Spaghetti-o’s are nature’s sadistic way of understanding that you should cool your food before you try to eat it. Burning your lips with lava isn’t cool either.

This is probably less of an adventure and more of a reality.

Maybe it’s me but I keep seeing these movies about back doors. Today at the library I saw “My Back Door is Open” and “Back Door MILFs” in the same row of movies. Alphabetically I’m sure it’s correct but…

Why doesn’t somebody fix the fucking front fucking door for these fucking sluts? Hello?

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Is it true that a female Grizzly Bear has a Grizzly vagina?

I’m sorry Metallica. I fucked up your lyrics again.

Lyrically “I love to nail your Netherlands” can’t possibly be right. Enter Sandman isn’t even remotely Dutch.

Sounds like a really cool underground rave.

Whoops I confused raves and STDs again.

bvllets - Sometimes, I masturbate to Tron
stparkz - What?!?
bvllets - Whoops wrong window

I suppose going into a gay bar is less embarassing than having to leave one in a wheelchair.

And that’s all I know about the “In’s and Out’s” of gay bars.

Either give me the Eagle Spreadsheet or take off your clothes, lay down on the floor and spread your legs.

Just a regular office question I think. My office is pretty much just me talking to myself so I can’t say how well it works.

Are we out of white out again? Give it to me and I’ll fill it up. Er, I mean I’ll go get some more.

My dick is like the Hindenberg. It’s a big deal, totally incredibly sweet at the time, then it blows up in front of you and burnsssssssss.

More to follow.

Now that Bettie Page is dead, I’m gonna have to get some new porn because I certainly am not a necrophile.

I found that out the hard way. I’m just not into jumping someones bones.

Me - You know, that girl over there kinda looks like Gillian Anderson.

Friend - Who?

Me - That hot chick from the X-Files.

Friend - Oh, Scully. She was hot.

Me - I thought that was Mulder?

Friend - Nope, she was definitely Scully.

Me - Damn. I wonder times I’ve told people I wanted to fuck Mulder.

They all say never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I always say never lick a gift horse in the genitals.

Frame of mind I guess.

I really wish I could set up a farm of plants. Oh yeah that’s actually just called a farm. I want to have a farm to grow things I would enjoy and enjoy not paying for. One example would be weed, but it is illegal and I don’t want no jail time. Another would be okra but it’s completely disgusting. Hmmm, what next.

If I was going to grow something that I would enjoy for free, it would probably be a plant that grows lapdances. God knows how it would work or look. Actually God probably doesn’t even know what a lapdance is. If you begin to think about it, it sounds amazingly weird. Nobody wants to pay money for someone to imitate having sex with you through chafing pants and undergarments. (By nobody I mean nobody who has ever had sex before. Coincidentally strip clubs aren’t usually full of virgins. I think that’s a legal thing.)

These aren’t some plants that I wouldn’t pay attention to. This is a garden that I would take immaculate care of. I would plant them in plenty of soil and make sure they got a generous amount of sun. I would make sure that they were watered properly with free shots of cheap liquor. I would make sure that they got all the nutrients they needed, like cocaine, misguidance, verbal abuse, physical abuse and an alcoholic father. Believe me, these plants would grow into some serious dank lapdances.

Imagine this, I’d have some friends friends over and we’d have a little buzz on. Then i’d ask them if they wanted to try some of my homegrown lapdances. After much explanation that I wasn’t going to be personally giving the lapdances, we’d bust out the end result and have a grand old time. And no one would pay.

The End.

*Guy at work just walks out of the bathroom I’m waiting for*

Me - Hey do you know my friend Curtis?

Them - Curtis who?

Me - Curtis E. Flush!

*They turn red and walk away*

*I laugh and urinate*

I hope you enjoyed your free hour of hookers tonight. Hopefully you know that daylight savings time is best used hourly with hookers. Who knows, maybe you even got the good hookers this time. By good hookers I mean not smart. I think the smart ones would figure it out mid-massacre or at least when you’re taking your last putt.

Smart hookers. I really am stupid.

But not stupid enough to not trick hookers into a free hour of jammin’.

Let’s say you’re at a bar and you’re hungry for something that isn’t a complete meal, or as they call it, an “Appetizer”. As a general rule, I don’t eat something that is described as something that is going to activate my more hungry buttons. No, I am not trying to cheap out of the dinner menu, I’m just trying to half-satiate myself as I continue to get more drunk.

This is where Poppers come in.

Jalapeno Poppers are really a great go-to appetizer for your average beer drinking deep-fried food fan. I tend to fall into that category, but that doesn’t mean I don’t strive for something better. I want to make something better.

How?

I started with the base of the popper and that seemed to be cheese. I decided to scrap that idea and think that it was about jalapenos. The name gave me some hints at that. So now that I knew about the jalapenos, I could research the popper part. There must be something about a jalapeno that means you can popper it. It popped in my mind instantly. Poppers are small. Now that I have established what poppers should be, it was time to create what poppers could be.

Corn? Hamsters? Nope. Cherries.

Everyone loves popping a cherry. That’s why i’ve brought you my new deep fried Cherry Poppers. These are the first cherries that you can pop with your mouth. I guarantee you can’t pop a cherry with your mouth. Unless of course you’re popping one of my Cherry Poppers.

I’ll never forget my first time. Or any other time for that matter.

We’re working on a to go pack so that you can pop cherries wherever you want. We’re going to call them Travelin’ Wilcherries. Next time you wanna pop a cherry in your moms kitchen or in a gas station bathroom, we’ll have you covered.

Until next time, keep poppin’ them cherries.

Contrary to popular belief, 38 Specials song “So caught up in you, little girl” is not about a pedophile with a fishing hook penis.

People might think those Real Dolls are really expensive. My news to you is that you is that it’s going to cost you a whole lot more in beer every night trying to make her look cute.

Think people, think.

My female gymnastics book will probably be called “Land on my face”.

I know, I know.