I really wish I could set up a farm of plants. Oh yeah that’s actually just called a farm. I want to have a farm to grow things I would enjoy and enjoy not paying for. One example would be weed, but it is illegal and I don’t want no jail time. Another would be okra but it’s completely disgusting. Hmmm, what next.

If I was going to grow something that I would enjoy for free, it would probably be a plant that grows lapdances. God knows how it would work or look. Actually God probably doesn’t even know what a lapdance is. If you begin to think about it, it sounds amazingly weird. Nobody wants to pay money for someone to imitate having sex with you through chafing pants and undergarments. (By nobody I mean nobody who has ever had sex before. Coincidentally strip clubs aren’t usually full of virgins. I think that’s a legal thing.)

These aren’t some plants that I wouldn’t pay attention to. This is a garden that I would take immaculate care of. I would plant them in plenty of soil and make sure they got a generous amount of sun. I would make sure that they were watered properly with free shots of cheap liquor. I would make sure that they got all the nutrients they needed, like cocaine, misguidance, verbal abuse, physical abuse and an alcoholic father. Believe me, these plants would grow into some serious dank lapdances.

Imagine this, I’d have some friends friends over and we’d have a little buzz on. Then i’d ask them if they wanted to try some of my homegrown lapdances. After much explanation that I wasn’t going to be personally giving the lapdances, we’d bust out the end result and have a grand old time. And no one would pay.

The End.

*Guy at work just walks out of the bathroom I’m waiting for*

Me – Hey do you know my friend Curtis?

Them – Curtis who?

Me – Curtis E. Flush!

*They turn red and walk away*

*I laugh and urinate*

Edge Parsley is an extreme full name. X Games all over it.

That’s a short post. I’m actually on the laptop in bed. Forgive me.

I don’t vote because my cat doesn’t tell me who he likes.

Either he’s super private or needs more schooling.

I hope you enjoyed your free hour of hookers tonight. Hopefully you know that daylight savings time is best used hourly with hookers. Who knows, maybe you even got the good hookers this time. By good hookers I mean not smart. I think the smart ones would figure it out mid-massacre or at least when you’re taking your last putt.

Smart hookers. I really am stupid.

But not stupid enough to not trick hookers into a free hour of jammin’.

So I’m dicking around on the internet today and I come across someone who is re-publishing my content on a xanga blog. The user name was “aimvpr” and it was some stupid bitch named Jenny. This fucking thief had the audacity to copy some of my posts word for word, take my name out and put Jenny in it’s place. She posted them on her blog to receive tens of comments and hundreds of props from her “friends” with no mention of my name anywhere, let alone no mention that she didn’t write them. Way to go Jenny, you’re one hell of a writer.

Now here’s the part that really seals the deal. In her profile, she identifies herself as a HARVARD GRADUATE. I didn’t go to Harvard, but I sure as hell know what plagiarism is. Not to mention the Digital Millenium Copyright Act of 1998.

I hope you come back to my blog aimvpr. Because you’ll read this and realize what a stupid bitch you are. Oh excuse me, a stupid HARVARD GRADUATE bitch.

This guy told me that he had a surprise 50th birthday on Friday. I told him that i’d love to believe him but it’s extremely hard to forget when your own birthday is.

Surprise my ass.

If I ended up going to a Canadian College, i’d probably graduate with a major in hockey and get a 2 minute minor for tripping.

You probably have no idea what i’m talking about, but if you do, I sure as hell have more than a minor for tripping.

I’m not sure how this is gonna come out but, if there was seperate Whites bathroom in the middle of a war torn African country, i’d probably not complain about it. I might even just hide in there for a while.

That type of segregation works for me.

I don’t want to say i’m lazy, because I’m just efficient. I started combining double plus digit numbers into one word numbers. Who wants to say two or eight words to represent one number? That’s just stupid. And probably not efficient.

I came up with a system for this in the same way that someone came up with the word “Spork”. Let’s not forget the person who came up with the word “Spife” or “Knork”. We all have stoner friends like that. I would have mentioned the word “Froon”, but that hasn’t been invented yet. It’s different from the “Spork” because the fork is on the outside with the spoon in the middle. You get it.

So the number system is like this. Let me give you a few examples.

Thrix – Thirty Six
Twive – Twenty Five
Night – Ninety Eight

I know what you’re thinking about. It’s the word “Night”. You’re gonna say it’s already taken and that it means something quite significant. Get real. It’s pronounce Nii – Ate. It’s alot different now, isn’t it. You love it.

Maybe you dont. Try to love it at least. Let me give you a few more examples.

Sewo – Seventy Two
Thrundthrethoufoundretwo – 303,402
Hunthive – One Hundred and Thirty Five
Sine – Sixty Nine, Dudes
Sitrilfobilneimillewundretwo – 6,400,800,000,102

It’s that easy. You get it now. Go forth young person and speak those one word numbers. I’m not trying to change the world here, i’m just efficient.

I’d love to stay and chat but some softcore is on Skinemax and my roommates aren’t here.

You do love it.

PArty.

There are some musical acts that I just can’t appreciate because i’m not dying. I like to call it Deathbed Rock. Let’s go over the artists in this genre.

