I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.

00:10 < +dh-> I saw the movie the happening today.
00:10 < +bvllets> i bet it sucks.
00:10 < +dh-> spot on.
00:11 < +bvllets> funny cause i knew another gay dude going to see his flick today.
00:11 < +bvllets> is shamalayan a fagmagnet?
00:11 < +bvllets> ie fagmag?
00:12 < +bvllets> wait, is his name spelled sham lay a man?
00:12 < +bvllets> either way i don’t want to see it.

What else is IRC good for?

I’m at a party and this guy says he’s a “Psychic” for Fortune 500 companies. I wish I could remember where I put his card but he predicted to me verbally that I would lose it. Like everything else I touched, I lost it. It’s out of my hands now.

I’ve decided to go after that exact guy’s job. My job as going to sleep for a shift in a bed at those same Fortune 500 Companies with the new title “Reality Assurance Guy”. Wait no, “Director Vice President of Wake The Fuck Up Because I Changed Your Mind About Something That Wasn’t Important Because You Been Had, So I Will Just Keep The Money My Cellphone Number is 222-FUCK-YOU, Call Me”. That will work as a good safe job title and of course it’s easy to remember.

I’ll mail you my napkin paper resume. At some point at least I need to figure out how to load my Canon Bubblejet BJ100 with Napkin Paper. If you have it in 8.5 x 11 with a picnic type print put it on E-Bay and i’ll buy it now.

Thanks dude.

I recently saw a sign in my neighborhood that was for a security system. It was installed on a neighbors house so just out of fear I decided to get one put in my house. You can’t ever be too protective of your property, especially your paper towel collection (my paper towel collection).

The security company looked familiar. That company was ADD Security. I’ll never forget my first phone call with them.

Operator - Thanks for calling ADD Security. How can I help you?

Me - I’d like to have a security system installed.

Operator - That’s great where do you live?

Me - 123 Fake Street, NY, NY USA.

Operator - Cool, is there anything I can help you with?

Me - Yes, I need a security system installed at my house 123 Fake Street, NY,NY USA.

Operator - I forgot what you just said, what did you need again?

After about 10 minutes of this same loop I got him to put my address in the system and a security consultant came over to my house. He showed up and I went over my house and he was tenderly studying all the details of my humble abode. After approximately 7 times of him asking what my name was, he followed it up with “Isn’t it a gorgeous day out?”. I told him to just install the fucking thing and said i’d be on the couch if he needed me. He was eager to do it but he needed to know exactly what thing I was talking about. I pointed to his truck and he told me that it was his truck. I pointed 4 times more at the logo on his truck and he told me that it was his work.

Me - I know dude. Do your job, on my house.

Security Consultant - Ohhhhhh. Yeah ok. It’s a nice day out isn’t it?

He quickly got to work, but then promptly stopped to ask me what I thought of the weather outside. I locked myself in the bathroom until he slipped an invoice under the door. I signed it with some of my roommates guyliner (eyeliner for guys), he left and I hoped for the best. The best meaning that no one breaks into my house or if they do, I know that the police are immediately summoned. It’s a modest wish that a security company can do this for you. ADD Security didn’t think so. I left for work and about 20 minutes later I received a call to tell me something was happening at my house. Let me just patch this phone call through.

Phone Representative - Hello bvllets. We are calling to let you know that something is happening at your house and that I think we called someone and it’s probably all taken care of.

Me - Uhm, what do you mean somethings happening at my house? Do you know what it is?

Phone Representative - Somethings happening at your house? Are you having a party?

Me - No, there’s no party. I’m at work and you called me to tell me something is happening at my house. What exactly is happening at my house?

Phone Representative - Are you sure you don’t have a wrong number?

Me - What? You called me! Please let me know what’s happening at my house! Is there an indruder or something?

Phone Representative - I love that movie. Or maybe it wasn’t called The Intruder. Maybe i’m thinking about something else.

