It’s a proven wikipedia fact that for centuries men have wanted to have sex with limbless women who wear prosthetics. Revolutions are meant to be broken. That’s why I present to you my newest, most disabled idea yet.

Prosthitutes

Now disabled amputees and disasters are available to the public for paid sex, guaranteed to be there as fast as they can. Judging from the legless woman in the commercial that was running a marathon, i’d say pretty fast. Don’t be fooled by fake tits or transexual, those aren’t prosthetics. I’m sure you don’t have alot to say but, our slogan is “Get ‘em there, rip it off, get it on.”

Give us a call 1-800-FAKE-LEG.

I’m glad my job isn’t to sort magazines by title. I’d totally put “Teen Beat” in the wrong section.

If you don’t get it, you might want to google “merkin”.

I don’t know if you believe me, but today I was reading the Bible. It’s really a magnificent book except there are diagrams. I need diagrams. They really make a book.

I got to the part about Deuteronomy and I laughed cause it made me think of “Neuteronomy”. That is a system of laws of neutering if it did indeed exist. I got bored of reading so I started flipping through it. I ended up finding a kids meal in there. I didn’t really have any idea they had a menu section, let alone one devoted to kids. The page looked something like this.

Rape - free
Sodomy - free
Forgiveness from Jesus and a pederast - priceless

It might only be in the New Testament though.

All those 976 number late night party line tv ads would probably be more accurate if they were a service for bad acting. Either that or insincere testimonials.

Let’s get some truth in advertising for once. I’ll call when you decide to tell me it’s the ultimate loser hotline.

Every time I order a “fuzzy navel” I have to close my eyes and forget having sex the first fourteen times.

Whoops. She never came either but I did bruise her spleen twice.

I learned the hard way.

I like to watch the show on the science channel that’s called “How it’s made”. Believe it or not they show how things are made. What pisses me off is that I can’t see the “babies” episode because I don’t have the enhanced adult entertainment package. They let me watch the “baywatch” and “oral surgery miracle disaster blessings for the less fortunate” episodes, but not the “babies” one. Don’t think i’m stupid. I know how to make “babies” but i’d still like to see that they’re doing it right. Our future depends on it and besides, we’d have no spank material. I’d have to watch for at least 20 minutes depending on how much I had to drink that night. Regardless of my alcohol comsumption, we can’t afford to be wrong about this kind of stuff. People need to see the science of making “babies”. We all have to make “babies” because that’s just how production is. The only exception is if you prefer making knuckle children or sore male rectums. After years of research I have found that napkins aren’t fertile and men are dudes and that ain’t cool. If you’re one of those, game off Garth. If you’re not, game on Wayne, game on.

Woman - Your dick tastes like hand lotion.

Me - Well that’s weird.

“It’s nice but it’s needs a womans touch.”

I’m pretty good at logic. So good that I have actually figured out how many drinks it would take for me to bang Yoda. Yes that’s right, Yoda from Star Wars.

I’m at the bar and there is a 40 year old asian woman behind the bar. She is getting old to the point where older asian women start to look like Yoda. Right now she is cleaning the a bone from a drumstick chicken wing and i’m analyzing how drunk I would have to be to give her my bone. The answer is 14 drinks.

Ladies and gentlemen I would have to drink 14 drinks to bang Yoda.

Be sure to donate! They accept new or used!

I know it’s a bit sick, but I encourage you to donate to the real Toys for Tots.

It’s a great cause.

When you say you want a fluffernutter, you should make sure you’re not at a porno shoot.

You won’t get a sandwich with fluff and peanut butter if that’s what you were asking for.

When your friend tells you that they are expecting a child, try to focus your congratulations on the gift of life and not the fact that your friend has a penis that works.

Congratulating his wife on her functional uterus isn’t a great idea either.

I heard this new term for hooking up with girls on Myspace called “Spaceholing”.

They got it all wrong. It should be called “Douchebragging”.

If this made you uncomfortable, try Facebook. I haven’t figured out what to call you yet.

I made a few mistakes tonight. I usually do shit like that. Mostly when i’m hard up for something like uhm, masturbating. I know i’ve written about some great strokin’ lotions, but sometimes they’re not always available to use. When you grab your roommates pumpkin hand repair cream, don’t use it. I figured this out the hard way. I watched 18 seperate 30 second porn clips (I’m not paying for porn) before I realized I was super hungry for pumpkin pie. The hunger just happened to be for Mrs. Smith’s original. Not her personally, but Mrs Smith’s frozen pumpkin pie. I decided to wrap up the session and go to the store and get one. They’re inexpensive but I knew it was going to be delicious so I tipped the cashier. Don’t think I haven’t eaten whole ones before without tipping, I was feeling saucy. Not to stray, I cooked it exactly as shown on the box (the pumpkin box, not hers). I like to follow instructions and I know people have various tastes but seriously Mrs. Smith, you have to take into consideration that people may burn their dick while trying to pleasure themselves in your delicious pumpkin pie. Please, let’s cut the baking time down a few minutes if only for the people who want to have sex with your previously frozen delights. Seems reasonable.

Quality control is more than just a good tasting pie. I don’t know what kind of penis testing you have with that thing, but you might want to get some test subjects with less dongular callouses. Either that or move your testing facilities completely out of Turkmenistan. Outsourcing dongular testing doesn’t ensure accuracy or precision in international testing.

Anyways, I don’t care how good it was. I’m sensitive you know.

Happy Halloween.

I once almost convinced my girlfriend to have makeup sex, but she thought I used wayyy too much lipstick.

Been no plans since.

A Friend and I were walking through Fort Greene park the other day and there were a few girls in the park playing around with actual swords. A bit odd, yes.

Friend - Yo bvllets, check it out those chicks are swallowing swords over there!

Me - No dude, look at their shirts. They say Blowjob University. It must be an offsite or some sponsored event they’re doing. Besides, I don’t see any “swallowing”.

Friend - Oh. Let’s go watch!

Me - Sho’ nuff!

Friend - I really don’t get bukkake at all. It seems so degrading.

Me - I personally don’t know why anyone would play hockey with books, but yeah i’m sure the books would fall apart.

“That girl is probably so tight you need a Dickhorn just to get inside her.”

I just wanted to let everyone know my favorite brands of birth control. Just in case you’re out there getting busy and wondering what works best.

Jizzinerhair
Cumonerface
Doitindabut
Whyontjablowme

Hopefully one of these brands will work good for you. They sure do the trick for me.