James Taylor

Actually thats about it. Sorry, I thought there were more.

In the post after this, I was trying to type “heart attack” but I typo-ed it to “heart attach”.

My heart hasn’t attached to something in years. Fuck you keyboard, you’re a real asshole.

Fuck you too fingers.

I ordered Domino’s the other day. It wasn’t your ordinary Domino’s order. I got the 3 small pizzas with the unlimited toppings for $5.55 each. Ok, so it was your ordinary Domino’s order.

I ordered 8 toppings for the first pizza and it was somewhat ordinary – Extra Pepperoni, Extra Large Pepperoni, Extra Sausage, Bacon, Banana Peppers and Jalapenos. You might think that’s not 8 toppings, but the “Extra” function serves as an additional (x2) topping for a total of 2 toppings. So the second one I tried to put about 22 toppings on it and unfortunately it wouldn’t adhere to Domino’s quality standards. I didn’t know not-slop was a quality standard.

I got to thinking about unlimited toppings. While eating the pizza, and even before the first heart attack, I got around to singing about it. I slimmed it down to “Unlimmy Topps” and sung it over “Unskinny Bop” by Poison. This is totally fine because Poison doesn’t have any idea what “Unskinny Bop” even means. Let me write you the lyrics as I sing them.

What’s got you so jumpy?
Why can’t you sit still, yeah?
Like gasoline you wanna pump me.
And leave me when you get your fill, yeah.

Every time I touch ya, you get hot.
I want to make love and never stop.
Come up for air, push me to the floor.
What’s been going on in that head of yours?

Unlimmy Topps.
Just blows me away.
Unlimmy Top, Topps.
All night and day.
Unlimmy Top, Top, Top, Topps.
She just loves to plate.
Unlimmy Topps nothin’ more to say.

You look at me so funny.
Love bite got you acting oh so strange.
You got too many bees in your honey.
Am I just another word in your page, yeah, yeah.

Every time I touch ya, you get hot.
I want to make love and never stop.
Come up for air, push me to the floor.
What’s been going on in that head of yours.

You’re sayin’ my love wont do ya.
But that ain’t love written on your face.
Well honey I can see right through ya’.
Well see whose ridin’ who at the end of the race.

Unlimmy Topps.
Just blows me away.
Unlimmy Top, Topps.
All night and day.
Unlimmy Top, Top, Top, Topps.
She just loves to plate.
Unlimmy Topps nothin’ more to say.

Whats right?
Whats wrong?
Whats left?
What the hell is going on?

Well the answer is Unlimmy Topps. I swear if you sing the song you might crack up. Domino’s should contact me if they’re interested in promotion of their $5.55 Unlimmy Topps deal.

Let’s say you’re at a bar and you’re hungry for something that isn’t a complete meal, or as they call it, an “Appetizer”. As a general rule, I don’t eat something that is described as something that is going to activate my more hungry buttons. No, I am not trying to cheap out of the dinner menu, I’m just trying to half-satiate myself as I continue to get more drunk.

This is where Poppers come in.

Jalapeno Poppers are really a great go-to appetizer for your average beer drinking deep-fried food fan. I tend to fall into that category, but that doesn’t mean I don’t strive for something better. I want to make something better.

How?

I started with the base of the popper and that seemed to be cheese. I decided to scrap that idea and think that it was about jalapenos. The name gave me some hints at that. So now that I knew about the jalapenos, I could research the popper part. There must be something about a jalapeno that means you can popper it. It popped in my mind instantly. Poppers are small. Now that I have established what poppers should be, it was time to create what poppers could be.

Corn? Hamsters? Nope. Cherries.

Everyone loves popping a cherry. That’s why i’ve brought you my new deep fried Cherry Poppers. These are the first cherries that you can pop with your mouth. I guarantee you can’t pop a cherry with your mouth. Unless of course you’re popping one of my Cherry Poppers.

I’ll never forget my first time. Or any other time for that matter.

We’re working on a to go pack so that you can pop cherries wherever you want. We’re going to call them Travelin’ Wilcherries. Next time you wanna pop a cherry in your moms kitchen or in a gas station bathroom, we’ll have you covered.

Until next time, keep poppin’ them cherries.

I’m no expert but I think having one less testicle is actually an advantage for someone who professionally competes on a bike seat.

And he played it out like it’s some kind of disease. Livestrong? I think it’s called cheating you one nut wonder cheater.

I guess i’m totally full of shit if I tell you I only shit once a month.

Contrary to popular belief, 38 Specials song “So caught up in you, little girl” is not about a pedophile with a fishing hook penis.

People might think those Real Dolls are really expensive. My news to you is that you is that it’s going to cost you a whole lot more in beer every night trying to make her look cute.

Think people, think.

If you ate nothing but paper, do you think it would be acceptable to shit in a paper shredder?

I imagine that would pretty much be your toilet at that point. Especially if you were eating classified documents.

I keep telling people to watch out for my sensitive sides.

I’m a circle.

It’s really funny when people try to figure out how many sides are on a circle. If it’s not funny to you, give me a break. They’re just blonde women i’m trying to impress.

Natch.