At this point i’m furious so I hang up and I call the cops myself. I told them that something is going on at my house and that ADD Security may have contacted them regarding it. They tell me that someone called them from ADD security and that they wanted to know if anyone wanted to go ride bikes. I told the police my name and address and they said that they would call me back when they got to my house. About 10 minutes later I got a call from the police telling me that the security system was triggered but only due to the fact that they installed it on the front screen door to my 6 unit apartment complex.

Believe me, I won’t ever be needing their services ever again.

I just got back from a vacation on the beach. That’s why I haven’t written. You get into that beach bum mode and if wireless isn’t immediately accessable (right fucking there), i’m not going to be online.

We had a place on the beach. I mean like right on the shorefront so I could go on the patio and watch people on the beach walk by and do whatever. On the first day there wasn’t much going on except for some kids and a guy with a metal detector. Even though it was 11am, I immediately opened a bottle of beer and proceeded to down it. At 11:10 I opened another one and drank it. This went on about every ten minutes until I passed out at 1pm. I woke up at 6pm with an open raw almonds all over my chest and a cup full of bottlecaps. After finding my socks and my pants and my shirt I collected myself and figured out why I saved all these bottlecaps. I pulled the magic marker out of my bag and scribed “You Suck” on the bottom of each Corona bottlecap. I waited until about 11 o’clock and went out and buried them along the beach in front of my patio. I watched some more hockey and went tbed.

The next morning consisted of me making 3 filter bag coffees at 7am and letting them all sit in front of me. I normally don’t drink coffee but I didn’t want to fall asleep again or get up for more coffee so I had a table full of coffees. At about 9:30am the guy with the metal detector came out. About 5 minutes later he found the first bottlecap. He looked at it for about 15 seconds then put it in his pocket. Not even 5 minutes after that he found the next one and looked around. You could tell in his face he couldn’t believe it. I was in my patio about 100 feet away laughing my balls off on the inside. In almost exactly 5 minute intervals (I timed it) he found 6 more of my bottlecaps. I have never had so much fun by myself in my life. If there was anything I should have videotaped, it was that. Since he didn’t want to find them again he was keeping them in his pocket. The guy proceeded back to the beach and threw them all in the trash. He looked at them before he threw them in the garbage and shook his head. I did it again 4 days later only to watch him finding one and giving up.

I bet this was not how he planned to spend his retirement.

Sometimes I hang out with some friends that are gay. What always ends up happening is me making terrible gay jokes in their presence. I don’t really give a shit if you like dudes or having sex with food or whatever, but i’m going to be funny about things that are relative. No coffee lover likes jokes about how funny exotic imported cameilla sinensis is because it yields a much better beverage when it’s soaked in some hot water. Regardless of how much you don’t understand that last joke yet, I don’t care. The actual funny part here is me and exploiting your lack of grey matter. (Or my underestimate of your grey matter.)

So i’m hangin’ with a gay friend of mine on a public rooftop and I tell him that it’s a great place to cruise. He laughed, but as soon as it was over I asked him is the term “crusin’ for a bruisin’” happened because some homosexual made some bad decisions. It really does make sense. The way I picture it is that some guy whipped his cock out and asked another unknown human of the same species if he wanted any veinerschnitzel (Yes, I said vein). After that I imagined some straight guy came over and beat the hell out of him. That, is cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

I’m up to have you put some rebuttals in the comment section. If you dare make a joke about my veinerschnitzel in your rebuttal i’m gonna bruise your cruise.

I called my doctor the other day because I threw up blood. I was super scared. I transcripted our conversation for posterity.

Doctor - Hi, i’m Doctor Rasahanajanighandisinghanandanan, what seems to be the matter?

Me - Hi Dr. Rasahanajanighandisinghanandanan, i’m bvllets. You’ll be pleased to know i’m not worried about my erectal ability and that I threw up coagulated blood tonight. I’m really scared, do you think I have an ulcer or something?

Doctor - Sounds pretty serious, have you had anything happen like this before?

Me - I’ve puked, but not blood before.

Doctor - What have you done to change your diet?

Me - I don’t know if it’s my diet per-se, but I sacrificed a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig and drank its blood a bit earlier this evening.

