If you’re an unemployed hooker and you’re looking to go to a new madam, I’ll bet you don’t ask if they have any openings that they need to fill.

You probably don’t ask if they have any positions available either.

I never understood how you could arrest someone for graffitiing a drawbridge.

They really need to clarify these things with terrible names.

I had doubts before, but now I really do believe he can fly.

I think about it every night and day.

I’m glad my job isn’t to sort magazines by title. I’d totally put “Teen Beat” in the wrong section.

I never understood why people ate their boogers; then I did cocaine.

Yeah, I’m too cool to add something to Urban Dictonary. Maybe because it’s full of people using submissions to insinuate that their notfriends are gay through made up words? The internet is so full of love. At any rate, I have a submission.

Molet – Moles that have hair long enough to make macgyver’s hair look like imperfection.

“Look at that fucking molet on that dudes back!”

U2.

Tell it to one of your friends.

If you’re ever in a grocery store and you’re bored, go over to a banana and scratch “fuck me” in it.

Matter of fact, it’ll probably get sold before the others.

Taken from a recent article in a New Jersey newspaper.

Arvada bandits disguise faces with thong panties
“Police in Arvada are searching for two robbers who took their disguise to a whole new fashion level–the pair held up a convenience store while wearing thong panties as masks.”

I wish I was able to cover this story so I could call them a couple of snatchers.

I swear to god when they wrote this song for the 7th inning stretch, it was only to be a foreshadowed shopping list for the lack of peanuts in a bag of cracker jacks. Trust me, 4 peanuts in a bag of caramel corn doesn’t make it not caramel corn.

I guess instead of calling it a ball game, they should call it a nut tease.

Totally possible that going to the dentist was misappropriately explained as being the best vacation ever on May 27th 2008 because it was as they say; opposite day.

I’m at a party and this guy says he’s a “Psychic” for Fortune 500 companies. I wish I could remember where I put his card but he predicted to me verbally that I would lose it. Like everything else I touched, I lost it. It’s out of my hands now.

I’ve decided to go after that exact guy’s job. My job as going to sleep for a shift in a bed at those same Fortune 500 Companies with the new title “Reality Assurance Guy”. Wait no, “Director Vice President of Wake The Fuck Up Because I Changed Your Mind About Something That Wasn’t Important Because You Been Had, So I Will Just Keep The Money My Cellphone Number is 222-FUCK-YOU, Call Me”. That will work as a good safe job title and of course it’s easy to remember.

I’ll mail you my napkin paper resume. At some point at least I need to figure out how to load my Canon Bubblejet BJ100 with Napkin Paper. If you have it in 8.5 x 11 with a picnic type print put it on E-Bay and i’ll buy it now.

Thanks dude.

I guess you need to smoke cigarettes like a crack pipe to let you know you might be addicted to nicotine.

Hit that tobacco hell yeah.

I’m sure that smoking joints like they’re camels isn’t like saying you’re not addicted to nicotine either.

Don’t get me wrong. All’s fair in love and war.

I guess the reason I didn’t really like the movie The Fly is because I didn’t see him once on a pile of shit.

If you’re gonna name your daughter that, she should at be composed of a leash with keys.

At least they got Alicia Dogs right.

You ever hear one of those songs that you know the lyrics to and you end up singing it, but you have no idea how you know them?

Actually from commercials for Arby’s. I checked.

You want to stop reading my blog.

I don’t know if any of you have ever wanted to get revenge on someone, but I certainly have. Revenge is a tricky thing for me and i’m not a huge dude, so I’m really afraid to do something stupid. What I’m not afraid to do is get revenge on someone via proxy. Proxy means it comes from another source so you’re not named directly. This means you can’t get named directly. I have discovered several means that you can seek revenge on another person by proxy. Out of all my means to get some revenge on someone in this manner, I have never found something as effective as what I found today.

Nobody wants guns on the streets, especially unlicensed ones. The police agree with me. 1-866-GUN-STOP is an anonymous hotline used to report people for having illegal unregistered weapons. 1-866-GUN-STOP is also a way to have someone you know be interrogated for having illegal unregistered weapons. I don’t know about you, but if someone pisses me off, there is a chance that they may have illegal unregistered weapons. How could they not? Anyone could have them.

p.s. Reporting a false incident is illegal. Anonymously reporting a non-incident is might be too. Please consult your local law system and use common sense. If you give them a name, i’d give them Lol Rosenberg.

Is a hard place to throw your weight around.

All those 976 number late night party line tv ads would probably be more accurate if they were a service for bad acting. Either that or insincere testimonials.

Let’s get some truth in advertising for once. I’ll call when you decide to tell me it’s the ultimate loser hotline.

You know life goes on when you start seeing those top 40 music compilations on tv shift from bands you never knew to bands you know only douchebags like.