This guy told me that he had a surprise 50th birthday on Friday. I told him that i’d love to believe him but it’s extremely hard to forget when your own birthday is.

Surprise my ass.

If I ended up going to a Canadian College, i’d probably graduate with a major in hockey and get a 2 minute minor for tripping.

You probably have no idea what i’m talking about, but if you do, I sure as hell have more than a minor for tripping.

I’m not sure how this is gonna come out but, if there was seperate Whites bathroom in the middle of a war torn African country, i’d probably not complain about it. I might even just hide in there for a while.

That type of segregation works for me.

In the post after this, I was trying to type “heart attack” but I typo-ed it to “heart attach”.

My heart hasn’t attached to something in years. Fuck you keyboard, you’re a real asshole.

Fuck you too fingers.

I’m no expert but I think having one less testicle is actually an advantage for someone who professionally competes on a bike seat.

And he played it out like it’s some kind of disease. Livestrong? I think it’s called cheating you one nut wonder cheater.

I guess i’m totally full of shit if I tell you I only shit once a month.

Contrary to popular belief, 38 Specials song “So caught up in you, little girl” is not about a pedophile with a fishing hook penis.

If you ate nothing but paper, do you think it would be acceptable to shit in a paper shredder?

I imagine that would pretty much be your toilet at that point. Especially if you were eating classified documents.

I keep telling people to watch out for my sensitive sides.

I’m a circle.

It’s really funny when people try to figure out how many sides are on a circle. If it’s not funny to you, give me a break. They’re just blonde women i’m trying to impress.

Natch.

If loose lips sink ships, why the fuck are submarines equipped with torpedoes?

CAPTAIN : Deploy Loose Lips.
SUBMARINE GUY ETC : Lips AHOY!!!11

No seriously. I wish I could say marijuana doesn’t help me blog. I sure didn’t just smoke none.

I’d hope that if you get caught with weed in Dubai, they’d be civil about it and cut your lungs off instead of your hands.

You definately need your hands.

Regardless of medicinal philosophy, there has to be something more up to date than Jack Palances’ patented 6 shooter cure-all amputation.

I’m really sure that Spaghetti Western Medicine is way behind Eastern Medicine.

If I was really fat and a woman, i’d probably just carry around the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”.

And all of the sudden you’re not fat.

The best part about playing Grand Theft Auto on my PSP, is that I get to honestly tell people that I shoot cops on the subway.

My female gymnastics book will probably be called “Land on my face”.

I know, I know.

I think Yanni’s parents were actually confused about the spelling of Yawni.

At least that’s what I would have named him. He’s boring as hell.

I have a feeling that Usurperman will eventually replace Superman.

If the front of my knees tastes anything like the delicious chicken skin it looks like, we’re in trouble.

I will not have ANY FUCKING KNEESKINS.

It’s quite confusing that Short Wave Radio is actually a “Medium”.

By the name you’d probably think it was a “Short”.

What’s the difference between masturbation and cock shiatsu?

For me, about 10 beers.