I don’t vote because my cat doesn’t tell me who he likes.

Either he’s super private or needs more schooling.

This guy told me that he had a surprise 50th birthday on Friday. I told him that i’d love to believe him but it’s extremely hard to forget when your own birthday is.

Surprise my ass.

Here goes.

I work at a business with limited bathrooms. We all have time to use the bathroom, but sometimes you need to take a really nice shit that will decide to have its own hang time. Since we have limited bathrooms, people will occasionally knock on the door while you’re either in the process of shitting or in the aftermath. This isn’t a fun time, especially when your shit seriously stinks. The biggest problem is that you don’t have any air freshener. You sit in the bathroom waiting to walk out and let them into the bathroom, almost right behind you. As you exit you want to say “Hey don’t go in there”, but you feel it’s in such poor taste because you’re a total pussy. I’ve been in that situation and I know how to get around it.

Get in the bathroom and shit. Try to squeeze and cherish and don’t cut any corners. A knock is coming. First thing you do after a knock is scan the bathroom. Since I said there aren’t any air fresheners, don’t bother looking for them. What you do find though, is soap. The key to masking your scent is in the soap. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar or liquid soap, it’s going to work well enough that you can walk out and pretend it might not have been you. Wet your hands. After you wet you hands, put the bar of soap or a few squirts of some liquid soap in your hands and pretend you’re jerking off your hands with your hands. Once you work your hands fury into a hands lather, spread out your hands and wave them like scent radiating hand fans. Wave your 5 fingers (4 fingers + thumb) x 2 mains around in the air. Wave them in the air and fan around the scent. Put your everywhere hands everywhere. The best move is the pirouette over the toilet with open hands. dont’ be afraid to do the butt-erfly. Either exude the maximum hand scent.

Once you’re finished, put a smile on your face and prepare to leave. As you leave, greet the next person into the bathroom with indifference.

If they ask, proudly tell them the soap took a shit.

Today I was waiting for a train and I saw this girl that literally pushed her way onboard before the other people could get off. She had her headphones on so she didn’t hear the snide comments that came from at least 3 subway exiters. Not cool. Once on the train, I sat down across from her and watched her pull out a copy of “Public Relations for Dummies”. I felt that this was a bit ironic since she didn’t have the wherewithal for common courtesy. I can see she’s really going to go places once she finally gets that PR job.

Then it dawned on me that they were probably all out of “Public Relations for Assholes”.

Asshole.

The best part about playing Grand Theft Auto on my PSP, is that I get to honestly tell people that I shoot cops on the subway.

If the front of my knees tastes anything like the delicious chicken skin it looks like, we’re in trouble.

I will not have ANY FUCKING KNEESKINS.

The other day someone asked me to listen to the exhaust on their car while they revved the engine. They asked me what I thought of it.

I told them it sounded like an “egregious waste of fuel”.

“Fuck yeah! Egregious as all hell!” they said, spending over $200 in gas in the process. Lemme guess, you laughed and cried like I did. But only ’cause you laughed so hard. Like I did.

Gasolols is more like it.

I recently got some Percocets for a lovely injury that I sustained. I can’t really walk, but don’t worry I stole a wheelchair from the hospital. Percocets are great but sometimes other people want to eat them. I need them. That’s why I stuck a few in my nose and then blew them back into the container in front of everyone.

Yeap, they’re all still there.

I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.

00:10 < +dh-> I saw the movie the happening today.
00:10 < +bvllets> i bet it sucks.
00:10 < +dh-> spot on.
00:11 < +bvllets> funny cause i knew another gay dude going to see his flick today.
00:11 < +bvllets> is shamalayan a fagmagnet?
00:11 < +bvllets> ie fagmag?
00:12 < +bvllets> wait, is his name spelled sham lay a man?
00:12 < +bvllets> either way i don’t want to see it.

What else is IRC good for?

I never understood why people ate their boogers; then I did cocaine.

From me, the person who brought you such great games as Master Beaters and Pancreas Hammer, comes another game that is fun for the whole family (yes, even the dog). The overwhelming response has led me to divulge one of my personal favorite games. Get ready to play.

