regard for his handshake strength. He crushes peoples hands while he cries inside; he’s a lawyer. Some kind of legit real-estate lawyer. He obviously knows what he’s doing.. thats evident.. by day. By night, the clouds part, the sun recesses and things become bi-dimensional. You genuinely feel like you have something to learn from this man, but all you can render is “Wow, what a complete waste of carbon”. Let’s sample an actual conversation with the magnet.

Bill - Hurrsbs wherueue from?

Party - We’re from Buffalo, originally Buffalo.

Bill - BAFFILO. *rigorous handshake (2nd instance)* THEY GOT THE CHICKEN. I bet a buffalo would brahhhahrihiharha

Party - Really? *looks at a companion* You’re right about that, poultry is our main beef.

Bill - Beeaf? You meant like Beaf?

Party - Yeah, where exactly are you from?

Bill - RIVERRRSIDDDDDEEEEEEEE, off teh queen-e-bkln-st. I HATE A HOUSE. Sinatra, ITS NOT JUST A STREET IN EASTERN MAINE.

Party - Awwwww man, that is CUH-RAY-ZEE. I’m gonna go have a quick smoke, don’t follow me.

Bill - Crazay? I used to breed cantelopes in Jewrheuaselm for tannins.

Party - I don’t know what to think but can we have some space?

{ stage direction : bill stumbles in place like a down syndrome patient with a concussion }

Bill - WHERE AM I FROM? *attempts to handshake*

Party - *politely avoids handshake* Riverside, I think. But what are you doing here, riverside is so far away?

Bill - Sebatical. I’m a lawyer, i know people.

Party - People? I’m confused. People of the earth or otherwise?

Bill - NaAh theywer freum Stanten isllands.

Party - I don’t know if I can handle this pain

Bill - I ;M FREUSM RIVERSAIDE *crushing handshake*

Party - Yo I know. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bill - MYEArs Ruem. I’m a lauwyear frueam Seaside. Are you a n Asshoel?

{ stage: bill looks at the bartender as if she/he just traded his first born for a cornish hen }

Bill - STAY WITH YOUR FREINDS

Party - My friends pretty much stay with me. I’ve never had an instance of a friend running off, especially when i’m talking with you.

Bill - arGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ‘RE IM FROM *missed handshake*

Party - Bill i don’t know what you’re after, but i’m not sellin’ it.

{ *third eye blind comes on }

{ *bouncer rumbles over to disrupt bills’ tirade }

Party - Looks like its the end of the road for ya’ Bill…

Bill - Fieurget yousassses. DONEY U KNOEW WHwaure i’em frueam? Steamside!

Party - You have alot of knowledge, some of it is here, some of it is there, but I want it all; away from me.

Bill - *starts to cry*

{this is where shit gets for REAL}

Party - Listen man, its cool — i’m just here chatting with you, we’re talkin bullshit, but you have alot to say.

Bill - ARhghh FERIINS stifck with it or else. If yuuu — THAT AIN”T RUNM

Party - oh man, this dood is all sorts of done

Bill - Buhh..

{bouncer slowly clothlines bill, in a loving manner, and escorts him towards 14th street}

Party - What a fucking terd bergler.

So that’s how the bill saga ends.

…until we see him again for the first time, at the bar, 2 days after tomarrow.

Ode to a hangover, Part B, Revision 11, Clause 89c.

Tortilla chips are difficult to eat,
sometimes i miss.
But everytime, behind me is something I don’t care to look at.
You go to grab stuff, and you straight up wiff.
To the victor go the diamond chitlins.

Recently there have been a wave of fraudulent scams across the greater east coast. Don’t fall victim to these.. these scams are not real. If you’re gonna be a clueless chode-wrangler.. at least get youself involved with a real scam.. something like the ever solid Amway.

As an aside.. don’t be a tool, cover your mule..

Picture this:

Its 8:00AM, You’ve gone and had yourself a night of beef laden snack treats the night before, you’re now on your way to work thinking to yourself, “Jeez, I wish I could just take a couple hours off and maybe just shit and sleep.” Well I’m here to tell you, you can have your pie and bang it too. With just a few simple instructions and procedures to follow, you sir can master the art… of the shitter nap.

Shitcan Napping Clause(s) & Procedure(s) for Optimal Shitcan Napping:

I think you’ll find these short, but easy guidelines helpful as you enter into the exciting and amazingly neccesary world of shit-can napping.

God speed.