Doctor - I see your problem so i’m gonna prescribe you 250 mg/day of Stopdoingthat. It’s a wide spectum anti-action pill that has minimal side effects that happen. Take it once a day and stop doing that. Consequentially I think this will prevent you from throwing up congealed blood.

Me - Thanks Dr., I don’t know what i’d sacrifice with or without you. (My cat)

Doctors, gotta love ‘em. (Pay them to love you so that you can have to love them.)

“I heard that they fry their hamburgers in lead ore. That’s why they’re so bad for you.”

“I read that McDonalds actually serves people in China.”

“Believe it or not, a lab analysis of a Chicken McNugget actually found no trace of Nugget. Or Mc, or Chicken.”

“Someone once told me that McDonald’s serves dog food in their dog food meals that they serve to people.”

I guess i’m sick of hearing about stuff like this.

Me - What the fuck are you listening to?

Friend - NPR. It’s good dude.

Me - So is ice cream, but it’s not like i’m gonna go out and listen to it.

Me - I’ve been thinking of getting a membership here at the gym. I need to get a little more upper body muscle. Maybe work on my chest, you know?

Trainer - We can get a routine going. Have you worked out before?

Me - A little bit, but that was a while ago. I forgot most of it.

Trainer - I see. Do you know how much you bench?

Me - Probably one of those wooden park ones. I don’t think I can lift one of those heavy ones in the subway or the metal ones at the bus stop.

Trainer - Huh?

Me - Ok fine, maybe I can only really do a chair press. I might have overestimated with the bench.

Trainer - Oh haha that’s not really what that means. It means how much you can lift over your head while laying on a bench.

Me - Ok so I guess I really haven’t worked out before.

Since my name is bvllets, I get alot of jokes about me “shooting blanks”. I’m not really amused at the futile pun they’ve just offered up, but what’s actually funny is when I ask them what it means. Ninety-eight percent of people will just look at you stupid for about 5 seconds before they even start to formulate what to say. It completely flips them into a defensive mode and you gotta just keep asking questions. It goes kinda like this.

Friend - That’s because bvllets is really shooting blanks! (Everyone Lol’s)

Me - Shooting blanks? What does that mean?

Friend - *Long Pause* What, shooting blanks?

Me - Yeah. What exactly does that mean?

Friend - It’s where you can’t get a girl pregnant cause your sperms dont swim.

Me - Are you sure that’s what it means? I would figure it would mean that i’m not shooting anything, not a mess with a bunch of lazy sperm in it. Think about what blanks actually are. You put them in a gun and they shoot nothing. You got a blank piece of paper. What’s on it? Nothing. Exactly.

Friend - *Another Long Pause* I guess it could be that too.

Me - You guess? What the fuck is this all about? How are you going to accuse me of something you’re not even sure what the fuck it is?

Friend - Ok fine, It could be either, they’re both technically blanks.

Me - So how do you suppose that would work? Let’s say you don’t shoot anything. Wouldn’t that hurt? Is it maybe going somewhere else in your body? Should I be worried? Should I see a doctor?

Friend - Dude, I was only kidding.

Me - Real funny dude. I could have something wrong with me and now you’re making tasteless jokes.

Friend - *Walks Away*

When they’re no longer in my sight, that’s when I start laughing. I win.

Me - Jock Jams was way more than just something people listened to. Jock Jams was like, a movement.

Friend - Really? You think so?

Me - Most certainly. It was so far ahead of it’s time and it inspired all those other compilations to come out that were geared at a specific demographic. I dunno about you but i’d call that a movement.

Friend - Wouldn’t it have a name? I mean, what kind of movement?

Me - Probably bowel.

So I decided to shave my head yesterday. I gave up my glorious skater cut for a nice cue ball pretty much on a whim. I had a picture on my college id from like 2000 when I had a shaved head, so I sorta knew what I was gonna look like. A shaved head on the same person doesn’t really change over the years in case you didn’t know. Unless you take brain steroids.

