Bill the great is an alcoholic at a place we go to. The question is… where is he from? Riverside? Long Island City? no.. well maybe, but what about Cennunctah? South Philly? The truth is he is from everywhere, and he wears it on his houndstooth sleeve.

He carries himself with the weight of a Myers bottle of rum and has no regard for his handshake strength. He crushes peoples hands while he cries inside; he’s a lawyer. Some kind of legit real-estate lawyer. He obviously knows what he’s doing.. thats evident.. by day. By night, the clouds part, the sun recesses and things become bi-dimensional. You genuinely feel like you have something to learn from this man, but all you can render is “Wow, what a complete waste of carbon”. Let’s sample an actual conversation with the magnet.

Bill – Hurrsbs wherueue from?

Party – We’re from Buffalo, originally Buffalo.

Bill – BAFFILO. *rigorous handshake (2nd instance)* THEY GOT THE CHICKEN. I bet a buffalo would brahhhahrihiharha

Party - Really? *looks at a companion* You’re right about that, poultry is our main beef.

Bill - Beeaf? You meant like Beaf?

Party - Yeah, where exactly are you from?

Bill - RIVERRRSIDDDDDEEEEEEEE, off teh queen-e-bkln-st. I HATE A HOUSE. Sinatra, ITS NOT JUST A STREET IN EASTERN MAINE.

Party - Awwwww man, that is CUH-RAY-ZEE. I’m gonna go have a quick smoke, don’t follow me.

Bill - Crazay? I used to breed cantelopes in Jewrheuaselm for tannins.

Party - I don’t know what to think but can we have some space?

{ stage direction : bill stumbles in place like a down syndrome patient with a concussion }

Bill - WHERE AM I FROM? *attempts to handshake*

Party - *politely avoids handshake* Riverside, I think. But what are you doing here, riverside is so far away?

Bill - Sebatical. I’m a lawyer, i know people.

Party – People? I’m confused. People of the earth or otherwise?

Bill – NaAh theywer freum Stanten isllands.

Party - I don’t know if I can handle this pain

Bill - I ;M FREUSM RIVERSAIDE *crushing handshake*

Party - Yo I know. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bill - MYEArs Ruem. I’m a lauwyear frueam Seaside. Are you a n Asshoel?

{ stage: bill looks at the bartender as if she/he just traded his first born for a cornish hen }

Bill - STAY WITH YOUR FREINDS

Party - My friends pretty much stay with me. I’ve never had an instance of a friend running off, especially when i’m talking with you.

Bill - arGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ‘RE IM FROM *missed handshake*

Party - Bill i don’t know what you’re after, but i’m not sellin’ it.

{ *third eye blind comes on }

{ *bouncer rumbles over to disrupt bills’ tirade }

Party - Looks like its the end of the road for ya’ Bill…

Bill - Fieurget yousassses. DONEY U KNOEW WHwaure i’em frueam? Steamside!

Party - You have alot of knowledge, some of it is here, some of it is there, but I want it all; away from me.

Bill - *starts to cry*

{this is where shit gets for REAL}

Party - Listen man, its cool — i’m just here chatting with you, we’re talkin bullshit, but you have alot to say.

Bill - ARhghh FERIINS stifck with it or else. If yuuu — THAT AIN”T RUNM

Party - oh man, this dood is all sorts of done

Bill - Buhh..

{bouncer slowly clothlines bill, in a loving manner, and escorts him towards 14th street}

Party - What a fucking terd bergler.

So that’s how the bill saga ends.

…until we see him again for the first time, at the bar, 2 days after tomarrow.

I have been going out of my way lately to use the word “Ostracized” just so I can say it incorrectly as “Ostrich Sized”. I say it vehemently so when i’m wrong, the person will have no choice but to tell me that i’m saying it wrong.

Me – I don’t know about you but I really can’t stand how the media has spun people who use Windows as being behind in technology and behind the curve. I am really sick of getting Ostrich Sized by perspective employers.

