If you’re an unemployed hooker and you’re looking to go to a new madam, I’ll bet you don’t ask if they have any openings that they need to fill.

You probably don’t ask if they have any positions available either.

I recently got some Percocets for a lovely injury that I sustained. I can’t really walk, but don’t worry I stole a wheelchair from the hospital. Percocets are great but sometimes other people want to eat them. I need them. That’s why I stuck a few in my nose and then blew them back into the container in front of everyone.

Yeap, they’re all still there.

So today I was reading a story about how Youssif, a 5 year olf Iraqi boy was burned by some masked men in Iraq. CNN.com says he is recovering here in America and is learning English. It’s really a sad story. I felt like cheering him up so I wrote in the comments “Someone get this kid some hookers” and pressed submit. It was as that time that I immediately thought, what the hell is wrong with me? How can I be so ignorant? I gotta think before I press that submit button.

Everyone knows that hookers his age are called prostitots.

I never understood how you could arrest someone for graffitiing a drawbridge.

They really need to clarify these things with terrible names.

It’s a proven wikipedia fact that for centuries men have wanted to have sex with limbless women who wear prosthetics. Revolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I present to you my newest, most disabled idea yet.

Prosthitutes

Now disabled amputees and disasters are available to the public for paid sex, guaranteed to be there as fast as they can. Judging from the legless woman in the commercial that was running a marathon, i’d say pretty fast. Don’t be fooled by fake tits or transexual, those aren’t prosthetics. I’m sure you don’t have alot to say but, our slogan is “Get ‘em there, rip it off, get it on.”

Give us a call 1-800-FAKE-LEG.

This song is one that you probably know. It’s an oldies song and I really didn’t know what they meant. I kept asking myself, too late for what? Turns out it was actually too late to take the song seriously after you imagined it being a song about a fart. Check the lyrics.

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There’s something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing, or maybe we’ve stopped trying

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy, and I feel like a fool

Download the song and listen to it now. It’s really too late.

I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.

00:10 < +dh-> I saw the movie the happening today.
00:10 < +bvllets> i bet it sucks.
00:10 < +dh-> spot on.
00:11 < +bvllets> funny cause i knew another gay dude going to see his flick today.
00:11 < +bvllets> is shamalayan a fagmagnet?
00:11 < +bvllets> ie fagmag?
00:12 < +bvllets> wait, is his name spelled sham lay a man?
00:12 < +bvllets> either way i don’t want to see it.

What else is IRC good for?

I’m glad my job isn’t to sort magazines by title. I’d totally put “Teen Beat” in the wrong section.

I never understood why people ate their boogers; then I did cocaine.

Tomorrow i’m going on a fishing trip to the old Adirondacks mountains. Went to the store to get some Off bug spray. Ended up walking out with a dual pack of Raid bug killer. I don’t just want to repel them, I want to kill them. Plus it was cheaper.

Can you say win/win?

Yeah, I’m too cool to add something to Urban Dictonary. Maybe because it’s full of people using submissions to insinuate that their notfriends are gay through made up words? The internet is so full of love. At any rate, I have a submission.

Molet – Moles that have hair long enough to make macgyver’s hair look like imperfection.

“Look at that fucking molet on that dudes back!”

From me, the person who brought you such great games as Master Beaters and Pancreas Hammer, comes another game that is fun for the whole family (yes, even the dog). The overwhelming response has led me to divulge one of my personal favorite games. Get ready to play.

Ingredients:
1 Dartboard
3 Steel or Uranium Tipped Darts
2 Real Assholes
1 Semi-Asshole to Judge
1 Classic Elian Gonzales Picture (optional)

Directions:
Get a dartboard and at least 3 nice darts. Get the really nice darts because you’re going to need quality as you sequentially wreck them. Mount the dartboard on a wall with at least 10 feet of clearance on either side. 10 feet of left-right clearance even 10 feet from the wall. Get some space. When mounting the board, brick walls are preferred because you can wreck the wall trying to hang it and wreck the darts when you miss the board. It’s what we call a real “twofer”. Now that you sold your apartment to buy an abandoned brick-lined warehouse specifically to play this game, you’re ready to play this game.

