Friend – I really don’t get bukkake at all. It seems so degrading.

Me – I personally don’t know why anyone would play hockey with books, but yeah i’m sure the books would fall apart.

“That girl is probably so tight you need a Dickhorn just to get inside her.”

I just wanted to let everyone know my favorite brands of birth control. Just in case you’re out there getting busy and wondering what works best.

Jizzinerhair
Cumonerface
Doitindabut
Whyontjablowme

Hopefully one of these brands will work good for you. They sure do the trick for me.

I had crabs for lunch the other day. After the fact I remembered I saw her on Deadliest Snatch. I wish I got her name. Who knows that else I ate.

How come when you’re just finished with a blowjob and the girl is still working it, you have to tell her to stop cause it feels like you’re getting attacked by the tickle monster.

Life ain’t fair.

Is a Blowjob the same as Blowing Jobs?

I hope that when I get married, the priest isn’t nervous. Then again it might be hard to find someone who will do nuptuals when you’re doing it doggystyle to your about to be wife. You know how I roll.

When I accidentally get a girl pregnant i’m probably going to freak out. I know this will probably happen at some time. It would be hard to have her have an abortion that would be my fault. I know that it’s really her choice. That’s why I have prepared myself for when she says she’s going to have my child. I will calmly tell her that I insist on naming the child. Whether it’s a boy or girl, their name will be “Jors”. Yes, that’s right. It will be pronounced “Yours”. Every time I see the child, I will say, “Hey! That’s Jors!”.

Just letting you ladies know what to expect.

I don’t know about you guys, but every time I go to look at the time before i’m about to meet a girl, some dude steps in my way. I’m gonna call it “Clock Blocking” for lack of something better to call it. Why do these guys keep blocking my clock? Maybe they’re just trying to block my clock cause they’re jealous. Who knows. I mean, I sorta do have a big clock. That’s ok guys, I just have the girls look at my clock.

Whoops.

I’m not one to sleep around. Mostly cause no one wants to sleep with me. The other day I had an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I was at the movies with this girl and we were taking it to the next level. I didn’t have any condoms, but I did have a couple of empty Slim Jim wrappers so I threw my junk in there and slipped it in ‘er. After about 5 minutes, I came into the Slim Jim wrapper and I paid her the $10 I owed her and she was on her way. Later that night I felt a burning on my John Pipe and that’s when I realized I had the STD known as “The Snap”. Never kids, never snap into a Slim Jim with your genitals. I know she likes that beefy, juicy taste but use a Doritos bag instead.

So there are all these drugs out there that are for penis enhancement. We all know that the male ego is fragile, especially when it comes down to whats in your pants. My penis is about 6.5” when it’s in the “on” position. It gets up to 7” if you know how to work it, but i’m a single man so we will say 6.5”. I really don’t think I have anything to be ashamed of, but for the sake of all the other men out there with an letter sized envelope package in their pants, let me know how this makes you feel.

“My penis is 165,100,000,000 picometers.”

When you switch the measurement to something smaller, the number turns out much much bigger. Using anything in metric in the US will pretty much guarantee that they won’t know what it measures anyways. Saying that your penis is a billion of anything has to make you feel a little bit better. Even if it is 3”, you still get 72,600,000,000 picometers to work with.

Next time someone asks how big your dick is, tell them in picometers with a smile.

I wasn’t a huge reader in school but I did like those Choose Your Own Adventure books. I guess it was the dynamic that kept me reading them. I had a ton of those and the Audubon nature guides. That was my library.

I’d love to grab a Choose Your Own Adventure book and read it now but there isn’t enough adult material in there. I have been thinking of creating a series of books to really suit my lifestyle in an adult manner. I think that I am going to make my own line of books called “‘Bate Your Own Adventure”. It would go a little something like this.

Pg. 22 excerpt – You are trapped in a cave, there are a bunch of Penthouse and Slots magazines. The light is dim and the mood is just right. You have one of the following options.

If you would like to ‘Bate in the cave into a jizz frenzy, turn to page 45.

If you would like to leave the cave and not look at porno magazines, close the book.

Then on page 45 it would have a place to blow your load for when you give the book to the Goodwill. Then it would say you won. If you closed the book it would have the Salvador Dali sketch titled “Hitler masturbating in the desert” to make you think about your decision.

I like it already.

Nothing like the park for tennis and hot Moms. If you’re looking to score with a hot Mom, here is what you do.

You walk up to her, and look her squarely in the face. Make sure your tennis headband is on straight so you can absorb a punch if need be. No one wants a Momcussion. Point at the child with your finger and open your mouth as to make words come out in the following fashion.

“So you like sex?”

I forgot to say, plant your feel firmly in case she is single and wants to blow you on the spot.

And that’s how you have fun at the park, along with your tennis rackets and a nice set of balls.

I love women. I really do. Forget the fact I ate 4 cupcakes in the shape of a cock an hour ago. I love women. I really do.

I know this isn’t Susan B. Anthony Day, but women’s suffrage has happened to an extent. We all know that you’re not treated as equally as you want. Equality isn’t nearly as equal as something like “==”, but it’s something. Women want to have real equality and you all know it.

Woman, you wanna be equal? Listen up woman.

Here’s a simple start. Make sure that the back of you is the equal to the front of you. Maybe this is a surprise but you don’t always look the same from behind as you do when you’re facing us. Long beautiful hair and a tight ass is great from behind, but horses do that too. Anyways, I like your shoes. Work that thing as hard as you can. Reality is coming for you and my snide comments don’t help a bit. My bad. The greatness wears off when you turn around and show us your pock marked ramp nose french lip turkey leather catchers mitt face. Ouch. It hurts me to say that but you know it’s true. Even Mike Tyson wouldn’t rape you.

I can’t sum this all up as well as I want to so i’m gonna leave it alone for you to scream in your bedroom by yourself. Enjoy it, but it’s your equality thats on the line.

I saw this picture today with a guy who had his balls in his ass. He was bent over and he took his scrot and balls and just popped them in his ass and kept them there. With his 2 eggs in there, it was kind of like some sort of perverted incubator. (I think the image was called “Sackhole”. I would have named it “NutButt”, but that’s just me.) There is nothing in this world to make you think that this is acceptable behavior for an Adult Male. This is where my theory comes in.

Balls in Ass Theory by bvllets

If you put your balls in your ass, you are fucked up somewhere.

If anyone does this or can explain to me how this is acceptable behavior, please comment. I’m intrigued.

Feel like goin down under? Who better to trust than your old buddy taz?

Guaranteed to make you sound like him when he’s wiggin out.

Here are some new takes on the old classics when discussing Female Masturbation.

Playin catch with Otto Von Hammerheart.
Oiling the Foxhole.
Goin to Corsica via Sicily.
Laying down with Misstress Barbara.
Converting Euros to Pesos.
Katzin the Deli at the Harry met Sally Table.
Gettin outta Chelsea.
Watching Rocketman at IMAX.
Havin a drink with good ol Bugsy Siegel.

There are many many more. Fucking post yours in the comment section. Now.

The other day the F train arrived and I noticed the actress Anna Paquin sitting by the door. She was sitting quietly by herself like everyone else. Since every F Train is always so packed, I made my way into the car so everyone else could get in. There were no seats available, but I was still determined I would get as close as I could to her. I stood facing her while holding the rail above. I think that I got my dick about 6 inches from her face on what seemed to be the longest subway ride ever. She looked at it once or twice and didn’t seem to mind. Subways rule.

Anna, if you’re out there and you want my dick, drop me a line.

Also, you have beautiful brown eyes.

Stand clear of the closing doors please.