Woman - Your dick tastes like hand lotion.

Me - Well that’s weird.

Jail reformation works. Michael Vick just this week learned to read when someone gave him a copy of Old Yeller.

He won $500 when he read and comprehended that Travis shot the dog.

I don’t think he’ll like Cujo so much.

thajimc - http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=2195399770&size=m

Bvllets - whoah

thajimc - took that at basilica notre dame

Bvllets - man id love to smoke a blunt in there

I’m pretty good at logic. So good that I have actually figured out how many drinks it would take for me to bang Yoda. Yes that’s right, Yoda from Star Wars.

I’m at the bar and there is a 40 year old asian woman behind the bar. She is getting old to the point where older asian women start to look like Yoda. Right now she is cleaning the a bone from a drumstick chicken wing and i’m analyzing how drunk I would have to be to give her my bone. The answer is 14 drinks.

Ladies and gentlemen I would have to drink 14 drinks to bang Yoda.

Me - What the fuck are you listening to?

Friend - NPR. It’s good dude.

Me - So is ice cream, but it’s not like i’m gonna go out and listen to it.

When someone hands you a glass and says “Do the Dew”, make sure you know what kind of Dew it is. It’s important because chugging Mountain Dewars is quite painful.

I got my cat some treats today and it’s clear that they don’t write the descriptions for cats. This actually isn’t a bad idea since cats don’t actually have money or go shopping and can’t read. I guess the reasons are really endless. So basically my cat relies on me to get him treats if I feel like it. I’m fine with that but the problem is that I don’t know which one of these to get. They’re all named sophisticated nouns with these melodramatic catjectives which just confuse the fuck out of me. How am I supposed to know what my cat genuinely wants. He’s a fucking cat and he would probably eat anything out of my fridge if I let him. I finally narrow it down to the Purina “Whisker Lickin’s” brand. Here is a brief profile and my expert analysis of all of them.

Crunch Lovers
Selling Point - Tartar Control
Kill Shot - Super Crunchy
First off, I can’t tell if these are fucking treats or edible toothbrushes for cats. I don’t know who the hell buys these treats and thinks that they’re actually rewarding their cat? Tartar control? I don’t go out and get crest snickers bars or colgate runts. Matter of fact those sound god awful. Cats just don’t know any better and maybe that’s why they think this is a treat. This is not how my cat rolls. Next.

Tender Moments
Selling Point - Soft and Delicious
Kill Shot - Heavenly Taste
Heavenly taste? No shit. My cat will like that because he’s a good Christian. Duh. I honestly don’t know what kind of heavenly taste starts with the ingredients of animal liver flavor, wheat flour and corn gluten meal but these fuckers are soft and chewy. I imagine they’re like meat flavored mini special dark hershey’s. These sound good but there is one other so let’s check it out.

Dreamy Duos
Selling Point - Crunchy Outside with Soft Center
Kill Shot - Made in China
With a ripped off incorrect name, this is off to a really bad start. Everyone knows there is one dreamy duo and that is Hall and Oates. These look like kitty combos, crunchy outside and a soft middle. Ahh, so that’s why dreamy duos. The particular flavor i’m looking at is shrimp and tuna flavor. That’s a big plus in my book because I love both shrimp and tuna with only one exception. I like shrimp and tuna when it isn’t from China. I’m going to bet that my cat doesn’t want to die because some tard in a Chinese factory took a shit and didn’t wash his hands and got E-Coli on the whole batch.

This really wasn’t an hard decision to make, but I absolutely didn’t need to spend 5 minutes in the grocery store analyzing cat treats. The little fucker should be lucky he’s even getting them. So, cat treat manufacturer, if you’re reading, please make it easier on us. Make one cat brand of cat treats and call them “Delicious American Cat Treats.” That is, if you ever want me to buy them again.

I don’t know if any of you ever had a father, but mine taught me one of the best life lessons that one could teach to their young son. I’ll never forget it. He said..

“Son, don’t go messing up your baseball cards because I would be a millionaire if I hadn’t put them in the blender.”

So what ended up happening is that I had no choice but to take care of my baseball cards. Wise words that my dad probably meant about possesions in general and not cards. I went home recently and dug through sets upon sets of baseball cards just going “Wow, I wonder what these are worth.” I turned to ebay and started researching my cards. There is no better way to determine the value of something than to see the current value at Americas “I’m ready to throw this out” flea marketplace. The first card I looked up was a Ken Griffey Jr. Rated Rookie, the best card in the 1989 Donruss set and one of my most valuable cards. The card is modestly priced at $.01 with $2 shipping. A future hall of famer and class act baseball player. His rookie card is now selling for $.01. Approximately 30% of my retirement plan is now worth $.01.

I figure that this might be an anomaly. Maybe I have some more valuable cards out there, who knows. Let’s try the 1984 Mark McGuire rookie in the 1984 Topps set. This card is legendary for a couple reasons. One is that he’s on Team USA and the other is that he’s not a runway model for anabolic steroids inc. The card is now selling for $4.09 and $2 shipping. This was also 30% of my retirement.

