If you prefer defecation to feel like you just passed a cactus, then yes, eat the whole sunflower seed.

I often wonder if the best solitaire player ever was asexual.

Maybe it’s me but I keep seeing these movies about back doors. Today at the library I saw “My Back Door is Open” and “Back Door MILFs” in the same row of movies. Alphabetically I’m sure it’s correct but…

Why doesn’t somebody fix the fucking front fucking door for these fucking sluts? Hello?

Master P’s Theatre?

Would be hilarious. Imagine watching “I Got the Hook Up” and “I’m Bout’ It” on PBS.

Eventually, Master P he would finish those unfinished movie projects like “I’m ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All About ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All ‘Bout Bein’ ‘Bout My Latest Movie About Being ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It” and “Bouters 7 - What’sis all’Bout Again?”.

I guess this probably won’t ever happen. Hollywood racism is alive and well. How rude.

My girlfriend is amazing. She doesn’t tell me what to do but today she told me not to do something. I sort of listened.

She told me not to cheat on her. I kept sort of listening but there was this piece of dirt on the ground that looked like a squirrel. I tried to frame the squirrel with my hands and eyes as if I was some sort of artsy artist. It was a masterpiece in my mind. I guess that like art it was impossible to describe in words. Thinking back I can only tell you that it was an awesome piece of dirt. What did I do? She looked at me and I grabbed the piece of dirt and told her it was a squirrel. A really abstract squirrel. It looked like a piece of dirt. It was a piece of dirt. I was busted. I went back to the original conversation.

“I’ve never been able to cheat on anyone when I didn’t know the answers. Wait, is this a fucking test?”

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Got a big problem with a monkey on my back. Normally that’s a bad thing but he’s a monkey chiropractor so i’m really loose… Monkey loose.

It’s like chasing a really slow dragon.

Saw a homeless guy asking for change in the subway tonight. Gave him the deed to a 40.7 million dollar 40 acre home in Montauk. He gave it back, said he just wanted change.

I guess you really can’t make people change.

I was watching TV last night and a commercial came on that started out with “Think it’s too late to get more life insurance?”. I thought this was pretty stupid considering it was already 10:45 PM.

They really should work on ad placement more.

I’m not sure if that’s funny or really deep.

Here’s to ya dogg.

I’ve been playing this stupid shit called My Brute lately. It’s pretty fucking stupid but I don’t have to do anything but show up. That works for me. Anyways, they have all these special powers that you can get as you go up a level but one really struck me as being a bit off. Let me show it to you.

Funny name they have for it, because I thought it was cockswordsmanship. The description doesn’t help defend that it isn’t. It actually makes it much more perverted if anything. Instead of thinking i’m actually Implacable, click on the picture to challenge me. Good luck.

I just found out Astroglide is illegal in Alabama. I really never thought i’d see the day where Ironing, Dentistry and Astroglide were on the same list. To tell you the truth, I’m not actually sure if I was looking for that.

Ironing is also known down there as “faggin’ your fag clothes” in case you were confused.

I didn’t realize how awesome the Science Channel is. I mean, I always loved the Hydrogen Peroxide show. That was the best show ever about what happens to things when you put Hydrogen Peroxide on them. I didn’t know if got better than that. It certainly does.

I just saw this show called “What’s Bigger?”. This episode figured out what’s bigger, Clay Aikens clitoris or the side of a Sacajawea coin. I’d tell you the answer, but I shouldn’t. It wasn’t the Sacajawea. And they didn’t even stimulate him beforehand!

I’ll be recording this show from now on. Not to spoil it, but the next episode is Don Cheadle’s nostril hole versus an average brazil nut!

I don’t know if this is correct, but if I had to guess, Couscous is Moroccan for “pasta all over the floor”.

So, God Bless technology because they finally make Antimicrobial Staplers now.

I bought one but since I don’t ever have paper, I just wash my hands with it.

Today in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse to Ulysses S. Grant to put a final end to the most epic battle in American History. I find it only appropriate that on the exact day that the Civil War ended, I find a real asshole that perpetuates racism. Not only is this guy an asshole, he’s a fish. Well, i’m not sure if it a guy fish or a girl fish but whatever, it’s a racist fucking fish.

Don’t believe me that a fish can be racist? Take a look at this son of a bitch.

Go ahead, try and keep that N-word down. I’ve never hoped for extinction of a species in my life, except for now. Listen up Mr. Hawaiian Niger Trigger, there is no room for racists in todays society. If that wasn’t the case, the Civil War wouldn’t have ever ended. Think about it.

I’m exposing you Mr. Racist Fish. Those “N-words” as you make people say them, or as i’ll call them here in a legal sort of way, “Racees”, have proven they’re here to stay. Welcome to your own “Civil” war buddy. If there is anything that racism has taught us, it’s that we shouldn’t have tolerance for people (or fish) that aren’t not racist.

No, but seriously, they should change that fish’s name. It’s just too easy to slip up in the wrong company and get your white ass kicked by mispronouncing a fish. Damn smart ass Ichthyologists.

Is it true that a female Grizzly Bear has a Grizzly vagina?

Bald? Like to wear hoods? Wear a hoopee!!

The best hood and toupee mashup on the market. Combining the prowess of a toupee and the cover of a hooded sweatshirt will make you cool with the ladies. Just ask the whole city of Rochester, NY.

One time only sale; 29.99.

What is most overlooked about the biological clock, is probably the bomb that is wired to said clock.

Biological time bomb is more like it.

I’m sorry Metallica. I fucked up your lyrics again.

Lyrically “I love to nail your Netherlands” can’t possibly be right. Enter Sandman isn’t even remotely Dutch.