Mac User – Well, it’s true, isn’t it?

Me – Being Ostrich Sized? Yeah I get Ostrich Sized by you guys all the time!

Mac User – Uhm, are you saying Ostrich Sized?

Me – Yeah, you know when they look at you and they Ostrich Size you to make you feel smaller than you really are. It’s belittling and I just can’t take it anymore.

Mac User – Dude, it’s Ostracized, not Ostrich Sized.

Me – Are you saying that you’re better than me?

Mac User – At least I have a firm grasp on the English language.

Me – At least I have a firm grasp of the computer.

Who’s great idea was it to name a job hiring site Monster.com? I’m obviously not saying that they aren’t successful but i’m really not seeing the name reflect into a portal for hiring respectable professionals.

My boss – We’re looking to take on an additional accountant, any idea where we should look?

Me – I don’t know, maybe you can try Craig’s List.

My boss – Well, what about Monster?

Me – What about SerialRapist or MassMurderer?

My boss – Craig’s List it is.

Airports are the best. Not the best in any scholarly type of way, but diversity wise. Flying on a plane is not restricted to just the rich, slutty or homosexual anymore. Flying is now a god-given right to all Americans. At least that’s what I’m assuming from my last airport experience.

My last airport experience was full of delays. I can’t complain about delays because my flight + delays is still about 5 times faster than any other way for me to get to where I’m going. It’s the least of all travel evils. So i’m sitting at the bar and i’m drinking a beer to pass the time (or get drunk), and someone sits next to me. Instantly a conversation starts.

Foreigner – Is that a Bud Light?

Me – No it’s a RedBull and Bacardi. Real good guess though.

Foreigner – That’s weird because it’s yellow like beer. How’s it going?

Me – I’m missing some great hockey and my flight is delayed 3 hours but other than that i’m ok. Just so you know in the future, ice in the glass usually means it’s not a beer.

Foreigner – I’m good, I had some great time off in Florida. I ate at the Outback Steakhouse a few times.

Me – Word, I was listening to music on my headphones and texting on my phone in case you didn’t notice. I’m not really in the mood to talk. I’m actually in the mood for not talking.

Foreigner – Yeah, i’m a Cardinals fan personally, i’m not one for the Mets.

Me – Oh, thanks for pointing out my hat and my choice of sports teams. I almost forgot who I liked and cheered for on a daily basis.

Foreigner – I’m a driver at UPS. I’ve been there 23 years and I have 6 weeks vacation as well as a 401k.

Me – Really? Did you already have Cerebral Palsy or did they give you that too?

Foreigner – Way before this I was a sales rep at a chalk company in Long Island.

Me – Interesting.

Foreigner – I am married with 4 kids now, 3 boys and a girl. The old wife can be a pain in the ass but it’s really everything I ever dreamed of.

Me – That’s nice. Everything I ever dreamed of is nothing i’ve experienced of because i’m not dead yet. I plan on dreaming everything I ever dreamed of as soon as i’m dead.

Foreigner – Blerrr federda bledeuysu derf fad erssa gerus.

Me – Yeah, I have my headphones on and I can’t really hear you. Nice talking to you though. Take care.

Foreigner – *Waves*

Getting older and talking to your parents candidly is awesome. Everytime I tell a story now about when I was a kid, my parents realize what kind of kid I really was. Every mystery my mom ever had has now been discovered. Why my friend puked at our all-star little league baseball game? Zima. The 6 dead birds in the backyard? BB Gun sniping from the basement. Where all the screens in our faucets went to? Marijuana. How that window really broke upstairs? Trying to shoot toothpaste out the window with a water balloon slingshot. Where did all those playboys go? Wait they already knew that.

I can’t get in trouble anymore and now it’s so much fun to tell the stories. Hopefully some day i’ll be able to tell the truth to all my ex-girlfriends but probably not. I would most likely still get murdered.