As far as I can tell, my dad has an precise vision of the future by +/- 500,000%.

I got sick of looking up cards, so I started looking up the cases that they were in. Both of these cards are in polycarbonate cases that have actual screws in them to hold it together. I’m drunk so I fuck up the search and it suggests a few alternatives. I find not just the case, but a card and a screw down case as a package deal. Cool. It’s a Ryne Sandberg rookie card, in a screw down case for $.01 plus $1.99 shipping. One of the best second basemen of all time. Neither the case or the card is selling for more than a penny. Talk about appreciation. Way to go.

There is a lesson to be learned here but instead of telling you i’m going to announce that I’m accepting donations for my retirement. I will send you baseball cards. Send a self addressed envelope to

bvllets
1 Dejected Kid Lane
Hobbies Turned into Ridiculously Bad Investments, NY 00001
USA, North America
Earth, Milky Way Galaxy

I have a sinus cold or an infection, so what I did it most normal people do and went to the drug store to get some Sudafed. So i’m walking through the store and I notice that alot of the drugs are missing from the shelf and replaced with cards that say to bring them to the counter so they can give them to you. I marvel for a minute at this new sight and think about how absolutely retarded of a system this is. They have zero space behind the counter and they have all this extra space on the shelves that is used to hold a bunch of flash cards. At this point i’m sick of Duane Reade so I go to the counter and she tells me that I need to show government ID to buy it. I instantly flash back to recalling how meth addicts are able to make meth from pseudoephedrine contained in normal everyday cough medicine. Of course, to make meth they have to get iodine too, but who cares about regulating that. The iodine market is untouchable. Great. So my ID is expired and Cunty McRetard wouldn’t sell it to me. This whole idea makes just so much sense because you may not have known, they don’t give ID to meth addicts. And i’m sure that Duane Reade has an intricate record keeping system for the ID’s of people who purchase pseudoephedrine. It has to be a database system or a something crazy just judging by the average 34 IQ capability of their employees.

So what did I do? I went and bought some meth with no ID around the corner. I’m higher than fuck and my sinuses are wide open. Fuck the system. Do the same.

I was happy to hear on TV that Mercedes has done over 14 million miles of testing on their new C-Class auto. Last I knew about testing was that you had to drive around a soccer field to see if it worked. That type of testing worked with that lawnmower engine kiddie tractor I built in 6th grade. Actually it didn’t because the tires were made of duct tape and carpet. Then again I only got to use about 2 gallons of gas before the cops took it away.

I am hereby passing my carbon footprint/global warming guilt to Mercedes. I haven’t done the math but I think 14 million miles worth of gas is more than I wasted on a 6 mph lawnmower engine kiddie tractor that the cops took away.

Maybe i’m overreacting but dude that tractor was sweet.

I will never forget being a kid and having to hear all these bullshit stories flying out of everyones mouth. One of the best stories I ever heard was shortly after I went swimming in the public pool. We were probably about 11 and this conversation started just as we climbed the ladder and exited the pool. I wasn’t thinking about gash or cooties at that time so I was all ears. The conversation as I remember went like this.

Friend - They started putting this chemical in the pool you know. If you pee in the pool it turns red to tell the lifeguard that you did.

Me - *Uncomfortable pause, Eyebrow raise* I climbed the ladder to land. (It was basically one of those ORLY moments.)

Friend - One time I saw this girl pee in the pool and it turned all red in the water. It turned her pants and all the water around her pure blood red. I never told you because I wanted to know if you ever peed in the pool.

Pool pee chemicals? Come on. This is a complete lie. Even Snopes verifies it. There is no way that the idea is even partially feasible, but when you’re 11 years old, the moon is made of cheese and Apple IIe’s are great gaming consoles. Our friend did not know this at the time, and I doubt he ever will, but the thing was; we all peed in the pool. Unfortunately I hadn’t gone through puberty, so I didn’t have the pubes to call him a liar.

I also did not have the pubes to tell him that he swam in a pool with some broads period blood.

So I changed addresses the other day. Well, I moved but the USPS doesn’t have a “moving” form, just “change of address”. They told me I couldn’t change my address online and that I had to send in the mail form. I sent in the form and didn’t think much about it until now.

They sent me a confirmation that said “USPS Verification required, do not discard” on the envelope. I basically disregard most mail except letters from the IRS (They can and will fuck you). For some reason I opened it since it thought it was important to get my IRS mailings. Let me tell you, I opened it and it was as important as opening the Sunday circulars or pennysavers for all you rural folk. Sweet, sweet advertising. I will now give you the full list of ads/pamphlets/garbage that I got in the mail from a the USPS.

JCPenney, Geico, AT&T, DirecTV , Kmart, Chase Bank, Gamefly, Invisible Fence, Poland Spring, Vonage, Benjamin Moore, Earthlink, Eversafe, Secure Horizons, National Flood Insurance Program, New York Sports Club, Time Warner Cable, HP, Magazines.com, Checksunlimited.com, Artisticlabels.com, All Posters, People PC, Circuit City, Blinds to Go, Ikea, Globe Life and Accident Insurance Co., Home Depot.