The problem with shaving your head is that everyone thinks that something is wrong. Imagine something major is going on in your life that you’re afraid to talk about, so you shave your head to get it all out there. Evidently you can’t just shave your head. Here are a few conversations i’ve had lately.

Conversation #1 - The Workplace

Co-Worker - So why did you do it?

Me - You tell me. Cancer, AIDS or both?

Co-Worker - Whoah, you’re crazy.

Me - It’s cancer you asshole.

Conversation #2 - The Apartment

Roommate - Whoah dude, why’d you do that?

Me - We just got evicted so I sold all my hair. Oh by the way your clippers are broken.

Roommate - We got evicted???

Me - Well just me, from the Fantastic Sams web forum.

Conversation #3 - The local deli

Worker - Hey guy! You shaved your head. Why?

Me - Remember how I bought a case of beer last night?

Worker - Uh oh, what happened.

Me - Some fucking bonafide indians came and scalped me for it. They might have been mexicans but that’s besides the point. Actually they all kinda looked like you. *squints*

Worker - I assure you it wasn’t me.

Me - Don’t mind me, I can see you have some righteous Telemundo on the TV there. I’ll let you go.

Friend - I got the first season of 24 on DVD. I’m gonna start watching it tonight.

Me - I know something you should do instead that will be way more fun.

Friend - What’s that?

Me - Take a can of spaghetti-o’s and a can of beefaroni and put it in the dryer on high for like 7-8 hours. Just sit there and watch it.

Friend - Uhmmm..

Me - Cranberry sauce would work fine too. It just needs to be viscous.

Friend - Uhhh..

Me - Trust me bro I wouldn’t lie.

I don’t know if you guys out there have huge balls like I do, but every once in a while I sit on one of my nuts. If you’re a girl, it’s a type of pain I can’t properly relay, but it is so intense it makes you want to puke. I was in a hurry at work and rushed to get back to my computer to finish an email, and I accidentally sat on my right testicle. I sat down with such force that I literally bounced off my nut and then landed in a compromised position on my desk chair. I yelled ow and stood up in the typical “I got hit in the nuts” pose.

Co-Worker - Are you ok??

Me - Yeah, just a cramp.

Co-Worker - A cramp down there?

Me - Yeah I got a strained epididymis.

Co-Worker - What?

Me - Yeah, I was born with huge testicles. Epididymis strain, look it up. *grabs balls*

Co-Worker - *walks away*

Watch your nuts kids or you’ll have to make up stories like this.

Friend - Did you know that the toilets flush backwards in Australia?

Me - Did you know that you have no attention span? I asked you what we were going to eat.

Friend -That girl is hot man, I’d fuck her brains out.

Me -You like to assume alot of things, don’t you.

One of my favorite pastimes is calling PBS when they’re selling something (asking for money). I saw something today about Animusicals or something. It was basically like computer animation and some music over it. They were asking the modest price of $150 for 2 DVD’s and a mousepad. What a deal. So I called.

PBS - Hello, PBS.

Me - Yeah I saw this thing on Animusicals.

PBS - Yes, its a DVD set we have for sale.

Me - Cool. I see that it’s $150.

PBS - Yes, that’s for 2 DVD’s and the mousepad.

Me - Are you serious? That would be 2 DVD’s, that I can get for $30 new at a store, for $150. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the mousepad.

PBS - Well we kind of look at it as a contribution to PBS.

Me - A contribution for what? The freaking hour long commercials you run about buying this DVD?

PBS - We play other programmi-

Me - Yeah like commercials for Monty Python.

PBS - No I was referring to the original material that we play daily.

Me - Oh you mean the commercials for the Tote Bags. Actually I was wondering if there were any online specials or coupon codes for this.

PBS - No actually there aren’t.

Me - Ok, I’ll see if I can find it on Ebay. Thanks

PBS - But uhmm

The worst part is these guys are volunteers. At least I restricted myself to not swear at them. *shrug*

Me - Hey man, how ya doin? Long time no see. You actually look like you lost some weight!

Stranger - I actually did lose some weight! How are you?

Me - I’m fine as always. Have you tried re-tracing your steps?

