I went to the dentist the other day. One look at my teeth and he told me I had an oral fixation.

I said fuck you dentist, you’re the one who works on teeth all day.

Potato bugs are awesome. They just curl into a ball and you throw them in the toilet.

Balls are like great for throwing.

My girlfriend is amazing. She doesn’t tell me what to do but today she told me not to do something. I sort of listened.

She told me not to cheat on her. I kept sort of listening but there was this piece of dirt on the ground that looked like a squirrel. I tried to frame the squirrel with my hands and eyes as if I was some sort of artsy artist. It was a masterpiece in my mind. I guess that like art it was impossible to describe in words. Thinking back I can only tell you that it was an awesome piece of dirt. What did I do? She looked at me and I grabbed the piece of dirt and told her it was a squirrel. A really abstract squirrel. It looked like a piece of dirt. It was a piece of dirt. I was busted. I went back to the original conversation.

“I’ve never been able to cheat on anyone when I didn’t know the answers. Wait, is this a fucking test?”

I’ve concluded one of the worst things you can say to any woman is “I know what you do with makeup.”

I guess it could be more offensive to guys. Sorry, I wasn’t finished concluding.

You know what they say about people with really small feet?

They get great deals on oversize kids sneakers.

FACT

Saw a homeless guy asking for change in the subway tonight. Gave him the deed to a 40.7 million dollar 40 acre home in Montauk. He gave it back, said he just wanted change.

I guess you really can’t make people change.

I was watching TV last night and a commercial came on that started out with “Think it’s too late to get more life insurance?”. I thought this was pretty stupid considering it was already 10:45 PM.

They really should work on ad placement more.

Today in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse to Ulysses S. Grant to put a final end to the most epic battle in American History. I find it only appropriate that on the exact day that the Civil War ended, I find a real asshole that perpetuates racism. Not only is this guy an asshole, he’s a fish. Well, i’m not sure if it a guy fish or a girl fish but whatever, it’s a racist fucking fish.

Don’t believe me that a fish can be racist? Take a look at this son of a bitch.

Go ahead, try and keep that N-word down. I’ve never hoped for extinction of a species in my life, except for now. Listen up Mr. Hawaiian Niger Trigger, there is no room for racists in todays society. If that wasn’t the case, the Civil War wouldn’t have ever ended. Think about it.

I’m exposing you Mr. Racist Fish. Those “N-words” as you make people say them, or as i’ll call them here in a legal sort of way, “Racees”, have proven they’re here to stay. Welcome to your own “Civil” war buddy. If there is anything that racism has taught us, it’s that we shouldn’t have tolerance for people (or fish) that aren’t not racist.

No, but seriously, they should change that fish’s name. It’s just too easy to slip up in the wrong company and get your white ass kicked by mispronouncing a fish. Damn smart ass Ichthyologists.

I can tell i’m talking to my parents when I hear the phrase “Pain Pills” instead of Vicodin.

Bald? Like to wear hoods? Wear a hoopee!!

The best hood and toupee mashup on the market. Combining the prowess of a toupee and the cover of a hooded sweatshirt will make you cool with the ladies. Just ask the whole city of Rochester, NY.

One time only sale; 29.99.

bvllets - Sometimes, I masturbate to Tron
stparkz - What?!?
bvllets - Whoops wrong window

Either give me the Eagle Spreadsheet or take off your clothes, lay down on the floor and spread your legs.

Just a regular office question I think. My office is pretty much just me talking to myself so I can’t say how well it works.

Are we out of white out again? Give it to me and I’ll fill it up. Er, I mean I’ll go get some more.

Friend - I am eating lamb broadbean soup with squash and banana.

Me - Am I to assume there is no toy in a hipster happy meal?

I’ve been known to dream things up and imagine some crap that totally isn’t possible. I’m having a hard time with an imaginary crap thought lately. Maybe you can listen to my dilemma.

What I really can’t imagine is a bongo player getting mad by getting let go from a band. I mean, how can that even happen? Can a bongo player actually just get mad for getting fired at a band meeting and be like “Dude, how can you do that to me? I made this band dude. Good luck finding another bongoer that meets this bands musical shortcomings. I’ve been bongoing with you since you got bored with your own music and hired me. I’m irreplaceable dude. Fuck you guys. I’m the sweetest bongoer ever. You can quote me on that.”

I can totally see this happening in my head, but it’s totally not something that would ever happen. In real life the band probably would only fire the bongo guy cause they got another weed connection. Either that or they genuinely didn’t like his bongoing. The band could have been bong-going in the wrong direction. If they were a really classical band maybe they didn’t like how he wrote his bongo sheet music and they couldn’t follow it.

If any of you are in a band and you want to kick out your bongo player, please let me know. I think I can help.

p.s. If you are the sweetest bongoer ever, please leave a comment. And also tell me the name of your band.

*Guy at work just walks out of the bathroom I’m waiting for*

Me - Hey do you know my friend Curtis?

Them - Curtis who?

Me - Curtis E. Flush!

*They turn red and walk away*

*I laugh and urinate*

This guy told me that he had a surprise 50th birthday on Friday. I told him that i’d love to believe him but it’s extremely hard to forget when your own birthday is.

Surprise my ass.

I’m not sure how this is gonna come out but, if there was seperate Whites bathroom in the middle of a war torn African country, i’d probably not complain about it. I might even just hide in there for a while.

That type of segregation works for me.

Here goes.

I work at a business with limited bathrooms. We all have time to use the bathroom, but sometimes you need to take a really nice shit that will decide to have its own hang time. Since we have limited bathrooms, people will occasionally knock on the door while you’re either in the process of shitting or in the aftermath. This isn’t a fun time, especially when your shit seriously stinks. The biggest problem is that you don’t have any air freshener. You sit in the bathroom waiting to walk out and let them into the bathroom, almost right behind you. As you exit you want to say “Hey don’t go in there”, but you feel it’s in such poor taste because you’re a total pussy. I’ve been in that situation and I know how to get around it.

Get in the bathroom and shit. Try to squeeze and cherish and don’t cut any corners. A knock is coming. First thing you do after a knock is scan the bathroom. Since I said there aren’t any air fresheners, don’t bother looking for them. What you do find though, is soap. The key to masking your scent is in the soap. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar or liquid soap, it’s going to work well enough that you can walk out and pretend it might not have been you. Wet your hands. After you wet you hands, put the bar of soap or a few squirts of some liquid soap in your hands and pretend you’re jerking off your hands with your hands. Once you work your hands fury into a hands lather, spread out your hands and wave them like scent radiating hand fans. Wave your 5 fingers (4 fingers + thumb) x 2 mains around in the air. Wave them in the air and fan around the scent. Put your everywhere hands everywhere. The best move is the pirouette over the toilet with open hands. dont’ be afraid to do the butt-erfly. Either exude the maximum hand scent.

Once you’re finished, put a smile on your face and prepare to leave. As you leave, greet the next person into the bathroom with indifference.

If they ask, proudly tell them the soap took a shit.

I recently got some Percocets for a lovely injury that I sustained. I can’t really walk, but don’t worry I stole a wheelchair from the hospital. Percocets are great but sometimes other people want to eat them. I need them. That’s why I stuck a few in my nose and then blew them back into the container in front of everyone.

Yeap, they’re all still there.

I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.