One Liners

Christopher Bereaves.

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

I’m not sure if that’s funny or really deep.

Here’s to ya dogg.

Cous Cous by Definition.

Monday, May 11th, 2009

I don’t know if this is correct, but if I had to guess, Couscous is Moroccan for “pasta all over the floor”.

Antimicrobial Staplers.

Friday, April 10th, 2009

So, God Bless technology because they finally make Antimicrobial Staplers now.

I bought one but since I don’t ever have paper, I just wash my hands with it.

Parental Pain.

Tuesday, April 7th, 2009

I can tell i’m talking to my parents when I hear the phrase “Pain Pills” instead of Vicodin.

Grizzly.

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

Is it true that a female Grizzly Bear has a Grizzly vagina?

Biological Clock.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009

What is most overlooked about the biological clock, is probably the bomb that is wired to said clock.

Biological time bomb is more like it.

Syphilis.

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

Sounds like a really cool underground rave.

Whoops I confused raves and STDs again.

Garbage Jenga.

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

You probably thought homeless people were going through the garbage for political reasons. Unfortunately i’m sure that they were officialy playing Garbage Jenga. Middle or bottom items moved to the top repeatedly = win. Repeat as necessary. Let’s explore the game.

Garbage Jenga
: You take a can (5¢ dep) from the bottom, and you put it in your pock. Then you take a dead rat from the middle, and you put it on top. You reach for and unwrap a dirty tampon from some old wax paper french fry cover and you drop it on top. You take your dignity from the top, and you look for another 5¢ can at the bottom. You can’t deny the drive of someone looking through garbage. Especially when it’s for big redemption money.

Unfortunately the winners money doesn’t go towards toothpaste or a DeVry trade school or even self banana research. We don’t know with homeless people. I’m sure it’s spent on drugs or a leg, boot, bootleg Chinese made Obama winter cap.

There are no losers when you think about it. We all throw shit out for others to prosper on. Fortunately for them, shit gets thrown out in a certain place. Usually some Gap store in the maill.

If this ever becomes an ad for the Gap, they better pay me.

Garbage Jenga in a nutshell.

Meals on Shoes.

Saturday, January 10th, 2009

Meals on Wheels is probably much more legit than me walking to get some food and then again walking it over to your crippled bedridden ass. I knew Meals on Shoes wasn’t a good idea.

Meals on Heels is a kinder name, although not much more efficient. At all. Meals Not Delivered is always an option. Easier for me at least.

It was a nice try, but I’m not really good for anything.

Gay Bar.

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

I suppose going into a gay bar is less embarassing than having to leave one in a wheelchair.

And that’s all I know about the “In’s and Out’s” of gay bars.

At The Office.

Sunday, January 4th, 2009

Either give me the Eagle Spreadsheet or take off your clothes, lay down on the floor and spread your legs.

Just a regular office question I think. My office is pretty much just me talking to myself so I can’t say how well it works.

Are we out of white out again? Give it to me and I’ll fill it up. Er, I mean I’ll go get some more.

Totally Starving.

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

I’ll believe that they’re really starving artists when they cancel the free continental breakfasts at the Mariott.

Hotel hippies fuck off.

Hinden?

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

My dick is like the Hindenberg. It’s a big deal, totally incredibly sweet at the time, then it blows up in front of you and burnsssssssss.

More to follow.

Street Fighter Too.

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

Street Fighter is one of those things that no one would play if it wasn’t a video game.

Manatees.

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

I can tell why gay men are so attracted to Man a tease.

Underwater mammalian curiousity is intriguing even to straight man like myself.

Hipster Happy Meal.

Thursday, December 11th, 2008

Friend – I am eating lamb broadbean soup with squash and banana.

Me – Am I to assume there is no toy in a hipster happy meal?

Don’t Blow Smoke Up There.

Friday, December 5th, 2008

I’ve always wanted to say to someone “Don’t blow smoke up my ass”, but the more I think about it, it doesn’t need to be said.

I mean, I can’t even get baby carrots in there, let alone smoke.

Gift Horse.

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

They all say never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I always say never lick a gift horse in the genitals.

Frame of mind I guess.

Methylchloroisothiazolinone.

Friday, November 21st, 2008

Is one of the many things I’ve read on a shampoo bottle while taking a poop.

Work Bathroom Fun.

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

*Guy at work just walks out of the bathroom I’m waiting for*

Me – Hey do you know my friend Curtis?

Them – Curtis who?

Me – Curtis E. Flush!

*They turn red and walk away*

*I laugh and urinate*