I’d hope that if you get caught with weed in Dubai, they’d be civil about it and cut your lungs off instead of your hands.

You definately need your hands.

I’d assume it’s that.

Regardless of medicinal philosophy, there has to be something more up to date than Jack Palances’ patented 6 shooter cure-all amputation.

I’m really sure that Spaghetti Western Medicine is way behind Eastern Medicine.

So I was on my way out of the house today and I found a football sized tape player in the garbage. I picked it up because I could use a random radio and I have alot of tapes. I felt that it was heavy so I tried to turn on the radio. I imagined there were batteries inside. There were batteries inside but they seemed to be dead. I opted to keep it with me on the way over to the bar. I figured it did still work since there was a fresh Perry Como tape in it. Not to mention that if someone was listening to Perry Como, they probably just died and their obituary survivors just cleaned the house and threw it out regardless of condition.

This is only part of the story. The real story happened when I filled it full of new batteries and it actually worked. Five dollars later I played Perry Como until it hit the end of the tape. That really pissed me off so I threw it into the East River.

You might wonder where this story is going. I sure don’t know why the fuck I’m writing it. I know it’s not human ashes or anything, but don’t let someone throw part of you into the East River. Even if it’s just an Emerson boom-box with one of your old Perry Como tapes in it. Obviously a disgrace to whoever died, but it’s still a compliment to Perry Como.

Prolly his 427th tape in the East River to date.

I made a transition today.
I bought some actual underwear.
Not like the tight whites.
Some blue low rider comfort Hanes.
It’s like a Greek beach in my pants.
Wha?
Why?
I’m sick of boxers.
I havent worn underwear since like uhm.
5th grade.
These are proving effective.
I have 90% more leg motion.
Plus I look like a retard.
Which I love.
You just didn’t wear underwear up to this point?
Technically they were boxer briefs.
Why the switch?
I’m trying to go a little lighter for the summer.
Plus it kills your kid roe.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I’m enjoying the support.
It’s like a hobbit is cupping me all day.
Like a summer camp for midgets.
Or hobbits.
Either that or i’m a real trendsetter.

If I was really fat and a woman, i’d probably just carry around the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”.

And all of the sudden you’re not fat.

There is a website
That’s called Wrestling Observer
What a fucking joke

Here goes.

I work at a business with limited bathrooms. We all have time to use the bathroom, but sometimes you need to take a really nice shit that will decide to have its own hang time. Since we have limited bathrooms, people will occasionally knock on the door while you’re either in the process of shitting or in the aftermath. This isn’t a fun time, especially when your shit seriously stinks. The biggest problem is that you don’t have any air freshener. You sit in the bathroom waiting to walk out and let them into the bathroom, almost right behind you. As you exit you want to say “Hey don’t go in there”, but you feel it’s in such poor taste because you’re a total pussy. I’ve been in that situation and I know how to get around it.

Get in the bathroom and shit. Try to squeeze and cherish and don’t cut any corners. A knock is coming. First thing you do after a knock is scan the bathroom. Since I said there aren’t any air fresheners, don’t bother looking for them. What you do find though, is soap. The key to masking your scent is in the soap. It doesn’t matter if it’s a bar or liquid soap, it’s going to work well enough that you can walk out and pretend it might not have been you. Wet your hands. After you wet you hands, put the bar of soap or a few squirts of some liquid soap in your hands and pretend you’re jerking off your hands with your hands. Once you work your hands fury into a hands lather, spread out your hands and wave them like scent radiating hand fans. Wave your 5 fingers (4 fingers + thumb) x 2 mains around in the air. Wave them in the air and fan around the scent. Put your everywhere hands everywhere. The best move is the pirouette over the toilet with open hands. dont’ be afraid to do the butt-erfly. Either exude the maximum hand scent.

Once you’re finished, put a smile on your face and prepare to leave. As you leave, greet the next person into the bathroom with indifference.

If they ask, proudly tell them the soap took a shit.

I don’t know. I imagine this is what Peyote is like.

Today I was waiting for a train and I saw this girl that literally pushed her way onboard before the other people could get off. She had her headphones on so she didn’t hear the snide comments that came from at least 3 subway exiters. Not cool. Once on the train, I sat down across from her and watched her pull out a copy of “Public Relations for Dummies”. I felt that this was a bit ironic since she didn’t have the wherewithal for common courtesy. I can see she’s really going to go places once she finally gets that PR job.

Then it dawned on me that they were probably all out of “Public Relations for Assholes”.

Asshole.

Maybe I fudged it a little.

Thanks to The Informant for the AccuWeather heads up.

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The best part about playing Grand Theft Auto on my PSP, is that I get to honestly tell people that I shoot cops on the subway.

My female gymnastics book will probably be called “Land on my face”.

I know, I know.

We’re going to have to cancel our 1st Annual Death Threat Competition. The world’s first contest that encouraged you to create the most believable death threat may be back, but certainly not before everyone is released from jail.

Sorry about that.

I’m here to tell you that our favorite Police Academian, Steve Guttenberg is dead. Our sympathies go out to his family and friends.

Wait no, scrap that. He’s just a really good actor.

But seriously, just tell someone that Steve Guttenberg died today. If they tell one person then you’ve done your job for the day.

I think Yanni’s parents were actually confused about the spelling of Yawni.

At least that’s what I would have named him. He’s boring as hell.

I have a feeling that Usurperman will eventually replace Superman.

I was hangin’ out with some friends the other day and we obviously came to the wondering of what would happen if you named your dog “Breaded Clam Strips”. I guarantee it would be funny to yell “Breaded Clam Strips, sit!” or “Breaded Clam Strips, roll over!” or “Breaded Clam Strips, help Timmy learn the dangers of old wells because he’s making Lassie work OT.”

The funniest part would be when you take your basket of breaded clam strips out to take a shit.

Gotta watch it though. You could accidentally name your dog “Bearded Calm Strips” if you type too fast .

If the front of my knees tastes anything like the delicious chicken skin it looks like, we’re in trouble.

I will not have ANY FUCKING KNEESKINS.