Let’s say you’re at a bar and you’re hungry for something that isn’t a complete meal, or as they call it, an “Appetizer”. As a general rule, I don’t eat something that is described as something that is going to activate my more hungry buttons. No, I am not trying to cheap out of the dinner menu, I’m just trying to half-satiate myself as I continue to get more drunk.

This is where Poppers come in.

Jalapeno Poppers are really a great go-to appetizer for your average beer drinking deep-fried food fan. I tend to fall into that category, but that doesn’t mean I don’t strive for something better. I want to make something better.

How?

I started with the base of the popper and that seemed to be cheese. I decided to scrap that idea and think that it was about jalapenos. The name gave me some hints at that. So now that I knew about the jalapenos, I could research the popper part. There must be something about a jalapeno that means you can popper it. It popped in my mind instantly. Poppers are small. Now that I have established what poppers should be, it was time to create what poppers could be.

Corn? Hamsters? Nope. Cherries.

Everyone loves popping a cherry. That’s why i’ve brought you my new deep fried Cherry Poppers. These are the first cherries that you can pop with your mouth. I guarantee you can’t pop a cherry with your mouth. Unless of course you’re popping one of my Cherry Poppers.

I’ll never forget my first time. Or any other time for that matter.

We’re working on a to go pack so that you can pop cherries wherever you want. We’re going to call them Travelin’ Wilcherries. Next time you wanna pop a cherry in your moms kitchen or in a gas station bathroom, we’ll have you covered.

Until next time, keep poppin’ them cherries.

I’d assume it’s that.

I don’t know. I imagine this is what Peyote is like.

Maybe I fudged it a little.

Thanks to The Informant for the AccuWeather heads up.

Are you a pillow biter?

Do need to spice up your Cock tail?

Introducing Dr. Bvllets’ Pillow Bitters!*

Never again do you have to suffer from another flat, unsavory pillow biting. Just take a few drops, splash them on the pillow and voila! Dr. Bvllets’ Pillow Bitters* has a pleasant artificial flavor that will compliment nearly any fabric blend pillow cover. Its unique patented tightening formula is suitable and optimal for men, women and fish. No matter what your pleasure, Dr. Bvllets’ Pillow Bitters* has your pillow, covered.

For just $2999.95, you too can have Dr. Bvllets’ Pillow Bitters*. It’s been called the Spanish Fly of Ibiza, which makes sense because Ibiza is in Spain. You don’t have to think too hard about that. So don’t think too hard and drop us a line in the comments. We’ll see what we can drum up for you.

* Not for use anywhere around me.

It’s a proven wikipedia fact that for centuries men have wanted to have sex with limbless women who wear prosthetics. Revolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I present to you my newest, most disabled idea yet.

Prosthitutes

Now disabled amputees and disasters are available to the public for paid sex, guaranteed to be there as fast as they can. Judging from the legless woman in the commercial that was running a marathon, i’d say pretty fast. Don’t be fooled by fake tits or transexual, those aren’t prosthetics. I’m sure you don’t have alot to say but, our slogan is “Get ‘em there, rip it off, get it on.”

Give us a call 1-800-FAKE-LEG.

If you don’t get it, you might want to google “merkin”.

Again, I call them how I see em.

As far as i’m concerned.

First off, this is an ad for Chase Bank and it is at a station in the NYC subway system. You probably can’t read what it says on the right but it is some graffiti. Not your tagging type graffiti which is similar to animals urinating on things to mark their territory. This type of graffiti is basically people trying to show their sharp wit in the form of words. I’ll read to you what it says.

“JUST LIKE A PIMP : Sell your soul to the bank with the biggest advert budget.”

Everyone knows that in order to open up a bank account, you have to sell your soul. That’s probably the most obvious thing here. That’s why it first struck me as being intelligent. Forget that they have the most ATM locations, and that it realistically could save you potentially $20-30 in fees in a month if your check is direct deposited. Since they wrote this on the ad, they obviously did their research to see what their advertisement budget was compared to every other bank. I’m impressed that they could do all this research underground while waiting for a train and get it right. Great work.