Talk about vertical markets. I know that USPS is trying to maximize their money, but there are a ton of markets they missed out on. If the USPS is about to exploit every person underneath the mail system you might as well do it right. People are people and they will probably be interested in anything you send them. Go for the gold, send everything. Here are just a few of the companies that they missed.

Flowbee, Colt 45, Homeguillotine.com, How to Get Free Cheeseburgers at McDonalds, Expensive Hookers Inc., Ediblekittylitter.com, Refinance Your New Home That You Just Moved Into, Vegan Cheese Outlet, Any company starting with the letter A through Z if they give you some money, Tubgirl.com, Frankie P. Cheesewinkles Pleasure Factory.

Take note USPS, because I sure as hell could use some more things to throw out.

Me - Yeah, i’m not feeling so well. To tell you the truth i’ve been shitting all night long.

Friend - Really? Do you feel sick?

Me - Not so much. I do feel a little dehydrated but not really nauseous.

Friend - Do you think it was something you ate?

Me - I guess it could have been the Jalapeno Poopers I ate last night.

Friend - Heh. Yeah ok.

Me - Well it was either that or the Kentucky Fried Shittin.

Friend - You’re an asshole.

Me - Jock Jams was way more than just something people listened to. Jock Jams was like, a movement.

Friend - Really? You think so?

Me - Most certainly. It was so far ahead of it’s time and it inspired all those other compilations to come out that were geared at a specific demographic. I dunno about you but i’d call that a movement.

Friend - Wouldn’t it have a name? I mean, what kind of movement?

Me - Probably bowel.

A Friend and I were walking through Fort Greene park the other day and there were a few girls in the park playing around with actual swords. A bit odd, yes.

Friend - Yo bvllets, check it out those chicks are swallowing swords over there!

Me - No dude, look at their shirts. They say Blowjob University. It must be an offsite or some sponsored event they’re doing. Besides, I don’t see any “swallowing”.

Friend - Oh. Let’s go watch!

Me - Sho’ nuff!

I don’t know if you guys out there have huge balls like I do, but every once in a while I sit on one of my nuts. If you’re a girl, it’s a type of pain I can’t properly relay, but it is so intense it makes you want to puke. I was in a hurry at work and rushed to get back to my computer to finish an email, and I accidentally sat on my right testicle. I sat down with such force that I literally bounced off my nut and then landed in a compromised position on my desk chair. I yelled ow and stood up in the typical “I got hit in the nuts” pose.

Co-Worker - Are you ok??

Me - Yeah, just a cramp.

Co-Worker - A cramp down there?

Me - Yeah I got a strained epididymis.

Co-Worker - What?

Me - Yeah, I was born with huge testicles. Epididymis strain, look it up. *grabs balls*

Co-Worker - *walks away*

Watch your nuts kids or you’ll have to make up stories like this.

Formulas can have errors because they aren’t just mathematical things. They are also things you nurse your baby or sick bird/rabbit/assorted varmint you found. I don’t necessarily look for formula on normal trips to the store. If I feel like a baby, maybe i’ll keep an eye out for them. I was unaware that there are different types of formula. There is Soy, Ethanol, Breast, 10W-30 and Hypo Allergenic varietals for your baby’s need. Only one of these really stuck out to me and that was the Hypo Allergenic version. Shouldn’t all babies be nursed with Hypo Allergenic formula? I really can’t remember the last time when a mother wished an allergic reaction on her baby.

Now that’s marketing.

Friend - Did you know that the toilets flush backwards in Australia?

Me - Did you know that you have no attention span? I asked you what we were going to eat.

Somehow the second Basic Instinct movie came up today. It reminded me instantly of the original, which I had on tape almost immediately after it came out. I don’t remember where I got it, but I was 13 and I loved it. I specifically remember the interrogation scene where she uncrosses her legs and proceeds to show us her fish department (how can you forget, right). I remember this scene, not only from within the context of the movie, but from 4 years later when I watched my Mom throw my “blank” tape in the VCR to see if there was anything on it worth saving. As the VCR begins to play, I instantly recognize Sharon Stone’s beaver followed by a leg cross. Evidently that was where I had finished improperly touching myself. She looked at me mildly horrified and I reacted only as a young adult can when confronted with his early batin’ material by his Mother.

I laughed.

Take good care of your batin’ material kids. Someday this could happen to you.

I got a veggie burger at this place today and it came with a pickle. I finished the burger and took a bite of the pickle. It tasted weird. I kept thinking, what the hell does this taste like? Oh uhm, it kinda tastes like piss. I put the pickle down and kept chewing before I realized that someone probably pissed in the pickles. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone has taken a piss in the pickles, but it’s the first time i’ve personally noticed. I spit out the Pissckle and handled as calmy as I could. I wiped my ass with a $20 bill, paid for the meal and calmly went on my way.