I never understood how you could arrest someone for graffitiing a “draw”bridge.

They really need to clarify these things with terrible names.

It’s a proven wikipedia fact that for centuries men have wanted to have sex with limbless women who wear prosthetics. Revolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I present to you my newest, most disabled idea yet.

Prosthitutes

Now disabled amputees and disasters are available to the public for paid sex, guaranteed to be there as fast as they can. Judging from the legless woman in the commercial that was running a marathon, i’d say pretty fast. Don’t be fooled by fake tits or transexual, those aren’t prosthetics. I’m sure you don’t have alot to say but, our slogan is “Get ‘em there, rip it off, get it on.”

Give us a call 1-800-FAKE-LEG.

This song is one that you probably know. It’s an oldies song and I really didn’t know what they meant. I kept asking myself, too late for what? Turns out it was actually too late to take the song seriously after you imagined it being a song about a fart. Check the lyrics.

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There’s something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing, or maybe we’ve stopped trying

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy, and I feel like a fool

Download the song and listen to it now. It’s really too late.

I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.

00:10 < +dh-> I saw the movie the happening today.
00:10 < +bvllets> i bet it sucks.
00:10 < +dh-> spot on.
00:11 < +bvllets> funny cause i knew another gay dude going to see his flick today.
00:11 < +bvllets> is shamalayan a fagmagnet?
00:11 < +bvllets> ie fagmag?
00:12 < +bvllets> wait, is his name spelled sham lay a man?
00:12 < +bvllets> either way i don’t want to see it.

What else is IRC good for?

I’m glad my job isn’t to sort magazines by title. I’d totally put “Teen Beat” in the wrong section.

I never understood why people ate their boogers; then I did cocaine.

Tomorrow i’m going on a fishing trip to the old Adirondacks mountains. Went to the store to get some Off bug spray. Ended up walking out with a dual pack of Raid bug killer. I don’t just want to repel them, I want to kill them. Plus it was cheaper.

Can you say win/win?

Yeah, I’m too cool to add something to Urban Dictonary. Maybe because it’s full of people using submissions to insinuate that their notfriends are gay through made up words? The internet is so full of love. At any rate, I have a submission.

Molet - Moles that have hair long enough to make macgyver’s hair look like imperfection.

“Look at that fucking molet on that dudes back!”

From me, the person who brought you such great games as Master Beaters and Pancreas Hammer, comes another game that is fun for the whole family (yes, even the dog). The overwhelming response has led me to divulge one of my personal favorite games. Get ready to play.

Ingredients:
1 Dartboard
3 Steel or Uranium Tipped Darts
2 Real Assholes
1 Semi-Asshole to Judge
1 Classic Elian Gonzales Picture (optional)

Directions:
Get a dartboard and at least 3 nice darts. Get the really nice darts because you’re going to need quality as you sequentially wreck them. Mount the dartboard on a wall with at least 10 feet of clearance on either side. 10 feet of left-right clearance even 10 feet from the wall. Get some space. When mounting the board, brick walls are preferred because you can wreck the wall trying to hang it and wreck the darts when you miss the board. It’s what we call a real “twofer”. Now that you sold your apartment to buy an abandoned brick-lined warehouse specifically to play this game, you’re ready to play this game.

ATF Darts is just like playing any of your regular dart games, but you need to do an ATF style move before you throw the dart. You might wonder what an ATF style move is, but as per the manual, it reads like this.

Official ATF style moves:
Forward somersault
360 degree turn around an door frame
Wearing really dark sunglasses
Making a huge alcohol, tobacco or firearm bust (in the same room)
Breaking down a door with one of those log shaped door slammer things
Working for the government in a manner that might make one think you’re an ATF agent

These moves don’t necessarily have to be real. You can act them out. The only thing that is important is you’re having a good time. Not to mention, this game is all about being safe. The winner is the one who wins whatever game you were playing. That’s the hard way to play. We usually just play until someone hits the dartboard.

I really like this game because I like throwing darts and pretending that I’m an ATF agent.

If you end up playing, let me know. If you end up hitting someone with a dart, let me know that too. Comments are open.

If you’re ever in a grocery store and you’re bored, go over to a banana and scratch “fuck me” in it.

Matter of fact, it’ll probably get sold before the others.

Since the water isn’t clear, and the masonry is genuinely appreciated; I think i’ll revolutionize the Boston entertainment region with my “World Famous Brick Bottom Boat Tours.” Guaranteed to grout your heart out, these “World Famous Brick Bottom Boat Tours” are known for their hospitality and building materialism. This was my idea in case you thought different. We all know that looking into the ocean is only so dynamic and fun. During a recent glass bottom boat tour, I did what I always do and think about how I could be spending my time more wisely. Then it hit me like a sack of bricks; bricks. Bricks are fucking dope. What about a brick bottom boat tour?

And there you have it.

Taken from a recent article in a New Jersey newspaper.

Arvada bandits disguise faces with thong panties
“Police in Arvada are searching for two robbers who took their disguise to a whole new fashion level–the pair held up a convenience store while wearing thong panties as masks.”

