I text messaged my email myself the day after my birthday. It might have been during my regular or extended birthday, I’m not sure. Doesn’t matter so much since It’s really awesome. I’m glad I did it. Let me tell you what it is…

“Nothing brings the family together like Johnsonville italian sausage”

We played Poker in the bathroom last Saturday with a couple of people. Deuces were wild and I had a Royal Flush.

Solid pot. Everyone was all in.

I’d have to say that motorized backrubs are the biggest form of Bull Shiatsu out there.

If you prefer defecation to feel like you just passed a cactus, then yes, eat the whole sunflower seed.

Potato bugs are awesome. They just curl into a ball and you throw them in the toilet.

Balls are like great for throwing.

My girlfriend is amazing. She doesn’t tell me what to do but today she told me not to do something. I sort of listened.

She told me not to cheat on her. I kept sort of listening but there was this piece of dirt on the ground that looked like a squirrel. I tried to frame the squirrel with my hands and eyes as if I was some sort of artsy artist. It was a masterpiece in my mind. I guess that like art it was impossible to describe in words. Thinking back I can only tell you that it was an awesome piece of dirt. What did I do? She looked at me and I grabbed the piece of dirt and told her it was a squirrel. A really abstract squirrel. It looked like a piece of dirt. It was a piece of dirt. I was busted. I went back to the original conversation.

“I’ve never been able to cheat on anyone when I didn’t know the answers. Wait, is this a fucking test?”

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Mail is better than e-mail, especially when it comes to grandson-grandparent communications.

That and because you actually get to touch something.

Saw a homeless guy asking for change in the subway tonight. Gave him the deed to a 40.7 million dollar 40 acre home in Montauk. He gave it back, said he just wanted change.

I guess you really can’t make people change.

I was watching TV last night and a commercial came on that started out with “Think it’s too late to get more life insurance?”. I thought this was pretty stupid considering it was already 10:45 PM.

They really should work on ad placement more.

I’ve been playing this stupid shit called My Brute lately. It’s pretty fucking stupid but I don’t have to do anything but show up. That works for me. Anyways, they have all these special powers that you can get as you go up a level but one really struck me as being a bit off. Let me show it to you.

Funny name they have for it, because I thought it was cockswordsmanship. The description doesn’t help defend that it isn’t. It actually makes it much more perverted if anything. Instead of thinking i’m actually Implacable, click on the picture to challenge me. Good luck.

Today in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse to Ulysses S. Grant to put a final end to the most epic battle in American History. I find it only appropriate that on the exact day that the Civil War ended, I find a real asshole that perpetuates racism. Not only is this guy an asshole, he’s a fish. Well, i’m not sure if it a guy fish or a girl fish but whatever, it’s a racist fucking fish.

Don’t believe me that a fish can be racist? Take a look at this son of a bitch.

Go ahead, try and keep that N-word down. I’ve never hoped for extinction of a species in my life, except for now. Listen up Mr. Hawaiian Niger Trigger, there is no room for racists in todays society. If that wasn’t the case, the Civil War wouldn’t have ever ended. Think about it.

I’m exposing you Mr. Racist Fish. Those “N-words” as you make people say them, or as i’ll call them here in a legal sort of way, “Racees”, have proven they’re here to stay. Welcome to your own “Civil” war buddy. If there is anything that racism has taught us, it’s that we shouldn’t have tolerance for people (or fish) that aren’t not racist.

No, but seriously, they should change that fish’s name. It’s just too easy to slip up in the wrong company and get your white ass kicked by mispronouncing a fish. Damn smart ass Ichthyologists.

I can tell i’m talking to my parents when I hear the phrase “Pain Pills” instead of Vicodin.

Bald? Like to wear hoods? Wear a hoopee!!

The best hood and toupee mashup on the market. Combining the prowess of a toupee and the cover of a hooded sweatshirt will make you cool with the ladies. Just ask the whole city of Rochester, NY.

One time only sale; 29.99.

I’m sorry Metallica. I fucked up your lyrics again.

Lyrically “I love to nail your Netherlands” can’t possibly be right. Enter Sandman isn’t even remotely Dutch.

bvllets – Sometimes, I masturbate to Tron
stparkz – What?!?
bvllets – Whoops wrong window

Meals on Wheels is probably much more legit than me walking to get some food and then again walking it over to your crippled bedridden ass. I knew Meals on Shoes wasn’t a good idea.

Meals on Heels is a kinder name, although not much more efficient. At all. Meals Not Delivered is always an option. Easier for me at least.

It was a nice try, but I’m not really good for anything.

I’ll believe that they’re really starving artists when they cancel the free continental breakfasts at the Mariott.

Hotel hippies fuck off.

My dick is like the Hindenberg. It’s a big deal, totally incredibly sweet at the time, then it blows up in front of you and burnsssssssss.

More to follow.

I drank a ton last night while watching football so I got to play one of my favorite morning games, Dixie shots. Dixie shots is a game where you drink as many dixie cups of cold water as you can before you take a shower. By now you might be saying to yourself, where’s the game?

The game is trying not to puke in the shower. What you need to keep in mind is that drinking cold water then going into a hot shower when you’re hungover is very hard to do. Just make sure you’re really hungover and really thirsty in the morning.

I made it to 12 today but i’m sure that was my limit. That was definately pushing it.