I got the Hamburger Slammer catalog today (I think it’s like Hammacher Schlemmer, but my version is more fun), which is full of all those neat inventions that you will buy and immediately regret and retire to your closet/shed/ebay. Well, either you retire them or you break them as soon as you get them.

I don’t really see the difference between that and the Skymall catalog, but as one wise friend informed me, airplanes, specifically American Airlines are probably a factor. There are a million things in this catalog, literally. They have everything from invisible dog fences to pearl necklace removers to invisible jetskis that are capable of working in large scale lakes made of kool-aid. I got about 6 pages in before I got to something I thought might be useful. Maybe not to me, but to someone.

The Original Shovelscooper

Do you live in a place where it snows and you need to move that snow? Do you have a dog that shits on the ground? Our creative scientist laboratory inventor people have gone back in time to come up with an invention that already exists and figured out that you can actually use it for multiple things. Yes, that’s right you can shovel snow and pick up dog shit with this amazing Shovelscooper. Made of pure stainless dan steel, this steely dan made shovelscooper will never be “reelin in the years” doin that “dirty work” that used to take twice as long. Don’t be fooled by imitators, this is the original imitation Shovelscooper.

*Not to be used for stones, gravel, grain, dead babies, ash, dead baby ashes or as a living room baseball bat. See p.21 – so says the catalog. I say go for it.

Calvin went on a trip to Brussels in Belgium. He sent me a picture.

Looks like he’s having a great time.

Michael Vick? Michael Dick is more like it. I seriously hope he gets jailtime.

The other day I was minding my business on the bus and noticed a storage companys logo. It wouldn’t have meant much even 6 months ago but now all I can see is one thing. A dick, in a box.

Great Logo. Thanks to Storage Deluxe for the ROFFLES. Hopefully they won’t get mad.

p.s. – They talk about their storage spaces on the site as “units”. There is a special section on “picking a unit size”. The fun just don’t stop with Storage Deluxe.

I would imagine they really do.

Have you ever had Grandma Sickness? Whether it’s the smell of mothballs or dull accompaniment we have the solution.

Yes that’s right, Gramamine is made for before you get sick at Grandmas. Take two and call me in the morning.

This is in no way affiliated with Gram ‘a’ mine, the drug that lets you do your friends coke.

The Real Rice Krispies.

The Real Cocoa Krispies.

No lie. This is how they intended it.

New from KFC, the Chicken Choker! If you can’t choke it, it ain’t Chicken.

Whoops.

Seriously this shit is pretty fucked up. Hide your Pugs from gay men.

If you missed the joke, click here.

This is kinda self explanatory. Feel free to comment.

Rosetta Stone has to be the most helpful language recognition software that is out there. After years of trying to understand my cat, I finally broke down and bought Rosetta Stone for Meows (Cat) .

After a few lessons, I started to understand what my cat was saying, vaguely. He sounded different. I wasn’t sure why until I went to “ICanHasCheeseburger.com”. The pictures of the cats had text that didn’t look translated properly. Either that or that they are horribly retarded. I went back to Rosetta Stone for Cats and noticed that it was all wrong.Take a look.

Lulz M Clean now? That doesn’t even make sense. I plugged this puppy(kitty) into Rosetta Stone and this is what came out.

Yeah. This is more like it. You knew he wasn’t mispelling lulz or m and he was still pissed about getting a bath. You know it.

Second prime example. Check it.

You think a cat has ever played Street Fighter? You better think Alley Fighter, maybe, if he’s outdoor. Cat Fighter is also an option. It’s not about where you’re from though, always remember that. This is what mr. cat was really saying

Don’t think that a cat is not on the internet however. Believe it or not, Bordom.net is what he was really saying. It’s a great website and I think you know this (Or maybe not).

But seriously, there are a few more, just to prove my point. Wait in scroll for this one. Scroll now.

I R Like Saten? I am thinking that the person who wrote this was a Satan worshipper, but the fact is, if he was a Satan worshipper, this cat would be in a picture next to this kid in a Deicide shirt on a charred makeshift crucifix behind a set of traintracks in my hometown. Everyone knows that.

Here’s what the cat really meant.

The cat meant nothing but the most sober of thoughts. Isn’t it obvious? The kitteh likes satiny things! Next time you’re gonna take this picture, make sure you get some real satin an save the actor some hardships. You know what he liked cause he asked for it. That and some bagels. Don’t ever forget.

One more example, just for good measure.

Are you serious? Do you think even cats have a translation of thirst? They say meow when they’re thirsty, yeah, but that does not mean they really mean the word thirsty. Look.

Mountain Dew is what they drink. You can probably see that on your own. It doesn’t need to translate that hard because when your cat is home alone, he turns on the tv watches it. Dew the dew dood.

I’m sorry I didn’t find this before. This isn’t just bullshit. It’s for real.

Got any real cat translations? Put your ideas in the comment section. I’m here to teach you.

I don’t know about you guys, but there is nothing I look forward to more than “Shark Week”. Nevermind, I take that back. I get really excited about “Giraffe Week”.

I don’t know about you guys, but there is nothing I look forward to more than “Giraffe Week”. Nevermind, I take that back. I get really excited about “Giraffe Month”.

Music is so hip I started managing acts. I think I have the newest Rap act this side of the street.

INTRODUCING THE RAP SCALLIONS!!!

They are the new Beatles I swear. Vegetables are the new insects.

Here it is folks. March Madness in the form of the NAACP Final Four. Below is the downloadable PDF (Click the image)

JPG Alternative here

In the comment section, make your speculation of the tournament and especially who you think will win. Don’t forget to put your email address because I will be giving a prize to the winner. YOU MUST PICK ONLY ONE WINNER. That doesn’t mean you cant pick favorites as well.

May the best win.