I text messaged my email myself the day after my birthday. It might have been during my regular or extended birthday, I’m not sure. Doesn’t matter so much since It’s really awesome. I’m glad I did it. Let me tell you what it is…

“Nothing brings the family together like Johnsonville italian sausage”

This ad on my ESPN fantasy football team page looks much better turned 90 degrees counterclockwise.

If you tell someone you’re hanging out with models, make sure you tell them that they’re really well crafted muscle cars and supersonic aircraft built straight from the kit, glued to approximate scale military spec standards and not that snap-tite well your eyes don’t line up legoland mom present oh thanks for the retard gift bullshit. Real models we’re talking about here.

Maybe I sniffed too much glue but I’m sure anyone would be impressed at that.

We played Poker in the bathroom last Saturday with a couple of people. Deuces were wild and I had a Royal Flush.

Solid pot. Everyone was all in.

Spaghetti-o’s are nature’s sadistic way of understanding that you should cool your food before you try to eat it. Burning your lips with lava isn’t cool either.

This is probably less of an adventure and more of a reality.

If you’re feeling mighty ballsy when someone asks to use the phone; tell them to get an outside line you need to dial 9, then 11, then the number.

I’d have to say that motorized backrubs are the biggest form of Bull Shiatsu out there.

I bet Cat Sajak would be great at hosting the Hamster Wheel of Fortune.

If you prefer defecation to feel like you just passed a cactus, then yes, eat the whole sunflower seed.

I went to the dentist the other day. One look at my teeth and he told me I had an oral fixation.

I said fuck you dentist, you’re the one who works on teeth all day.

I just got 2 new video games. One is Rockbang and the other is Guitar Zero. You don’t get many points but it tells you how talented you really are.

Real life, it’s actually challenging.

Potato bugs are awesome. They just curl into a ball and you throw them in the toilet.

Balls are like great for throwing.

I often wonder if the best solitaire player ever was asexual.

Maybe it’s me but I keep seeing these movies about back doors. Today at the library I saw “My Back Door is Open” and “Back Door MILFs” in the same row of movies. Alphabetically I’m sure it’s correct but…

Why doesn’t somebody fix the fucking front fucking door for these fucking sluts? Hello?

Master P’s Theatre?

Would be hilarious. Imagine watching “I Got the Hook Up” and “I’m Bout’ It” on PBS.

Eventually, Master P he would finish those unfinished movie projects like “I’m ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All About ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All ‘Bout Bein’ ‘Bout My Latest Movie About Being ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It” and “Bouters 7 – What’sis all’Bout Again?”.

I guess this probably won’t ever happen. Hollywood racism is alive and well. How rude.

My girlfriend is amazing. She doesn’t tell me what to do but today she told me not to do something. I sort of listened.

She told me not to cheat on her. I kept sort of listening but there was this piece of dirt on the ground that looked like a squirrel. I tried to frame the squirrel with my hands and eyes as if I was some sort of artsy artist. It was a masterpiece in my mind. I guess that like art it was impossible to describe in words. Thinking back I can only tell you that it was an awesome piece of dirt. What did I do? She looked at me and I grabbed the piece of dirt and told her it was a squirrel. A really abstract squirrel. It looked like a piece of dirt. It was a piece of dirt. I was busted. I went back to the original conversation.

“I’ve never been able to cheat on anyone when I didn’t know the answers. Wait, is this a fucking test?”

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Depending on your tastes, it may be appropriate to describe the smell of farts as the overall quality of a band.

ex. “My farts smell the way Aerosmith sounds. Almost Exactly.”

That would be “Like shit.”

I’ve concluded one of the worst things you can say to any woman is “I know what you do with makeup.”

I guess it could be more offensive to guys. Sorry, I wasn’t finished concluding.

Mail is better than e-mail, especially when it comes to grandson-grandparent communications.

That and because you actually get to touch something.