ATF Darts is just like playing any of your regular dart games, but you need to do an ATF style move before you throw the dart. You might wonder what an ATF style move is, but as per the manual, it reads like this.

Official ATF style moves:
Forward somersault
360 degree turn around an door frame
Wearing really dark sunglasses
Making a huge alcohol, tobacco or firearm bust (in the same room)
Breaking down a door with one of those log shaped door slammer things
Working for the government in a manner that might make one think you’re an ATF agent

These moves don’t necessarily have to be real. You can act them out. The only thing that is important is you’re having a good time. Not to mention, this game is all about being safe. The winner is the one who wins whatever game you were playing. That’s the hard way to play. We usually just play until someone hits the dartboard.

I really like this game because I like throwing darts and pretending that I’m an ATF agent.

If you end up playing, let me know. If you end up hitting someone with a dart, let me know that too. Comments are open.

If you’re ever in a grocery store and you’re bored, go over to a banana and scratch “fuck me” in it.

Matter of fact, it’ll probably get sold before the others.

Since the water isn’t clear, and the masonry is genuinely appreciated; I think i’ll revolutionize the Boston entertainment region with my “World Famous Brick Bottom Boat Tours.” Guaranteed to grout your heart out, these “World Famous Brick Bottom Boat Tours” are known for their hospitality and building materialism. This was my idea in case you thought different. We all know that looking into the ocean is only so dynamic and fun. During a recent glass bottom boat tour, I did what I always do and think about how I could be spending my time more wisely. Then it hit me like a sack of bricks; bricks. Bricks are fucking dope. What about a brick bottom boat tour?

And there you have it.

Taken from a recent article in a New Jersey newspaper.

Arvada bandits disguise faces with thong panties
“Police in Arvada are searching for two robbers who took their disguise to a whole new fashion level–the pair held up a convenience store while wearing thong panties as masks.”

I wish I was able to cover this story so I could call them a couple of snatchers.

I’m at a party and this guy says he’s a “Psychic” for Fortune 500 companies. I wish I could remember where I put his card but he predicted to me verbally that I would lose it. Like everything else I touched, I lost it. It’s out of my hands now.

I’ve decided to go after that exact guy’s job. My job as going to sleep for a shift in a bed at those same Fortune 500 Companies with the new title “Reality Assurance Guy”. Wait no, “Director Vice President of Wake The Fuck Up Because I Changed Your Mind About Something That Wasn’t Important Because You Been Had, So I Will Just Keep The Money My Cellphone Number is 222-FUCK-YOU, Call Me”. That will work as a good safe job title and of course it’s easy to remember.

I’ll mail you my napkin paper resume. At some point at least I need to figure out how to load my Canon Bubblejet BJ100 with Napkin Paper. If you have it in 8.5 x 11 with a picnic type print put it on E-Bay and i’ll buy it now.

Thanks dude.

I was thinking of getting the Wiifit game but due to gas prices being so high, I couldn’t afford it.

I got the Wiifat instead. It’s a video game about eating food. You eat food and it plays itself. I’ve gained 38 lbs since Monday. Word up.

Shit is tons better than Sit Sit Revolution and you don’t even need to buy the Sitpad.

I guess you need to smoke cigarettes like a crack pipe to let you know you might be addicted to nicotine.

Hit that tobacco hell yeah.

I’m sure that smoking joints like they’re camels isn’t like saying you’re not addicted to nicotine either.

Don’t get me wrong. All’s fair in love and war.

I heard that if you get caught smoking weed in Iran, they cut your lungs out.

That’s just what I heard tho. Oh, and if you get caught hearing things, they will cut your ears off.