I wish I was able to cover this story so I could call them a couple of snatchers.

I’m at a party and this guy says he’s a “Psychic” for Fortune 500 companies. I wish I could remember where I put his card but he predicted to me verbally that I would lose it. Like everything else I touched, I lost it. It’s out of my hands now.

I’ve decided to go after that exact guy’s job. My job as going to sleep for a shift in a bed at those same Fortune 500 Companies with the new title “Reality Assurance Guy”. Wait no, “Director Vice President of Wake The Fuck Up Because I Changed Your Mind About Something That Wasn’t Important Because You Been Had, So I Will Just Keep The Money My Cellphone Number is 222-FUCK-YOU, Call Me”. That will work as a good safe job title and of course it’s easy to remember.

I’ll mail you my napkin paper resume. At some point at least I need to figure out how to load my Canon Bubblejet BJ100 with Napkin Paper. If you have it in 8.5 x 11 with a picnic type print put it on E-Bay and i’ll buy it now.

Thanks dude.

I was thinking of getting the Wiifit game but due to gas prices being so high, I couldn’t afford it.

I got the Wiifat instead. It’s a video game about eating food. You eat food and it plays itself. I’ve gained 38 lbs since Monday. Word up.

Shit is tons better than Sit Sit Revolution and you don’t even need to buy the Sitpad.

I guess you need to smoke cigarettes like a crack pipe to let you know you might be addicted to nicotine.

Hit that tobacco hell yeah.

I’m sure that smoking joints like they’re camels isn’t like saying you’re not addicted to nicotine either.

Don’t get me wrong. All’s fair in love and war.

I heard that if you get caught smoking weed in Iran, they cut your lungs out.

That’s just what I heard tho. Oh, and if you get caught hearing things, they will cut your ears off.

I recently saw a sign in my neighborhood that was for a security system. It was installed on a neighbors house so just out of fear I decided to get one put in my house. You can’t ever be too protective of your property, especially your paper towel collection (my paper towel collection).

The security company looked familiar. That company was ADD Security. I’ll never forget my first phone call with them.

Operator - Thanks for calling ADD Security. How can I help you?

Me - I’d like to have a security system installed.

Operator - That’s great where do you live?

Me - 123 Fake Street, NY, NY USA.

Operator - Cool, is there anything I can help you with?

Me - Yes, I need a security system installed at my house 123 Fake Street, NY,NY USA.

Operator - I forgot what you just said, what did you need again?

After about 10 minutes of this same loop I got him to put my address in the system and a security consultant came over to my house. He showed up and I went over my house and he was tenderly studying all the details of my humble abode. After approximately 7 times of him asking what my name was, he followed it up with “Isn’t it a gorgeous day out?”. I told him to just install the fucking thing and said i’d be on the couch if he needed me. He was eager to do it but he needed to know exactly what thing I was talking about. I pointed to his truck and he told me that it was his truck. I pointed 4 times more at the logo on his truck and he told me that it was his work.

Me - I know dude. Do your job, on my house.

Security Consultant - Ohhhhhh. Yeah ok. It’s a nice day out isn’t it?

He quickly got to work, but then promptly stopped to ask me what I thought of the weather outside. I locked myself in the bathroom until he slipped an invoice under the door. I signed it with some of my roommates guyliner (eyeliner for guys), he left and I hoped for the best. The best meaning that no one breaks into my house or if they do, I know that the police are immediately summoned. It’s a modest wish that a security company can do this for you. ADD Security didn’t think so. I left for work and about 20 minutes later I received a call to tell me something was happening at my house. Let me just patch this phone call through.

Phone Representative - Hello bvllets. We are calling to let you know that something is happening at your house and that I think we called someone and it’s probably all taken care of.

Me - Uhm, what do you mean somethings happening at my house? Do you know what it is?

Phone Representative - Somethings happening at your house? Are you having a party?

Me - No, there’s no party. I’m at work and you called me to tell me something is happening at my house. What exactly is happening at my house?

Phone Representative - Are you sure you don’t have a wrong number?

Me - What? You called me! Please let me know what’s happening at my house! Is there an indruder or something?

Phone Representative - I love that movie. Or maybe it wasn’t called The Intruder. Maybe i’m thinking about something else.

At this point i’m furious so I hang up and I call the cops myself. I told them that something is going on at my house and that ADD Security may have contacted them regarding it. They tell me that someone called them from ADD security and that they wanted to know if anyone wanted to go ride bikes. I told the police my name and address and they said that they would call me back when they got to my house. About 10 minutes later I got a call from the police telling me that the security system was triggered but only due to the fact that they installed it on the front screen door to my 6 unit apartment complex.

Believe me, I won’t ever be needing their services ever again.

I guess the reason I didn’t really like the movie The Fly is because I didn’t see him once on a pile of shit.

If you’re gonna name your daughter that, she should at be composed of a leash with keys.

At least they got Alicia Dogs right.