Stranger - I’m not sure what you mean.

Me - To find that weight you lost!

Stranger - Oh you. You’re so funny.

Me - No seriously, you look like you joined the Ethiopian cross country team. You look a sun-fried worm on the sidewalk. What the fuck man. Eat a cheeseburger there boney.

Stranger -Uhmmm. Who the fuck are you?

Me - Just some guy who sees you as an emaciated douchebag.

Stranger - Hey man! Fuck you! *walks away*

Me - Yesssss *snickers*

Bill the great is an alcoholic at a place we go to. The question is… where is he from? Riverside? Long Island City? no.. well maybe, but what about Cennunctah? South Philly? The truth is he is from everywhere, and he wears it on his houndstooth sleeve.

He carries himself with the weight of a Myers bottle of rum and has no regard for his handshake strength. He crushes peoples hands while he cries inside; he’s a lawyer. Some kind of legit real-estate lawyer. He obviously knows what he’s doing.. thats evident.. by day. By night, the clouds part, the sun recesses and things become bi-dimensional. You genuinely feel like you have something to learn from this man, but all you can render is “Wow, what a complete waste of carbon”. Let’s sample an actual conversation with the magnet.

Bill - Hurrsbs wherueue from?

Party - We’re from Buffalo, originally Buffalo.

Bill - BAFFILO. *rigorous handshake (2nd instance)* THEY GOT THE CHICKEN. I bet a buffalo would brahhhahrihiharha

Party - Really? *looks at a companion* You’re right about that, poultry is our main beef.

Bill - Beeaf? You meant like Beaf?

Party - Yeah, where exactly are you from?

Bill - RIVERRRSIDDDDDEEEEEEEE, off teh queen-e-bkln-st. I HATE A HOUSE. Sinatra, ITS NOT JUST A STREET IN EASTERN MAINE.

Party - Awwwww man, that is CUH-RAY-ZEE. I’m gonna go have a quick smoke, don’t follow me.

Bill - Crazay? I used to breed cantelopes in Jewrheuaselm for tannins.

Party - I don’t know what to think but can we have some space?

{ stage direction : bill stumbles in place like a down syndrome patient with a concussion }

Bill - WHERE AM I FROM? *attempts to handshake*

Party - *politely avoids handshake* Riverside, I think. But what are you doing here, riverside is so far away?

Bill - Sebatical. I’m a lawyer, i know people.

Party - People? I’m confused. People of the earth or otherwise?

Bill - NaAh theywer freum Stanten isllands.

Party - I don’t know if I can handle this pain

Bill - I ;M FREUSM RIVERSAIDE *crushing handshake*

Party - Yo I know. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bill - MYEArs Ruem. I’m a lauwyear frueam Seaside. Are you a n Asshoel?

{ stage: bill looks at the bartender as if she/he just traded his first born for a cornish hen }

Bill - STAY WITH YOUR FREINDS

Party - My friends pretty much stay with me. I’ve never had an instance of a friend running off, especially when i’m talking with you.

Bill - arGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ‘RE IM FROM *missed handshake*

Party - Bill i don’t know what you’re after, but i’m not sellin’ it.

{ *third eye blind comes on }

{ *bouncer rumbles over to disrupt bills’ tirade }

Party - Looks like its the end of the road for ya’ Bill…

Bill - Fieurget yousassses. DONEY U KNOEW WHwaure i’em frueam? Steamside!

Party - You have alot of knowledge, some of it is here, some of it is there, but I want it all; away from me.

Bill - *starts to cry*

{this is where shit gets for REAL}

Party - Listen man, its cool — i’m just here chatting with you, we’re talkin bullshit, but you have alot to say.

Bill - ARhghh FERIINS stifck with it or else. If yuuu — THAT AIN”T RUNM

Party - oh man, this dood is all sorts of done

Bill - Buhh..

{bouncer slowly clothlines bill, in a loving manner, and escorts him towards 14th street}

Party - What a fucking terd bergler.

So that’s how the bill saga ends.

…until we see him again for the first time, at the bar, 2 days after tomarrow.