Do yourself a favor and tell your parents a story that you lied about when you were a kid. It’s really alot of fun. Just trust me.

Today I was walking down Lexington and there were tanks of liquid Nitrogen on the sidewalk. I stopped at the corner and touched some of the frost on the outside from the condensation/sublimation of the Nitrogen coming out. I was just kinda flicking it off, killing time for the light to change. I caught the attention of 3 large women. They didn’t notice the tanks until I started playing with them. One woman decided it was time to talk about the subject. Here’s how it went down.

“Ooohhh look they got them tanks of them liquid Nitrogens on the street. That’s dangerous isn’t it? Next thing you know we go off an bomb another country cause the damn USA is all fucked up in the head like that. How can that not be terrorism? ”

I gotta tell you, this was the most fucked up twisted conversation bit i’ve ever heard in New York City. Not only did they jump from random thought to random thought, the two women with her agreed and said “mhmmm” while she was saying it. I stared back and gave her a the best slanted eyebrow I could. It didn’t phase her.

For the trivia of the post, please put whatever race you think these women were in the comment section. The winner gets something awesome.

I got this friend, and he’s gay. I like him cause he gambles. Not like like, but you know what I mean. He’s got good stories most of the time cause he’s not that whimsical swishy fag type. Our dialog was as follows.

Me : So how was Atlantic City?

Gay : It was ok, I think when I averaged it out, it was like $18 a beer.

Me : With or without HIV?

Gay : Either way I lost money.

Me : Do you play Poker?

Gay : No that’s not really my game.

Me : Oh, I understand. You any good at Pokehim?

Gay : Yeah, I get ass all the time.

What fuck started doing the luge first? Dialogue as follows.

“I was thinking of building an ice track to try to kill myself in the backyard. It’s much easier than burning the money Chauncey.”

“For what ever for?”

“To feel the wind go thru my taint even faster.”

“Your Taintwinder El Nino 4000 isn’t good enough? I thought that was the ultimate taint winder. Is it broken?”

“It’s not any of that. I’m just totally retardedly rich and I want to die for no apparent reason. Besides, I can do anything if I put my mind to it.”

“Great Shance. I’ve been looking forward to seeing you in spandex.”

“My pleasure. Let’s luge.”

Does anyone know a luger? Luge-er? I don’t know but I mean a person who luges. Post a comment story or something if you do.

[20:55] bvllets: man
[20:55] bvllets: i just had a great idea
[20:56] bvllets: you know how kids dont like to eat
[20:56] bvllets: and they give them prizes
[20:56] mit3: yes?
[20:56] bvllets: all you have to do is give away fireworks with a kids meal
[20:56] bvllets: kids will not stop eating.
[20:56] bvllets: i mean lunchables with a firecracker
[20:56] bvllets: black snakes and combos
[20:57] bvllets: k1000 and a burrito
[20:57] bvllets: endless i tell you
[20:57] mit3: just because you were a pyromeniacal youngster doesn’t mean all kids are.
[20:57] mit3: some kids like books.
[20:57] mit3: others like bumblebees
[20:57] ber: no im pretty sure all kids are
[20:57] bvllets: all kids are
[20:57] bvllets: i knew from the first time i lit carbuerator cleaner on fire
[20:57] bvllets: and it sprayed flames 11 feet.

I saw a jukebox that works on credit card swipes now. That’s gotta be the easiest thing to use a stolen credit card on. I’m gonna remember that next time I find a credit card I’m going there and charging thousands of dollars in credit to the machine. That’s gotta be so awesome to have your card stolen and then have a Four Thousand dollar charge for a jukebox on the card. It’s also gotta be the easiest thing to explain in case of fraud. Or legit I spose. Maybe I should do it with mine just for kicks. Be like,

Mastercard – “We appreciate your quick response to your credit card being stolen. We are here to serve you. It seems someone placed some large charges on your card last night including a large charge from an internet jukebox at TGI Friday’s. It was $4,000.”