Oh yeah, and pimps use banks.

Before you go writing some stupid fucking shit on an ad, at least think of what you’re writing. Before you huff the marker.

Is it me or does Microsoft not know how to spell sink?

Also I haven’t heard shit about Microsoft hand towles or Microsoft liquid sope. I’d imagine the misspelling is rampant given the situation.

Ok so you got these people putting graffiti in the subways. Sometimes they’re witty and sometimes they’re not. Let’s take a look at this one logically.

Oh shit I had no idea that Egg McMuffins caused cancer. I’ve eaten about 100 of them in my life so I better get checked out immediately. That must mean logically that extra large permanent markers with volatile organic compounds are good for you. You are so smart. I’ll have to remember that. Thanks for the tip Mr. Subway Graffiti Writer.

Must be the Ribeye of the Tiger.

You know how it’s Ash Wednesday right? That’s right. This is the day that they take an ashtray of some old smoked up Marlb dust and wipe it on your forehead. This is to signify that you are no better than cigarette ashes in the eyes of God. In addition to this, it also signifies the beginning of Lent which is Latin for “Dad’s finally sober for a reasonable length of time”.

I have an idea that hopefully will revolutionize Ash Wednesday.

The Logod!

Introducing the first Ash Wednesday ash smudging accessory to incorporate the visibility of a major brand with the all knowing power of God! With this particular model, you can let everyone know you love Nike and God! Christina Ricci sure does! She for one won’t let a forehead like that go to waste with an ordinary ash smudge.

And kids, don’t forget to ask for these by name at your local church!

This is actually what i’ve heard through the grapevine.

I know all of you our there are sick of trying to find your dog. Especially when you lose him. I know you can’t be happy with the current methods of tracking your dog because they’re cruel to animals. A tattoo? Get real, that’s cruel. A RFID chip? That is even more cruel! Welcome to the 21st century with the Shepherd Brando Canine Brandin’ Iron.

With our new branded dog branding system, you will never lose your dog. Our patented dog branding irons are significantly different than cow branding irons so you will never accidentally bring a cow home instead of your dog or bring the wrong dog home accidentally that you had mistaken for a cow. Talk about piece of mind.

With Shepherd Brando’s Canine Brandin’ Iron set, we give you 2 iron through pitchin’ iron. So don’t be thinkin’ that you can’t brand a chihuahua and a wolfhound in the same session. You can with the new Shepherd Brando Canine Brandin’ Iron.

If you’re looking for a dog tracking system, email me.

Be sure to donate! They accept new or used!

I know it’s a bit sick, but I encourage you to donate to the real Toys for Tots.

It’s a great cause.

I got the Hamburger Slammer catalog today (I think it’s like Hammacher Schlemmer, but my version is more fun), which is full of all those neat inventions that you will buy and immediately regret and retire to your closet/shed/ebay. Well, either you retire them or you break them as soon as you get them.

I don’t really see the difference between that and the Skymall catalog, but as one wise friend informed me, airplanes, specifically American Airlines are probably a factor. There are a million things in this catalog, literally. They have everything from invisible dog fences to pearl necklace removers to invisible jetskis that are capable of working in large scale lakes made of kool-aid. I got about 6 pages in before I got to something I thought might be useful. Maybe not to me, but to someone.

The Original Shovelscooper

Do you live in a place where it snows and you need to move that snow? Do you have a dog that shits on the ground? Our creative scientist laboratory inventor people have gone back in time to come up with an invention that already exists and figured out that you can actually use it for multiple things. Yes, that’s right you can shovel snow and pick up dog shit with this amazing Shovelscooper. Made of pure stainless dan steel, this steely dan made shovelscooper will never be “reelin in the years” doin that “dirty work” that used to take twice as long. Don’t be fooled by imitators, this is the original imitation Shovelscooper.

*Not to be used for stones, gravel, grain, dead babies, ash, dead baby ashes or as a living room baseball bat. See p.21 - so says the catalog. I say go for it.

Calvin went on a trip to Brussels in Belgium. He sent me a picture.

Looks like he’s having a great time.