If you’re feeling mighty ballsy when someone asks to use the phone; tell them to get an outside line you need to dial 9, then 11, then the number.

I’d have to say that motorized backrubs are the biggest form of Bull Shiatsu out there.

I bet Cat Sajak would be great at hosting the Hamster Wheel of Fortune.

If you prefer defecation to feel like you just passed a cactus, then yes, eat the whole sunflower seed.

I went to the dentist the other day. One look at my teeth and he told me I had an oral fixation.

I said fuck you dentist, you’re the one who works on teeth all day.

I just got 2 new video games. One is Rockbang and the other is Guitar Zero. You don’t get many points but it tells you how talented you really are.

Real life, it’s actually challenging.

Potato bugs are awesome. They just curl into a ball and you throw them in the toilet.

Balls are like great for throwing.

I often wonder if the best solitaire player ever was asexual.

Maybe it’s me but I keep seeing these movies about back doors. Today at the library I saw “My Back Door is Open” and “Back Door MILFs” in the same row of movies. Alphabetically I’m sure it’s correct but…

Why doesn’t somebody fix the fucking front fucking door for these fucking sluts? Hello?

Master P’s Theatre?

Would be hilarious. Imagine watching “I Got the Hook Up” and “I’m Bout’ It” on PBS.

Eventually, Master P he would finish those unfinished movie projects like “I’m ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All About ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It”, “I’m All ‘Bout Bein’ ‘Bout My Latest Movie About Being ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It” and “Bouters 7 - What’sis all’Bout Again?”.

I guess this probably won’t ever happen. Hollywood racism is alive and well. How rude.

My girlfriend is amazing. She doesn’t tell me what to do but today she told me not to do something. I sort of listened.

She told me not to cheat on her. I kept sort of listening but there was this piece of dirt on the ground that looked like a squirrel. I tried to frame the squirrel with my hands and eyes as if I was some sort of artsy artist. It was a masterpiece in my mind. I guess that like art it was impossible to describe in words. Thinking back I can only tell you that it was an awesome piece of dirt. What did I do? She looked at me and I grabbed the piece of dirt and told her it was a squirrel. A really abstract squirrel. It looked like a piece of dirt. It was a piece of dirt. I was busted. I went back to the original conversation.

“I’ve never been able to cheat on anyone when I didn’t know the answers. Wait, is this a fucking test?”

I don’t have alot of time so I guess what I do is technically Fasturbation.

Depending on your tastes, it may be appropriate to describe the smell of farts as the overall quality of a band.

ex. “My farts smell the way Aerosmith sounds. Almost Exactly.”

That would be “Like shit.”

I’ve concluded one of the worst things you can say to any woman is “I know what you do with makeup.”

I guess it could be more offensive to guys. Sorry, I wasn’t finished concluding.

Mail is better than e-mail, especially when it comes to grandson-grandparent communications.

That and because you actually get to touch something.

You know what they say about people with really small feet?

They get great deals on oversize kids sneakers.

FACT

Got a big problem with a monkey on my back. Normally that’s a bad thing but he’s a monkey chiropractor so i’m really loose… Monkey loose.

It’s like chasing a really slow dragon.

Saw a homeless guy asking for change in the subway tonight. Gave him the deed to a 40.7 million dollar 40 acre home in Montauk. He gave it back, said he just wanted change.

I guess you really can’t make people change.

I was watching TV last night and a commercial came on that started out with “Think it’s too late to get more life insurance?”. I thought this was pretty stupid considering it was already 10:45 PM.

They really should work on ad placement more.

People talk about their coin collections and how they’re going to someday be worth alot of money.

It suddenly occurs to me that bill collecting is a much much better hobby.