Ingredients:
1 Dartboard
3 Steel or Uranium Tipped Darts
2 Real Assholes
1 Semi-Asshole to Judge
1 Classic Elian Gonzales Picture (optional)

Directions:
Get a dartboard and at least 3 nice darts. Get the really nice darts because you’re going to need quality as you sequentially wreck them. Mount the dartboard on a wall with at least 10 feet of clearance on either side. 10 feet of left-right clearance even 10 feet from the wall. Get some space. When mounting the board, brick walls are preferred because you can wreck the wall trying to hang it and wreck the darts when you miss the board. It’s what we call a real “twofer”. Now that you sold your apartment to buy an abandoned brick-lined warehouse specifically to play this game, you’re ready to play this game.

ATF Darts is just like playing any of your regular dart games, but you need to do an ATF style move before you throw the dart. You might wonder what an ATF style move is, but as per the manual, it reads like this.

Official ATF style moves:
Forward somersault
360 degree turn around an door frame
Wearing really dark sunglasses
Making a huge alcohol, tobacco or firearm bust (in the same room)
Breaking down a door with one of those log shaped door slammer things
Working for the government in a manner that might make one think you’re an ATF agent

These moves don’t necessarily have to be real. You can act them out. The only thing that is important is you’re having a good time. Not to mention, this game is all about being safe. The winner is the one who wins whatever game you were playing. That’s the hard way to play. We usually just play until someone hits the dartboard.

I really like this game because I like throwing darts and pretending that I’m an ATF agent.

If you end up playing, let me know. If you end up hitting someone with a dart, let me know that too. Comments are open.

If you’re ever in a grocery store and you’re bored, go over to a banana and scratch “fuck me” in it.

Matter of fact, it’ll probably get sold before the others.

I’m at a party and this guy says he’s a “Psychic” for Fortune 500 companies. I wish I could remember where I put his card but he predicted to me verbally that I would lose it. Like everything else I touched, I lost it. It’s out of my hands now.

I’ve decided to go after that exact guy’s job. My job as going to sleep for a shift in a bed at those same Fortune 500 Companies with the new title “Reality Assurance Guy”. Wait no, “Director Vice President of Wake The Fuck Up Because I Changed Your Mind About Something That Wasn’t Important Because You Been Had, So I Will Just Keep The Money My Cellphone Number is 222-FUCK-YOU, Call Me”. That will work as a good safe job title and of course it’s easy to remember.

I’ll mail you my napkin paper resume. At some point at least I need to figure out how to load my Canon Bubblejet BJ100 with Napkin Paper. If you have it in 8.5 x 11 with a picnic type print put it on E-Bay and i’ll buy it now.

Thanks dude.

I guess you need to smoke cigarettes like a crack pipe to let you know you might be addicted to nicotine.

Hit that tobacco hell yeah.

I’m sure that smoking joints like they’re camels isn’t like saying you’re not addicted to nicotine either.

Don’t get me wrong. All’s fair in love and war.

You ever hear one of those songs that you know the lyrics to and you end up singing it, but you have no idea how you know them?

Actually from commercials for Arby’s. I checked.

You want to stop reading my blog.

I don’t know if any of you have ever wanted to get revenge on someone, but I certainly have. Revenge is a tricky thing for me and i’m not a huge dude, so I’m really afraid to do something stupid. What I’m not afraid to do is get revenge on someone via proxy. Proxy means it comes from another source so you’re not named directly. This means you can’t get named directly. I have discovered several means that you can seek revenge on another person by proxy. Out of all my means to get some revenge on someone in this manner, I have never found something as effective as what I found today.

Nobody wants guns on the streets, especially unlicensed ones. The police agree with me. 1-866-GUN-STOP is an anonymous hotline used to report people for having illegal unregistered weapons. 1-866-GUN-STOP is also a way to have someone you know be interrogated for having illegal unregistered weapons. I don’t know about you, but if someone pisses me off, there is a chance that they may have illegal unregistered weapons. How could they not? Anyone could have them.

p.s. Reporting a false incident is illegal. Anonymously reporting a non-incident is might be too. Please consult your local law system and use common sense. If you give them a name, i’d give them Lol Rosenberg.