Me – “You mean to tell me, someone played 8,000 songs on my dime at TGI Friday’s last night?” (Of course that’s where this god awful creation is.)

Mastercard – “That is correct Bvllets. It seems you or someone also played Eddie Money on an average of 40% of the time. Do you like Eddie Money?”

Me – “Well, me and Eddie have sort of this love-hate relationship, well; I guess I like him. Is still wasn’t me last night. Wow. 3,200 Eddie Money songs. Was anything else charged?”

Mastercard – “Seems you, or someone, bought a fully loaded Lamborghini Diablo, 2 tickets to a place listed as Paradise, and some charge for $3000 at the White Coffee Boutique. Was that you?”

Me – “(Shifts into 5th gear) *sniffle* Nope, not me. Must have been those guys at Friday’s. Hold on, I’m about to pass this poor person.”

Mastercard – “Is that 2 tickets to Paradise playing in the background? I thought you said you didn’t like Eddie Money.”

Me – “I said he’s ok and it’s on the radio. Are we done here? *sniffle*”

Mastercard – “I suppose this phone call is over but one of our specialists is going to contact you to investigate further.”

Me – “No worries, I will be on vacation with my girlfriend though. Let me give you my number in Paradise. It’s *sniffle* 305-423-4243.”

Mastercard – “Uhmmm.”

Me – “You’re breaking up. Have your investigator call me.”

Mastercard – “Thanks for using Mastercard. If there is anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

Me – “I’ll just use the card instead. Thanks.”

Mastercard – “I thought you said you didn’t have it.”

Me – “Like I said, we’re breaking up. *sniffle* Later.”

Piece of mind – Vent about Buffalo to me. – $10

——————————————————————————–
Reply to: see below
Date: 2005-09-21, 12:33PM EDT

I am living in NYC and a transplant from Buffalo. I spent 25 years there and I know how much Buffalo sucks so I am offering a response and a re-assurance from someone who knows how much Buffalo sucks. Trust me it’s not you. Send me $10 Paypal and I will verify up and down how much Buffalo sucks. I can even tell you about sucky places to not go to and things to not do in Buffalo because they suck. Paypal me $10 at bullets@gmail.com for a fantastic response.
this is in or around NYC

no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

99008879

Well. I like to share things here that I might not normally tell someone at a business meeting. Call me old fashioned. I usually tell some shocking tales without having to explain. Most of the times when I divulge information it’s more like, hey, this kid is crazy, but this time you might say i’m insane. Well, at least to tell you.

So I decided to bleach my hair again and nevermind that I look like a 4th rate Abba reject with a moustache now, I wanted to do it. So I mix up the bleach, typical salon style with oil powder creme bleach and 40 volume developer. I mix it up and I do a pretty damn good job getting it all in my hair and I clean up the mess. Then it sets in. That irritating burn/itch whatever it is that makes you so tempted to mess with your hair. So I grab a plastic knife and start itching the parts that are driving me nuts. After about 5 more minutes I decide I really can’t take it. I need something to take my mind off it. I’m going to wash it out. Wait, I can’t do that, it’ll be yellow. I got it. I’ll jerk off. So I rip off all my clothes and head for the bathroom and my trusty Curel. I throw on some random porn (at this point time was the crucial point, not what I was watching. I did need something though) and start going to town. Let me tell you, this is probably one of the weirdest and most exhilirating things i’ve ever done. Tingle tingle tingle, wank wank wank. My head is on fire and meanwhile i’m ripping my dick off trying to forget about the burn. A good 7 minutes later I finish and i’m ready to rape a Rhino. Instead I took a shower and washed the bleach out. In retrospect i’m trying to think of a more exhilirating time i’ve had when I was beating off. I can’t.

Share your most exhilirating beat off stories in the comment section. Try not to use exhilirating as much as I did.