I just got back from a vacation on the beach. That’s why I haven’t written. You get into that beach bum mode and if wireless isn’t immediately accessable (right fucking there), i’m not going to be online.

We had a place on the beach. I mean like right on the shorefront so I could go on the patio and watch people on the beach walk by and do whatever. On the first day there wasn’t much going on except for some kids and a guy with a metal detector. Even though it was 11am, I immediately opened a bottle of beer and proceeded to down it. At 11:10 I opened another one and drank it. This went on about every ten minutes until I passed out at 1pm. I woke up at 6pm with an open raw almonds all over my chest and a cup full of bottlecaps. After finding my socks and my pants and my shirt I collected myself and figured out why I saved all these bottlecaps. I pulled the magic marker out of my bag and scribed “You Suck” on the bottom of each Corona bottlecap. I waited until about 11 o’clock and went out and buried them along the beach in front of my patio. I watched some more hockey and went tbed.

The next morning consisted of me making 3 filter bag coffees at 7am and letting them all sit in front of me. I normally don’t drink coffee but I didn’t want to fall asleep again or get up for more coffee so I had a table full of coffees. At about 9:30am the guy with the metal detector came out. About 5 minutes later he found the first bottlecap. He looked at it for about 15 seconds then put it in his pocket. Not even 5 minutes after that he found the next one and looked around. You could tell in his face he couldn’t believe it. I was in my patio about 100 feet away laughing my balls off on the inside. In almost exactly 5 minute intervals (I timed it) he found 6 more of my bottlecaps. I have never had so much fun by myself in my life. If there was anything I should have videotaped, it was that. Since he didn’t want to find them again he was keeping them in his pocket. The guy proceeded back to the beach and threw them all in the trash. He looked at them before he threw them in the garbage and shook his head. I did it again 4 days later only to watch him finding one and giving up.

I bet this was not how he planned to spend his retirement.

It’s 2:58 right now. I’m only up because i’m sick of lying in my bed not able to fall asleep. It’s been happening alot lately and it’s a total waste of time trying to go to bed when you just can’t. I don’t want to take sleeping pills or any of that shit because I know i’ll get addicted to them. Being awake or asleep isn’t supposed to be determined by a drug unless it’s some kinda blow, meth, caffeine, ma huang, nicotine, lipton, guarana, alcohol, physical exhaustion, vicotin, valium, benzodiazepine, opium, heroin or benadryl. I want to blame the tv on getting my mind active, but i’m sure it’s really all my fault. What ends up happening is I get in bed and I start thinking of the most ridiculous unimportant shit. This might be silly but then again i’m silly and you’re a fuck up so here goes. These are the things I think about when i’m lying in bed trying to go to sleep. They change on any given night.

What was that fish I caught that one time?
Man I need a fishing pole.
What kind of fishing pole had that chartreuse thread on the handle?
Man I love chartreuse.
I bet you could make a ruse in the form of a chart.
I’m gonna go to that fishing website tomorrow.
Do they deliver mail on jewish holidays?
Do jewish people fish?
What the hell does a gefilite fish look like?
Probably nothing like a San Jose Shark.
What hockey game is on tomorrow?
What am I gonna do Saturday?
What the hell day is it?
I should go to bed.
Why is my bed so nice?
Tempur-Pedic, that’s right.
What did I do to deserve this bed?
Deserve is such a virtuous word.
I probably paid some money for this mattress.
I should go to bed.
Wait how much was this mattress?
What the hell was that fish I caught that one time?

x 1000

I wish I had an off switch that wasn’t asphyxiation.

Normally don’t talk about shit that I don’t make up but I just saw a great show. Who ever knew I could be entertained at Radio City by something besides leg kicking women named after a musical style that came to fruition many many years after they were named. That’s right, i’m talking about the Emoquettes.

If you don’t know Zach Galifianakis, Nick Swardson or Demetri Martin, i’m surprised you’re here. Click their links and check them out. They’re all like the Tom Brady’s of comedy. Actually I take that back. They’re not losers.